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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's sober now - is it safe to hope?

47 replies

ThatCalmCat · 01/06/2025 08:11

I ended a three-year relationship last year due to his drinking. He could be very nasty and unreasonable - verging on emotionally and verbally abusive, definitely paranoid and insecure. This only happened when he was drinking.

He would drink at least a bottle of wine to himself every evening, as soon as he could.

During this time, my dad was very poorly. After we split, my dad passed away. My ex tried to support me, but ended up royally messing things up by getting drunk at the wake.

Since then, we’ve gone no contact (my decision, after receiving a barrage of texts and calls - some kind and remorseful, others flipping into nastiness).

He has since told mutual friends he isn’t proud of how he treated me. They’ve confirmed he hasn’t had a drink since then. I believe he started going to AA and was on a waiting list for counselling.

The only contact we’ve had is a Christmas card he sent. I bumped into him once unexpectedly – he was with his whole family. He seemed really pleased to see me and was very friendly, but I was anxious and didn’t know what to say. I managed to speak to his family a bit, but barely spoke to him because I was so nervous. Oddly, they all said they’d expected to see me there, as my friend’s band was playing at the bar.

I’ve had relationships with alcoholics before (I’ve not had the best luck in love), but this is the first time someone has actually quit and tried to make a real change.

I’m upset he couldn’t do this while we were still together - especially when my dad was so ill, and I really needed support.

The thing is, I haven’t stopped thinking about him since we split. Every single day.
We had a great relationship in many ways, but his drinking - and the controlling behaviour that came with it - ruined it.

Am I being too optimistic in hoping he’s changed after losing me? Is it foolish to think we could reconcile?

I’ve been invited to an event that he and his friend are putting on and am torn about going. I know I’m vulnerable to being pulled back in.

I’d really appreciate others’ thoughts on whether people can genuinely change. Or not.

I’m not a walkover, by the way - but I know I put up with far too much before I finally snapped.

OP posts:
FortyElephants · 01/06/2025 08:14

I wouldn't. Not worth the risk.

Userfriendly20 · 01/06/2025 08:17

I don’t see why you can’t hope.

With what PP said “risk” - there is always risks involved with everything.

i wouldn’t jump back in but maybe play it safe from a far from now and see just how seriously he is taking his sobriety.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 01/06/2025 08:17

No way. Why would you risk it? And why on earth would you want to get back together with a man who was 'very nasty and verging on verbally and emotionally abusuve' to you, whatever the reason?

MissMoneyFairy · 01/06/2025 08:20

You didn't and will never have a great relationship with this man, don't look back with affection at an abusive controlling alcoholic bully

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 01/06/2025 08:21

Please don’t do this to yourself.
You have no proof he is sober.
He could be going to AA and have counselling, whilst still drinking in private.
If he is trying to stay sober, leave him to it. The last thing he needs is a relationship.
I know it’s tough, there will have been good times, but you ended it with good reason.
I am dealing with someone in my world like this (not romantic) who called me last week, swore blind they were sober, but it’s an act.
This man sees you as a safety net. It is easier to come back to you than face reality.
Why couldn’t he get sober for you? That’s not how it works, if it works well.
If an alcoholic tried to get sober for someone else, then the someone else will then need to feel grateful. At the first sign of trouble the someone else will get blamed.
Sorry that all sounds so gloomy, but please don’t allow yourself to be treated this way. You have been so strong to walk away, don’t put yourself back in the firing line.

FortyElephants · 01/06/2025 08:23

Userfriendly20 · 01/06/2025 08:17

I don’t see why you can’t hope.

With what PP said “risk” - there is always risks involved with everything.

i wouldn’t jump back in but maybe play it safe from a far from now and see just how seriously he is taking his sobriety.

Of course there are always risks but some are more likely than others and some have more serious consequences than others. Life is about assessing risk and deciding what's worth taking and what isn't. Choosing to resume a relationship with an abusive alcoholic who is maybe in recovery is a very big risk.

Original poster
ThatCalmCat · 01/06/2025 08:52

Thanks, everyone. I'm not planning to go back. There's no sign of reconciliation anyway.

What's hard is that I can't seem to get him out of my head, or let go of the idea that he might change for me. I realise it's more of a fantasy, a longing to feel like I’m worth that kind of change.

I was curious to hear if anyone has had a similar experience where things have genuinely worked out, because in my experience, alcoholism tends to be pretty bleak.

OP posts:
Mia20222 · 01/06/2025 08:54

I'm going through a tough time with DH. I feel unwanted and unappreciated. We have a 2-year-old, but our relationship is strained. He rarely initiates intimacy, he even once told me that I could sleep with others if I wanted, and has refused to consider divorce. He's 16 years older, treats me like a child, and avoids going out together. I feel like he’s embarrassed of me. (I’m very attractive 29year old). Despite discussing fixing our relationship and having another baby, I often feel lonely and unloved. He seems excited about having another child, and he is a good dad to our daughter. I feel like the only reason he married me is to have kids and don’t feel left out as all of his friends are married with kids. I feel lost—am I overreacting? Should I have another baby with him anyways even though I know this relationship won’t survive?? I don’t know what to do I really want another baby- a sibling for my daughter who’s going to be three next month.. He’ll never divorce me.. he’ll make my life miserable.. should I just forget about being loved by him and just focus on being a good mother?

