DM dictating how I spend my time while she babysitting aibu?

[Lavender14]

So I currently live with my parents following a separation. I work ft and ds is in nursery 3 days a week and my parents watch him the other two days, one of which is a late shift for me meaning I'm around until mid afternoon. They never do any babysitting outside of this and I'm very conscious of not leaning on them just because we live in the same house eg. If I need to use the toilet I'll just bring ds with me. If I need additional babysitting for something I'll ask my sister maybe every few months for an hour. So the only babysitting my parents do is really to facilitate me working. However the very odd time I'll ask them to watch him starting an hour before I go to work (my start time is very flexible) so I can have a shower and get ready without him under my feet (majority of the time i shower at night when hes asleep) . I did this today and my mum got really angry and said she will never do this again for me and if they're babysitting I should be out of the house.

Personally I'm not clear on what difference it makes what I do when they're babysitting. It's agreed in advance with them, I check it suits them and can adjust my hours to fit anything they have going on. Aibu to feel that if you kindly agree to babysit you can't then dictate what the parent does with their free time?

As it stands the only down time I get when I'm not working is when ds is sleeping. Growing up we would have regularly been sent to my aunts for the day while my mum was at home and she didn't work for much of my childhood so had plenty of down time as my dad did majority of cooking/cleaning/homework etc while working ft.

I think what she means is that it’s getting to much for her.
think you need to look at moving out.

Even if the OP put her son in nursery full time so they don't have to do any childcare, asking to keep an eye their grandson while she goes for a wee is hardly a major ask.

Relying on family for childcare is such a double edged sword. I did it - and it was great in many respects but I had similar issues of not having any control over what went on when I was absent, and so on. And I paid my mum market rate too! Once I’d started, it felt impossible to stop without a major falling out. In the end I moved away (for different reasons) and found it much easier having professional childcare.

Sounds like this is just a transitional period for you so I would bite my tongue, focus on plans to move out, and then let GPs have the option of childcare on the occasional weekend or school holiday day when hopefully if they let you down, it’s not such a disaster - but they also get to remain involved (on their terms).

Free childcare and a roof over your head. That's a lot of giving. Be interested to hear the other side of the story.

"If they happened to be around and you said ‘Would you mind just watching him for 10 minutes while I quickly jump in the shower?" If I ask like this it is made very clear it's an imposition even if my mum or dad are just sitting watching TV and ds is just going to play with his toys quietly. So I am planning it in advance. And I think the last time I did this was maybe two months ago, it's by no means a regular thing. It's usually when I'm really exhausted and want to be able to shower before work so I can go to bed earlier the night before. I make all appointments etc during ds nursery time. I have no friends here so I have no social life. I used to go to the gym for an hour when ds was asleep but I stopped asking them to do that a few months ago and tbh I was only really going to stop them going on about my weight and my diet.

From this, they sound even more unpleasant than I thought.

I think if you ever move out you will realise you've been unfair. Do nurseries offer these benefits? What do you do with your annual leave? Could that be your downtime whennyour child is in nursery? Sorry but this is life.

Your mum is a person who wants the accolades but doesn't want to do the work that brings them.

You're going to have to move - this is not a situation that will work out well for you or your child.

Go back as soon as you can to your support network.

Let the hurty feelz happen. Stay focused on what's best for you and your child. Don't pander to emotional blackmail.

I know this is life and I know what it is to manage on my own I did that for months before I moved here and ds was in full time nursery then. I managed just fine and know exactly what it takes to parent my child completely alone as I said, I'm not asking for regular time outside of work it's an extra hour at the most every 2/3 months at a time they've already agreed to.

I use my annual leave when my parents are on holiday a few times across the year so I need to be off to look after ds then and when my workplace is closed for certain times of the year like around Xmas. All of my annual leave is planned around childcare and nursery closure dates so believe me when I say my downtime is when my child sleeps at night. And on the nights I work late I'm not home until near midnight and then up and out the next morning so it's not like I'm getting any time to myself on those days apart from literally to sleep. I've been completely independent of my parents since I moved away at 18 and I am very grateful for the support they're offering.

I've been looking into renting here but it's so expensive and there's very little comes up where we live so long term it makes more sense for me to buy.

I think housing and looking after you both and then childminding for 2 full days a week is a LOT especially in late middle age/ retirement. i don't blame your parents for putting firm boundaries in place. I think you are pretty cheeky and lacking in awareness to not see this tbh

You say you're living with your parents following a separation. Not sure if I've missed this but where is your child's other parent? Why aren't they doing their fair share so that you get your wanted downtime?

They are not involved for a good reason I don't want to get into. But ds currently has no contact with his other parent.

People will twist themselves in human pretzels to justify how your parents are behaving but in reality they are being a bit shitty. It's totally normal for a grandparent to watch the toddler while mum has a shower. Or while you go to the gym. Even if they are also doing a couple of days of childcare.
Given that they offered everything they are doing and you moved in on the basis that they'd made all these offers, I think you have a right to feel a bit pissed off.
In reality there's little you can do apart from move out asap and put your child in ft nursery when you do.
Some parents are just a bit rubbish - they are great Facebook grannies but it's all for show and they aren't actually willing to put themselves out for you.

