Do you think there’s such a thing as

[LightCameraBitchSmile]

An attractive, accomplished, stable woman with interests/hobbies and no red flags who actively dates and puts herself out there, but still ends up alone?

I ask after a weird rejection yesterday and just wondering how much faith to put into the assumption that if I just keep trying I’ll meet someone.

I’ve not had a relationship for 4 years and not had sex in 18 months. I’m in my early 30s. I’m just a bit fed up and feeling low.

It's quite common and the reason more of why my friends and I (all mid-early 30s) are choosing to be single.

Men get jealous as well, I've just bought my first property and it has created an intense reaction from men which is strange

I am not sure I don’t have red flags (as those are often one’s blind spots) but I am all the other things you’ve mentioned, if it’s not too arrogant to say so, and I have spent most of my adult life single despite actively dating. I don’t have any advice other than to de-prioritise relationships and find happiness from other areas of life where you invariably have more control: hobbies, travel, exercise, career, friends and family. That’s what I did from about age 28 (now 35) and I’ve been much happier since.

Full closure, I am in the early stages of dating someone so I am not currently single, but I was just as happy before I met him. I have a fab life and he adds to it. If the relationship ever veered into detracting from my fab life, I would have no qualms ending it because I know I can be happy and thriving single.

I found in my early 30's guy said they found independent and self reliant women attractive. But none of them could really "cope" with being in a relationship with one. They ended up getting jealous, had trust issues, got pissed off when we challenged their trying-to-be-controlling behaviours. For example, refusing to turn on tracking on my phone while away for training with work for a week. His reasoning "cause I love you and want to know you are safe". <Eye roll>

My advice? Learn how to be happy and comfortable being single. Keep an open mind when dating and if like my friends and I, you'll eventually meet someone who loves you the way you are, rather than the imagine of you in their head.

Feel your pain
I was 32-33 / earning >150k per year, owned own property, went to gym in the mornings, trained to be a yoga teacher, had loads and loads of friends. Was financially savvy and looked after myself.

I never had a drier spell when dating as during those years… infact to be quite brutal, I was treated appaulingly. When Men found out how happy and confident I was they took it upon themselves to neg me, ghost me etc. It was BY FAR the worst I had even been treated during dating.

I ended up meeting a guy 10 years older than me at 35. Interestingly, he was more accomplished than me and earned more and has been to date (in all the years I dated, so 20) by a country mile the nicest to me. He was the man I ended up marrying.

Do not give up hope but what I would say it completely change your tactic - if you are attractive, accomplished and stable the guys your age or even 5 years older you will have out-done in both intelligence, emotional intelligence, financially and career wise - they will not be interested and end up treating you like shit accordingly. Try to avoid dating apps but if you do use them set your age at 10-15 years older as those guys will be more on your wave length I would guess.

My husband looks like he is going to cry when I tell him stories of guys I dated and he cannot believe how much they tried to humble me. Each and every boyfriend I had before him mentioned my weight (I am 5ft 10 and always had a BMI 24-26) which is just bizarre. Interestly all of these guys have ended up married with kids and not to the supermodels they projected they were entitled to in the slightest - it is most strange.

Thats my only advice OP
Several of my friends did not go onto meet anyone and did SMBC - not ideal but they are happy. For context, these woman are surgeons, lawyers, GP’s and museum curators. One was a model for GAP when we were at Uni. They had dated alot and knew the way of the land, I probably would have done the same. So the answer is Yes, they can end up ‘alone’ but is that such a bad thing? Anyone who has dated enough in the current culture knows how horrific it can be, and if they do not realise it - they have either never been single or are in denial.

💐

I think the @Queenofwishfulthinking1 put it succinctly.
Do not be afraid of all that you have achieved...for men will be frightened of it.
At 53, I feel the same. I have a good job, career, can be mildly amusing at times. Totally self sufficient. I know my own worth. I think it takes time to find the right man when you have it all...because your choosy. Damn right, you should be!
The men who are critical, envy you, cant be you, so try and put you down. Rise above this.

Funny you say that about the house buying , I’ve not witnessed that in real life but on instagram threads I’ve seen some women say the same as you and also unhinged men complaining about single women buying houses. Just earlier today in a YouTube comment a man said single women buy houses to brag, men buy houses for family. It was SO weird. Must be a red pill thing?

Yes the harsh truth is it does happen. Some amazing women end up alone. Hopefully you won’t be one of them though - since that isn’t what you want.

I feel it is a choice thing to an extent though since presumably these women have high standards - and rightly so!

I’m sure if you wanted someone you could have someone but the “issue” is you have high standards and don’t just want anyone . Again- rightly so, please don’t lower your standards!

Personally I believe the great men of good character are relatively few compared to women so it can be tricky to find them especially the older we get.

