Split of child stuff/chores in long marriage

[Questions223]

I need some thoughts on the split of task in our house if that's ok? I am feeling resentful and taken for granted but he very much does not see my point of view and thinks I have it easy. This is obviously my take on things. He might say differently but this is how it looks to me.

I am solely responsible for all bills, having them in my name, paying them, knowing how much they are, when they come out, what we owe etc. he gives me money when he has it which is not often. if things are tight I sell stuff or borrow and deal with it.
He cooks most meals for the kids as I have issues around food. But I am not included in most of the meal plans. He would say I don't want to be. Unless I pressure they only get fed when he is hungry, so if he has a big lunch out no one would get dinner without me mentioning it.
I do all life admin, all kids school stuff, all parents eves, all parties, all presents etc.
I work long full time hours and my job funds our lifestyle. He is self employed and often finishes at 3 (while we are all out) comes home and plays computer games. But if I ask him to have a day off as a child is unwell I am putting pressure on him with work being unfair, if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid etc.
he has multiple solo holidays a year, as well as weekends out and time to himself. I have not had child and him free time since they were born.
he does do a lot of work in the garden. Mows lawns etc.
washing and tidying and cleaning is on me.
he does discipline kids but is quite lazy with it. As an eg Child (9) was kicking off about not wanting sun cream on while on holiday (30+ degrees) and after arguing simply said fine if you don't want it your mother can deal with you. Similarly makes lots of unsustainable threats - no screen time at all for extended periods, no dinner and then doesn't follow through. Shouts to get his point across.
they have way too much screen time when he is in charge. Can be 5+ hours playing on iPads. I suggest going out somewhere every day but he is not keen at all and won't unless I really push it.
when 3 yr old wets puts him straight back into a nappy rather than persevering even though he is toilet trained and can do it just a bit lazy forgetful sometimes.
only does their teeth, brushes hair with me reminding.
does enjoy spending time with them. Will play with them, plant sunflowers - general dad stuff.

So does this sound reasonable? I am physically and mentally drained. We do have other stuff going on but wanted thoughts on this.

Sounds to me as though you would cope perfectly well without him albeit with the assistance of a gardener as required. However as @wizzywig said that you’ll probably get no CMS so maybe check what you’ll be entitled to before making any decisions about your future to ensure you’ll be financially as stable as you can be.

Also once you’re thriving the environment for your children will be one where they can thrive and you’ll be a great role model for them.

Whose house do you live in, his, yours or is it in joint names? If it's just yours then tell him to go back to his mum's. You realise you could probably get someone to cook for you for less money than you're spending to keep him?
Are your kids at school, any of them, or are they homeschooled?

I won't be entitled to anything. But that's ok

Joint house. We are married.

kids are at school currently but are being homeschooled from September

@Questions223 hmm have you checked though that you wouldn’t be entitled to anything as a solo parent?
Would you qualify for funded nursery places?

Also who will be home schooling your children from September? Of course it’s entirely your choice if that’s best for your children but they may have some more routine at mainstream school?

It's the current plan. They are homeschooled and we go travelling.

Sorry will be homeschooled. I won't work. He will pick up odd jobs. Europe. Camper van. Etc.

Please do NOT do this. Plan your escape. Seek help. You are in an abusive relationship. You are a smart and lucid woman, able to see things as they are. He messed with your head, knowing where you came from. Nobody who hasn't experienced an upbringing like your can understand how strong you really are. You've got it in you, but he doesn't want you to see it. You are centered in the day to day life of your 5 children because you love them and want to protect them, not because you are a mug or any other insult stupid people throw at you. You know how strong you are. You know how hard you've had it and you know you've overcome many things.
You don't have to do this alone: seek help. There are people out there eager to help you. Use your experience and your intelligence to plan your escape. You can do it. You really can.

Oh my goodness, op, DO NOT do this!! Please please don’t. Your man is an abusive cunt who has isolated you from all your friends and family and you work your arse off trying to keep happy, which you never will. Do not give up your job or your precious children’s school places for his latest whim. Omg nooooo.
plesse call womens aid.

No no no OP, he's tightening his control, can you see that?

Could you bring yourself to call Women's Aid or your local domestic abuse charity? Get on a benefit calculator and see what you would be entitled to single and unemployed for a bit. If ever there was a situation where a family needs state and community support this is it! (He ain't part of the family til he acts like it, which he never will).

Come on OP, this is a crazy plan. You'll be completely isolated and relying on him for money.

You'd be far better staying in work and building up your own social network at home.

Is your loss of friends due to him either by making it awkward for you or by other means?

Is your estrangement from family because of him? Although If you come from a dysfunctional family, it makes you far more vulnerable to ending up in controlling abusive relationships.

It sounds like he's trying to isolate you & the kids even more. DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR HOME.
If he wants to prat about travelling in a van then wave him off. Do not jeopardise the kids futures for his fantasy.
Financially he's a waste of space.
He's no practical use as a father. You cope when he's away. You'll cope as a single parent. It'll be hard, but it will get easier as they get older.
Get a decent job again (one that you want & suits you). You did it before, you can do it again.
With him out of the way would you want to reconnect with family?
You sound burnt out, fed up & unappreciated. He won't change to help you. You need to help yourself & change the circumstances.

This is INSANE. You're already struggling with the lack of support, presumably children being in school gives you a bit of a break? But now you want to add on top of that the additional time, mess, stress & hassle of home educating? How are your children going to get a decent education when you barely cope as it is?
And I am totally PRO homeschooling when its in the right circumstances, but this truly isn't it. I follow alot of home educators on SM but one thing they all have in common is an incredibly supportive spouse who picks up the baton and runs with it before and after their job outside of the house. They usually have some form of paid help too such as cleaners and are part of home Ed co-op groups. If you attempt to do this with 5 kids, on your own, with your waster husband, then you are insane.

