Upset about finding this out 3 years later.

[Unsocialbutterfly23]

I've been with my boyfriend for three years. Back when we had been seeing each other for 3 months, but hadn’t made things official yet, he went on holiday to visit a female friend from university who lives in another country. I was a little uneasy about it at the time because she was a female friend, but I didn’t want to come across as the paranoid girlfriend, especially since we weren’t officially together yet.
Things between us were going really well then, and just two weeks after that trip, we did make our relationship official. We hadn't had sex yet because, for me, that's something I reserve for when I'm sure the relationship is secure and serious.
Now, 3 years later, I’ve found out that he did sleep with her during that trip. What’s even more painful is that I’ve asked him about it a few times over the years, and each time he assured me that nothing had happened between them. He only admitted the truth recently. He said he didn’t tell me earlier because he thought no good would come of it.
This all came to light because they’ve been messaging almost every other day since at least February this year. I had always believed they were just casual acquaintances now due to living in different countries, maybe exchanging occasional updates about life and work. I was wrong, the messages were far more chatty and aome were inappropriate, complimenting her appearance and not once mentioning that he has a girlfriend. He even made plans to meet her while she was visiting the country last week, though he backed out at the last minute. Still, he never told me about any of it.
I'm feeling incredibly hurt—not just because of what happened back then, but also because of the ongoing dishonesty and emotional betrayal. I know we weren’t officially together when he slept with her, but it still feels like a deep breach of trust, especially since we were growing close and had been seeing each other for dates a several times a week for 3 months. We had mentioned the same future goals of marriage, kids etc and I felt like at 30 I had finally find someone to settle down with.
Part of me feels like I don’t have a right to be this upset because we weren’t official at the time—but another part knows that trust and emotional connection were already forming. I’m struggling with how to process all of this and figure out how to move forward and forgive. I think I just need someone to talk to.

You're not going to want to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway.

A man who lies 'because no good will come of it'. Is one you need to leave, he'll NEVER be honest with you because he doesn't have any respect for your right to make informed decisions.he won't change.

don't throw your future away on him because you've 'already invested 3 years' in him/this relationship. 3 years is a while, but nowhere near as long as the years you have yet to live!!

going back to him having sex with her. Although you hadn't 'made it official' to do so 3 weeks after he MUST have known you were about there, doing that. If he felt about you, the way you felt about him, he wouldn't have fucked her, instead he used his 'get out if jail free' card & fucked her on a technicality.

Hes not told her about you. They're chatting inappropriately. He's making a fool of you.

Get him gone & move forward with your life. DON'T spend ling grieving the end if this relationship!!

If I can't be an example, let me be a warning!!! I made these mistakes. I hope I can help others avoid them 😘

This all came to light because they’ve been messaging almost every other day since at least February this year

This is a problem. That he was going to see her but backed out is also a problem. He is carrying a massive torch for a woman he shagged while ‘seeing’ you, and who has no idea you even exist. After three years.

Dump him. You deserve better.

I wouldn’t be ok with this either, the unofficial period is about getting to know and trust each other not a free pass to shag whoever you can before you’re tied down unless you’ve made it clear it’s only casual and no relationship expectations. You made it clear you were hoping for a serious relationship, it’s also deceitful to gaslight you about her being just a friend and he’s still carrying on by the sound of it, you have every right to be upset! I don’t think he’s a keeper.

Your boundaries are your boundaries. People will differ on opinion as to whether the pre-official behaviour was ok.

The question is: would you have done this to him? Would you continue to message a man you've slept with? The answer is most likely no, in which case this behaviour is really not ok.

Personally I don't believe in this official/ not official chat nonsense. If I were in your shoes I'd feel deeply deeply hurt and disrespected.

I might just be able to get over him sleeping with her and lying in order to protect you from the fact, but to continue to message her and to keep you a secret is deeply disrespectful.* *

My husband wouldn't dream of it.

Im sorry you're going through this OP. It's so hard when you love somebody so much to to through this, let alone make a call to break up with them over it.

