Husband feelings insignificant

[Twitwooooo]

Just that really. Last night and for the last few months my husband has said he feels insignificant and that no one wants him in the household.
We have a 3yo together with myself having 2 teenagers. The 3yo often says he wants me not him which is a phase but it severely upsets husband when this happens. I’ve tried to reiterate he is just a toddler but he still gets down about it. The last sort of year he’s had a sort of hostile relationship with the teens, oldest teen has stated if he wants respect from her then it works both ways and she wants him to reduce his drinking (he has an alcohol problem, uses it as an escape to cope). Younger teen has had some mild attitude problems lately, nothing severe just the odd answering back and some mucking around in school (I thought this was normal teenage behaviour but husband thinks it is not).
I do pretty much everything within the house, I get up with toddler every day apart from a Sunday where I get a lie in and I am eternally grateful for that one morning.
Husband cooks most nights as I am sorting toddler, ferrying teenagers around, doing housework etc. He gets impatient waiting for me to start dinner so he cracks on and I show thanks every single time. Every single time he does anything such as put some washing on, get up with toddler or put toddler to bed I express gratitude.
Last month due to how he was acting towards middle child I had enough and asked him to go get out, I literally had had enough of the same argument over and over and just said to leave. He left, didn’t say goodbye or that he was going anywhere so I locked the door behind him. I had assumed he’d gone to the pub to deal with it the way he always does and he had however, pub was closed. He came back but I’d locked the door as I hadn’t wanted him to come in in a state and wanted him to think about the situation.
He’s always said to me when he’s struggling with his mental health to leave him ride it out, I do, I allow him all of the space. Last night he told me he doesn’t want space he wants me to help him through it. I’ve asked how but he doesn’t know.
I work with people with MH problems in crisis daily but somehow being this close I am unable to figure out how to help or get through this. I’ve suggested counselling but he said he wants me to help him through it and I don’t know where to start.
If anyone has any suggestions on how to make him feel less insignificant it would be a great help.

It's hard to tell from your post if his feeling he is being disrespected by the older kids is justified or not. If you effectively threw him out it's only going to worsen his feeling that he is bringing everyone down.

Other then that I don't see how you are being unreasonable. The drinking seems like an issue. Could it be that it is affecting his mood long term?

He's being silly about the toddler. If he wants a good relationship with them then he needs to work on it. Be the 'fun' parent but I can't imagine if he has this simmering resentment that he's particularly entertaining to a 3 year old. Maybe he should get up to care for the child more then once a week!

He has an alcohol problem. This is what needs to be dealt with.

You can’t deal with his alcohol addiction for him, he has to do that himself. With limited information, it sounds like your eldest has the measure of him tbh.

how often is he grateful for the things you do?

The way to help him is to book him an appointment at the GP to discuss his alcohol problem. It’s not healthy for any of you living with someone who has an alcohol problem, but for impressionable teens, it’s especially problematic. Do you want to continue this relationship? Not enough info re the teens and who is right or wrong, but I lived that situation 20yrs ago, and wished i’d ended the relationship a couple of years prior. Thankfully my relationship with Ds1 is good, but I still feel guilt daily I didn’t end it sooner. It’s a horrible way to live, when there’s people in the house who don’t get on.

He wants you to help him through but what’s he doing to help himself?

Why are you making your children live with someone with an alcohol problem. Have you seen the stats on what happens with children who live with an alcoholic?

You can't solve his emotional problems for him, either. You're not his shrink, you're his partner.

If he's struggling with low mood, he needs to go down the GP and get some help there. He could also look at counselling and therapy. If you work with people with MH problems, you know better than me what help is available.

Of course alcohol will make his low moods worse, so .. is he willing to treat it as an issue?

You could suggest joint counselling to tackle the dynamics between you.

Thia isn't on you alone to help him and it's really selfish of him to refuse counselling and put it all on you. He needs to go to the gp and counselling about his alcohol problem.

I lived with a mopey alcoholic and it was never his fault, never the right time to speak with someone. It's so draining and there's only so much I could tolerate it. He was never going to stop and I needed to our child first so we left him.

Teen DCs are yours, not his?

Why are you choosing a man with an alcohol and other problems over them? It’s not in their or DC3’s best interests to live with someone with an alcohol problem.

