Dealing with rejection after short relationship ending

[pinkandpurple2]

I have recently called things off with the guy I was seeing for 4 months. We are both 35 and I am looking for something serious with a view to having a family in the next couple of years which he was aware of.

Although we were exclusive, he kept saying he was finding it hard going into a relationship because he hadn't been in one for a while. This was always upsetting me as I didn't understand why it would be hard if you really liked a person, which he kept assuring me he did, but that he had other stresses which were possible factors at the moment as well, such as work and illness in the family. He said he really liked me and in person, it showed. But I was feeling like a deeper connection wasn't developing because we weren't talking about it. But we were going on nice dates and having sex multiple times a week.

I ended things because of it, saying at 4 months in you should know if you want to be with someone or not. He just said he'd have liked to talk about things, respected my feelings and then ghosted me. It has now been over a week.

I'm struggling with the feelings of having not being good enough for him and feeling really horrible about myself. :( Does this ever get better? Hating on myself at the moment and not understanding what really happened and why I didn't deserve an explanation or elaboration on his feelings which I am aware i'm unlikely to ever get now.

Thank you, I can't believe quite how many times this same scenario seems to play out. This isn't even the first time it's happened to me so I am taking it very personally.

I got so good at recognising the energy that I would dump them (usually very text message) after six weeks or so. Once I got an incline that they were not interested, it would take about 4 months as you have expierenced and it would be over. Without fail. I was always right. So what I would suggest is that you cut them off at the 4-6 week mark - you might have a 1% chance of being wrong but woman’s intuition is there for a reason and you have to trust it. It is better to be single waiting for the right guy than second guessing some wishy washy idiot thats probably still swiping on hinge / bumble / tinder.

And do not take it personally - its the MO of these guys on dating apps etc now.

Last week I got a call from a girlfriend in Birmingham who had a 4 month situationship with a guy from Leeds, excatly the same scenario.

These guys read from the same book of bullshit honestly. She ended up doing the same as you and dumping him, he was not that bothered either.

For context she is a consultant high up in a hospital and he was an assistant social worker. He said he was too busy to reply to her messages. 🤣

Unfortunately, the most likely explanation is that he wasn't that into you, OP. You were right to follow your instincts and get out, if your gut was saying he was full of excuses about why he couldn't offer more and there might be some red flags, like not wanting to make your relationship public.

It could be right person, wrong time, of course, though I suspect that's less likely. I get that life stresses, work, etc, can put someone in a place where they don't have spare time and energy to give. But in your situation I can see why you felt you couldn't wait around to see if that changed.

You probably won't get an explanation from him, and much better to draw a line and move on.

I think instead of looking at this as rejection and look at it as that you've 'sacked' someone who had shown during their trial period that they were unsuited for the 'job' of being your partner.

He wasn't good enough at the role, and now he's gone - no reflection on you, and more of a reflection on him. He wasn't what you wanted, and that's on him.

When you start to view dating as being about choosing, rather than about being chosen, then the reality becomes much more clear and less personal.

"He just said he'd have liked to talk about things, respected my feelings and then ghosted me. It has now been over a week."

You are complaining that you didn't get an explanation from him, but he quite literally asked for the opportunity at the relevant time. You did not agree, having made the decision that you wanted to end the relationship, and that is absolutely fair enough. However, you can't really come back afterwards and blame him for that. I've had relationships end with no explanation for their behaviour; unfortunately you just have to chalk it up to experience and move on. Torturing yourself with "what ifs?" is not going to help you in the long run.

You didn’t give him time. You’ve tried to force his feelings instead of letting them develop and it was obviously going in the right direction but Nevermind.

Possible. But all the signs were telling me otherwise, he wasn't texting as much and didn't seem to want to progress the relationship to the next level and be official.

I was very aware based on that, that whilst I was falling for him, he hadn't for me and that was very painful. I might have sabotaged it but I was feeling it was looking unlikely things were going to change much at 4 months in.

I'm still finding this so hard. Going over things in my mind all the time. But it has been a few weeks now, I think if he wanted to show me I did NOT do the right thing, he would be in touch.