AuntyTraybake · 01/06/2025 09:14

When someone joins AA they tell them not to start a romantic relationship for at least the first year because it’s too hard when your priority is trying to stay sober. So, if I was you, I would stay away. Don’t go to anything he will be at. The fact that this man is supposedly newly sober and going to bars is concerning. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s back on the drink pretty soon tbh. I’ve been in AA myself and I would never advise anyone just starting their journey to sobriety to go anywhere near a bar unless they absolutely had to, (say for work or a wedding or funeral). And even then, I’d be advising them to make it as short a visit as humanly possible and if they felt it was going to be hard to just not go.

If he is actually sober, do him and yourself a favour and leave him to it. If he comes back in a few years time having stayed completely sober and he’s in a good place, maybe consider it then but I wouldn’t be waiting about for him because unfortunately, staying sober is a gargantuan task for any alcoholic and it doesn’t always last. I’ve known people in AA who’d been sober for 20 years end up back on the drink.

AuntyTraybake · 01/06/2025 09:15

Mia20222 · 01/06/2025 08:54

I'm going through a tough time with DH. I feel unwanted and unappreciated. We have a 2-year-old, but our relationship is strained. He rarely initiates intimacy, he even once told me that I could sleep with others if I wanted, and has refused to consider divorce. He's 16 years older, treats me like a child, and avoids going out together. I feel like he’s embarrassed of me. (I’m very attractive 29year old). Despite discussing fixing our relationship and having another baby, I often feel lonely and unloved. He seems excited about having another child, and he is a good dad to our daughter. I feel like the only reason he married me is to have kids and don’t feel left out as all of his friends are married with kids. I feel lost—am I overreacting? Should I have another baby with him anyways even though I know this relationship won’t survive?? I don’t know what to do I really want another baby- a sibling for my daughter who’s going to be three next month.. He’ll never divorce me.. he’ll make my life miserable.. should I just forget about being loved by him and just focus on being a good mother?

Start your own thread. Just copy and paste this.

justkeepswimingswiming · 01/06/2025 09:16

My DH was a drug addict. He’s been clean & sober for 8 years now. He now works out 4 days a week & is a completely different man. Addicts can change.
obviously I can’t grauntee your ex has completely changed but they can change. anyone is capable of change if they want it that badly.

S0j0urn4r · 01/06/2025 09:17

Stay no contact.
If this is a repeating pattern (seeing alcoholics) as you say maybe get some counselling to figure out how to stop it.
Stop going to places he'll be.

babystarsandmoon · 01/06/2025 09:19

Leave him in the past

NCtoavoidsniggering · 01/06/2025 09:21

I can only speak from my experience- ex wife stopped drinking for a while to try to get me to come back. When she realised it wasn’t happening, she restarted. So I’d tend to think that unless he’s doing it for him - not for you - and he’s had the counselling and stuck to it - the probably it’s not a permanent change.
You know you’re vulnerable to being pulled back in with him, you’re still thinking about him. So I’d advise to stay away, keep NC until you can see things more objectively.

Climbinghigher · 01/06/2025 09:27

Read up on codependency. Lots of podcasts on it as well.

Original poster
ThatCalmCat · 01/06/2025 09:27

AuntyTraybake · 01/06/2025 09:14

When someone joins AA they tell them not to start a romantic relationship for at least the first year because it’s too hard when your priority is trying to stay sober. So, if I was you, I would stay away. Don’t go to anything he will be at. The fact that this man is supposedly newly sober and going to bars is concerning. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s back on the drink pretty soon tbh. I’ve been in AA myself and I would never advise anyone just starting their journey to sobriety to go anywhere near a bar unless they absolutely had to, (say for work or a wedding or funeral). And even then, I’d be advising them to make it as short a visit as humanly possible and if they felt it was going to be hard to just not go.

If he is actually sober, do him and yourself a favour and leave him to it. If he comes back in a few years time having stayed completely sober and he’s in a good place, maybe consider it then but I wouldn’t be waiting about for him because unfortunately, staying sober is a gargantuan task for any alcoholic and it doesn’t always last. I’ve known people in AA who’d been sober for 20 years end up back on the drink.

Thank you - what you said really resonates with me. The fact that he was in a bar (even though he was just driving his daughter and mum there) felt strange.
I’m also interested in learning more about the steps in AA – particularly the one about making amends and acknowledging harm caused to others. I have been wondering if I will ever hear anything about that.
I’m feeling very mixed up at the moment. Losing my dad has been incredibly hard – we were extremely close, and he was the most wonderful dad that I could have ever asked for. I miss him so much.
The end of the relationship was also a huge loss, and part of me still wants to hold on to some kind of connection with him. It was a very intense relationship. I’ve also started wondering whether, because of some of the abusive elements, I might be trauma bonded to him. I’ve read a little about it recently, but I’m not sure I fully understand it yet.

