Why am I like this ?

[Mancity08]

So we’re both retired late 60’s
Ive always been the one to do things round the house like, windows, shower cubicle, toilet & floor, dust, wipe down ,
outside cleans path, weeding etc
He never thinks these things need doing !
He will do, bins , hoover, kitchen dishes, clothes wash.
will go to shop around 29am expecting me to know what’s wanted, but won’t do full shop at once just goes everyday.

so here’s the main problem
He goes shop in morning , comes back has his lunch and then ask do I want to go anywhere
if I say no , he will go out himself for a coffee mainly then comes back later and sits on his phone
He never ever thinks things need doing around the house and outside
so I end up doing them because basically I can’t stand to see them get bad ( keep on top, less time when built up)

How come I can see things , yet he’s oblivious to dirt etc . A man thing ?
I have chats with myself and just say do it yourself
then whilst doing it get angry inside and think
why is it only I do it can see it , if I speak to him about it he gets in the defensive side and will say
oh and I do nothing , he must know things havnt been cleaned he’s not blind .

Do men not know floors need mopping, toilets need cleaning, bedding needs washing etc ?

How do I stop winding myself up about this ?
it’s making me feel like jekel & Hyde mood wise
anyone ??

Well it's bonkers you've got this far through your life without saying that you're going to clean the bathroom, can he do the kitchen? I don't see any issues with him going for a coffee if you don't have plans.

The issue isn’t me doing the bathroom I always do it
it’s him never thinking it /anything needs doing

it’s not we’ve not got anything planned it’s him not thinking things like instead of going fir a coffee somedays
those weeds on the path need getting up or any other job in the house/garden
basically me telling him what needs doing rather than not thinking for himself
Its like I treat him like a child and I’m the mother
having to tell/ask him

I don’t understand what this has to do with my scenario ?

It's spam

Report and ignore

It doesn’t OP- have reported.
I do think you just need to tell him all of this. Explain you’d prefer to do jobs together in the morning then you can both do something later.

It's a spammer. I've reported them.

As for your original problem, my DH is the same. I have to ask him to do things. I've got him to start remembering to do the dishwasher and the washing machine but it's taken years and he never wipes the work surfaces, does the floors etc. I think in my DH's case it's because his mum didn't teach him about housework, let him do what he wanted while she picked up after him so it's just not ingrained in him.

Tell him what needs doing/make a rota. He's probably never going to spontaneously do it so you should stop wishing he will and getting frustrated.

This. If you expect him to magically just start doing stuff you’re in for a long wait ( seems you’ve been waiting quite a while already!). Lots of households have a default person for specific jobs, mine included. A lot of people prefer it that way. Other tasks are shared. Start small and have a conversation with him - ask him to take on an additional specific task and make it his responsibility that why there is no ambiguity.

I see jobs that need doing - but resent using prime "off work" time like Saturday afternoons doing any of them.

DW by contrast cannot relax with these jobs "hanging over" her.

We compromise and share them out, of course, but it is tricky.

If he's got away with never using his own brain to consider chores and you always picking up the slack at home to retirement age, I'm not giving much for your chances of changing the dynamic now.

This must have been festering for a very long time.

I remember reading about a couple that moved house. When they set up their new bathroom, they were installing the automatic soap dispenser and he said how good it was as it never needed refilling.

Your expectations are completely unrealistic. He doesn't have to notice the weeds, the windows or the dusting because someone else takes care of it.

I think it started when I retired first, I stupidly thought
hes at work all day, I’ll do them for something to do some days

Now his retirement is him thinking I can do what I want now
its took with his hobbies , tennis & motorbikes
and when he’s not going he’s watching or strolling the forums on his phone for hours

I just wish I could either just do it without getting wound up about him sitting on his arse and not even given things a thought and watch me do it.

yes he was the only boy in his family with 9 years as an only child.

