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Relationships

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Original poster

Are my issues with my partners weight a dealbreaker?

39 replies

SofiaJessica4 · 01/06/2025 23:18

My partner (now fiancé) of 7 months is very overweight, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. He's a big guy - 6 foot 2, muscular, works out, but he's also unhealthily overweight by around 70+lbs.

He was on a weight loss journey before I met him and is continuing with it although it's been stalled for a long time. I love him dearly, but I've noticed I feel uncomfortable with his weight sometimes, both in public and privately.

I'm tiny, 5 foot 1 and pretty small overall so the difference is striking, but I think I also clearly have some fears around mental and physical health with weight - after my divorce I worked hard to learn what is healthy for me with exercise, food etc. I have an active lifestyle and for me health is important especially with aging, risk of heart attacks etc. I've noticed being around him, I start to think I should eat a lot more / get bigger to 'match' him. I also worry about how he must feel as he's uncomfortable with himself. I don't know also if I'm 'feeling his feelings' about himself as that happens a lot with me generally.

We are in a long distance relationship separated by 1,000s of miles and will have to get married to close the distance. It's a lot of pressure as we have limited time together in person. I'm worried about what my feelings mean, because surely if we're taking the leap to get married I shouldn't be having these feelings and should love him for who he is right now without requiring any changes? I feel he deserves better than someone with a hangup about him, if I can't get over it that is.

Some past partners have been overweight and weight has fluctuated but not to such an extent. I am speaking to my therapist about this but would value input as he is a fantastic, loving, kind man. However I've learned - painfully - that you need to love someone for who they are not their potential, and any issues early on will be issues later on, etc

OP posts:

Azandme · 01/06/2025 23:22

"I love him dearly, but I've noticed I feel uncomfortable with his weight sometimes, both in public and privately."

He deserves someone who doesn't feel uncomfortable with him. You may love parts of him - but you don't love HIM, because his weight is part of who he is.

Poor guy.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 01/06/2025 23:23

It's all sounds wrong. How many times have you met? There's no point getting married to someone who doesn't do it for you for whatever reason. It sounds like you're just going along with it for an easy life.

Screamingabdabz · 01/06/2025 23:24

I would let him go. Poor chap will never live up to your shallow idea of what a true loving relationship is.

TipsyRaven247 · 02/06/2025 00:22

Let him go. He can do better than you.

CuarloDeFonza · 02/06/2025 00:26

Why is OP getting abused? She's entitled to feel how she feels. She doesn't feel comfortable with this person's health lifestyle choices and it's impacting her. Aligned with the vast distance I would suggest she leaves this relationship as the weight issue will never change and no way should she pile on the weight to match the big guy.

SandyY2K · 02/06/2025 00:28

This isn't the man for you.

He has a weight problem and likely always will. He doesn't need the pressure or knowledge that you find his weight an issue.

Find someone else.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/06/2025 00:31

You’ve been together 7 months, live thousands of miles apart…how long have you actually spent together?
As far as the weight is concerned, either you fancy him or you don’t. Presumably you fancied him enough to get together in the first place, so what is going on ? Sounds like this is all a hypothetical relationship and you don’t really know each other.

VoltaireMittyDream · 02/06/2025 00:31

Weight aside, don’t marry someone you’ve known less than a year, who lives thousands of miles away from you.

Could you be fixating on his weight / size as a proxy for other concerns about rushing into marriage with someone you hardly know?

Raindropsandroses123 · 02/06/2025 00:32

So he’s obese (not overweight) and you don’t like it! It is a turn off…
even though you love him, there also needs to be some physical attraction there too..

BobbyBiscuits · 02/06/2025 00:33

When you say you feel uncomfortable, do you mean you find his weight a turn off sexually, and you don't like his appearance? Or are you physically uncomfortable when intimate due to his size? Are you embarrassed to be seen with him?

I know you're worried about his health also. But if desire is lacking then you're relationship won't last.

It wouldn't be fair to try and force him to lose weight, but also it's not fair to be with him when your heart isn't fully into it.

It's true to say that someone that overweight must have a limited capacity to do certain physical things and they could well already have some bad health conditions. Would you want to have to be there carer and do all the housework, errands etc if he gets bigger and sick?

TomatoSandwiches · 02/06/2025 00:33

You sound hesitant, I think the setup you have isn't conducive to the concerns you have, which are completely reasonable, btw.
I would end the relationship because you sound you have issues, perhaps with codependency and your own assertiveness.
Work on yourself as a single person to find out what you do and do not want in a partner and what you are happy to be flexible with.

MeetTheGrahams · 02/06/2025 00:34

What country/continent are you in, and is he in? What is driving this relationship? It doesn't seem to be physical attraction. How did you meet, in person or online through a dating agency? It doesn't bode well if you are not physically attracted to him now. How much time have you spent with him in person? I wonder if you have met yet or at watching videos and talking via a video call and text? As for talking of marriage after 7 months with someone you hardly know, it screams desperation from you both and likely to fail. What are you both gaining from this union? Love, money, a visa, or for him, a partner that he cannot find nearer to home?

