He's sober now - is it safe to hope?

[ThatCalmCat]

I ended a three-year relationship last year due to his drinking. He could be very nasty and unreasonable - verging on emotionally and verbally abusive, definitely paranoid and insecure. This only happened when he was drinking.

He would drink at least a bottle of wine to himself every evening, as soon as he could.

During this time, my dad was very poorly. After we split, my dad passed away. My ex tried to support me, but ended up royally messing things up by getting drunk at the wake.

Since then, we’ve gone no contact (my decision, after receiving a barrage of texts and calls - some kind and remorseful, others flipping into nastiness).

He has since told mutual friends he isn’t proud of how he treated me. They’ve confirmed he hasn’t had a drink since then. I believe he started going to AA and was on a waiting list for counselling.

The only contact we’ve had is a Christmas card he sent. I bumped into him once unexpectedly – he was with his whole family. He seemed really pleased to see me and was very friendly, but I was anxious and didn’t know what to say. I managed to speak to his family a bit, but barely spoke to him because I was so nervous. Oddly, they all said they’d expected to see me there, as my friend’s band was playing at the bar.

I’ve had relationships with alcoholics before (I’ve not had the best luck in love), but this is the first time someone has actually quit and tried to make a real change.

I’m upset he couldn’t do this while we were still together - especially when my dad was so ill, and I really needed support.

The thing is, I haven’t stopped thinking about him since we split. Every single day.
We had a great relationship in many ways, but his drinking - and the controlling behaviour that came with it - ruined it.

Am I being too optimistic in hoping he’s changed after losing me? Is it foolish to think we could reconcile?

I’ve been invited to an event that he and his friend are putting on and am torn about going. I know I’m vulnerable to being pulled back in.

I’d really appreciate others’ thoughts on whether people can genuinely change. Or not.

I’m not a walkover, by the way - but I know I put up with far too much before I finally snapped.

You have connected your loss of your father with him in one big ball of loss.
I'm so sorry for you.
Don't go back.
There is nothing but misery for you there.
What I do think might be good for you is to join Fam Anon, one of the support groups that support those that have been impacted by alcohol.

Alcohol is very very difficult to crack as a drug.
So man relapses.
Seek out some counselling support for yourself but don't go back.
You deserve so much better.
Not all alcoholics are abusive.
He was.
So he was a nasty man with a drink problem.
Not worth it.

Yes me. My husband had to reach his own rock bottom before he decided to stop drinking. He’d had problems with the booze all his adult life. We had a son then got married and it all carried on. Going for a quick drink after work. Telling me he was just jumping in a cab then getting home in the early hours. I tried and tried to make it better for us by collecting him from work etc. He was like a Jekyll and Hyde. When he was drinking he’d be verbally abusive etc. Fast forward and he’s been sober 23 years now. He knew if he carried on the way he was that he’d lose his marriage and his son. The point is, it CAN work out but it’s up to the drinker to decide enough is enough and to have a solid purpose to have a better life. Of course he misses a drink if we are out or on holiday etc but he knows alcohol doesn’t agree with him. It turns him into a complete bastard.

Yes, I have avoided places that he might be. I have even declined a few events that my friends have hosted where I know he has been invited. I have politely declined saying I didn't want to create an awkward atmosphere and rearrange to catch up with them at another time and they have understood and done this which has been really nice and understanding.

Bumping into him at the bar was a surprise as it was my friend's band, not a friend of his (they are acquainted now). He and his family said they "knew" I would be there because of this. The relationship was long distance, but I have heard recently that he has moved closer to be with his family who are local to me.
If it was me in his shoes "knowing" he would be there I would have avoided going that night, and certainly not bring my whole family along.

As for the event that he and his friend put on, I have gone every year for years, I have been invited and am torn between going to see what is happening with him (sober wise) and avoiding it like the plague.

I agree re counselling. I've been putting it off as I am scared it will bring up a lot of my past and force me to deal with difficult experiences. I am still grieving my dad and not sure I'm strong enough yet.

What do you get out of those relationships?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. It looks like you’ve learnt an awful lot of damaging lessons, not least of all you trying and failing to be a rescuer and or saviour here to these men who did not want your love nor to be rescued .
People only change if they want to (they did not) and it’s nothing to do with you . However, someone has taught you otherwise and your self worth is tied in with that erroneous belief.

Read about codependency and see how much of that relates to your own behaviour in these dysfunctional relationships.

Was your late father an alcoholic?.

Do not go back to your alcoholic ex under any circumstances. Be on your own and widen your social circle.

Get therapy and be on your own , it’s better than being in such poor relationship. Going from one bad relationship to another further weakens your already poor boundaries. This should not be your lot in life.