If only it were limited to red pill types. When I told DM I was buying a property by myself (I was 31 and single at the time), she asked why I wasn’t waiting until after I’d got married to “buy with a husband”. Apparently I was to throw out my financial goals and continue spunking my hard earned money on London rent, for the sake of a hypothetical man. 🤷‍♀️

Yeah one man said to me he couldn't possible be with a woman who owned her own place, than one man said to me my achievement was worthless because I bought amazing and not a house and then it turned out that he lived with his parents and earned a lot less than me so I was kind of thinking who are you to speak to me like that when you don't even earn on my level and live at home

Of course. You could get lucky or you could settle or you could stay single. It’s the same for everyone, male or female.

I’m mid 40s, been single for a loooooong time. I would like to meet someone but not holding out much hope now to be honest.

Surely this OP? Also, as you get older I think your criteria becomes stricter too.

I think there is such a lot wrong with the way men are socialised. They just don’t seem to have the skills for healthy relationships. Something needs to change he in society. It’s really concerning how immature, controlling and selfish so many men appear to be.

It's a terrible indictment on men, isn't it. Agree with PPs, found the same, and ended up marrying a weird fucker who 'showed who he really was' on our wedding day. Negging at the altar, nice one 🙄

There are balanced, reasonable men who can just be pleased to share a comfortable lifestyle equitably with a competent woman. All the ones I met were already married to women of that description, and showing no sign that their dicks had fallen off due to their wives' salary packages.

As to the rest, who wants a bloke whose masculinity depends on lording it over a woman? Misogynist twats, the lot of 'em! My original plan, as a student in the '70s, was to get myself pregnant and have holiday romances. Should've stuck to it, I was wiser than I knew.

I think you are perhaps selecting the wrong men or looking in the wrong places. After dating a lot of lawyers and accountants simply because I mixed in those circles, I ended up marrying a scientist instead. Yes, for most of our working lives I earnt more than him but he definitely paid his fair share. He had his career and things he felt passionately about. He wasn't competitive with my career as he had his own.

You have to look at men who are possibles and interested in a relationship. A lot of 30s professional men are living a great life - plenty of money, sex is pretty freely available and they fully expect to dazzle some twenty something when they finally are about to age out of that lifestyle. I think you might need to sort out the quieter sort, maybe a little more awkward and shyer or maybe a little shorter. Most men who present well and have great social skills with women got those great social skills by practice with a lot of other women. Take a class, learn a language, join a charity or even go to church or whatever your particular faith is.

Why would getting yourself pregnant and having a load of holiday romances have been a wise choice ? I don’t get it.

Because I was a very ambitious young woman who was brutally aware that only a tiny - miniscule - proportion of young men would be able to cope with a woman with no intention of becoming a 'nice little wife'. It's bad enough now; 50 years ago they were scarcer than perfect emeralds.

Sadly for me and the child I never had, I met XH1, who was in tune with my ambitions. I was so thrilled with this paragon of sex equality, I failed to notice he was also violent, unfaithful and obsessively in love with himself. (I sure can pick 'em!)

I hardly need to explain why I factored holiday romances into my plan, do I?

Life would have been far worse as a pregnant student with no partner though! Holiday romances only lead to heartbreak and STDs. It’s a shame about the awful husband however.

I’m a barrister and also (not being arrogant, speaking purely objectively) what most people would consider very physically attractive.
35, single, men literally disappear when they find out about my job, or try to belittle it, or sometimes assume I make coffee for a living, then disappear when I correct them.
I have accepted I will probably end up alone but I am completely fine with it for the most part. My life is peaceful (outside of work 😅) and I am not worried about having kids. I don’t do dating apps because they are horrendous.
there are vanishingly few men who can cope with successful, beautiful, financially independent and self sufficient women. Harder to control.

Isn’t that incredibly sad.

I don’t think it’s impossible to find, just very difficult. To the point where I wouldn’t actively divest my energy in trying to attain it.
sometimes it’s sad that there isn’t someone to cuddle at the end of a long day, but for the most part, the men I have been in relationships with previously have just taken from me in a multitude of ways. Coincidentally, my most successful years career wise have also been when I was single.

Has there been any feedback? Are you into a certain type?

Sad to say OP but your potential mate (ie emotionally mature men who are not threatened by you) is probably in an older age group and already married to another you.

Sadly true OP. I am older and see this in my children and nieces. Wonderful young women who have prioritised study, work, travelling and establishing themselves - then got to 30 and been unable to find anyone even worth compromising for.

The men will try and point and laugh and crow about single cat ladies but they don’t understand that the women KNOW what their choices are and might be sad about being single but would still choose that over a shitty life dependent on a man.

In my mid 20s I got married even though the red flags were out because I wanted a family and just accepted I would have to earn it by giving it all, doing it all, putting up with it all.

I saw a thread on Reddit where the OP was ‘Women don’t understand we’d choose the 20 year old broke waitress over the 30 year old wealthy career girl’. Sorry mate. We understand it very well. The 20 year old doesn’t want you and the 30 year old doesn’t either!

Independence for women has this cost. There aren’t enough men who want an equal partner. It’s up to us to decide if we want to give some of it up for the sake of a relationship and family.

I don’t like this advice. Why should OP have to settle for someone 15 years older? That’s a massive age gap. And it rewards older men who got lazy about settling down when younger and think they can just pick up someone younger to have kids with.

hold out for what you want OP.