Are my issues with my partners weight a dealbreaker?

[SofiaJessica4]

My partner (now fiancé) of 7 months is very overweight, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. He's a big guy - 6 foot 2, muscular, works out, but he's also unhealthily overweight by around 70+lbs.

He was on a weight loss journey before I met him and is continuing with it although it's been stalled for a long time. I love him dearly, but I've noticed I feel uncomfortable with his weight sometimes, both in public and privately.

I'm tiny, 5 foot 1 and pretty small overall so the difference is striking, but I think I also clearly have some fears around mental and physical health with weight - after my divorce I worked hard to learn what is healthy for me with exercise, food etc. I have an active lifestyle and for me health is important especially with aging, risk of heart attacks etc. I've noticed being around him, I start to think I should eat a lot more / get bigger to 'match' him. I also worry about how he must feel as he's uncomfortable with himself. I don't know also if I'm 'feeling his feelings' about himself as that happens a lot with me generally.

We are in a long distance relationship separated by 1,000s of miles and will have to get married to close the distance. It's a lot of pressure as we have limited time together in person. I'm worried about what my feelings mean, because surely if we're taking the leap to get married I shouldn't be having these feelings and should love him for who he is right now without requiring any changes? I feel he deserves better than someone with a hangup about him, if I can't get over it that is.

Some past partners have been overweight and weight has fluctuated but not to such an extent. I am speaking to my therapist about this but would value input as he is a fantastic, loving, kind man. However I've learned - painfully - that you need to love someone for who they are not their potential, and any issues early on will be issues later on, etc

Yes I agree, she should end things now. There is no point going forward. It is unfair to say that he could find someone better though, on the strength of how the OP feels. Being so overweight would not be a plus for a lot of partners.

You’ve known this guy for seven months and you are engaged? The ‘connection’ you talk of, is doing some very heavy lifting in this entanglement. I don’t think you are wrong to think about deal breakers and I think the long distance nature of this relationship, has insulated you from the realities and practicalities of living with this man and that is now it’s dawning on you.

I think it very unwise to proceed with your engagement knowing you have very well founded doubts about your compatibility. Slow down and take your time.

It's doomed, don't marry him.

Obesity is a serious physical health issue which also indicates psychological problems, and you'll probably end up being his carer sooner rather than later. In the meantime, he may well develop mobility issues which will impact any life you have together.

I don’t know about the weight thing, but I had a long distance relationship once years ago, and when it eventually fell apart, it was clear to me that it only had lasted as long as it did because we weren’t together all the time. We loved enough about each other to make the time together really great, but there was too much that really wasn’t going to work long term, and I was always putting it aside because it was so nice to see him when we did get together. I’d start having doubts coming up to the end of the time together but didn’t want to raise it then, then I’d go home and would mostly miss the great bits, be happy to see him again etc. So kept putting it off, ultimately.

Long distance is hard, but it is also lovely missing the person, thinking about all the good bits, etc. , and all too easy to gloss over problems.

Hi Op, why must you get married in order to be together?

You have issues around food and weight and you're seeing a therapist.

None of that is down to him so why are you seeing him as the problem here?

I don't think you should be dating anyone if your partner's weight has the power to 'make you think you should eat more to match them'.

Concentrate on sorting your demons before you consider a relationship with someone else.

Why is OP getting abused? My guess would be that If a man was saying exactly what OP is he’d be torn to shreds on here.

The man has an addiction. Wouldn't personally choose someone currently in the throes of it whether that's food, alcohol, whatever. It may be that UK food being slightly less additive laden might cause him to lose a little bit but that's beside the point really as I doubt you'd move to him if you knew he had doubts about you so don't let him permanently move to you. Could he come on an extended visit so you two can make a sensible decision?
Also I get the part about picking up others' habits and how that may make you nervous.

Don't marry a guy you've only been with for 7 months, barely spend any time with and aren't physically attracted to. Just don't.

Really? I doubt it. It's ridiculous and wilfully blind to marry someone you're not attracted to, whether you're a man or a woman, and there's nothing morally wrong with not finding obese people attractive.

Moving country, work etc is a huge deal and you shouldn't get him to do it if you're unsure. That would be unfair on him.

Exactly. And yet another what about the men post with absolutely no nuance.

If two people start dating when one of them is overweight/obese, then it is blatantly unfair not to mention unrealistic for one partner to suddenly say they are not attracted to the overweight partner and expect them to change.

Oh no. If you’re not 100% sure, definitely don’t marry him. The long distance thing in itself is an issue and use that as a reason not his size.

I don't think this is the right man or relationship for you. Your engaged after 7 months and he lives in America. He will probably find it very hard visa wise to get into the UK and being honest I would not as a woman be trying to get a visa to live in the USA.

After 7 months you don't really know this man. You have not been meeting up regularly and neither of you have been there for each other on a bad day or week. You have not supported each other through a bad time like a job loss ect.
I also think that you know this is a bad idea and your looking at his weight as well as another red flag for you.

Along with this you had problems in the past with food or weight and your now at a proper weight, eating healthy and active.
Meanwhile he is obese and needs to lose 60 to 70 lbs.

One of my friends was involved with a man a few years ago. They were both obese. One day she said to him we both need to lose some weight otherwise we are going to end up with health issues like diabetes. His attitude was so what if this happens.
They broke up. She heard via someone they both know that he now has type 2 diabetes, sleep apnea and high blood pressure. He is on ozempic and has lost weight on this. She was glad they did not stay a couple for a few reasons and dealing with his health issues now would part of it.

I think that now you're realising that this is not a proper relationship and long term getting married in order to get him into the UK is a bad idea. I would end things with him and deal with your own issues. Then look for a man near where you live and who you can build up a proper relationship with.