Is he asking for you to go to counselling with him to hold his hand to sort out his own issues or couples counselling to sort out marriage issues?

this feels very much like a him problem- and
I agree with PP that issues with alcohol need addressing and whatever his underlying drive to drink is (depression?) - I would expect him to show me the willingness to work on this first, but might consider a little hand holding in the first instance to get him through the door if you felt that was the way to go- I would want him to do these work on himself first before I went a long though.

if he doesn’t want to feel insignificant then he has to make an effort to be significant and change his thinking. I’m not sure how you can make him feel significant unless he’s wanting you all to lay garlands at his feet and tell him how amazing he is when he clearly is not.

The alcohol problem jumped out at me. Alcohol can lead to feelings of paranoia, it makes people selfish, unpredictable, moody, dishonest.

None of that is good for children - of any age - to have to live with.

While he has an alcohol problem there will be issues within the family. I would listen to your children, and think about what's best for them.

Thanks for all the comments and advice.
Yes the teens are mine but he has been with us for 8 years, since middle teen was 6 and elder teen 8. He’s been more part of their lives than their father ever has been. It’s easy to say why have I allowed the children to live in this situation for so long when you’re not in the situation yourself.
I appreciate all the advice and I am going to have a talk with him today about his drinking and how to start working on his mental health he needs to tackle the drinking first. I’ve asked him since I was pregnant with 3yo to cut down the drinking and he does for a few days maybe a week or two then he falls back into his ways. I think reading the comments it’s made me put into perspective how demeaning his drinking has made me feel. I have no idea how to broach the topic though as last night (while he was drunk) he said I turn everything around and make it about me. I do not feel I do that but surely in this situation it needs to be about all of us not just him. I’m worried he’s going to turn it around for me making it about myself. It’s getting to a point where I feel as if he’s trying to control my thoughts and feeling, I can see it happening but it’s so difficult to navigate.
I’m happy to go sober with him to show support, I barely drink anyway and can take or leave it.
Due to previous abusive married I seriously struggle discussing serious conversations when it’s relating to myself or my loved ones.

Don’t sacrifice yourself for this man. I helped my ex then he ruined my life when we divorced n pretended it was me who drank a bottle of wine a night! Put yourself first or he will take advantage.

Sorry to hear you’ve had to navigate an abusive relationship before. I was going to suggest from the outside it looks as though he has realised that you have the power to chuck him out now and therefore he’s trying to do anything to stop that from happening including emotional blackmail of making you stay with him by saying he wants you to go to counselling with him- I thought that sounded quite controlling…

in some ways maybe you should own it and make it clear it is about you As his behaviour is negatively affecting you and the kids, and you will no longer put up with it.

he really needs to take responsibility here for his behaviour feature than blame you and get himself out of the pit he is in. Make it clear you will be there for him along the way but he needs to do the work.

The 3cs of alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Remember those!!!. This man's primary relationship is with drink, not you and it's never been with you either.

Talking to an alcoholic about his drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. It will be a complete and utter waste of time and besides which this man is not one of your clients, nor should he be seen as such. Alcohol is a depressant and this man is likely to be self medicating his MH accordingly.

You cannot rescue and or save him here; he has to want to do that of his own volition and fact is he does not want to. He wants you to do this for him and that is a bad sign. You are doing the usual roles associated with such spouses too; those of codependent enabler and provoker (because you never forget). This is NO legacy to be leaving your children and they are far more aware than you care to realise. Listen properly to your children, hear what they are saying.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?. Now what sort of an example are you both showing these children here, particularly the eldest ones?.

You've gone from one abusive type to another; your ex was physically abusive and now this man has an alcohol dependency (he's abusing alcohol). Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this man now.

Get him out of your day to day life completely and do not enter into any joint counselling with him. Am sorry to write that but it's your best course of action now. It's not your job either to help your alcoholic feel less insignificant either. Help your own self instead by contacting Al-anon and attending their meetings, at the very least read their literature. Look also at getting legal advice re separation and divorce. Your kids will thank you. They will not thank you for keeping your alcoholic spouse around for your own reasons.

The fact you are on the Internet looking for ways to fix his problem which he created is probably symptomatic on his behaviour and your relationship dynamic in general.

As hard as it is - you cannot fix his relationshis. Only he can and he needs to want to change. His children and clearly articulating what they need.

But actually he doesnt want to do the hard yards and long term work to fix his own problem. He wants to feel sorry for himself and have you fix it while he continues to drink and options out of family life and his responsibilities.

Enabling him only gives you a false sense of control and helps no-one here; least of all him. All you're doing now here is propping him up; when he left you assumed he had gone to the pub again.

He is harming you all emotionally so he needs to be out of your day to day lives.

