Upset about finding this out 3 years later.

[Unsocialbutterfly23]

I've been with my boyfriend for three years. Back when we had been seeing each other for 3 months, but hadn’t made things official yet, he went on holiday to visit a female friend from university who lives in another country. I was a little uneasy about it at the time because she was a female friend, but I didn’t want to come across as the paranoid girlfriend, especially since we weren’t officially together yet.
Things between us were going really well then, and just two weeks after that trip, we did make our relationship official. We hadn't had sex yet because, for me, that's something I reserve for when I'm sure the relationship is secure and serious.
Now, 3 years later, I’ve found out that he did sleep with her during that trip. What’s even more painful is that I’ve asked him about it a few times over the years, and each time he assured me that nothing had happened between them. He only admitted the truth recently. He said he didn’t tell me earlier because he thought no good would come of it.
This all came to light because they’ve been messaging almost every other day since at least February this year. I had always believed they were just casual acquaintances now due to living in different countries, maybe exchanging occasional updates about life and work. I was wrong, the messages were far more chatty and aome were inappropriate, complimenting her appearance and not once mentioning that he has a girlfriend. He even made plans to meet her while she was visiting the country last week, though he backed out at the last minute. Still, he never told me about any of it.
I'm feeling incredibly hurt—not just because of what happened back then, but also because of the ongoing dishonesty and emotional betrayal. I know we weren’t officially together when he slept with her, but it still feels like a deep breach of trust, especially since we were growing close and had been seeing each other for dates a several times a week for 3 months. We had mentioned the same future goals of marriage, kids etc and I felt like at 30 I had finally find someone to settle down with.
Part of me feels like I don’t have a right to be this upset because we weren’t official at the time—but another part knows that trust and emotional connection were already forming. I’m struggling with how to process all of this and figure out how to move forward and forgive. I think I just need someone to talk to.

The sleeping with her is a bit rubbish but neither here nor there as you weren’t serious and exclusive at the time. The issue for me would be the lying about it afterwards and even more so, the inappropriate messages since.

If he’d been honest, you would have been able to make an informed decision on whether to become serious with him. And the lies have happened since your relationship progressed - that’s not acceptable.

On top of that, the inappropriate messages would be cheating in my book. He’s showing you he doesn’t respect you - I’d listen now and end it I think.

He might not technically have done anything wrong when he slept with her 3 years ago. You weren’t officially together and you hadn’t slept together. But he obviously knew that it wasn’t quite right, otherwise he would have told you about it and not lied to you for 3 years. It’s also incredibly disrespectful that he is still messaging her and flirting with her in messages. There’s clearly a connection between the 2 of them, and it’s a big red flag that he doesn’t mention you in his messages to her.

For me, the incident 3 years ago and the subsequent lies and flirty messages would be a dealbreaker. You deserve better and you will never be able to trust this man.

Hmm

Why has he told you now?

Is everything else okay in your relationship?

It strikes me as weird that he'd admit to it, after all these years, at the same time that shes in the country and he's been flirting.

It seems to me he's looking for an excuse to cheat or maybe even a way out? I'm sorry, i hope that he's not 🥺 x

I would be able to take it on the chin if I found this out regarding him sleeping with her before you became official… but I draw the line at him staying in contact and not even mentioning you, and being innapropriate. This for me would be enough to move on. Especially given your age

Sorry, but IMO he cheated on you. If you’re dating 3 months then you should be open if you’re still sleeping with other people even if it’s not “official”. Not just so everyone knows where they stand, but so both partners can give informed consent. I don’t get people who date for months and assume it’s ok to have sex with anyone else without clarifying it first.

He was cowardly not telling you and only didn’t to save his own skin/for selfish reasons. Also you’ve no idea if he’s been passing on an STD since. If he’d told you at the time you could’ve got tested.

The fact he’s been making plans to meet her knowing full well he slept with her the time before, and messaging loads with compliments shows that he still has feelings there for her. I honestly would not trust that he hadn’t slept with her since. Get an STI test asap.

Ditch him, unless you’re happy being second best and for him to cheat on you.

I agree with pp.

You now know he is a liar and you will never be able to trust him if deceit is his go to position.
And he is effectively cheating on you with the messaging and arranging to meet up with this other woman.

You would be wise to end this relationship OP.

I'm a forgiving person. This behaviour however is really not ok. It's actually appalling and he's showing zero respect. You're unsure about how to forgive?

This is not forgivable. This is cheating. And it's ongoing cheating. Who wants their partner communicating with anyone they slept with? Never mind communicating so regularly in such a flirty way.

I believe there's a great likelihood he has done more. He won't admit to anything unless he feels he has been found out.

