NC with family member

[Caramilky]

I went NC with a family member 5 years ago but due to living in the same area I still occasionally run into them. For example yesterday I took my children to a local play park and they happened to be there (wasn’t expecting them to as they have no children) they approached me and unfortunately to say I left immediately which I’m kind of annoyed about and kids were upset having to leave but I couldn’t face staying there with them there.

Those of you that are NC what do you do if you see the person, do you leave? They haven’t accepted that I don’t want to talk to them anymore and often still try to contact me so thinking about moving away but that isn’t an easy option.

It depends on the reason you’ve gone NC, is it major?

I am NC with a family member, if I see them when out shopping I just try and dodge them. I do feel quite anxious if I see them though.

I don't know if they would approach me but I honestly have nothing to say to this oerson. If I meet them at family gatherings I'll be civil but would rather not speak to them.

Why? Yes enough to not speak to them for 5 years.

Yes that’s how I felt, I didn’t see them first as the park was so crowded but they came over to “say hello” but they just put me on complete edge and they know what they are doing I’ve asked them so many times to leave me alone.

I totally blank them. If they persist in trying to speak to me, I leave - still blanking them.

You are doing really well, OP, you did the right thing.

I’ve been NC with a family member for over 10 years now. Honestly my life is so much less stressful! Living in the same town means there have been a couple of awkward moments but I stil blank them.
It wasn’t anything super super major for me, more like 30+ years of straws and finally the camel’s back went!

I think it’s dependent on the reason as draining toxic behaviour I would have stayed, let the kids have fun then left but ignoring them entirely unless they become bothersome. But criminal reasons to protect my kids I would have absolutely left too!

Bit weird they are at a kids play park with no kids though!!

They were abusive in the past so I didn’t want to stay for that reason, To clarify they were with a friend and their children but don’t have any themselves so wasn’t expecting them there.

I think it depends on the situation and the reason you don't speak to them. If they've been physically abusive in the past, I think you're right to leave (e.g. if there's any chance that you or your children are at any level of risk around them in any way). If it's for emotionally abusive reasons I would personally say a civil "hello" and then I'd have said something along the lines of "I'm busy with my children" and then purposely walk off in a different direction.
You'll need to do what works for you though, the very fact they can't respect your decision speaks volumes, and I can see why you'd want to just leave. However, you don't want them to still have control over you, or dictate what you do, and it feels like at the park this is what occurred which means you're still negativity impacted by their behaviour. So if you can move to a civil hello and then a purposeful avoid/swerve I think that's probably easier long term for you and anyone you're with (unless you're at any kind of physical risk in which case get out of there asap).

God absolutely no chance I would say hello that would totally give the wrong impression and make them more determined.

i am NC with one of my siblings but she is local. i saw her recently in a supermarket. I was polite and said hello, she very clearly was going to just walk past! she was my abuser. i refuse to lower myself to her level

I’d love her to just walk past

I’m NC with a few family members - it depends which one we run into. I’ve done the polite “hello, nice weather” surface chat if they approach me (with the less evil family members), others I’ve just walked past huffily - treated them like they are in the way, which they are when they approach unsolicited when they know how much damage they have done, and carried on with what I’m doing regardless. This usually has the effect of making them leave because they realise I will stand up for myself if they try anything. The person who was most abusive to me though I always leave where I am because they trigger panic attacks.

I am NC with my mum (thankfully she lives in another country and until recently, hadn’t even known where I lived, until she had one of her flying monkeys stalk me and get my address 🙄).

If I saw her somewhere and she approached me, I’d ask her to leave. If she didn’t, I would leave. It would be different if she was just out for a coffee with a friend and minding her own business.

In my case though, she definitely wouldn’t be. There would be wailing and shouting at my children about how much she loves them and how terrible I am and trying to cuddle them and generally unhinged behaviour given one of them doesn’t even know who she is and the other probably wouldn’t recognise her.

It’s perhaps different because we are NC due to safeguarding reasons related to my dc, not just because she’s a jerk.

