I have to see my girlfriend later but I feel too guilty and overwhelmed by everything I've done

[Hxnzxo]

Yesterday my girlfriend asked me to go and see her, but I didn't since I kind of overslept and she said not to go so late. She was upset because I said I'd go. I said I'd come tomorrow (now today) morning, but she said she was busy, which I didn't know/expect since she hadn't told me she'd be busy before. She said I should've come when she said to and that I could've assumed that there was a reason why she didn't want to do the next day. That evening we spoke and before going to sleep she said she'd cancel her plans if I wanted to come and that she loves me. I said the same in the morning, however I feel so guilty about things I haven't told her.

Warning about sexual and inappropriate content before this -

I'm 19 and this is our first relationship. Over the past few months I had countless flare-ups of anxiety and sort of an OCD related around sex. I'd ask after every time we had sex or even just intimate moments, if I'd done too much, was pushy, or listened to what she'd said. I did this to the point where she got really annoyed with it and would tell me to stop asking and shut up about it after each time, because her answer was always the same - I hadn't done wrong and it was fine.

However, I always just had to tell someone because I couldn't keep it in. I would vent to my friends after each sexual worry I had and describe what I did to ask for advice and things like that. I'd even make forum posts (like these) and I've lost count of how many honestly. I've lied about things too to not make her upset.

At one point someone commented something along the lines of - "I'd die if I knew that my boyfriend was telling friends and people online about our sexual matters". This just struck me today. I feel so guilty and I think I can't see her and have sex with her again without telling her about this, because if she found out she definitely wouldn't want to have sex with me or even be with me, so I think that me not telling her, so she doesn't get upset, and having sex, kissing, touching, any intimacy, can genuinely be a crime because if she knew she wouldn't want to.

One time a few months back I'd masturbated to porn before we had sex, but not told her, and felt like it was a crime because again she wouldn't have wanted to if she'd found out. I asked on another forum and everyone on there agreed that I was mistaken and it wasn't anywhere near the same as SA or a crime. On nearly every occasion I was also told I could have some form of OCD and to speak to a therapist, so I did and called my doctors. I've been referred to my local practice from before, and I called today but only got an over-the-phone appointment for later. The only thing that comforts me is that I might be misunderstanding and my view can be really twisted, but I just feel so guilty, I can't go. I've been such an * for telling so many people and lying and hiding things from her. I'd delete my history and chats with friends even because if she found out she'd be broken.

Today she's so happy and wants me to go see her but I just can't. I spoke to my local NHS hotline about this and a lady told me to tell her about it and how I didn't mean no harm and won't do it again, but what if this makes her think back and feel like all my previous actions during sex were a crime, because she'll feel so uncomfortable that I told people and friends. I should've only spoken to a therapist but couldn't wait and had to talk to people online for immediate advice and reach. Yes I did it out of anxiety and because I felt I couldn't keep it in without having a panic attack, plus I wasn't bad-mouthing her and only spoke about what I'd done, but regardless it was still in intimate detail involving her and I can't bear the thought of how she'd react if I told her.

Of course I want to go, but if I do and we have sex or do anything intimate I can't help but think it will be a crime since I'm not telling her about what I've done and she wouldn't want to have sex if she found out, she'll feel incredibly uncomfortable.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I was thinking of apologising and saying I'm too overwhelmed today and just don't feel good. The lady on the hotline said to go today and tell her about it in person, apologise and promise not to do it again, then see if we can move on; but I know she'll be devastated.

I think the only way out in the long term is a break up, and I don't know what to do today. She'll be upset if I don't go a second time after I disappointed her yesterday. I know I've been an *** and I'm sorry.

She also just asked if I'm coming or not, and I can't say no. What do I do after all this guilt and worry? I even feel guilty for this post too and it's all just spiralling. I apologise for this in advance.

You need to break up. You are in no state to have a healthy relationship right now. Please seek some counselling for yourself

Break up.

you are too immature to have a healthy relationship imo and you need to sort out your anxiety first.

You sound like you need some serious help with your mental heath. I’m not even sure what you’re feeling guilty about or struggling with, these are complete non issues. What is very clear is that you really need to step away from this relationship, and all further relationships until you’ve sorted out whatever these issues are

You sound very guilty about everything. Why do you call everything a crime?

Agree you are not ready for a relationship but also please stop telling everyone about your intimate issues. This would be a deal breaker for the majority of women.