He talks about how things will change but then completely lets it go
3 times upto now he’s said we will book a weekend away !!
I just can’t keep on reminding him 🤦‍♀️
I let things pass and then every now and then (like now) I get frustrated and oissed off with him
I know I’m going round in circles but can’t help my frustration

Mine the same. He’d happily stink in the same bedsheets all year.

You're making a lot of excuses for his shitty, selfish and disrespectful behaviour. He's in his 60s and he's had decades to learn how to pull his weight.

I'm not sure how much I would do if someone was doing everything for me. I'd love someone to wash my clothes and maintain the house. He's got it very cushy.

Would he be amenable to spending some of his hobby money on a cleaner or laundry service or gardener?

Then while the frustration won't be solved, and the mental load won't be solved, at least you'll also have time off from all the chores.

I think most men have lower standards than women. They just don’t seem to care as much about it.

Mine was the same. Lazy, selfish and blind to everything. He's now wallowing in his own filth far away from me in a different house. The relief you can get from no longer being resentful or frustrated should not be minimised.

My dh will say the bed needs changing and I say - go on ahead and do it !!!

Actually my DH is pretty good in the house and does do jobs BUT when I walk in from work and he says " I did the dishes/hoovered FOR YOU - I give off at him

Every ruddy time he says I did them for you, I remind him there's 2 of us, Im not his mother - and after 35 years - its sinking in

When I want help with doing skirtings, walls, windows etc - I tell him - on such and such a day we will be doing blah blah blah - else it doesn't get done. They dont see it and do need clear and precise instruction - simple as

He does all the outside work, I do all the cooking washing and ironing - we BOTH work together on the rest - on my timetable because seriously men ime just dont see it

So YOU decide what needs doing and say - I need you Monday morning at home because I want this that or the other done and I need help

If his habit is to go to the shop along - have the list ready the night before. I get the shopping now but before I could drive, Id tell him what day and when we were going - obviously not totally dictating but saying these are the times that suit me - when suits you

Speak up - he's your husband

OP why don't you force the issue a bit.

Yes, I'd love to go for a coffee. First let's do x/y jobs each so it'll be quicker and then we can go, which will you do, I'll do ...
Oh we're done don't fancy a coffee you go and enjoy and I'll just chill and enjoy my clean house

Or a rota chart and decide what you both will do and stick to it and bluntly say, you've got free time now I expect you to muck in so it's not all on me out of these what will you do and face it head on.

Nothing will change if you don't force a change.

Being of a similar generation (I’m about 10 years younger), I hear you. Unfortunately as it’s come this far, you’re going to have to spell it out for him until it becomes ‘his’ job and he just does it. I’d think about what needs doing in the house, decide what you want him to do then say, can you mop the floor whilst I clean the bathroom etc. He’s not going to change over night and he’s not going to suddenly start doing jobs - you’re going to have to drive this

Same here, ask hubby to clean bathroom. He'll do just that. Doesn't empty bin, clean windowledges, wipe splashes off radiator or change towels.. need to be specific. Annoys the life out of me too by the way!!!

If there's two of you in the house, how much mess do you really make?
He goes shopping, bins, hoovering, washes, cleans the dishes - he probably assumes that he doing his share (rightly or wrongly).
Have a board in the kitchen with things you need from the shop - so he's got a reference point- or have a shared list on your phones.
Similarly have a weekly list of chores on your phones - you can assign them and tick them off as you go.
If you want a weekend away- just book one! Then say to him why don't you book something for X date in the future.

You’ve answered your own question…you’ve always done it so he doesn’t think he needs to! If you want something done, just ask him. I found it less stressful than expecting him to know what needs doing and him not doing it because he doesn’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ so if weeding needs doing, ask him! If something needs cleaning, ask him…no need to get wound up about it!! Similarly I never think to check the tyres on my car as he’s always done it, or bringing in the logs or loading salt into the water softener…in 25yrs, he’s always done it! But if one day he asked me to help to do something, I would but I just naturally assume he’s doing it because he always has done…

Have you ever been on holiday and left him alone to just get on with it for at least a long weekend if not a week?