Sleeping with her when you weren’t official and hadn’t had sex yet won’t feel great but he didn’t do anything wrong. When you asked he shouldn’t have lied, but I can also see that as forgivable assuming that he did so because he was terrified it would put you off him and he really liked you.

However in this scenario I expect he would feel so bad about lying that he would never speak to her again on the chance it may prompt you to ask him about it and he would have to confess or lie to you again.

Instead he’s played with fire knowing he’s lied and then continued to talk and flirt with her and even tried to meet. That shows some serious personality flaws. I wouldn’t be investing my life in someone like that unless they sought therapy or did some real soul searching as to why they would think the behaviour was acceptable.

My H went on holiday after our first date. He slept with someone when he was out there. I was dating too and had been on a date with someone else while he was away. He told me everything when he returned (not in a apologetic way just matter of fact) and I accepted it because at that point I liked him but didn’t have major feelings for him and he had done nothing wrong. I really admired his honesty. He had also slept with quite a few of his friendship circle before he met me so when I went to meet his friends I used to ask him to prepare me with who he had been with so I didn’t feel stupid and he always did. He never messaged his girl ‘friends’ he had slept with and still doesn’t. Has them on social media but would only ever have polite conversations if in a social setting.

What I am trying to say is it isn’t about the sex act itself. It’s about being open and honest with each other and keeping appropriate boundaries with people you have been intimate with, out of respect to your partner. He’s done none of this.

OP he isn’t going to stop talking to her. He’s blocked etc for show only

Sleeping with her when you were not “official” is horrible to think about but I guess it’s technically ok. But I think he had two options at that point: either be totally honest about it, or keep quiet for the rest of time. Denying it only to finally come clean several years down the line is the worst of all worlds!

And messaging every day is a massive red flag. Sounds like he still holds a torch for her. I’d cut your losses at this point and ditch him 😔

He isn’t a nice person op. Duplicitous behaviour.

He’s a fucking liar who has looked you in the eyes and lied to your face for 3 years.

How on earth can you trust this scumbag ever again?

Absolute desk breaker imo. You can’t continue your relationship knowing how easily lies trip off of his tongue.

And I guarantee he won’t stop messaging her, he’ll find a better way to hide it from you
Blocking her is grandstanding for show.

My husband left me and our two little kids on Friday, as he has 'feelings' for a work colleague. Had an affair prior to this one too.

Very early in our relationship I found flirty messages with a work colleague that I knew he had been flirty/inappropriate with before we got together.

When they wave those red flags, for gods sake take heed. I'm in the biggest mess right now and so so deeply regret taking him back all those years ago. (Except that I wouldn't change a thing about my babies of course)

🚩 🚩 🚩

It sounds like she's the one he wants to be with and you're the one he settled for.

Until she changes her mind.

He's lied to you, he's messaging her daily, they planned a meetup. Hon, he is in a long distance relationship with her.

I would dump him

Get rid of him - he's got her on the back burner. The fact he's blocked her now that he's been rumbled is totally meaningless. This isn't how good guys behave - you deserve better.

Hi OP, you have every right to be this upset because if he had initially told you at the time he slept with her, you might not have gone on to make it official. You would have had the choice to make a decision knowing the full picture at least.

Sounds like he wanted to have his cake and eat it. He was happy to deceive you to get what he wanted from two women.

To not tell the truth and be open (imo official or not, he could have been if he'd not done anything he knew would hurt you), and then to go on and speak to this person suggestively without even mentioning you, for YEARS!!!!, is so out of order.

He's been keeping his options open and has probably lied to her as much as you! I personally wouldn't trust this person as far as I could throw them. We only know this little bit of the story but please know there are so many men out there who have more integrity than to do things like this, and you deserve better than to settle for someone who doesn't respect you and who is a liar. You don't have to entertain it. Sorry you are dealing with this OP.

The people saying you weren't together so it doesn't matter are undermining the foundation of a worthwhile relationship.

If a person doesn't treat you with respect at the start of a relationship when there's butterflies and chemicals and everything is exciting then they certainly won't treat you any better later on.

He did something he knew would hurt you and his it from you in order to continue the relationship. He knew you wouldn't sleep with him if you found out, he hid something from you in order to get you to consent.