I don't know much about anxiety and compulsions but it sounds as if you have both.

You are doing far too much talking to her in your head and not enough in reality. It sounds as if you've lived an entire relationship arc without her being involved at all.

I'd go and have a conversation about what's going on with you both (not just you) and also consider talking to your GP about your compulsions.

I stopped reading the first post before being halfway through.

you are not ready for a relationship

I think I gave you some advice before under a different name. Were you the young man who was worried about placing his hand on his gf’s thigh on the bus?

Yes, I was getting better and actually had a great 2 weeks, but now it's come back in the form of all this guilt.

@notmycupofdarjeeling I also recognised the poster.

@Hxnzxo You need some serious therapy mate. Nothing anyone tells you on here is going to help you. Please go and get some intensive psychotherapy.

And break up with your girlfriend. It is not okay to string her along while you are so unwell.

Have to agree with PPs, you're not currently stable enough for a relationship and it's clearly making you stressed.

Regardless, the looking for advice and venting is called Reassurance Seeking. It temporarily reduces the anxiety but ultimately feeds into it and keeps the cycle of worry going.
I assume you’ve looked for advice online anonymously. Don’t tell your gf. Just try to stop doing it, put it behind you and go and see her. Stop punishing yourself.
But you do need to try to stop looking for reassurance from her. Eventually she will have enough of it. It sounds like she really likes you. You really aren’t doing anything wrong, it’s just the OCD.
I had this with a different presentation when I was younger. It can be very hard to access therapy for this at the moment. Keep pushing for it but my advice is to research antidepressants that also help with OCD, go to your GP and ask for a prescription. I’m on ADs for this and honestly I’m tired a lot but it’s like having a different brain. It’s a massive relief and now I can get on with my life.
If that was you before, did you ever talk to your mum about all this? She might be able to help with the GP if so.
Good luck OP. Please give yourself a break.

I thought so.

It is good that it had been getting better.
Did anything specific happen to trigger the guilt?

Oh OP I really feel for you. I am almost certain your (irrational - sorry to be blunt but it’s coming from someone who suffers from the same thing) cyclical thoughts are a form of OCD. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 29 but it suddenly made a lifetime of anxiety, guilt, ruminating and intrusive thoughts made sense because I didn’t realise it was OCD.
Please push with your GP to see a psychologist who could assess you as if you’ve got OCD it will be impacting you in all areas of your life I imagine, not just personally.
Good luck and look after yourself

I second this. Through this reassurance seeking, you’re actually feeding the anxiety. I’ve been treated for OCD too. It’s a horrible illness, but it does usually respond well to antidepressants and a course of CBT. Go and speak to your GP. You need proper help with this.

I remember your previous post.

You're not a monster. You haven't committed a crime. You're not a bad person.

You're experiencing high levels of anxiety, OCD-related intrusive thoughts and overwhelming guilt.

You're in distress and need support.

Confessing things, ruminating, going over and over your actions, and being afraid that you've done something irreparably wrong, even when others reassure you that you haven't, is textbook OCD, particularly considering how you're relating it to themes of morality, intimacy, and guilt.

What you've done is not abusive or criminal. Talking to friends or forums (even if it was in too much detail) for reassurance or perspective isn't a betrayal; it's a coping mechanism you've used when you've felt trapped in your thoughts.

Having sex after watching porn is not a crime or deception; it's a common human behaviour. It doesn't invalidate your partner's consent, and it's not something you "had to confess".

Not telling her every thought you've had or every conversation you've posted online is not equivalent to non-consensual intimacy. The guilt you feel is real, but the belief that you've done something criminal is not grounded in reality. It's a false belief. It's your OCD.

You’re stuck in a loop: guilt; confession; guilt; avoidance; guilt…

And that's how OCD traps people. It makes you feel like unless you confess every thought and every action, you're somehow deceiving others or being harmful. However, compulsive confessions are not the same as building honest and healthy relationships.

True honesty also involves protecting both people's peace, and that means not feeding the OCD by constantly apologising or confessing things that aren't harmful in the first place.

My advice would be:

Pause before making any significant decisions (like breaking up). You're in a high-anxiety state. It's not the time to make life-altering decisions, such as ending a relationship.

Don't cancel your visit. If the only reason you're staying away is guilt, then staying away may reinforce the idea that you're dangerous or harmful, which you're not. Being with someone who loves and supports you can help ease the spiral, especially if you agree not to be physically intimate today.

