Saying no thank you/doesnt work for me etc on OLD

[Abitlessfun]

I am new to the dating world and have now had three back and forward conversations, arrangements to meet up and then the other person has backed out for various reasons - none of which seemed to be about me.

All seemed quite sincere but it got me thinking…. do people ever just say, I don’t think we are a good fit so I am bowing out…?

Should I understand the various reasons given as actually being a polite decline - but sparing my feelings?

That's really unlucky. Normally if the person is not interested at all they just don't message.
People do tend to have about 5 of these conversations on the go at once and then it might just be they feel they got an offer they were more interested in pursuing so couldn't be bothered with multiple dates.

Keep going - OLD is horrendous but it's a numbers game.

do people ever just say, I don’t think we are a good fit so I am bowing out…?

'It doesn't work for me' is the same thing, surely?

Yes that’s what I mean @NewPeaches …. No one has said that, longer explanations given like a family emergency - which I have taken at face value and I am now wondering if they mean it just doesn’t work for them/not a good fit etc.

@Commonsense22 so I guess they might have several conversations, make a plan, then a better plan/prospect comes up in a different conversation. Perhaps I need to make more effort in messaging!

IME people rarely have the guts to say "this doesn't work for me" or "I'm not interested" or "we're not compatible" so they resort to making excuses then ghosting or just go straight to ghosting.

Yeah I think that’s just men not wanting to be direct about backing out. It’s weird. I guess men aren’t used to turning down dates as much as women?

What I’ve had is more men who seem to want to just chat. I get so bored and now I give those kind of men a maximum of a few days to talk about meeting up before I unmatch.

I say I’m happy to talk in person but I can’t spend weeks talking to a strange man I don’t know with no plan to meet.

Sounds like these men made an early commitment to meet up, but then after further messages they thought better of it. At least they said something though. Some people just ghost.

ETA:

Yes that’s what I mean …. No one has said that, longer explanations given like a family emergency - which I have taken at face value and I am now wondering if they mean it just doesn’t work for them/not a good fit etc.

Well if they want to meet up with you and there really was an emergency they’ll reschedule. Have they?

If not, yeah it’s just another way of saying they no longer want to meet up with you.

Im surprised that it’s not more standard to just be honest. Doesnt it make it more civilised and agreeable overall rather than excuses/ghosting.

@Darragon these are middle aged women.
i think you are right about the early commitment and then thinking better of it.

I don’t feel like you get much from messaging people you have never met.

And don’t people forgot what they have said to whom with lots of long messaging conversations?!

I think I mixed up who I was replying to sorry.

@Coldshotofcoffee I assumed we reschedule but nothing. So yep, change of mind.

i just need to get the hang of it all.

I've told a couple I didn't see us being more than friends.

I have scrolled back on long conversations to try and remember if X is the one with adult sons and Y is the one with teenagers still at school or vice versa...

Yeah I can imagine struggling to keep track @EBearhug

Yeah they definitely don’t want to meet up or they’d have rescheduled. Same goes for friends.

I’ve been guilty of making excuses for why a man’s gone quiet but as I always remind myself when a man is seriously interested, they’ll make it known! You won’t be left hanging around or wondering. There are of course exceptions but most men will make it clear.

Im surprised that it’s not more standard to just be honest. Doesnt it make it more civilised and agreeable overall rather than excuses/ghosting

I know, I completely agree. It’s basically quite cowardly. I had one guy pester me for a date for several weeks, I was in and out the country that month so there was a delay plus I wasn’t sure about him . When I eventually said yes he asked me where we should go. I’d just moved to the city we’re in so I asked him to take the lead on arranging, but gave some ideas. The day came and I didn’t hear a word from him. What a time waster - I just blocked him.

I suspect some men just want to arrange a date to boost their ego maybe, but can’t be bothered following it through unless they’re genuinely keen. But look on the bright side, they probably saved you a boring first date that would’ve went nowhere.

That sounds really tedious. Why bother making a plan with you - and how difficult is it to cancel?!

I was prepared for first dates that don’t go anywhere. I wasn’t prepared for long conversations before meeting and perhaps repeated cancelled plans. I guess as far as long conversations before meeting go I need to maybe adjust how I feel - if it’s what works for others.

I stopped trying to figure out these guys anymore. I just unmatch/ block/move on etc.

I wasn’t prepared for long conversations before meeting and perhaps repeated cancelled plans

How long were you talking before they cancelled their plans?

If I’m not able to meet someone within a week or two due to eg. travel or their schedule, I just say let’s catch up closer to the time - rather than let them talk to me daily for weeks on end until we meet.

There are so many men on apps who just want a text buddy when they’re bored sometimes, it’s a good way to weed them out.

Most people recommend online dates should meet within a week or so . Personally I don’t mind waiting a bit longer if our schedules don’t allow it. But that’s on the condition we are not talking constantly in the intervening weeks.

My experience is that if they cancel they've probably got a date with someone they're more interested in someone else, but want to keep you as a second option. If they were interested, they'd offer an alternative date to meet.

