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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just had a huge row with MIL, really upset......

34 replies

strawberriesandcream01 · 21/05/2008 18:09

Here's the story. We live next door to in laws, OH works away mon- fri so i have to deal with them all the time. They do keep themselves to themselves anyway.

We went over last wednesday for dinner, they do huge amounts that they put in the middle to help ourselves to (they are chinese). Most of the time I feel pressured into eating and stuffing myself full. Our 2 children aged 5yrs and nearly 2 don't eat very much, 2 yr old having huge problems with food at the mo and can't get her to eat much, oldest DD doesn't really like to eat. I think this is down to the in laws as they are always putting so much pressure on them eating or saying they haven't eaten much.

Tonight for some reason they thought we were going over so cooked us a bit spread. So over we went. DD1 has cooked meal at school and did quite well with dinner as did DD2 after a little birbery. BUT FIN brings out cartons of ribena at the beginning of the meal which is a def no no! Then for pudding they had choc eclairs and they said DD1 could have a whole one but she didn't want to so they questioned it. I cut it in half then in quarters and they had a quarter each but after MIL was trying to make her eat another piece when she didn't want to and then kept saying it's only a small bite. At this point I piped up because this has been going on for long enough. She took it the wrong way and just never understands what I mean and had a go saying I am ungrateful and they only try and please me.

I am now really upset, I guess in a few days it will blow over but she was saying oh you look after your own children. She wll look after DD2 while I go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week and now I really don't want her to.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's bit long!

OP posts:

belgo · 21/05/2008 18:12

Living next to your inlaws in hard. I suppose the only thing you can do is limit how often you go there to eat - maybe once a week at the weekend.

lazarou · 21/05/2008 18:13

Are you looking for advice or is it just a rant?

belgo · 21/05/2008 18:14

I'd quite like them as my inlaws though cooking food like that

Original poster

strawberriesandcream01 · 21/05/2008 18:16

I don't know really. Was I so wrong in telling them how I felt about the food situation?

We used to go every weekend but then stopped as got too much. I took kids last week and for some reason they thought I was going again tonight so had to go over.

OP posts:

SheWillBeLoved · 21/05/2008 18:16

belgo, my first thought!

Give her a call later and explain that the more your kids are pressured into eating, the more they don't want to, which isn't good for them. Apologize for snapping if you did, and as belgo said, think about cutting down how often you eat there.

belgo · 21/05/2008 18:17

I know how hard it is to not say anyhting in situations like these.

Chances are it will all blow over.

Original poster

strawberriesandcream01 · 21/05/2008 18:18

Yes but the food is weird. Cold prawns, ribs in a casserole with potatoes and carrots, salmon that is practically deep fried, rice, noodles and pancakes with duck. Surely that is just too much for 3 adults and 2 small eaters? There was massive amounts left ad then they get pissed off because we haven't eaten it.

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 21/05/2008 18:18

Could you try explaining to her that it's been suggested forcing children to eat when not hungry can artificially stretch their stomach and also make them stop listening to the 'I'm full' signals your body sends out when you've eaten enough, both contributing to obesity in childhood and later on in life?

That way you're not actually complaining about her pushing things on you and the children (I'm assuming there is more to it than just trying to get them to eat?) but telling her that 'now they say....' type thing which can get her to listen to you, but not feel you're saying her way is wrong iyswim.

When telling older people that have done it all before I often quote 'new research' that 'suggests' things, when really, it's just my way but at least I can say it without saying they're wrong or seeming ungrateful

Sorry got waffly there!

belgo · 21/05/2008 18:19

It does sound like you need to politely tell them that even though their food is delicious, you are all 'small' eaters and really don't need that much.

Saturn74 · 21/05/2008 18:20

I expect it is difficult when you live so close to each other.
I would be unhappy if someone kept trying to foist food on my child if they were clearly full.

LadyK · 21/05/2008 18:24

If you're looking for advice, I'd say apologise, but maybe explain the food issue. It does sound like they genuinely mean well and are trying to be helpful, and we all know how easy it is to equate food and feeding people with caring! Especially if you may find it difficult to communicate in other ways.

But it's hard when you are having to make so many of the day to day choices and do the routines on your own. But with your husband gone so much, it's useful to have their support. Even if it gets a bit much sometimes!

SmugColditz · 21/05/2008 18:25

How about the broken record thing.

"The children are full now, it was delicious, thank you."

Oh but oh but there's more

"The children are full now, it was delicious, thank you."

But they've only had a tiny...

"The children are full now, it was delicious, thank you."

and so on.

belgo · 21/05/2008 18:27

that would probably work best colditz. ANd always said smiling, through gritted teeth.

forkandles · 21/05/2008 18:37

my MIL has to cook at least one fish dish, one pork dish, one chicken dish, and one vegetarian dish and rice for every meal, even if its only her and FIL. Its a huge waste of food. My dcs have learnt how to firmly and politely say 'no, por por, I don't want any more, thankyou'. She doesn't pressure them anymore but all her friends still do. Do what Smug suggested. She will get it eventually.

backfire · 21/05/2008 18:37

My mil takes the hump if we haven't eaten half our bodyweight in food at hers. seconds obligatory, and preferably thirds too. And she stares directly at us as we eat, which is very uncomfortable especially as she usually doesn't eat at the same time "But I made it all for you "...

