Wrong or right | Mumsnet

OneFirmPeachNewt · 2025-06-02T20:19:30+00:00

So justva quick one So is your partner wrong to bring up your past wrongs if you said to them if u can't get past things you will leave them alone but they chose to move forward with you got you to bring clothes from your house and combine it with theirs and dvds and cds sort through them as one and sell furniture at mine that we don't need as moving together only to be told once again out of the blue got message saying about my past wrongs and ended it again, I said its not fair you bringing up my past wrongs when you decided to move forward with me

AuntyTraybake · 02/06/2025 21:32

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80s · 02/06/2025 21:32

This person has ended your relationship more than once?
Doesn't sound like you'd want them back, whoever was right or wrong?
Are you looking for reassurance that this is not all your fault? It usually isn't.

AuntyTraybake · 02/06/2025 21:34

If someone keeps throwing the past up then you should probably not be in a relationship with them. This all sounds quite immature. Are you young OP?

AgentJohnson · 02/06/2025 21:34

Take this opportunity to add this man permanently to your Ex list.

Original poster

OneFirmPeachNewt · 02/06/2025 21:39

80s · 02/06/2025 21:32

This person has ended your relationship more than once?
Doesn't sound like you'd want them back, whoever was right or wrong?
Are you looking for reassurance that this is not all your fault? It usually isn't.

What I'm saying is all I have done is fight fir our relationship and inhad no choice to accept his decision to end it because i want to be with him but he has ended it, but other day when I was trying one last time I said to him but tou wanted to move forward with me so how is it fair to bring up my past wrongs, as how is that moving forward with me and he just said but u did this I said but u chose to move forward, its like he cant see no wrong in making me think we was moving in together and then bring up my wrongs again, so now I've left him alone as he ended it as had no choice as not my decision

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80s · 02/06/2025 21:40

Has he really ended it, or is he just being controlling?

Lonelylonelylonely · 02/06/2025 21:43

Depends what those wrongs were and whether you've done anything to show an intention to change behaviours etc.

He might want to move on with you, but still needs to be reassured that things have genuinely changed and that may take some time for both of you.

Have you tried counselling (whether together or separately)?

It might be that he loves you, but needs reassurance that whatever your wrongs were won't happen again. You can't just expect that he can pretend things that might have hurt him deeply never happened. You'll need to put in work together if you want this relationship to work.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 02/06/2025 21:45

What is this wrong you are supposed to have done that he keeps bringing up?

Itcosthowmuch · 02/06/2025 21:45

You’re in a no-win (for you) power game. Escape with your pride intact.

Original poster

OneFirmPeachNewt · 02/06/2025 21:45

80s · 02/06/2025 21:40

Has he really ended it, or is he just being controlling?

He has ended it but you know where you said it is he beubg controlling can you elaborate your view for me so cam thunk more clearly as its hit me hard and would love to hear your advise

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Original poster

OneFirmPeachNewt · 02/06/2025 21:48

Lonelylonelylonely · 02/06/2025 21:43

Depends what those wrongs were and whether you've done anything to show an intention to change behaviours etc.

He might want to move on with you, but still needs to be reassured that things have genuinely changed and that may take some time for both of you.

Have you tried counselling (whether together or separately)?

It might be that he loves you, but needs reassurance that whatever your wrongs were won't happen again. You can't just expect that he can pretend things that might have hurt him deeply never happened. You'll need to put in work together if you want this relationship to work.

I've spent 10minthz explaining and proving myself Explaing I lied about certain past people I had been with out of fear, I told him the truth 10months ago and in these 10months been honest and so vulnerable even down to intimate details to prove to him

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Original poster

OneFirmPeachNewt · 02/06/2025 21:50

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 02/06/2025 21:45

What is this wrong you are supposed to have done that he keeps bringing up?

Where I was so scared I couldn't tell him about certain people I had been with I just wanted to forget about the past I regretted, this was way before we gkt together

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80s · 02/06/2025 21:51

If he "ended" it before - but then changed his mind - then maybe he was just pretending to end it, so that you would feel as if you had to do what he wanted so that he would stay.

He could get the same effect by acting as if you did something wrong. If you thought you had to do exactly what he wanted, to get him to stay, then he had a lot of control over you.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 02/06/2025 21:51

Ah. I get it. He keeps bringing up your past with another person/people, yes?

You have two choices, because he is not going to change. Either you put up with him constantly going on about it and treating you like shit, or you dump the bastard.

Which is it going to be?

80s · 02/06/2025 21:53

You should feel equal to your partner, not less than him.

Original poster

OneFirmPeachNewt · 02/06/2025 21:55

Lonelylonelylonely · 02/06/2025 21:43

Depends what those wrongs were and whether you've done anything to show an intention to change behaviours etc.

He might want to move on with you, but still needs to be reassured that things have genuinely changed and that may take some time for both of you.

Have you tried counselling (whether together or separately)?