Original poster

SofiaJessica4 · 02/06/2025 00:35

@DelphiniumBlue I do find him attractive, for sure. This is why I'm confused and wondering if I can work through it, as it's my issue. I'm not sure if I'm feeling his feelings... sometimes he is uncomfortable in himself when out and I pick up on it. I also think I'm maybe afraid of my lifestyle choices changing for the worse? Also I've seen men go through massive issues with their hearts later in life and it worries me, the impact it can have on a couple with health issues like that

OP posts:

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/06/2025 00:38

Did you see a photo of him before you first met, or did you actually meet in person

Why did you ever agree to a first date

How did you meet

why did you say yes to his proposal.

I think you should call it a day, otherwise you will both be unhappy in the marriage and it will only end up in divorce

7 months - you barely know him !

theDudesmummy · 02/06/2025 00:43

You can absolutely love someone because they are a lovely kind person who is caring and considerate to you, and who you talk to, feel comfortable sharing things with etc. But you probably shouldn't marry someone for those reasons. That is called a good friend not a partner.

How old are you? If you don't find him physically desirable it doesn't matter how nice he is, that isn't going to change and it could be a sexless marriage. If that's what both you and he you really want to sign up for, well OK. But most people, especially for anyone who is relative young, if you are, this would be a no go.

Whose idea was it to get married?

jsku · 02/06/2025 00:45

OP - i don't know how old you are, as you mention being divorced, but - you sound really naive.
7 months, long distance - and he is your fiancé ? And you ‘really love him’???

None if this is real. You dont KNOW him. This is not love - you love the idea of ‘love’ and some made up image in your head of what this guy is. You have no idea what real him is actually like.

Don’t marry him. Why are you this desperate to be with someone that you go for something this crazy?

theDudesmummy · 02/06/2025 00:46

OK I didn't see your update before I posted. My concerns still stand though (and are you really sure that he is someone you could have a longterm successful sexual relationship with?). You mention feelings of discomfort, both in you and him. This would need sorting out before even thinking about marrying.

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 02/06/2025 00:48

Jesus wept. These replies are insane.

OP, if you feel this way, you feel this way and it's nothing to feel ashamed about or guilty about. You aren't exactly telling him he's a fat bastsrd and to lose weight. Instead, you are trying to find a way through these very real feelings. Feelings you must listen to.

What really stands out is the set up. You hardly see him, feel that marriage is the only answer. You've developed a relationship without spending sufficient time to truly connect and are potentially going to be rushed into an un natural situation where you're suddenly tied together?

It sounds like this isn't quite right for you but you are longing so much for this to be right that you are forcing something against a part of you that kind of doesn't really want it.

I wouldn't be looking at marrying anybody in this situation ever.

4kids3pets · 02/06/2025 00:50

No sorry you do not love him because if you did you would love everything about him and have no questions, doubts etc at all. You knew his size when you met him you being tiny has nothing to do with it. Not making a judgement but sounds bizarre a relationship so new yet miles apart anyhow

Original poster

SofiaJessica4 · 02/06/2025 01:00

@Pleaseshutthefuckup thank you I appreciate your response which is pretty spot on. I am in the U.K and he's in America. We go back and forth for one month at a time (I can work remotely) so 'living' together during that time, seeing each other everyday etc, but overall it's not much time together. We have this big connection, but because of the distance we need to decide at some point relatively soon if we're closing the gap or not. He'd have to move to me and that means jumping into commitments I wouldn't make in a different situation.

It's a huge thing and I don't know how I can know it's right without a lot more time - which we can't get in person because of the distance. As we have the same values, goals etc and can talk for hours and hours it all feels like something we should pursue, but logically it is not an easy choice. Add these other doubts about him, it's tricky.

OP posts:

Andoutcomethewolves · 02/06/2025 01:01

Honestly I think this may not be right for you or him. My 'type' has always been tall and skinny (along the lines of Jarvis Cocker etc). Then I met my DH, who's five foot six and classed as obese, but has the best personality. I've never been as attracted to a man as I am DH and we were engaged within 3 months. If you're not feeling it, there's no shame in that, but maybe time to walk away?

I also can't imagine having such a long distance relationship but that's by the by.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/06/2025 01:05

You've got doubts, that's reason enough to not have someone uproot their life and move from America to the UK for you. Better to end things now before you feel too bad to dump him when he's made the move to be with you.

beetr00 · 02/06/2025 01:07

Azandme · 01/06/2025 23:22

"I love him dearly, but I've noticed I feel uncomfortable with his weight sometimes, both in public and privately."

He deserves someone who doesn't feel uncomfortable with him. You may love parts of him - but you don't love HIM, because his weight is part of who he is.

Poor guy.

Are my issues with my partners weight a dealbreaker?
For you, yes.

Also I've seen men go through massive issues with their hearts later in life and it worries me, the impact it can have on a couple with health issues like that.
You are being totally disingenous

Totally agree with @Azandme

Set him free

S0j0urn4r · 02/06/2025 09:03

If you're having doubts, for any reason, it would be wise to put the brakes on the wedding plans.
Give yourself time to decide if this issue is a deal breaker or not.

PhilomenaPunk · 02/06/2025 09:09

It sounds like he was this weight when you met him-is that the case? If yes, I think you are being unfair. I can understand when one partner puts on lots of weight during a relationship that it could be difficult but if he has always been overweight since you have known him then you need to either accept it or leave him. Very, very few people who have been obese will be able to lose and maintain a healthy weight, so the likelihood is he will always be overweight, and he deserves to be with someone who is not embarrassed by him.

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