It doesn’t matter how long he’s been in your DCs’ lives, or that he has good qualities, nor that it’s difficult to break up with someone you and your DC live with - he has an alcohol problem and other problems. By prioritising him you’ve subjected your DC to things that could harm them.

You can’t make him see or address his problems, you can only take decisions for you and your DC.

I suggested counselling last night and he said he wanted me to help him that’s why he’s coming to me. I said I have no clue how to help him. I hate having conversations when he’s been drinking as it’s just a pointless exercise having serious conversations when drink is involved.
I’d like to say the teens aren’t bad kids at all, younger teen is such a kind hearted good kid who’s a bit dramatic on occasion like all teens are. Older teen is also a good kid, granted she’s in a group of friends that vape and drink, not to a ridiculous degree and no more than we all did at 16, she’s got a straight head on her when it comes to school etc. Teens are hard work regardless and given some of the stories or MN posts I read they are angelic in comparison. He was a very quiet teen and he’s very introverted so I feel he hasn’t had the experience of what average teens are like. I used to work in youth offending and our teens are amazing especially given the relationship they’ve had with their father.
I’m going to make myself have the hard conversation today, I’m going to spell out the primary problem which is the drinking and explain it’s impacting everyone not just his mental health. I’m going to spell out that he needs to help himself before anything else can change or be improved. As stupid as it sounds, I do love him and I want to be there through it all for him.
He’s got stress outside the children such as he’s working on his degree while working in a new management roll. He started drinking to cope when his brother passed suddenly about 12 years ago. I’ve always been there for him through every anniversary etc but for example last week was the anniversary of my Nan who raised me and I had none of the support I provide him with. I’ve been waiting for a life changing job offer the last 2 weeks and when I express how worried I am about it he just says ‘ok’ which diminishes my feelings but I’m expected to wait on his feelings constantly. It’s such a difficult situation to navigate and I feel like a failure as I navigate these situations daily through work but in your own life it’s harder to have a non biased approached as it mentally drains me our whole life mentally drains me.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Do you love him or are you confusing that with being codependent?. Read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour around him. Your boundaries here have been skewed by previous abuse and are further being messed with by this man now.

Your teens are fine and will further thrive if this man is out of their day to day lives. Your home will become a lot more peaceful and you'll be staring at far less empties in the recycling bin.

Do not have that conversation you plan on having with him. He will throw it all back at you and or go out and start drinking again.

It is not your job to help him. That is enabling and that only gives you a false sense of control. He cannot expect you to do the donkey work in counselling sessions for him; the fact he wants to suggests to me he is not willing to want to himself start to address his drink problem. And when your attempts fail he will blame you and restart drinking. The will to change has to come from him and he alone.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism; he could well go onto lose everything around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

I am sorry to read that his brother died but there are better ways of dealing with bereavement other than hitting the bottle as he has done. He doing that led to him developing an unhealthy alcohol dependency. Alcohol is also a depressant and he's likely been self medicating all his issues since childhood for at least that length of time.

A lot of people have stressful lives and jobs and they do not all misuse alcohol like this man does. Stop making such excuses for him because they do not wash.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Make good choices with you and they in mind, not your alcoholic.

I suggested counselling last night and he said he wanted me to help him that’s why he’s coming to me.

This is such an unfair and unreasonable demand on you and the relationship. You're not his therapist and relationships aren't the cure for MH issues (or alcoholism).

It's emotional blackmail and essentially asking you to take responsibility for his mental health and wellbeing.

While you can be supportive, he has to do the work.

I think you need to take a strong line that he seeks external professional help.

And he will probably want you to do the work in relation to getting help. This is not a man who is wanting to address his drink problem. He wants you to do it for him and that is a bad sign.

The only person you can help here OP is you (and in turn your kids). You can and should contact Al-anon and go to their meetings, at the very least read their literature.

You have a choice re this man and they do not.

I wonder what you helping him looks like in his eyes. Everything being about him, he’s needs and his feelings and you treading on ever sharper eggshells I’d bet.

Great, you're subjecting your older children to a man with an alcohol problem and brought another, shared child into the mix. Nice work.

Urgh wash this one away. He's a drunk.

Try protecting your children rather than wondering what can be done about your relationship. Who cares about that. It's not just about you. Your kids are screaming at you that they don't want a drunk in the house and what do you keep coming back with? How do I help my husband.

Newsflash, you can't he's an addict. He needs to fix himself. Tell him to do one until he can prove he's 6 months sober and then you'll see about working on things.