DM dictating how I spend my time while she babysitting aibu?

[Lavender14]

So I currently live with my parents following a separation. I work ft and ds is in nursery 3 days a week and my parents watch him the other two days, one of which is a late shift for me meaning I'm around until mid afternoon. They never do any babysitting outside of this and I'm very conscious of not leaning on them just because we live in the same house eg. If I need to use the toilet I'll just bring ds with me. If I need additional babysitting for something I'll ask my sister maybe every few months for an hour. So the only babysitting my parents do is really to facilitate me working. However the very odd time I'll ask them to watch him starting an hour before I go to work (my start time is very flexible) so I can have a shower and get ready without him under my feet (majority of the time i shower at night when hes asleep) . I did this today and my mum got really angry and said she will never do this again for me and if they're babysitting I should be out of the house.

Personally I'm not clear on what difference it makes what I do when they're babysitting. It's agreed in advance with them, I check it suits them and can adjust my hours to fit anything they have going on. Aibu to feel that if you kindly agree to babysit you can't then dictate what the parent does with their free time?

As it stands the only down time I get when I'm not working is when ds is sleeping. Growing up we would have regularly been sent to my aunts for the day while my mum was at home and she didn't work for much of my childhood so had plenty of down time as my dad did majority of cooking/cleaning/homework etc while working ft.

And also just to say I'm really grateful that they're letting me live with them and I'm acutely aware I'm in their space and treat it accordingly. Dm refused money towards childcare so I return it in gift form with spa vouchers etc.

Im not sure they are really dictating what you do - but drawing a line between babysitting (when you are out the house and they are then needed to care for your child ) - and when you are around that they are not really then parenting for you. I understand that this must be hard for you at times needing some support or an extra pair of hands, but as you do seem to do in your post, just focus on what they are doing, and I can see you are appreciative with that, and let this one go!

How old is your child? Why do you take him with you to the loo?

this is the first time I’ve ever said this on MN… but I think your parents side of the story here would be interesting

It's a lot of work for your DP to do OP. I think if they are lovely to your Ds then you are going to have to suck this one up tbh . Good luck 🍀 🤞

I wonder if it’s their way of saying it’s become a bit much? They will cover the essentials but not extras.

can you increase nursery time?

I mean… yes and no.

your parents have taken you and your child in.

they’re looking after your child two days a week.

both of those are massive massive favours and in your shoes I would not be complaining about extra babysitting.

you are leaning on them very hard.

I get what you’re saying op. I can see their point of view too. And theirs is the only one that matters really. Obviously with what they’re already doing for you, the only thing you can do is respect their wishes. It sounds like there’s a bit of resentment building. Just for the sake of keeping the peace, I’d apologise and agree with them just to keep the peace, and keep the babysitting to working hours only

I wonder if your child acts differently with your mum when you are still in the house?

A long time ago I used to nanny part-time, and in one family the mother worked from home.

The youngest child was about 4, and was absolutely desperate to be with his mum while she was working. It was really, really hard work to distract him. I remember the mum popping out of the house to the shops, and the little boy immediately settled down very happily with me to do an activity as soon as he knew that his mum wasn't available.

Let me use my sister as an example. She ADORES her grandchildren and retired specifically because she wanted to be available to babysit as needed. That being said, she is exhausted after watching them,. She lives for her days with them, but when it is time for them to be picked up, she is ready and does complain to me if they are picked up even 10 minutes late. I know it has nothing to do with resenting her adult kids, or her grandchildren. She is just tired. I think your parents are just feeling their age and the best scenario is to stick to only what is needed for you to be out of the house.

Is your ex partner doing anything with regards to childcare? Any plans to get your own place soon? I can see your parents’ side too tbh.

If you were living on your own, you’d have to get DS ready for nursery and yourself for work without a babysitter. It’s just normal parenting. The same with only being off when the DC are sleeping. That’s the reality of parenting. So your parents don’t owe you anything and are already doing a lot. It’s nice you recognise that and thank your mum with special gifts.

However, in a multigenerational household where grandparents are babysitting regularly, I personally hypothetically wouldn’t see an issue with adding on an hour while my adult DD/their mum got ready for work. BUT it’s easy for me to say as I have no grandchildren yet. I might feel it’s all too much if it actually were my life and feel more like your mum.

Maybe they fear it is a slippery slope that as soon as you think they are on tap for on demand babysitting, you will never get your own place. So they are drawing a firm boundary of when you are not working, you are parenting. Which is the reality for all working parents.

It’s their decision really where that boundary is. I did for some years take mine to nursery and then went to the gym so I showered and got ready for work at the gym.

It's plain that your mom hates looking after children and resents demands on her time and energy.

Make an enormous effort to find somewhere else to live. It's not great for your child to be in the company of someone who doesn't care enough for him to spe d time with him.

You didn't ask for too much - taking care of a child to allow you to have a shower and get ready for work is basic kindness and if it were me I'd have offered; you wouldn't have had to ask.

She's not dictating what you can do while she's babysitting - she's telling you very clearly that she hates taking care of your child, so you need to rethink the three days at nursery arrangement. Could he go to nursery five days a week? Could you find a CM instead of nursery or your mother?

Find a place of your own though. Some mothers really resent demands on their time and energy from adult children (and yours even resented demands when you were a child).

They’re not babysitting when your at home, they’re parenting in place of you.

If you lived alone you’d have to shower and get ready for work whilst parenting DS.

I’d like to hear their side of this, I’d bet they are doing quite a lot of looking after your child, 10 minutes here whilst you scroll your phone, 15 minutes there while you have a coffee, and you don’t even realise or acknowledge it.

Ultimately there’s a very simple solution if you’re not happy - move out.

Where is the child’s father in all of this?