Don't give a full confession today. The NHS hotline woman meant well, but in cases like this, immediate full confessions can cause more harm, to you and her. This isn't about hiding the truth but about understanding that your urgency to confess is part of the OCD pattern.

What you're feeling, that you're doing something wrong just by being around someone who loves you, is a lie your anxiety is telling you. Don't believe it.

You're not a danger. You're not deceptive. You're suffering and trying very hard not to cause harm. You don't need to punish yourself.

Focus on getting professional support. You've already taken a step by contacting your doctor. What you're experiencing is a very common type of OCD. It's treatable. Just keep going.

Thank you so much, and everyone above too.

I did mess up with the porn thing because in January she got very upset after finding out I'd searched up something inappropriate, so she said she didn't feel like she was enough for me and that she hasn't done it to anything else since we've been together. We spoke about it and I agreed not to do it anymore, so when I did masturbate to it again I felt incredibly guilty. It was because I felt very turned on while she didn't seem like she was, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself and to not bug her about it, but I should've controlled myself and let it cool off instead of having to masturbate.

I feel like you're spot on for everything though, I feel much better now. The GP also said I could go to a nearby walk-in clinic if I need to talk to someone today, so I might do that.

Thank you, genuinely.

You're welcome.

Anxiety can make everything feel and seem worse and I can't see from what you've written that you've done anything wrong that's your mind telling you that you have.
I'm wondering where this constant guilt /shame stems from, and a therapist would be your best bet here. You know you need help and your making the right steps so good on you.

Masturbating is nothing to be ashamed of, especially at your age you've hormones flying around and at times it's a quick stress relief. Don't feel bad and stop punishing yourself.

Treat yourself kindly but make sure you seek help. Good luck

Depends what you mean by inappropriate?

I think it can be difficult in regards to porn some people don't mind other people take it as they aren't enough.

Are you autistic OP? Just wondering as 19 is quite late for a first GF and anxiety/OCD are commonly comorbid. I have a 19 yr old with ASD who has never had a GF so it just made me wonder.

Do you like yourself OP? I really think you need help with liking and accepting yourself, healthy boundaries and people pleasing. Your anxiety and over thinking sound like they're through the roof. I think you need to concentrate on working on yourself for now, you'll be a much better boyfriend when you're comfortable in your own skin, happy and confident. I don't think this sounds like the right relationship for you at all.

I’d go so far as to say you’re in crisis at the moment. You need fairly urgent psychological support.

No, as in an actual diagnosis. We've been together for nearly 2 years now, since 17. Our anniversary is in just under 2 weeks in fact, so a breakup would actually be heartbreaking.

Some friends have suggested I may be autistic though, since sometimes I can't tell how people feel and don't know what the right thing to say is, but I can tell pretty well when she's upset or her mood changes, I just sometimes don't know how to respond, so I'm on the fence about it. I've read that OCD/ADHD are common to be paired with autism, so I might just not have realised it. As for ADHD, I tend to have this brain fog and get quite distracted. I can only focus on one thing I'm doing at a time, so I can't multitask at all and forget a lot, but I don't think I should self-diagnose.

Regarding self esteem she did help me love myself more, I used to be insecure about factors like height but I got over it since she really doesn't care and showed me a lot of love. It's just that feeling of guilt and that I get too horny/desperate sometimes that makes me feel bad about myself, or whenever I make her upset by saying the wrong thing or not doing something (such as not visiting her today, or lying).

That’s not really messing up. You’re only human. I would just try to keep that type of thing private. You should take on board how your gf feels but ultimately it’s a personal choice.
That’s good about the walk in clinic.
There are some good CBT workbooks for OCD that can do on your own on Amazon also.

I really feel for you OP, I suffered with anxiety and intrusive thoughts at your age and it's incredibly hard. You're not a bad person, your brain is just working against you right now.

Please keep trying your GP. If your family is supportive, tell them you are struggling and need help. It may help to take a step back from your relationship right now, explain that you are struggling with your mental health and need some space if you can.

Things will get better

I agree you need head space. This fear needs gently unpicking by a specialist therapist/ Dr and you need to learn to be much kinder to yourself.
you sound like a decent man to me, but one in great distress and this relationship seems to be only making it harder for you.
you have every right to seek help from wherever you need, please impress on the Dr that this is taking over your life and ask for help