Why do I get "bored" in every relationship I get into?

[Destinedforcats]

Every relationship I've ever had has gone the same way. I meet somebody I think is great, fall in love with them (or so i think) and then I become bored and want to move on. Every time.

I've had two main longterm relationships but despite staying in them for years, I had emotionally checked out by the 18 months - 2 years mark and only stayed because I felt I had no choice (the first one was domestic violence, the second one was because we had children)

Other relationships barely last 6 months before I'm out the door.

I look at couples like my DB and SIL who've been together 15+ years and are blissfully happy, how time has only strengthened their feelings for one another and I think to myself.. I'm incapable of that type of love.

It never feels that way when I meet somebody as I'm always 100% invested if we click, so happy and excited, the feeling just never lasts.

Annoyingly, somebody can only hold my attention if they are a bit hot and cold themselves.

Am I what they call an "avoidant"?

Therapy

100%

You need to dig deep to find the answer.

There could be lots of reasons. Did you have anything in common with these men? Were they on the same level? Did they make you laugh? Did you have sexual chemistry?

If not, I'd reflect on why you were with them in the first place.

I used to think this about myself and then I got a girlfriend and realised I just wasn’t that into guys 🤷‍♀️

Are you choosing the right people?

You love the falling in love phase, once it wanes you leave.

I feel the same. I can’t get my head around how people can still feel in love after more than 2-3 years together, or want to sleep with each other. For me familiarity almost always leads to contempt. It’s the worst thing about me.

People will tell you that you need therapy but I’m not sure it’s something you can really change. I know why I’m avoidant and have done work on the things that made me this way but if anything I’ve got worse. You can’t make yourself stay in love with someone or want to keep sleeping with them.

This is why I have a cat.

Thank you for the replies and for giving me a space to think out loud!

I've gone for different things in different men really. I don't have any one particular type. Maybe that's part of the problem and I don't know what exactly it is I'm looking for?

Thinking back through my relationships I liked them all for different reasons. Some I had lots in common with and others not so much. Sexual chemistry was present in most of them to begin with but that inevitably waned over time too.

I have wondered about my sexuality at times but after delving into it realised I am mildly curious but very much attracted to men.

FatCat you have expressed my own thoughts perfectly. That is exactly how I feel. Good shout on the cat, I'm considering the same 😂

I'm having therapy at the moment for a whole bunch of old stuff and will probably bring all of this up to my therapist once we've worked through the current issue.

It’s really self-aware of you to notice this pattern — that’s a big first step. What you’re describing does sound like it could be linked to avoidant attachment, especially if emotional closeness starts to feel suffocating or boring once the novelty wears off.

Being drawn to people who are hot and cold might also reflect a craving for emotional intensity over stability — something that often ties back to early relationship experiences or unmet needs.

You’re not broken or incapable of love — but long-term connection often requires a shift from the thrill of early passion to the deeper, quieter work of emotional intimacy. It might be worth exploring this with a therapist, especially someone who works with attachment styles. There’s real hope for change once you understand the “why” behind your patterns.

What about other friendships? Do you have friends who you have been close to since primary school? Or do you friends come & go too?

This is incredibly helpful thank you!

Craving emotional intensity over stability is very accurate in my case. I wish it wasn't that way but it is.

I've walked away from healthy relationships because the novelty has worn off and I'm bored, then gone after men who were walking red flags (they too meet the same fate eventually, unfortunately for them - fortunately for me!) although those ones do tend to last longer.

I'm definitely going to delve into it all more deeply. I feel like I'm missing out on something ill never have and it's a shame.

Great question.

My friendships are quite superficial. I'm in touch with a small number of childhood friends but don't tend to keep up with many of them all that regularly.. and I've moved across the country.

I'm going abroad with one in a few weeks and looking forward to that, but it's the first time something like this has ever been planned (and it was her that invited me, which was nice but it would have never occurred to me to do the same)

I have one 'mum friend' locally who I see every now and then for play dates but as above if it wasn't for her inviting me out I probably wouldn't initiate anything.

I have ADHD and think of myself as a bit of an introvert if that's at all relevant.

