Dealing with rejection after short relationship ending

[pinkandpurple2]

I have recently called things off with the guy I was seeing for 4 months. We are both 35 and I am looking for something serious with a view to having a family in the next couple of years which he was aware of.

Although we were exclusive, he kept saying he was finding it hard going into a relationship because he hadn't been in one for a while. This was always upsetting me as I didn't understand why it would be hard if you really liked a person, which he kept assuring me he did, but that he had other stresses which were possible factors at the moment as well, such as work and illness in the family. He said he really liked me and in person, it showed. But I was feeling like a deeper connection wasn't developing because we weren't talking about it. But we were going on nice dates and having sex multiple times a week.

I ended things because of it, saying at 4 months in you should know if you want to be with someone or not. He just said he'd have liked to talk about things, respected my feelings and then ghosted me. It has now been over a week.

I'm struggling with the feelings of having not being good enough for him and feeling really horrible about myself. :( Does this ever get better? Hating on myself at the moment and not understanding what really happened and why I didn't deserve an explanation or elaboration on his feelings which I am aware i'm unlikely to ever get now.

Hold on am I missing something here? You ended the relationship! He sounded like he was having a tough time and you ended things! Hes respecting your decision!

Agree with PP.. You ended the relationship, he respected your decision but you feel he owes you an explanation.

I think you’re being quite unreasonable to expect a man you've dumped to owe you anything tbh.

Dumped him because I felt I didn't have any choice. He was withholding any emotional connection/discussion. I did not want to end it and I am now struggling with the realisation, that I meant nothing after all.

Good lord OP! You were dating for 4 months, not 4 years…then you dumped him!

He owes you precisely nothing!

He’s respecting your feelings and your wish to end it - or did you want him to ‘beg’? I don’t mean that to sound horrible, because it might be that subconsciously you hoped it would jolt him into commitment.

It didn’t.

He can’t help his feelings, just as you can’t help your wish for commitment.

Oh my dear, four months in is nothing to know whether you want to settle down and have a family with someone. There is nothing in what he said which would have made me think he was not that into you at that stage. He was just honest about he was feeling which you need to be able to be if you have a future,

You were far too full on after 4 months of dating. You finished it. Were you expecting him to offer more commitment. I can see why you are upset now he's ghosted you. You dumped him. So I truly can't see why he owes you an explanation.

I am going to have a different approach to the posters so far - not sure if they have been in the position of being in their mid-30’s keen to settle down and start a family and meet a dud. I have. And I can 200000% say you did the right thing, you are completely right. I had these weird ‘situationships’ during my 30s until I met my husband. You will have the camp of 1) you are being intense and unreasonable ‘chill out’ and 2) why did you waste anymore time with someone who clearly didnt like you! Its your fault you are 38 and wasted 2-3 years with a guy who clearly showed you red flags 4 months in !

ANY man I have met who ended up wanted something seriously made sure I knew it with consistent messaging, I was engaged in my 20’s and I knew he was serious within a few weeks, LTR similar and my now husband I knew. I met him when I was 35! Engaged 36 and married at 37! TTC about to turn 38!

He wasted four months of your time - you know it thats why you feel shit. He did not like you that much during the relationship so thats why he had fucked off now. You know this deep down now too.

Well done for not wasting anymore time on him.

The people who called me intense for calling it off with men like this, are now equally as opinioned about my 6 carat engagement ring 🤣

No one is saying she wasn’t right to end it - she absolutely was. They didn’t want same thing - so ending it is the best thing to do.

What most are saying is that after she ended it, he doesn’t owe her the explanation that she wants.

They were on different pages, its done

I didn't expect him to offer commitment as he was pussy footing around that. But I did hope that he at least liked and respected me enough as a person to explain his feelings so I would understand the reason he didn't want to be with me more.