There are lots of reasons we aren’t in contact and she hasn’t seen my son in 5 years so I really didn’t fancy hanging about as she could approach one of them without me seeing (due to the lay out of the park) and I have 4 children so can’t really follow them around. I’m glad I left at the time it felt like she won but tbh I don’t care I’m going to look at moving away.

NC is the most vicious and awful thing to do to someone. Of course they are "not respecting it". Would you (really???) if the boot was on the other foot?

How about you get support for you both instead!!!! I know it's a huge trend but to have your heart ripped out but a family member is appalling, cruel, selfish. Time we start to call NC out and encourage more people to work on our problems.

You can always be just a bit civil and have other boundaries.

Oh you would continue to speak to someone that was physically abusive to you?

And yes I would respect it if someone didn’t want to talk to me because I use to beat the shit out of them.

You said emotionally.
And yes I have kept some (minimal) contact with a family member who was an abuser.

IMO NC is in itself a form of abuse to those on the end of it. I will not be an abuser.

We can break the chain and protect our selves without deep relationships. Just the odd civil word.

Tell me exactly where I said emotional? Because I didn’t, show me it? I’m glad it’s abuse she can suffer like she put me through hell, will never utter a word to her again for as long as I live I have forgiven a lot but some things can’t be forgiven and that’s when you involve peoples kids it can’t be forgiven.

Life is short and is hard enough.
Nobody should have to tolerate abuse just so they don’t hurt the abusers feelings. The abuser should have thought about the consequences before repeatedly trying to destroy the other person.

And yes, most normal (NOT abusive) people would respect another persons boundaries and stay away if requested, but then again most non-abusive people would never be in the position of someone wanting to go NC with them in the first place!

Its really really difficult. Im NC with my SiL and she lives with her parents! (My in-laws) so seeing her is inevitable. I do try to keep out of the same rooms as her when we are visiting with my children, but if she does come into the sane room she will make a point of being openly hostile towards me so yes I do leave. She did and said some horrible things and I do not want such an awful person in my life, or in my children’s life so I am sticking to my guns. If she can prove that she has done alot of self reflection and alot of work on herself then I may be open to a decent adult conversation (tentatively) but no signs as of yet.

I so strongly disagree with absolutely everything you say here.
Are you actually saying that victims of abuse need to keep subjecting themselves to abuse, because protecting themselves would be hurtful to their abuser? Really, that's the hill you're going to die on?
Of all the causes you can choose to have a strong opinion on, you're going to make victims of abuse feel bad about finally putting themseves first? You're going to choose what's best for the abuser? What an aweful and inhumane thing to say.

I don't know who brainwashed you into believing that you owe anyone your time and attention. Why? Just because you share some DNA?
How about abusers take some effing responsability and accountability for their actions and accept that when they abuse someone when they are in a vulnerable position, they have it coming when that person turns their back on them?

@Wowwee1234 once upon a time I would have agreed with you. I used to hear of DIL’s cutting their MIL’s off, cutting SIL’s out etc and yes I 100% used to judge them and think how can anyone be so cruel as to go NC with a family member? BUT that was untill I was put in the heartbreaking position to say enough is enough when it came to my SIL. She is THE cruelest of people I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. I am 100% a people pleaser and used to completely disregard my own feelings for the sake of keeping the peace and keeping everyone else comfortable, but she would pick pick pick away at my confidence, my kindness, the hostility the very obvious passive aggression until one day she escalated it to full on aggression, she spat at my DH, tore me down to shreds with her cruel words all in the name of making sure she was important and I was nothing. I do not want anyone in my life who is this unpleasant, i do not want my children to watch her behaviour and think it is acceptable to treat others poorly, i want to feel happy, safe and loved and if that means avoiding a certain person to achieve that then yes I will do it. I really did used to think like you, but until you are faced with heartbreak that forces you to do something that causes so much pain, please, please do not be so judgmental, and count yourself lucky you have not had to put up with such cruelty from anyone. And before you say “you should both work on it” yes your right, we should, but you would be preaching to the wrong person. I tried time and time again with her, there is only so much a good person can take. You wouldn’t go back to pet a dog who just bit you, you would learn your lesson and keep a distance!

Take no notice love x making an innocent person out to be cruel just because they refuse to entertain any more ill treatment is not great really @Wowwee1234