Just had a huge row with MIL, really upset......

[strawberriesandcream01]

Here's the story. We live next door to in laws, OH works away mon- fri so i have to deal with them all the time. They do keep themselves to themselves anyway.

We went over last wednesday for dinner, they do huge amounts that they put in the middle to help ourselves to (they are chinese). Most of the time I feel pressured into eating and stuffing myself full. Our 2 children aged 5yrs and nearly 2 don't eat very much, 2 yr old having huge problems with food at the mo and can't get her to eat much, oldest DD doesn't really like to eat. I think this is down to the in laws as they are always putting so much pressure on them eating or saying they haven't eaten much.

Tonight for some reason they thought we were going over so cooked us a bit spread. So over we went. DD1 has cooked meal at school and did quite well with dinner as did DD2 after a little birbery. BUT FIN brings out cartons of ribena at the beginning of the meal which is a def no no! Then for pudding they had choc eclairs and they said DD1 could have a whole one but she didn't want to so they questioned it. I cut it in half then in quarters and they had a quarter each but after MIL was trying to make her eat another piece when she didn't want to and then kept saying it's only a small bite. At this point I piped up because this has been going on for long enough. She took it the wrong way and just never understands what I mean and had a go saying I am ungrateful and they only try and please me.

I am now really upset, I guess in a few days it will blow over but she was saying oh you look after your own children. She wll look after DD2 while I go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week and now I really don't want her to.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's bit long!

Totally agree with angel, you seem to see only the food on the table when it really isn't about that at all.

Don't forget that China suffered many famines and having a lot to eat and being able to put a lot of food on the table shows generosity and prosperity.

The 'Oh, you've put on weight' is a good thing in their eyes because they don't think you're fat, but because they want to say you look healthy and luck must be on your side because you have enough to eat.

The Chinese greeting: 'Ni hao ma' actually translates literally as 'Have you eaten yet'.

You get my drift, I presume.

Also, in Chinese culture your bowl/plate will be refilled every time you eat it clean. (Saw enough colleagues 'suffer' their way through lavish banquets with over ten dishes and no idea about this indicator.)

Leave some on your plate and maintain a smiley face but be determined. Say thank you, as smugcolditz advised and try to say no more to them. They only mean well.

alexa - was just about to say the same! It is the Chinese way to offer more and more food....if you clean your plate it will be refilled. you need to leave some on your plate to indicate 'full'.

Secondly I have the same problem with my mother(not Chinese btw) - she doesn't seem to appreciate that DS is a 1/5 the size of the rest of us and needs less food... I have an agreement with her that I do DS's plate now - - I used the argument "he will eat more if you don't overwhelm him with food" and if he finishes it he can have more!

they need to back off. it's not up to them what your children eat, it's up to you. bloody in-laws. they had enough time to make up the rules when their kids were young, now it's your turn and they seriously need to defer to your authority. My MIL is the same so i speak from bitter experience.

Next time it happens, could you suggest taking home some leftovers? I know it's very much a cultural thing to think that dinner = table legs about to splinter under the weight of the food, but when I lived in Hong Kong almost every single local colleague would pull out a box of leftovers and re-heat them for lunch.

Don't re-heat rice as it harbours all kind of nasties but everything else will save you cooking the next day.

I have a similar relation problem!

I just say, very calmly, to the children, "You don't have to eat it if you don't want to"

I repeat this 2000 times during each meal where they are being pressured to eat

I don't direct my comments to the "pushers", I just tell the children that they should not feel pressured to eat if they don't want to

millions of times during each meal

Hosts get the message

Hey greenday,

I'm from Singapore but have spent the last 12 years 'escaping', first to Sydney then London where I met my DH but REALLY miss my family now I have DS. :D Oh god, there are some things I just can't (and probably will) never accept... Do you realise how Chinese people NEVER listen? I have that problem with my family... It's like a broken record with them.

I remember once how I was in Singapore with an Aussie friend of mine who eats NO chilli and my mum insisted on taking us out for laksa (spicy noodle soup) and she repeated herself about 20 times while I keep saying 'Sarah cannot eat hot stuff'. The last time I was home, I said straight to my family that none of them listen, hence the constant repetition and misunderstanding! LOL... Even my mum agrees...

Where are you? We should meet up and moan about families... I am going to Singapore in a few weeks and I have to admit, I feel nervous, I just know my family would want DS to be shown off to everyone in the family (that's about 1001 of them!). LOL!

Ax

Hey strawberriesandcream01,

I suppose you can see it in a way that they are encouraging your children to have a healthy appetite? Kids are very resilient... If they don't want to eat, they won't (DS is 3 months old and has already mastered the trick of pursing his lips when he has had enough so I can't stick the bloody bottle in his mouth). And if your inlaws do push too far and make them cry or have a tantrum, they will learn soon enough not to push too hard! Sometimes, inlaws just think they know best and won't listen to you but will pay heed to the LO...

Ax

Hah! Angel, I'm from S'pore too and spent the last 15 years escaping too. First to Canberra and THANK HEAVENS I met my DH so I'm here in London hiding out as well. But as the saying goes ... you can run, but you cna't hide ... so my parents and their ways still continue to haunt me. I actually stop looking forward to trips back home now, in fact, I quite often dread them. I think its worse now that I have become a mum and had to grow up and I guess, be an adult, but as typical parents, they continue to treat me as a child (which is not helped by the distance which tends to magnify circumstances). Ahhh, but its always nice to know that I'm not the only one with the same problem.

Hi greenday (strawberriesandcream01, sorry to hijack your thread!),

Really? I find that after having DS (3 months tomorrow!), I am really missing family and I've never missed them before! To be fair, it's more my cousins etc that I have grown up with that I miss terribly. How old are your child(ren)? Maybe my parents aren't that bad afterall. Message me: eangie at hotmail dot com and we can 'talk' without hijacking this thread! LOL...

Ax