The last thing you should do here is to go travelling with him!. You all need to stay in the UK. He likely has no right to work anywhere in Europe legally and you will be all further under his cosh of abuse and in addition with no means of returning to the UK easily. Wake up to the reality of what you are all living in.

I read your other post too. Everyone on here is going to say to leave him. He is abusive, and you need to end this and protect your DC and yourself from him.

It’s not a conversation. It’s a laying down of your boundaries. It goes something like this,

”I have something to say and I would appreciate if you just listened to me then I’ll be happy to hear any response you might have. I am not happy with our relationship, the division of labour, childcare responsibilities, debt, lack of transparency and contributions of finances. I have tried to address this multiple times and nothing has changed. This is the last time I will be raising this so I would urge you to play close attention to what I’m about to say. This stops today. I will not accept this for one more day. You are not pulling your weight and you are taking the absolute piss. I don’t care if you say this is nagging. That won’t work with me any more. Either you get your finger out of your lazy arse and start doing your fair share of the childcare and domestic work around here and start contributing to half of the bills and debt repayments by cutting out the solo trips, days out and fast food every day, or you can leave. Today. Then you’ll have to do half the childcare, pay all of your own bills and do all of your own housework and life admin on your own. I want an equal partner not a cocklodger. So either step up or you know where the door is. That’s it.”

And when he tries to argue just calmly repeat as many times as you have to,

”I’ve said what I have to say and I mean every word of it. The balls in your court now.”

That’s how you do it. And you stop doing anything for him. No cleaning up his shit, no washing his clothes, no cooking for him, shopping for him, go out and leave him with the children to do bedtime and get them to school. If he won’t do it, then he can fuck off. And yes, it might sound easier said than done, but I did it and I’m so glad I did because my ex was an abusive arsehole just like yours and he would have sucked every spark of life out of me if I’d let him. Fuck that. You only get one life. And I’ll tell you something else for nothing, it’s much, much easier on your own because a) you get time off when he has the kids, b) you don’t have to deal with his bullshit c) you’ll get child maintenance d) you won’t have a fucking millstone dangling round your neck in the form of a cocklodging asshat and e) you can finally start having some self respect.

Its funny how he has no money to pay bills and pay for his children but he can go on solo trips, days out, smoke, (which is extortionate) buy computer games and daily fast food. He’s ripping the absolute piss and making a gargantuan mug of you lady.

And you’ll be doing the kids a favour by modelling to them that you don’t let anybody treat you like shit, no matter who they are. They will still see their Dad, they just won’t be living with him so stop using the kids as an excuse and start using them a a massive reason to not accept this for one moment longer.

Was the issue with your job that you told your boss about the abuse and they got you some help and support and he then went ballistic and made you resign?

Please get away from him. Contact Women's Aid and get help from them.

You are entitled to benefits unless you have savings of over £16,000.

He knows. He does know it's desperately unfair. He wants it to be unfair so he can absorb more resources, free time, leisure etc than you. He wants to work you into the ground so he doesn't have to. He pretends it's fair to ensure you don't query it or leave. I really really wouldn't leave your home and the DC school places, that sounds madness to get more dependent on him. What would you need to happen to leave him? Can you start making small changes to work towards it?

I’m sorry but how have got gotten 5 kids deep with this loser? When he wouldn’t pay towards the first child why did you think another 4 was a good idea?
The only reasonable outcome here is for to Chuck the prick out but you keep saying you can’t so what exactly are you asking?

Don’t go along with the traveling plan. If he doesn’t make any money now, he certainly won’t make it on the road. Your kids deserve a stable home and nice things, not being dragged all over the country with no space or money. And if he’s gone for weeks at a time and still loses his temper with them, throwing them on beds and smacking them, what do you think he’ll be like cramped up with them day in and day out?

If you can’t refuse for yourself, please, please do it for your kids.

It sounds utterly, grossly unbalanced. Financially, time-wise, chore-wise, holiday-wise, free-time-wise. Ugh he sounds absolutely awful OP, I can’t understand why youre still with him! He sounds lazy, selfish, immature. Playing computer games, that alone would give me the ick.

Not quite but similar.

I don't think that's fair. I will never regret having my children and there are circumstances why people have multiple children that aren't always cut and dry as you make it sound.
leaving is similar. Everyone suggests it's the simplest thing in the world, just ltb but everyone knows it is not as simple as that emotionally or otherwise.
I have know him since I was 2. We have been on and off in a relationship since I was 18. I am now mid 40s. Eveb recognising things aren't right is a big step, and I am so torn.

I understand it’s not as easy as just leaving. But the thing is, he’s an adult.

Your children have to come first. They didn’t ask to be on this earth and they aren’t old enough to strike off on their own and make their own way. They need you to look out for them. And you surely have to know it’s not in their best interests to be pulled from their schools, crammed into a camper van, and driven all over the place at the whim of a man who can’t even hold his temper with them now, when he doesn’t even see them every day? How much can he possibly expect to make doing “odd jobs”? How will you feed these children? How will you buy them clothes or anything, or actually teach them what they’ll need to know to live a good life as grownups?

This plan of his is beyond mad. But you have to step up and put a stop to it for your children, who only have you to decide for them.

I think it's a romanticised notion of leaving the western world and obsession with materialism behind and learning life skills and seeing the world.
I am struggling at the minute and finding executive function and decision making difficult.
he isn't great at thinking about the practical stuff and I am struggling to do so at the minute.
our kids are genuinely incredibly happy and amazing and love their lives. In the right circumstances I think it would be an amazing adventure for them