He's gross lol. Trash. Bin him.

I’m so sorry OP, you have every right to be upset.
even if you were able to somehow forgive him for lying about what happened three years ago, the fact that he kept in contact with her and wanted to meet up…
He’s not deserving of an honest faithful partner.

OP I know it’s hard, but the fact that he has blocked her means nothing.
He’s the type who will lie to get what he wants, and is willing to cheat, you really don’t need this ❤️. It’s not easy at all I know, but even though none of us on here know you or him personally, it’s one of those situations where we can all be certain that things like this will definitely happen again, and no faithful loyal committed partner wants that.

@Unsocialbutterfly23, sleeping with this OW was a shitty, disloyal thing to do. You’d been building an intimate connection via your several weekly dates for 3 months (24-36 dates?). At that point you had every right to trust in his respect, honesty and transparency, just as you have trusted in those key values during these 3 years — but he let you down spectacularly. He stole your agency and informed consent/choices with his devious lies, and potentially risked your health. He is not a good man.

Moving on to his most recent subterfuge, unbeknownst to you he has been in near constant contact with his former sex partner since before February, flattering her with compliments and lying by omission about your existence. He was keen to meet up with her recently but later cancelled. However, changing his mind doesn’t cancel out any of his previous betrayals.

@Unsocialbutterfly23, you have been in an inequitable relationship with this self-serving man who lacks integrity. He lies and manipulates so easily to fulfill his wants/needs. Believe me when I caution that he will not change. You are struggling to find a way to ‘move forward and forgive’, but you will be doing yourself a huge disservice if you stay with him.

I’ve asked him about it a few times over the years, and each time he assured me that nothing had happened between them. He only admitted the truth recently. He said he didn’t tell me earlier because he thought no good would come of it.

He didn't just not tell you, he lied to you when you asked him a direct question. More than once.

He has explained the situation to her now so she is clear he is in a relationship and has deleted/blocked her.

So he has admitted that his relationship with her was primarily sexual/romantic and he mischaracterised it as a platonic friendship? Or he's cut off his actual friend because she became inconvenient when the lies he told you were exposed?

I don't think I could trust him again.

You’re 30 now or 33? Either way, don’t waste your time with him now. He’s not trustworthy and has been having an emotional affair / seeking to have another woman ready as an option for the whole time you’ve been with him.

He lied to you right from the start and after having sex with his ‘friend’ and for years afterwards because if he was truthful he’d probably have lost you as an option. He wanted choices and for you to be in the dark, reducing yours.

The sex was cheating, unless you’d had a conversation about and agreed you’d be dating/having sex with others.

He seems massively disrespectful all around.

Not only to you but potentially to this woman as well if she wasn’t aware he had a girlfriend all this time. I’d be disgusted to have been exchanging flirty texts with someone I’d slept with, only to find out they’d been in a serious relationship all this time.

I wouldn’t trust him again OP, you should cut your losses and move on.

This man has shown himself capable of consistent lies and deceit and doesn’t seem to acknowledge the problem.

He doesn’t think women should have the right to make their own informed decisions so he keeps them in the dark about things which he knows would turn them off him. Selfish and immature.

This. It’s not the one hookup before you were BF/GF. It’s the years of lying about it, contacting her behind your back & pretending to be single, and planning to meet up with her that would be it for me.

He’s shown you who he is. Time to believe him. Any further time with him is time wasted, when you’re missing out on meeting someone better.

Exactly, so I disagree with the idea that the sleeping with the woman part was ok.

Even if I am only dating someone and haven’t committed to a relationship yet or had sex, I still expect some transparency. If he wanted to sleep with other women during that period he should have made that clear.

Men often conceal this at the time because they don’t want the woman they’re dating to either leave or follow suit and sleep with other men.

But if the man sleeps with someone else and get found out later they’ll claim they were both free to have sex with others during the pre-official stage. They only tell the woman that after the fact though!

I feel women really need to ask men if they’re exclusive now, even in the early dating stages - you can’t assume anything.

You are never going to be able to trust him. And you have every reason not to. I would encourage you to walk away now.