I think dome people on here will spin it that they are looking after you, providing a free home and going above and beyond, when really what they are doing is what parents should do, if they can. It sounds to me like you are contributing to the household, not taking the piss. Favours aren't real favours if they're done resentfully or with massive guilt trips or strings.
Honestly, move out asap.

It sounds like you're adding an extra hour of babysitting to their 'shift' by also wanting them to care for your child while you shower and dress. If I'd wanted that, I'd have (rightly) had to ay my childminder or nursery for an extra hour's childcare.

I'm making an assumption here that your parents are happy to babysit while you're at work because you are literally not there, so either your child is left alone (which is obviously an extreme example) or he goes to paid childcare. The difference with you showering and dressing is that you are there, and having to juggle getting yourself ready with caring for your child is what most parents have to do.

If your parents offered to take him for an evening so you could relax, then it's up to you what you do with that time. But if it's to facilitate your job, then they are already providing a lot of childcare and to add an hour to get ready is taking the piss a bit - just as adding an hour at the end to unwind or cook in peace or go for a drink with your colleagues would be taking the piss

She clearly hates looking after children? Is that what you're taking from two day's unpaid childcare? Maybe she feels like she does plenty and doesn't want to start down the road of an extra hour here and there which might become habitual. The OP already says "they don't do any babysitting outside of this" as if this is somehow noteworthy; the only noteworthy thing here is that they're doing two days already. (And I'm presuming the late shift means that, although OP is around until afternoon, the grandparents are on dinner and potentially bedtime)

Err.... where are you getting that the parents are resentful? They have healthy boundaries so the op does not take the piss. Most parents do not have live-in help to look after their kids whilst they get ready.

I had to move in with my mum for two years with a 2 year old and no partner due to abuse. My mum would sleep on the floor with my child on the days I had to work when dd was poorly. She did anything for us, took no money. After 2 years she helped me move out financially. I will do the same for my children having been modelled such support and will help all I can for mum when and if she needs it. This is family, it’s forever through whatever. We won’t get through life otherwise. Your post reads cold.

I can't believe you are having to take your child to the loo with you because your mum would complain otherwise! That's really heartless. I also can't believe she'd class it as babysitting if you went to the gym while your child was asleep, especially as she then complains about your weight!

She's not a good mother to you, OP. I'm so sorry.

You need to move out and pay for full-time childcare - it rarely works well having grown children and their toddlers living back with mum and dad.

She obviously just snapped in the moment. Loads of Mums will have to facilitate showers when no other adults are around to keep watch. I’d stick to showering when he sleeps.

I agree with mathanxiety. It sounds like your mum offered something she didn’t actually want to give. Many grandparents think it’ll be great to do childcare but in reality it is exhausting both mentally and physically. You need to put DS in nursery full time and move out as soon as possible.

I also think it sounds like your mum isn’t the best. Unfortunately, people who aren’t great parents don’t tend to make great grandparents either. Best to plan your future as independent as possible.

Lavender I would say nothing and ask for nothing in addition to the two days DM is providing. These two days are helpful as is living with them to help you save money for your future home. Your DM does read cold and less than enthusiastic especially the farming you out as DC to aunties house but she is willing to help. So utilize the 2 days bring dc everywhere with you and arrange your life around dc for now. You will be independent again. My very wonderful loving parents did very very little to help me with my children after my divorce. A few hrs during the day once in awhile at most. No nights no overnights. My DF would come very early and put them on the bus around 630 am 2 days a week. Breakfast arranged backpacks good to go but stop right outside the door. Mum didn’t come as it was too early. It helped me a lot so I said thanks and went to work. You are doing great and sound very thoughtful and careful. Your DS will benefit from being with you all the time.

I agree with this.

OP, my set up was similar to yours and my child absolutely would not accept going to my mum when I was in the house but when I was at work they were absolutely fine.

I did end up leaning on my parents a bit too much - they were justified in being resentful about this. Best thing I did was increase nursery hours and move out. They see dc regularly but they are elderly and tired and I shouldn't have relied on them too much in the first place.

It just indicates to me that your parents are finding the situation difficult.

I think you all need to take deep breaths and continue to hold your tongues whilst you are in the situation, it isn't easy for any of you. Don't get bogged down with resentment if you can help it, you are all doing your best.

It's what I'm getting from the OP's description of her mother when she was a child - did not work but still bundled the OP off to an aunt all day on a regular basis.

Plus the OP's observation that her mother has the child two days to keep up an appearance of loving gran for the benefit of her friends, and arriving with presents for the DS when they all lived separately but not wanting to spend any time with him.

Some mothers are cold and distant and more concerned about scoring points with friends than actually engaging in real relationships with their own children. They talk the talk but they don't want to walk the walk.

In fairness this is really accurate. I think I've been hugged maybe twice in my life by my mother - once when I left home as soon as I turned 18 and the other when I was very upset after my separation. She has never been the maternal type which I'd accepted was just the case but the way she spoke about wanting to babysit etc made me think she might have felt differently as a granny and that the issue had been distance compared to how she felt as a mum which can understandably happen. Most of the time she spends looking after ds he's sat in front of a screen or is left to play by himself while she's on social media. Obviously it's still free childcare and she's doing me a really good turn with everything so I don't ever say anything but I do notice it. It's just sometimes because my family dynamic is historically difficult I find it hard to know what's me being unfair/ harsh and what's normal.