For whatever reason, lots of men ask if I'd like to meet, but don't actually make any plans. If I have to suggest everything, that's normally a warning sign that they'll cancel.

People rarely just admit that they're no longer interested.
I can't speak for everyone's motivation, however, I can speak for mine.
The amount of abuse, insults and anger I've been confronted with when I've politely and respectfully turned someone down is absolutely horrendous.
I'm not saying everyone reacts that way, but enough of them do to make you think twice whether honesty really is the best policy.

I agree with @Coldshotofcoffee

Don't chat for too long, be ready to meet physically asap. Any serious available person who is available for a meet will be doing the same, as they want to meet someone normal and get off the apps.

Assume you're a heterosexual bloke looking to date women? I'd have a line about "Fancy getting a coffee or a drink on X or Y day?" ready to go within a couple of messages. Have a central venue and an Ok date outfit ready to go. I don't like same day but a day's notice often works.

IF someone finds your profile attractive enough and is socially available they won't be put off. You don't need to charm or convince them or come up with an elaborate "date plan".

If you hit it off suggest extending to drinks or dinner when you meet.

If they're all coy or ask for dinner or "text flirting" they probably were a bit lukewarm to begin with/don't actually want to meet you/aren't who they say they are.

You don't need to make more effort behind being polite and interested and responsive.

I think ultimately there are going to be some weird first meets and catfishes, but chatting for too long doesn't actually stop these.

If they can't commit/agree to an hour in a city centre Costa Coffee then it's normally a waste of time.

I often find conversations just fizzle out or unmatch. Ultimately I think it's best to just accept this and "if you can't beat them, join them".

There are always some interesting matches who just fizzled out, obviously it's tempting to overanalyse and chase. Especially as the ones left are total dross and scary. But that's just a waste of energy.

@Coldshotofcoffee only a couple of weeks but that’s a lot of messaging. It does feel a bit like text buddies. @LeaveMeThere im
a bisexual woman but only messaging women.
I think maybe Ill keep plans short so I don’t keep a Saturday free when could be seeing friends.
@jubs15 i think you are right, makes sense.
@Girlmom35 that’s awful.

I think maybe Ill keep plans short so I don’t keep a Saturday free when could be seeing friends.

I have a rule that I do not cancel existing activities or friends for dates. It's a rule that's not let me down so far.

Yeah if you’re texting daily over 2 weeks it’s a lot!

I agree. I used to send polite replies, but gave up for this reason and now just press the Delete button on messages from everyone I'm not interested in/not attracted to. I have a line on my profile now to say that if I don't reply to a message then it will be because they are either too far away or I don't feel we would be compatible.

I feel bad not replying to messages when (for a change) the guy has clearly put some effort in, but it's just not worth the risk of getting abusive, insulting comments back.

I think what you and @Girlmom35 are referring to is completely different from what the Op is about.

OP is messaging people for several days where they have built some kind of rapport and reached the stage of arranging a date. They may even have exchanged numbers in some cases

It sounds like you’re both talking about people who have just reached out and you’re not interested in them from their profile /initial few messages. Of course you don’t owe those people any reply let alone an explanation.

Totally different situation from someone you’ve been chatting to and arranged a date with.

I was actually referring to both of those situations.
I've been in that place of chatting with someone for days or weeks, approaching a first date but having a gut feeling that something was off or seeing a few minor issues that would potentially lead to bigger issues later on.
Sometimes this would happen after a date as well.

I would always write something in the lines of this:
"hey, you're a lovely man and I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I feel that this isn't exactly what I'm looking for. I wish you all the best and I hope you'll meet the right woman soon."

You wouldn't believe how horrible men have responded to similar messages. It's so much easier to just block someone, or be evasive and uninterested. I'm not saying I think that it's the right thing to do. I just get it.

Ah okay- @Girlmom35 yeah some men can be awful about rejection. I’m quite picky in who I arrange dates with and can get a good sense of them quickly, so I’ve only ever had to back out with two men. On both occasions I sent a short message then blocked. So they were aware of the reason but just not able to reply lol

Depends on the platform - if you block them, it can mean they can't read any messages, either. But they'll work it out from the blocking.

I matched with a woman on Hinge last Sunday. She sent me a like + comment/question. We started chatting, exchanged maybe 15-20 texts on the app. I asked her if she liked cocktails. She said ‘yes’. I suggested a place and said I was free most evenings. She suggested Wednesday. Gave her my number and we switched to WhatsApp. End of conversation. We live in the same town so really all we had to do was pick a place and a date/time.

Checked she was still on for it on Tuesday evening. We met last night and it went really well.

So I agree with people who’ve said any guy who is serious will be trying to arrange a date pretty quickly. I can’t see why you’d dawdle around unless you’re not serious for whatever reason. I’d set a deadline - a day or two at most / and only get involved in conversations that seem like they’re going somewhere. If it’s just inane chitchat leave long gaps before you reply so you don’t get drawn in.

A couple of messages is too soon to suggest meeting. I’ve had guys do that and I’ve immediately unmatched after saying I barely knew anything about them yet!