Colditz' idea seems the best to me. firm and polite. With the emphasis on the firm.

On the other hand, quite a compensation to have a mil who will take your lo while you go to the gym

windygalestoday · 21/05/2008 18:46

I used to live next door to my MIL and it can be difficult its sort of a penalty for on the spot bbysitters and help - if her ways are different to yours i.e ribena with a meal then just let it be a treat at nannys house tbh its sometimes easier just to go with the flow.

greenday · 21/05/2008 18:50

This is a definitely a culture issue. I come from a Chinese family and my parents, typically Chinese type of parents, show their love and care through food. My husband is British and my parents always pressure him to eat, even to the point of taking little servings themselves so that he can have more.

I hate their ways! But that's how they show their love ... sigh!

LittleBella · 21/05/2008 18:56

Bah she sounds like my mother.

Agree it's a cultural thing, you just have to do what Colditz says. TBH there's no point quoting research at them IMO, they must have heard all about it before, but they're not interested, it contradicts what they want to be true IE FOOD = LOVE so thye won't take any notice. Better to just not bother to try and engage, keep refusing food on the basis that it was delicious and now you are full. (I'm generally rude to my mother and say that as we're no longer on the Savannah and I have a fridge full of food at home, I don't feel the need to over-eat in case I don't catch an antelope on the way home, but I can understand you might not want to take that tack with your MIL. )

duomonstermum · 21/05/2008 18:59

i have to agree with greenday. i'm from a japanese family and it's the way they show they care. it can be a pain but i would apologise and explain that it can be too much for the kids after a long day at school. my dad used to get my granny to back off by saying that we were tired from studying so hard she always insisted we take doggy bags home so that was usually our lunch the next day. the neighbours used to eat well too

btw can have your inlaws for a while?? sooo that someone else will cook for you. hate cooking!!!

Original poster

strawberriesandcream01 · 21/05/2008 19:12

Well I just phoned her and apologised. She gave me a big guilt trip about her only trying to help. I also pointed out that I was just trying to explain without having a row about the way my children eat. She says I am too hard on them! I apologised but she didn't apologise to me which is typical of her really.

I know it's their culture but it just gets abit much after a while and they always do the same food which gets abit broing a sickly when you have to eat so much!

I also knew a chinese girl who had a seious problem with food and would projectile vomit because once her bowl was clean they used to add more.

OP posts:

greenday · 21/05/2008 19:44

Hah! Another Chinese trait - the inability of the elders to admit any wrong on their part. And the whole 'I'm only doing this for you, etc' ....
The bad news is, that's how they are.
The good news is, they don't mean any harm. So don't let it get to you.

Still, I hate it, I hate it, I hate ... and I so hope to God that I never do this to my own children!!!

duomonstermum · 21/05/2008 21:17

ahhh but greenday wait till you find yourself doing something that your parents did/said...... oh the moment of abject horror!!!

tis true though. lots of elders never admit they are wrong. they are only wrong because you think they are wrong. they on the other hand are infinately wise

angel1976 · 21/05/2008 21:55

Hi strawberriesandcream01,

I am Chinese and I can see where you are coming from... My family is OBSESSED with food and food is not just food with Chinese people, it's a lifestyle! I personally love it, never had an issue with food (well, if you consider loving food TOO MUCH an issue, then maybe ) and my DH has now learned to love food as much and we really hope our DS (only 3 months old) will learn to love food as much.

Also, the first thing my parents/grandma will say on seeing someone is 'oh, you've put on weight' or 'oh, you've lost weight'. I used to get really offended by it but have since realised that because food is such a major part of our lives, how well you eat (as reflected on how much weight you have lost/put on) is a sign of your wellbeing. Also, my DH learned the hard way to say no... During his first Chinese New Year, he was almost sick as every relative's house we visited, he was offered food and he just kept taking it until I told him to either say no or take the food and don't bother eating too much of it! Offering food is a must when someone comes to visit in a Chinese family, it can't be helped! LOL...

I don't know why I am telling you this except that there is definitely a culture clash going on here. I am going back to see my family with DS in a couple of weeks and it's going to be hard in that I can see my parents trying to give DS a taste of this and that or insist on dragging him all over the place (my family doesn't believe in routines or bedtimes). But I keep telling myself that hey, I was brought up in that environment and didn't come to any harm. In fact, I am very pleased with how I turned out. Heh heh...

I guess in a way, I'm trying to ask if you could cut your inlaws some slack, they really only do mean well. I know it will be difficult for me as well when I see my family (as the way I am bringing up DS is definitely more 'Western' than Chinese!) but I have to keep telling myself they only mean well and they see DS for such a short time that I should really try not to sweat the small stuff. GL!

angel1976 · 21/05/2008 21:57

Oh yes, my grandma used to tell me that if I don't clean up my plate (as in eat everything on it), every grain of rice I leave will become pimples on my future husband's face... Guess what? I now have to eat EVERYTHING on my plate as a habit and my DH did have very bad skin for a while. LOL!

greenday · 21/05/2008 22:13

Angel1976, you sound like you come from my part of the world (Are you by any chance from S'pore or M'sia?)! Everything you've written is like a page off my book, but unfortunately, I haven't learnt to accept it as well as you have. (Must try harder!)

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