OP posts:
LividRah · 01/06/2025 09:28

Oh my christ no.

One of the reasons I divorced alcoholic xh was because I knew that no matter how long he was sober for, I'd never REALLY be able to relax because he was only ever one drink away from being in the gutter again. It might be a decade and then you've wasted a decade of your life on eggshells.

(Spoiler: he never really got sober and died aged 39)

Don't do it. Get some therapy for yourself to work out why this is your standard.

TheFatCatsWhiskers1 · 01/06/2025 09:28

Alcoholics can and do change. I have a friend who’s an alcoholic, I knew him when he drank, and he’s about 12 years sober now. He introduced me to a friend who is also an alcoholic, even longer sober. Both lovely people who had the courage and determination to turn their life around and stick to it.

Dogpawsandcatwhiskers · 01/06/2025 09:29

Put. Yourself. First.

He hurt you deeply at a time you really really needed his support. Drinking to self medicate brings out who people really are - it lowers their mask.
Why would you put yourself back in a position where you're on tenterhooks all the time? You can't "save" him, he has to save himself by staying off the booze permanently and getting counselling - he's not there yet.

Also might you consider counselling yourself to try and understand why you're attracted to and feel the need to fix men with issues and work on boundaries?

mumda · 01/06/2025 09:31

, a longing to feel like I’m worth that kind of change.

@ThatCalmCat
Think through what you've written here.

You need to value yourself much more.

Sassybooklover · 01/06/2025 09:31

Honestly, keep clear. We have an alcoholic in our family, and he's had various relationships, all of which he's ruined by drinking. He's been sober for years, then hits the bottle, then gets sober, then hits the bottle....you get the picture. It's a never ending cycle. He's been in rehab, AA meetings, had counselling but nothing works long-term. Ultimately, it's a choice that's made, and he can't seem to stay sober for long. Yes, this man may be sober, but how long will that last? Alcoholism destroys the person, immediate family and extended. My relative has had a huge amount of help and support from his family/friends, but he can't seem to help himself.

Renabrook · 01/06/2025 09:31

So he has shown you multiple times who he is and you keep on walking around with blinkers on and your head in the sand, how many more times are you going to try and convince yourself?

NCtoavoidsniggering · 01/06/2025 09:32

Mia20222 · 01/06/2025 08:54

I'm going through a tough time with DH. I feel unwanted and unappreciated. We have a 2-year-old, but our relationship is strained. He rarely initiates intimacy, he even once told me that I could sleep with others if I wanted, and has refused to consider divorce. He's 16 years older, treats me like a child, and avoids going out together. I feel like he’s embarrassed of me. (I’m very attractive 29year old). Despite discussing fixing our relationship and having another baby, I often feel lonely and unloved. He seems excited about having another child, and he is a good dad to our daughter. I feel like the only reason he married me is to have kids and don’t feel left out as all of his friends are married with kids. I feel lost—am I overreacting? Should I have another baby with him anyways even though I know this relationship won’t survive?? I don’t know what to do I really want another baby- a sibling for my daughter who’s going to be three next month.. He’ll never divorce me.. he’ll make my life miserable.. should I just forget about being loved by him and just focus on being a good mother?

@Mia20222 dear lord you are in such a dangerous place right now. Seems neither you nor your DH are thinking at all straight - he doesn’t want to sleep with you, he’s happy for you to sleep around, he wants you to stay and have more kids - and you’re seriously considering doing this? First thing is - do not under any circumstances consider having another baby. I’d also advise against playing away - it might scratch an itch but it’s a seriously bad idea. Yes, focus on you and your daughter. Then think seriously about divorce- it’s not up to him, you’re not stuck there unless you want to be and you’ve potentially got another 45 years or so together….. Message if you feel you need to but seriously. I think you need someone to hold your hand and make sure you don’t do anything stupid right now

Original poster
ThatCalmCat · 01/06/2025 09:33

justkeepswimingswiming · 01/06/2025 09:16

My DH was a drug addict. He’s been clean & sober for 8 years now. He now works out 4 days a week & is a completely different man. Addicts can change.
obviously I can’t grauntee your ex has completely changed but they can change. anyone is capable of change if they want it that badly.

Edited

It's good to hear that your DH has managed to change.
I also wonder if alcohol is harder to give up than other drugs. Especially as it is a societal norm and legal.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/06/2025 09:34

OP, do you think your longing for your ex might be part of losing your dad? You want consistency, you want someone who knows you because you have lost the person who knew you and loved you best and you want to replace that? You won't, you can't. This man hurt you very badly when you needed him. Familiarity can be a strong lure when you're hurting, but this man is not who you need.