I suspect that your mum thinks you need to manage to do things like shower and use the loo when your son is around, like any other parent does.

How old is your child? Why do you need to take him into the loo with you?

I think if you are asking them in advance to set aside an hour that they have to put on the calendar and commit to, that’s quite a big ask just so you can get ready for work. If they happened to be around and you said ‘Would you mind just watching him for 10 minutes while I quickly jump in the shower?’ that would be pretty normal but ‘Can you be available to babysit between 8am and 10am on Tuesday 24th?’, so they put it in their diary and might have to turn down other things for it, feels a bit like taking the piss just to get ready for work.

I'm on the OP's side here. It sounds like she's bending over backwards not to take her mum for granted, in things like taking her son to the loo with her (which sounds over the top to me, but I totally see why she's doing it).
And yes, it's all very well saying that parents on their own would just have to get on with showering etc with the kid around, but for her mum to get angry about doing it when she's in the house anyway just seems a bit petty and spiteful to me.

If you ask them to babysit then you should be doing something necessary not just lounging about or just getting ready to go out. You live with them and they already babysit two days. They sound as if they could be a bit fed up with this arrangement.

Let me get this straight - they won't even watch him for a few minutes while you go to the toilet or have a shower?

Jeez.

Sounds like there’s an element of biting the hand that feeds you here. Since you need your parents (for a roof over your head and childcare 2 days a week), I wouldn’t be keen to start a fight with them about anything, in your shoes. Suck it up.

I do t think you’re being unreasonable at all here. To be it sounds like your mum has overreacted which is a sign of resentment of the situation.

do you pay any rent? Maybe they’re a bit fed up of the situation and this is how it’s coming out.

I've offered to put him in full time or add another day, this is their preference and she asked for 2 days. I've intentionally set it up for the days I'm on late shifts so he's in bed asleep for most of the time they have him and they have the majority of the day to themselves before they need to take him.

To be honest they can be a bit difficult and undermining of my parenting at times so my preference would be to have him in nursery full time but I know they'd take that as an insult to change it now and I also want to facilitate a good relationship between ds and his gp. Once I get a mortgage approved my plan is to increase his days or apply for pre pre.

@alcoholnightmare I take him with me because he's too little to be left unattended (nearly 2.5) and I'm very conscious that I don't want it to ever feel like I'm burdening them. Tbh my mum has always seemed to want to be the type of granny who appeared, showered him with gifts and then leaves again without having to do anything with ds before my marriage broke down. Which was totally fine with me- if that's how she feels its how she feels and my circumstances changing aren't her issue.

However, I moved back home away from the support network I had because of her persistence that if I did she really wanted to babysit and help with childcare and it would give me some time to myself etc but since we moved back I'm feeling a bit like she only wanted to have babysitting days because that's what her friends all do for their kids and she wants to be seen by them as a fun involved granny but in reality she very clearly begrudges it. I don't think she actually wants the time with ds. So I make sure I'm fully responsible for him the rest of the time and can't be accused of passing over my responsibilities as a parent just because I'm living with them. Also because she is critical and undermines me a lot so I don't want to give her any ammunition. She asks to watch my sisters kids but then goes out and passes responsibility on to me to watch them and complains to me about her having to do it so I just am aware of what she's like.

I know logically I just need to suck it up and keep saving to move but sometimes it just builds up and I get frustrated and I guess need to vent or check if I'm being unfair because I know I can't say anything to them.

@viviennemary "If you ask them to babysit then you should be doing something necessary not just lounging about or just getting ready to go out"

If you babysit for someone how do you know what they're doing though? Would this apply if we didn't live together? Essential that means lone parents can only ever have babysitting support to work or be productive in some way rather than just because they're exhausted and need to rest. My in laws would have asked to babysat for us a couple of times a week just because they wanted to see ds not because we were doing something. They now live too far away to help in any way so I take ds to see them every few weeks.

"If they happened to be around and you said ‘Would you mind just watching him for 10 minutes while I quickly jump in the shower?" If I ask like this it is made very clear it's an imposition even if my mum or dad are just sitting watching TV and ds is just going to play with his toys quietly. So I am planning it in advance. And I think the last time I did this was maybe two months ago, it's by no means a regular thing. It's usually when I'm really exhausted and want to be able to shower before work so I can go to bed earlier the night before. I make all appointments etc during ds nursery time. I have no friends here so I have no social life. I used to go to the gym for an hour when ds was asleep but I stopped asking them to do that a few months ago and tbh I was only really going to stop them going on about my weight and my diet. So it's extremely rare that I ask for any babysitting outside of my working hours.

Having someone house an adult and their kid and provide free childcare for 2 days a week is asking a lot.

They aren't the actions of a woman who 'clearly hates taking care of the child', how could they be?

Read the last bit of the OP where Lavender14 describes her mum packing her off to an aunt's regularly even though she didn't work and therefore could have spent all her time with her own child/ren.

Some women find children hard work. Some are demand avoidant. Some are able to find another person to palm their children off onto, which is what the OP's mother apparently used to do. She could dish it back then but she won't take it now.

You could say 'good for her for knowing her limitations', and maybe that's a valid angle. You could also say 'don't offer something if you know you're probably going to end up resenting it', and maybe Lavender needs to have a heart to heart with her mother so they can share expectations and frustrations openly and respectfully.

My own pov here is that give and take are extremely important in family relationships. I get a strong impression that the mother isn't a give and take kind of woman; she's more of a cut and dried person. It's not something I personally would aspire to be.

@mathanxiety providing housing and free childcare two days a week is a huge ask of anyone, the mother is doing OP a massive favour not many people would even consider doing.

Asking to keep a eye on him while you go to the loo or have a shower isn't what I would call "babysitting".
That's very odd of your parents to call it that.

You'll have to suck it up while you're so dependent on them