Split of child stuff/chores in long marriage

[Questions223]

I need some thoughts on the split of task in our house if that's ok? I am feeling resentful and taken for granted but he very much does not see my point of view and thinks I have it easy. This is obviously my take on things. He might say differently but this is how it looks to me.

I am solely responsible for all bills, having them in my name, paying them, knowing how much they are, when they come out, what we owe etc. he gives me money when he has it which is not often. if things are tight I sell stuff or borrow and deal with it.
He cooks most meals for the kids as I have issues around food. But I am not included in most of the meal plans. He would say I don't want to be. Unless I pressure they only get fed when he is hungry, so if he has a big lunch out no one would get dinner without me mentioning it.
I do all life admin, all kids school stuff, all parents eves, all parties, all presents etc.
I work long full time hours and my job funds our lifestyle. He is self employed and often finishes at 3 (while we are all out) comes home and plays computer games. But if I ask him to have a day off as a child is unwell I am putting pressure on him with work being unfair, if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid etc.
he has multiple solo holidays a year, as well as weekends out and time to himself. I have not had child and him free time since they were born.
he does do a lot of work in the garden. Mows lawns etc.
washing and tidying and cleaning is on me.
he does discipline kids but is quite lazy with it. As an eg Child (9) was kicking off about not wanting sun cream on while on holiday (30+ degrees) and after arguing simply said fine if you don't want it your mother can deal with you. Similarly makes lots of unsustainable threats - no screen time at all for extended periods, no dinner and then doesn't follow through. Shouts to get his point across.
they have way too much screen time when he is in charge. Can be 5+ hours playing on iPads. I suggest going out somewhere every day but he is not keen at all and won't unless I really push it.
when 3 yr old wets puts him straight back into a nappy rather than persevering even though he is toilet trained and can do it just a bit lazy forgetful sometimes.
only does their teeth, brushes hair with me reminding.
does enjoy spending time with them. Will play with them, plant sunflowers - general dad stuff.

So does this sound reasonable? I am physically and mentally drained. We do have other stuff going on but wanted thoughts on this.

If you can't discuss and resolve this with him you have two options, 1. Put up with it, stop complaining and work yourself to death getting more resentful. 2. Ask him to leave and sort your life out without him. You say he doesn't really contribute financially...without him you might be entitled to some financial help. If he won't help with the children when you need him to, what is the point of him.

I don't know what he thinks I will do with my phone. But it's easier to just go along with it. If he found these threads it would make things really difficult so I am being very careful about logging out and clearing my history

Wait, what did I just read????
He keeps YOUR phone by him while he sleeps.
Wtaf. Serious abuser.
Get help.
Have u no family???

This is fair. And true.

Basically no. I am no contact with my parents - and that's not changing. And have no other support network.

Oh come off it op. This is absolutely absurd. The things that women tolerate on this site is insane. Ltb. Which you should have done years and years ago. SMH.

Im so sorry. Do you not even have any real life friends to confide in?
Id be planning my escape, although it may involve playing the long game. He isn't physically violent is he?

Are you married to him? He seems the kind that will fudge his earnings to avoid cms. Would you be worse off without him?

‘How do you have that conversation when they don't see a problem? ‘

easy. I suggest you swap roles. He pays for everything and does everything and you go on holiday.

No friends anymore no. Long and complicated back story

You are incredibly vulnerable do not let him isolated you any further. Please speak to someone in real life.
Get to some Mum and baby groups and make new friends. Speaks to professionals about escaping from him.

I know I would be coming back to an absolute mess, kids completely out of routine and be picking up the pieces but he would still not admit I have it harder.

Clearly you’re in an abusive (financial, emotional and control) relationship at this point the more you post the worse it is.
Financial struggles is the tip of the iceberg.

Then he's a complete and utter fucking cunt.
Hes got zero respect for you

Op. You HAVE to get out of this goddamn awful situation you have found yourself in. You must be utterly miserable, this isn’t a life. You can suck it up for yourself I guess, but as it stands your dds will follow as they know nothing else.

of course he knows full well that he contributes fuck all, he will be laughing inside at how you think you can’t articulate it to him. You can, just he’s a complete nasty horror.

i genuinely, truthfully don't think he sees it like this. That's part of the issue and what I can't get my head around. He genuinely cannot see an issue at all, makes me feel like I'm insane to feel like this

Just divorce him. He brings nothing to the table. He's a waste of space.

Why would he?

He has zero incentive to change or see things from your point of view. It would mean sharing his money, not having it all his way, giving up his own time and doing chores he doesn't want to do.

He's not on your team, OP. He's on the opposing team.

He doesn't see your happiness as a mutual benefit.

Ok then. Tell him to switch roles. And mean it.

Note you say "I" am struggling financially, not "we", because this is very obviously not a partnership.

I'm shocked you're still with this waster.

He probably won’t ever see it, and if he does he won’t admit it. Some people are just like that. They probably have their reasons; sometimes the only reason is that there is something wrong with them that can’t actually be fixed.

My brother has been like that for me. He minimizes my accomplishments, tried to imply that I’m “fucked up” in some way, etc etc forever. It used to bother me so much and I’d try and try to show him how wrong he was, or argue, or just stew about it, because it’s in my personality to really HATE it when people are wrong. I always feel like I have to show them or get them to admit that they’re wrong. And sometimes they do.

But in my brother’s case, it just won’t happen. He’s deeply unhappy with his own life and blames our parents for much of that, and if I had to guess, I think his issues with me are about that. If he actually admits to himself that, while of course not perfect, I’m a reasonably stable person with some accomplishments to be proud of, living a basically happy life with basically happy children in a basically happy marriage, then maybe some of his issues are his own doing. But he won’t admit that because then he’d actually have to do the work to fix them.

That’s a long rambling way to say that people have their own reasons for believing what they do, and sometimes it’s just that they’re delusional. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what delusional people think. It doesn’t matter that your partner won’t or can’t acknowledge how deeply one sided and messed up this dynamic is- it really doesn’t. I’m sure it would be healing for you if he did, but he isn’t going to. And no amount of trying to tell or show him is going to make him magically change. YOU have to change your and your children’s story yourself, and you can. He doesn’t need to be anything other than a side character in the book of your life going forward. What he thinks doesn’t matter.

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry your relationship with your brother has been strained.

i guess it does matter to me what he thinks, his is the only voice I hear other than mine and the kids.

and it really matters what they think and I would never want them to feel like I gave up on their family because of a misguided sense of unjustness on my part.

Thank you :) It honestly got a lot easier once I refused to care what he thinks. We’re in contact, but if he starts in on me (we mostly communicate via Facebook messenger), I just stop responding. I really do not care any more what he thinks of my life, because what he thinks is not true and due to his own issues.

It’s not misguided. The way you’re being treated is unjust. I’d be more worried about that, to be honest. When they’re older and they see the way things are, they’ll wonder why you put up with it. If they’re not seeing him for weeks at a time, would it really make that much of a difference if you had separate residences? They could still spend time with him and you could have some rest and time to yourself. Although something tells me he wouldn’t actually exercise one on one parenting time, because he can’t actually care for them alone.

They will never feel that you gave up on their family op. They will see that you are burnt out and exhausted because you’re doing 99% of the work load. Then, depending on what you do now, they will either go on to copy that, become men who treat women like shit, or women who get treated by men like shit, or if you leave - be role modelled to that women don’t have to be miserable just because they’re wives and mothers.

He sees it perfectly clearly. He's manipulating and gaslighting you. You need to step back and see this clearly. Read your message back as if this was your daughter describing her relationship with her husband.