What would he do if this were you behaving in such a way? You would be kicked to the kerb I have no doubt.

This is difficult but you must find a way here to show your worth. This guy is a slime. He's texting her like this and that part is the worst for me now.

Go get what you deserve, come on. It's so much better than this turd.

With time and space to think, where you make sure he can't contact you and love bomb / hoover you back, you'd probably start to see he's a total dick and get rid.

Ditch.

You want someone you can trust for marriage and babies.

It's the continued flirty contact that seals his fate.

This. I know you don't want to hear it OP, but there are some serious flaws with this man. He's not 100% committed to you now. If he's not after 3 years then he's never going to be.

He sounds dishonest and disloyal. Telling you they were just friends from the off. I assume you were messaging each other while he was over there with her? This has been hanging over your whole relationship without you knowing.

I think you should ask him for some space and minimal contact while you process this. Remind him that’s not a free pass for him to cheat! Weigh up if you could realistically end things over this or what he could do to help you move on.

What are you going to do:

forgive
forget
or finish

I think I remember your previous post from when you were worried about her coming to visit? Honestly I could not trust him as far as I could throw him . The lying and continuing to message her all this time, then trying to meet up with her when she doesn’t know you exist , he was trying to sleep with her again . He’s a cheater . End of .

It’s a tricky one, you weren’t official and I’d even question if you were in a relationship given you hadn’t slept together. More like a friendship imo. So, you can’t blame him for sleeping with someone else, not many men would wait a month, let alone 3 for sex in a new relationship.

The lying is different, it shows who he is on one hand, but the other could argue he did it so he didn’t hurt you, but ironically now you know you probably feel even more hurt and betrayed.

It has come out now because I have seen the messages on his phone and he has admitted it all. Things haven't been as perfect as they once were. Recently its been a bit rocky but nothing as fundamental as this.
I think I could get over the sex at the beginning of the relationship easier if it wasn't for the fact he was still messaging now. He has explained the situation to her now so she is clear he is in a relationship and has deleted/blocked her.

That's a good point about STDs. I am going to ask him if it was protected sex or not and will get checked just in case. If it was unprotected and he never told me, that's not something I can come back from.

Ugh. I would consider this cheating. More the lying and length of time it’s taken to mention it really. I don’t think I could come back from this if it was me.

This isn’t just about something that happened three years ago, it’s about what is still happening. The lies, the secrecy, the ongoing connection with someone he once slept with, and the erosion of trust that you rightly expected in a committed relationship.

You absolutely have a right to feel upset. You were emotionally invested, you were building something serious, and he knew that. He didn’t protect you by keeping the truth from you. He protected himself. That’s not what love looks like.

Even if you weren’t official, repeatedly denying what happened and hiding ongoing, flirty contact with her is a clear betrayal of your trust and to be honest sounds very close to cheating.

Did he come clean or did you find out? Has he taken full accountability—not just for the lie, but for the impact of the lie?
Is he actively doing the work to regain your trust, or is he just minimising?

If you’d known he’d slept with her would that have changed your feelings about getting together with him?

I’d guess your gut was screaming at you when he went on his little holiday- you should have listened to it then and you should listen to it now.

Yes @sameshizz i did post about that and I was worried then. That was when I thought it was more innocent than it was and I didn't know about the sex 3 years ago.

Get the test anyway even if he claims it was protected. I wouldn’t be trusting him again after what he’s done.

I was going to say you were being OTT until you said about him still messaging her, that’s not ok.

You’ve had a gut feeling about this the whole time.
it resonates with me as my partner has a female ‘best friend’ who imo is obsessed with him and at the start their friendship was co-dependent . I wouldn’t have even been happy if she had been a male friend, in fact that would have creeped me out more . He swears blind nothing had ever happened but like you I have ‘feeling’ and if I ever find out he is lying it will 100% be the end of us .

Sounds like he is keeping her ‘on the hook’ - he likes that she holds a flame for him, and he wants to keep that option open. If he had zero interest in her, he wouldn’t jeopardise what he has with you just for the sake of some flirty texts. It’s hurtful, deceitful and frankly a bit scummy. Sorry OP x

This!

What he did 3 years ago is crummy & questionable, but you weren't "official". It's what he is continuing to do that is unforgivable imo. He's essentially denied you existed. That level of deceit & betrayal is deliberate. He doesn't respect you, or her.

The op had a previous thread where he was trying to meet this ow again too , and has been keeping any evidence of him being in a relationship with op from her . Wants his cake and to eat it as they say .

Well you weren’t going out 3 years ago, so it was reasonable for him to keep it to himself.

Staying in touch and/or being friends is fine too.

But pretending you don’t exist? That isn’t fine and would indicate he isn’t as committed to this as you are.