You very much remain vulnerable to such approaches from alcoholics and others who you feel need rescuing and that likely all started in your childhood or adolescence. You will always be unlucky in
love if you keep going after these types. Your type is not your type.

Al-anon as a group could help you no end and re therapy I would contact the BACP.

It’s a really tough situation but you mention you’ve been involved with alcoholics before. Could be worth getting some therapy to explore that some more. None of their actions are your fault of course (!!) but sometimes we find ourselves being drawn to the same kind of broken people and it’s very helpful to understand why. Therapy might help you break that cycle.

Do not hide behind grief of your dad. Do not kick the can down the road and keep on putting therapy or counselling off.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Do not let your past experiences define you further as a person.

CRUSE are a very good organisation re bereavement.

I’d be firmly in the ‘avoid like the plague’ camp!

No, neither of my parents had alcohol issues at all.
I'm not sure where my tendency to pick this type of men comes from.
My first "boyfriend" was older and pretty much denied being in a relationship with me because I was over a decade younger. I allowed this and tolerated a lot of crappy behaviour from him and then continued to be overly tolerant of bad behaviour in future relationships.
My social circle have been quite a hedonistic bunch over the years, and I have met ex partners in pubs or parties.
I like a drink myself, but I only ever drink socially and can generally take it or leave it. I've never understood people drinking alone either.

Your first bf has a lot to answer for. It could be argued you were actually groomed by him. He was a predator.

I was 18? I think it was less about him being a predator and more that he was pretty unpleasant and I tolerated it. Surprise, surprise, he still mixes in my social circle and is a functioning alcoholic these days.

I think, after some time alone and seeking the counselling I clearly do need, that I will find other ways to meet new people rather than at pubs/gigs and parties.
I have thought about walking/hiking groups.

Another point to add was something my lovely dad said to me, years ago, was that I had a habit of friendships and relationships with the waifs and strays, as I am a generous, helpful and patient person as a rule.
He also said of my recent ex, "he will never change".

Your dad was probably right.
And the ‘waifs and strays’? I was once told ‘I understand you now - you’re an empath: You get what people need and want to give it to them’. Sometimes it can be costly

Don’t make adult relationships with a “fixer-upper”

This man will always be an alcoholic, whether drinking or sober. He will never be a good fit for you. There is a lot in your posts about seeking and needing approval and seeing the way others treat you as a reflection of your worth. You were treated badly in your first relationship and it sounds hard for you to think about what you deserve and should expect from others. I echo comments about support from AlAnon if you are even remotely tempted to go back. Please think about getting some therapy for yourself anyway. It seems like it could be a good time.

this is a clear sign that therapy would be good for you - to explore why you tolerated that behaviour, why this wasnt the first alcoholic you had had a relationship with.....

I've known a few alcoholics over the years. None of them was nasty and abusive. I distanced myself during the drinking days but the two who stopped drinking, our relationship then recovered (Family/friends not partners).

But as stated above, none of them was nasty and abusive. The alcohol may have exaggerated and 'freed' that behaviour in your ex, but IMO it will have been there underneath all along.

Have you considered perhaps you may be 'trauma bonded' to him? It's probably worth trying to understand why he is still on your mind so much, because this relationship was never a good one, drink or no drink.

It's a lovely romantic idea. Nothing wrong with being romantic as long as you know it doesn't translate into reality.

Just wanted to say thank you all for being kind, and for giving me a bit of clarity and strength. Some of the things shared - especially around not valuing myself - have been hard to read, but they’ve also really made me think.
I’ve messaged a friend who was thinking of attending the event with me that my ex and his friend organise each year, to say I won’t be going and that I need to steer clear of him. She’s more my friend than his, so it’s not going to cause any drama. Saying it out loud to someone has made it feel more real – and I won’t go back on my word now.
I think it’s time I started fantasising about meeting someone who isn't an alcoholic - someone kind, emotionally mature, and healthy. That’s a far more realistic dream… and it doesn’t leave me feeling torn up inside.

That’s step 8 and it could take him years to get to that point. I wouldn’t be holding my breath if I was you. It’s not really a linear process. Some people might not even ever make it to that point because some people end up back on the drink long before that point. I think you’d be much better investing your energy into yourself and your own healing. You’ve been through a lot and a massive bereavement. Perhaps focusing on some counselling for yourself would be better use of your time and energy. Cruse are a great counselling service for those affected by bereavement.

Acting like that at my Father's wake wouldn't be something I could forgive or forget, but each to their own

I think you need a whole new social circle tbh, you won't find a good, stable relationship among the hedonistic alcoholics and waifs and strays. I'm so glad you decided against getting back into it with your ex, honestly a lifetime of misery would be the only place that was headed.

You need much better boundaries and to run at the first sign of red flags - work on finding someone your dad would have approved of.

No, it's not safe.