Perhaps that might even have helped me out with knowing what I need to be more aware of or change for future relationships or dating

Jesus OP, it’s all about you isn’t it?!! Sounds like he liked you but was going through a tough time at work and with his family so you binned him because you weren’t his number one priority (after only 4 months of dating). And now you’re doing the ‘oh woe is me’ because he doesn’t want to explain his feelings to you after you’ve binned him. I’m seriously wtf?! Maybe having a bit more compassion (and some patience!) is the lesson you can take away from this.

If you feel like you have to dump someone it’s because you feel that strongly it’s not working so trust your own feelings

If a man says it’s hard work being in a relationship, he’s not going to want to settle down if he’s not finding it easy now.

This is a fair point.

This is ridiculous, I’m sorry. Why do you need to know exactly how you didn’t meet his criteria for a future wife? Are you honestly saying that you would CHANGE YOURSELF to be more attractive to a man you just dumped?! You weren’t right for each other, that’s it. Find someone you’re more compatible with who wants the same things and wants them WITH YOU AS YOU. No good can come from subjugating yourself for the sake of relationship.

In fact, on reflection, maybe a break from dating would benefit you. You need a rock solid sense of self-worth to date healthily and you don’t appear to have that. Take time out to work on your self-esteem then re-enter the dating pool. Good luck.

AFTER you dumped him, you expected him to explain his feelings?!? That is quite messed up of you op. What you’re actually saying, albeit in a more flowery way, is that you expected him to beg for you to stay and seem put out that he didn’t. That is extremely childish and manipulative. He didn’t ‘ghost’ you, he took you at your word.

Strongly disagree
have you ever dated as a woman in mid 30s?

Strongly agree

You did right to dump him . He wasn’t committed and he would have wasted your time . Don’t doubt your decision. Let him go and move on . He wasn’t right for you .

Hi OP. I can emphasise with you and I don’t blame you for wanting some form of closure, even if you did end things. I suggest working on your self esteem in the meantime. I totally understand the feeling of not being good enough and feeling horrible about yourself. Been there, done that.

I do also agree that if he’s finding a relationship hard right now, then he isn’t the man for you, if you’re looking to start a family.

OP I think that because you want to start a family you went into this already expecting huge commitment.

It was only 16 weeks. He just couldn’t commit in the way you wanted and your desperation for that probably made him pull away more. Regardless, he wasn’t the one.

I know you feel shit now. But it will pass. Focus on you now, and how you are going to get out into the world and meet as many new people as possible. Make a plan. How will you find out about events to attend in your town? Business breakfasts? Festivals? Can you join a hobby group? A night class. Volunteer. Are you sporty? Running and rowing and badminton clubs are good places to meet men.

You’ll be OK 💐

Sorry OP. I've been where you are - not so much in that I wanted to start a family (although i was in my thirties and childless) but in dating a man who I really fell for but he seemed very luke warm.

I felt in a state of permanent confusion. It felt like he was doing the basics - showing up for dates, having sex, meals etc. He had been very enthusiastic at the start and then when I got keener (and to my shame a bit needy) he withdrew.

We then ended up with this very unsatisfactory 'relationship' where I had strong feelings for him and he kept showing up for dates etc but didn't give me any vibes of being enthusiastic about it. It was utterly heartbreaking. Like you I tried to find out what the heck was going on and just got answers like 'I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be'. He was having a hard time with work too and so it may be that I didn't wait long enough. Like you I sort of felt forced into ending it as he was bringing some of his problems into the relationship and making my life more difficult. That on top of the fact I felt he was luke warm forced me to end it but like you I really, really didn't want to. I wanted him to love me the way I loved him and it was utterly heartbreaking.

I then went out with a man who I kept my cool with and of course he fell head over heels for me. The difference in the behaviour of the two men was like night and day. Man 1 turned up, said the right things but left me feeling very vunerable, needy and unloved. Man 2 was obvious with his enthusiasm, love, feelings, putting effort in, organising things he knew I would love etc.