It might be that he loves you, but needs reassurance that whatever your wrongs were won't happen again. You can't just expect that he can pretend things that might have hurt him deeply never happened. You'll need to put in work together if you want this relationship to work.

I've done all this nothing but reassurance every couple weeks and put everything into building trust but no matter what I do, every couole weeks I get all these horrible things said to me for ages brush it off to prove myself when he struggles but then were good agajn then I said if you can't, I'll leave you alone and he said no I want to move forward

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ShakeNvacStevens · 02/06/2025 21:55

Ah so you haven't actually done anything wrong. As my counsellor once told me, being in a relationship doesn't mean being in a Confessional - you are entitled to keep details about past relationships to yourself. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Original poster

OneFirmPeachNewt · 02/06/2025 21:56

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 02/06/2025 21:51

Ah. I get it. He keeps bringing up your past with another person/people, yes?

You have two choices, because he is not going to change. Either you put up with him constantly going on about it and treating you like shit, or you dump the bastard.

Which is it going to be?

Yes and I know just feel hopeless cos I tried so hard

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Original poster

OneFirmPeachNewt · 02/06/2025 21:59

ShakeNvacStevens · 02/06/2025 21:55

Ah so you haven't actually done anything wrong. As my counsellor once told me, being in a relationship doesn't mean being in a Confessional - you are entitled to keep details about past relationships to yourself. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

He wouldn't stop asking till eventually I came out and told the truth, he said everyone deserves to know everyone's past

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Original poster

OneFirmPeachNewt · 02/06/2025 22:00

ShakeNvacStevens · 02/06/2025 21:55

Ah so you haven't actually done anything wrong. As my counsellor once told me, being in a relationship doesn't mean being in a Confessional - you are entitled to keep details about past relationships to yourself. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Thafs what I thought

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Lonelylonelylonely · 02/06/2025 22:02

OneFirmPeachNewt · 02/06/2025 21:55

I've done all this nothing but reassurance every couple weeks and put everything into building trust but no matter what I do, every couole weeks I get all these horrible things said to me for ages brush it off to prove myself when he struggles but then were good agajn then I said if you can't, I'll leave you alone and he said no I want to move forward

Show quote history

So were these "past people" ex's from before your relationship? In which case, why would you lie?

Or were they "past people" as in you cheated on him and now want him to look past it?

As I said previously, it may be that he loves you and wants to move forward with you, but is having issues with re-gaining trust. Once lost it's difficult (but possible) to regain and unfortunately not possible with simple reassurance. You'll need to be completely open and honest with him and demonstrate to him over time that your behaviour has changed.

Sometimes when the trust is gone, it's gone but it is possible to rebuild it. It won't happen overnight and he might need to talk about things ask further questions etc.

Original poster

OneFirmPeachNewt · 02/06/2025 22:09

Lonelylonelylonely · 02/06/2025 22:02

So were these "past people" ex's from before your relationship? In which case, why would you lie?

Or were they "past people" as in you cheated on him and now want him to look past it?

As I said previously, it may be that he loves you and wants to move forward with you, but is having issues with re-gaining trust. Once lost it's difficult (but possible) to regain and unfortunately not possible with simple reassurance. You'll need to be completely open and honest with him and demonstrate to him over time that your behaviour has changed.

Sometimes when the trust is gone, it's gone but it is possible to rebuild it. It won't happen overnight and he might need to talk about things ask further questions etc.

Show quote history

Definitely not these were people before me and him got together, we first met in 2019 started hanging out and sleeping together but was cut short he was moving and I had 3 kids and only came out of domestic violent relationship so I didn't know how my ex would of been if I had just moved and we only knew eacother 3months so was cut short but when he moved we stopped talking and we met other people later on and we wasn't in contact but I reached out 2 years ago and I was soo happy he was back in my life as he should of always of been him, so when he asked me I panicked and was scared because I wish I had never met certain people after him

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Original poster

OneFirmPeachNewt · 02/06/2025 22:09

Lonelylonelylonely · 02/06/2025 22:02

So were these "past people" ex's from before your relationship? In which case, why would you lie?

Or were they "past people" as in you cheated on him and now want him to look past it?

As I said previously, it may be that he loves you and wants to move forward with you, but is having issues with re-gaining trust. Once lost it's difficult (but possible) to regain and unfortunately not possible with simple reassurance. You'll need to be completely open and honest with him and demonstrate to him over time that your behaviour has changed.

Sometimes when the trust is gone, it's gone but it is possible to rebuild it. It won't happen overnight and he might need to talk about things ask further questions etc.

Show quote history

No before out realtiomship

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Jk987 · 02/06/2025 22:12

You still use DVDs and cds?

Original poster

OneFirmPeachNewt · 02/06/2025 22:13

OneFirmPeachNewt · 02/06/2025 22:09

No before out realtiomship

Show quote history

And I showed him and I said to him I don't care how long it takes to rebuild the trust all I wanted in return was to not forget what happened but not to bring up past wrongs but we csn talk abojt it where working with me and we csn talk aboit the past over and over no problem and he knew that, I've expressed that I just said

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