Why would you think there's anything wrong with you?

There's nothing that says people all have to fall in love and stay in love. Some evendence on the subject of the 7 year itch perhaps. Maybe for you it's 18 months.

Maybe you haven't met the right person either.

The problem is the idea that there's a 'normal'. There's a 'The norm in each society' but that's about it.

You want what you want. So long as you are getting out of things as soon as they stop working for you, it's fine.

you say you have adhd. I imagine thats a part of it. seeking dopamine in high intensity relationships then getting bored when it wears off.

I have adhd and feel exactly the same. I've had 2 long term relationships and both went exactly the first way after 2 years. I just lost interest and couldn't bring myself to want sex anymore.

Has it almost become a self fulfilling prophecy?

You think it will only last 18m before it starts due to your history of this?

j so sympathise though. I feel stifled in relationships and the long term ones particularly lead to boredom on my part.

Woah, jumping in here but that also describes me and was very interesting to read. I’m the same @Destinedforcats always have bern and early into a new relationship and can see it happening again you’re not alone.

I also have ADHD!

It sticks out to me that you say your DB and SIL are ‘blissfully’ in love after many years. It’s very unlikely that they are. Most people aren’t after a few years. And that is actually fine and normal, even desirable. It’s unsettling and distracting to feel intense emotions for anybody or anything for a long period. After a few years it’s ideal to feel very happy with someone in a content kind of way.

It seems you have a belief about love that’s not realistic and not helpful to you. You need to work on that in therapy.

Or maybe you're stuck in a loop of thinking you 'need' to be in a relationship when actually, you're perfectly self-sufficient on your own?

Pair-bonding for life is more of a cultural / social norm than a necessity, imo. Not to say that it doesn't work well for some people but these days more and more women are finding that long-term relationships with a man don't actually offer them much beyond the first flush of attraction / lust.

I'm a bit suspicious of therapy-speak and labelling like 'avoidant' when maybe you just know, deep down, that being single is a healthier, more fulfilling option for you!

I picked terrible choices when I met irl. I met dh (22 years and counting) online. It wasn’t a dating app- just a shared interest and he eventually convinced me to meet offline. I would absolutely have overlooked him if we met in real life, or sabotaged it before we got anywhere.

Looking back, I think I was unconsciously raising a shield around men who might have been good matches and letting people that wouldn’t touch my heart get closer. I had reasons for being inherently distrustful of men and I kept proving to myself over and over that I didn’t need a man and they were all a bit useless.

Dh got under my defences because when we met up, there was already some friendship, liking and respect. I wasn’t looking for romance (he was), just taking a friendship offline.

I thought I had been in love before, but the strength of what I started feeling for dh absolutely floored me. I love the bones of him.

Maybe therapy would have helped - I don’t know. Maybe focusing on building friendships instead of relationships would have helped. I don’t know.

I’m also going to add that I have adhd so getting over invested in something and then irredeemably bored is par for the course. I think I if I hadn’t met dh, and continued my pattern I’d be putting it all down to that.

Not sure if sharing my story helps any, but it might resonate a bit?

I have adhd and have this exact issue op. I am now in a 2. 5 year relationship and having to work really hard to keep myself present and interested and make the effort with my partner to avoid the same pattern happening. The thing is, I do feel love, and I love being comfortable with someone, but I crave the newness and exciting stage of a relationship and I do get bored and frustrated. I also don't want to be in a string of flings my whole life, I want to settle down and be happy with someone so I'm just trying to work on it

I’m the same and recently discovered, through therapy, that I have an avoidant attachment personality.

I am working on this but it’s not easy.

ADHD could be the cause. The sudden lack of interest I have in hobbies etc. They start off amazing then almost always end up half finished and I’ve moved on. I think it’s the dopemine seeking. I wonder if this can be meditated? But also we are what we are and working against who we are caused shame.

Maybe you have an unrealistic expectation of relationships, that you expect the initial attraction to carry on forever. Older relationships are about other things- a knowledge of shared experiences, a safe place for your children to develop, shared resources etc -I mean it's unrealistic to expect the initial exitement to last, I think it is very rare.