(I didn't fall for man 2 and we did break up after 2 years but that's another story)

Anyway the point of my post is I get it and you can be pretty attached to someone after 4 months. Breaking up with someone you don't want to is very, very hard.

Me and man 1 actually tried again several years later and on our 2nd meet up I felt so bad inside I actually wanted to burst out crying. So I told him we weren't compatible and never saw him again. He reached out to me a couple of times but I didn't respond.

My advice - if you think you made a mistake (and think long and hard about it) then ask him for another chance. If he says no, well you have to move on. If he says yes, give it a bit longer and then say by xmas evaluate it again.

I've realised that sucessful relationships need two people who are attracted to each other and have the same values etc but the timing also needs to be right. If one is very much in a relationship place and the other is distracted with work, illness or whatever and not really focused on finding a relationship it doesn't really work.

To this day 11 years later I still think about man 1. I was very attracted to him physically and mentally which is rare and for a long time I felt we were meant to 'be together'

I never went back though and I still feel sad about it.

I wish you luck whatever you decide. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I've been there and I've also been on the other side (where the man's heart was broken). Hugs

P.S. When I finally ended it (part of my reason being I was getting hostile undertones from him) I got accused of 'trying to rush him into things again' and so he clearly was holding on to anger and resentment from when we went out before and I asked for more than he was giving.

The moral of the story it was never going to work. I had been hurt by him and he was feeling rushed, angry and resentful.

I hope your story has a better ending.

@ListeningToMyInnerChild Thanks for your story. I think the same thing happened here. He was great in the first month and a half, but then once we started sleeping together and I was developing feelings, I noticed a shift. Like you, he was arranging meet ups still, giving me compliments, great sex etc. But I always felt confused because he didn't seem overly keen on making things official even though we were exclusively seeing each other. To begin with, I really thought that perhaps his external stresses really were what were holding him back, but I kept on thinking, why would you not want to make someone you really like your girlfriend?

I haven't spoken to him for over a week. I was the last one to send a text, outlining why I'd decided to end things, because I didn't feel important enough to him at this point of months down the line. I never had a response.

I get you. I’m also 34, and dating with the intention to settle down (soon). I believe at our big age, you don’t need tons of time to know how you feel about someone. You should have a strong enough sense of self to know what you want and to know if you want to explore something seriously with someone.

Earlier this year I was dating an asshole for 3 months that was also incredibly wishy washy with me. I was his dream girl on paper, which he also agreed, but for some reason he just wasn’t feeling it with me. In those 3 months he slept over at my place a few times but we never had sex or even kissed with tongue. I think I low key gave him the ick for some reason but even he couldn’t quite figure out what it was. We had tons of conversations (and arguments) about the disconnect I felt from him emotionally and intimately. He would just always reassure me how much he liked me and wanted to have something serious and just wanted to move slowly. Drove me mad because on one hand, not rushing sex is a good thing but on the other hand, I felt entirely rejected.

Things finally ended with this dipshit around Valentine’s Day. I heard NOTHING from him on the day of, even though he made it a point to communicate the day before and the day after. It felt intentional and targeted, like he wanted to make sure I knew my place with him. Anyways, I never said anything. Never responded to his last few messages and he never really tried to explain himself. I refused to give any more energy to this idiot who clearly didn’t even like me enough to send a happy v-day text.

I was upset about this for a little while. Felt really mindfucked because it’s like he used me but not for the one thing that most men would use a woman for, so I couldn’t make any sense of it. In the end I decided that he had mommy issues and I kind of mothered him (I’m naturally a nurturing person) and you can’t fuck your mom right? Because that would be weird. At the end of the day, I’ll never really know what it was but it doesn’t matter.

Don’t let your dipshit affect your worth. He wasn’t your person and that’s all there is to it. You don’t need him to give you a list of reasons why because the right person will think the sun shines out of your ass no matter what. So just delete his number and on to the next.

Good luck out there and stay safe. The dating pool is a literal swamp right now.