I have to see my girlfriend later but I feel too guilty and overwhelmed by everything I've done

[Hxnzxo]

Yesterday my girlfriend asked me to go and see her, but I didn't since I kind of overslept and she said not to go so late. She was upset because I said I'd go. I said I'd come tomorrow (now today) morning, but she said she was busy, which I didn't know/expect since she hadn't told me she'd be busy before. She said I should've come when she said to and that I could've assumed that there was a reason why she didn't want to do the next day. That evening we spoke and before going to sleep she said she'd cancel her plans if I wanted to come and that she loves me. I said the same in the morning, however I feel so guilty about things I haven't told her.

Warning about sexual and inappropriate content before this -

I'm 19 and this is our first relationship. Over the past few months I had countless flare-ups of anxiety and sort of an OCD related around sex. I'd ask after every time we had sex or even just intimate moments, if I'd done too much, was pushy, or listened to what she'd said. I did this to the point where she got really annoyed with it and would tell me to stop asking and shut up about it after each time, because her answer was always the same - I hadn't done wrong and it was fine.

However, I always just had to tell someone because I couldn't keep it in. I would vent to my friends after each sexual worry I had and describe what I did to ask for advice and things like that. I'd even make forum posts (like these) and I've lost count of how many honestly. I've lied about things too to not make her upset.

At one point someone commented something along the lines of - "I'd die if I knew that my boyfriend was telling friends and people online about our sexual matters". This just struck me today. I feel so guilty and I think I can't see her and have sex with her again without telling her about this, because if she found out she definitely wouldn't want to have sex with me or even be with me, so I think that me not telling her, so she doesn't get upset, and having sex, kissing, touching, any intimacy, can genuinely be a crime because if she knew she wouldn't want to.

One time a few months back I'd masturbated to porn before we had sex, but not told her, and felt like it was a crime because again she wouldn't have wanted to if she'd found out. I asked on another forum and everyone on there agreed that I was mistaken and it wasn't anywhere near the same as SA or a crime. On nearly every occasion I was also told I could have some form of OCD and to speak to a therapist, so I did and called my doctors. I've been referred to my local practice from before, and I called today but only got an over-the-phone appointment for later. The only thing that comforts me is that I might be misunderstanding and my view can be really twisted, but I just feel so guilty, I can't go. I've been such an * for telling so many people and lying and hiding things from her. I'd delete my history and chats with friends even because if she found out she'd be broken.

Today she's so happy and wants me to go see her but I just can't. I spoke to my local NHS hotline about this and a lady told me to tell her about it and how I didn't mean no harm and won't do it again, but what if this makes her think back and feel like all my previous actions during sex were a crime, because she'll feel so uncomfortable that I told people and friends. I should've only spoken to a therapist but couldn't wait and had to talk to people online for immediate advice and reach. Yes I did it out of anxiety and because I felt I couldn't keep it in without having a panic attack, plus I wasn't bad-mouthing her and only spoke about what I'd done, but regardless it was still in intimate detail involving her and I can't bear the thought of how she'd react if I told her.

Of course I want to go, but if I do and we have sex or do anything intimate I can't help but think it will be a crime since I'm not telling her about what I've done and she wouldn't want to have sex if she found out, she'll feel incredibly uncomfortable.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I was thinking of apologising and saying I'm too overwhelmed today and just don't feel good. The lady on the hotline said to go today and tell her about it in person, apologise and promise not to do it again, then see if we can move on; but I know she'll be devastated.

I think the only way out in the long term is a break up, and I don't know what to do today. She'll be upset if I don't go a second time after I disappointed her yesterday. I know I've been an *** and I'm sorry.

She also just asked if I'm coming or not, and I can't say no. What do I do after all this guilt and worry? I even feel guilty for this post too and it's all just spiralling. I apologise for this in advance.

Thank you, she was upset before this but she's not upset anymore, and just asked me if I'm still going to go and see her.

I still feel kind of anxious that I'll be too horny or something will go wrong, whether it be during simple cuddling or her getting upset if I insist that I don't want to touch or do anything intimate.

I could go to the clinic and use it as an excuse, but I feel kind of bad because what type of bf avoids seeing his gf? On the inside I would feel much better staying home and relaxing by myself with my family etc, but I don't want her to feel like I don't like her or want to see her (she said this earlier because it seemed like I never wanted to go to begin with, and she wasn't wrong, it's just that the issue is me and sex, not her. I don't want to be an asshole of a bf by avoiding going to her place).

Sincere apologies if this is totally inappropriate but are you a cannabis smoker? It sounds like the overthinking that drug induced paranoia can produce.
If you aren't, I apologise, I had intrusive thoughts and ruminations when my baby was little when I was stone cold sober I'd obsess over them being safe and worry excessively about other people hurting them. OCD comes in many forms.
I echo other posters who say you aren't ready for a relationship. Work on your mental health. Good luck x

OP, you’re not in a state to be in a relationship. A break-up might be ‘heart-breaking’, but it’s also almost certainly the best thing you can do for yourself and your girlfriend. Have therapy. Sort out your MH. Become more stable and less prone to obsessive behaviours. And happier. This is no way to live, at 19,:or 90. But dealing with OCD isn’t going to be a single session with a therapist. It is likely to take a long time and involve a lot of hard work. You will need to really challenge yourself and work at it. Good luck.

I'm not, but thank you!

Maybe you just sometimes find the intimacy overwhelming. You should be able to be together without pressure or expectations on her part about what is supposed to happen. I don’t doubt that there is something going on here along the lines of OCD or similar, but you are young and early on in your experience of relationships. You seem to blame yourself a lot but maybe your gf needs to understand that sex/ intimacy is something you clearly struggle with. That is okay and to some degree, normal and to be expected at your age/ stage in life.
Maybe you should try not to think about all your feelings and responses in regard to sex/ intimacy in terms of these issues you have and blaming yourself and thinking about what you should/ shouldn’t be doing and actually think about how you want your relationship to be, what you are and aren’t comfortable with and being able to communicate properly with your gf about how you feel.
Just because you have your own issues doesn’t mean your gf is always right or things have to be all on her terms.
It is worth considering what previous posters have said about whether you are actually ready to be in a relationship or not.
I can understand why your gf finds some of your behaviours frustrating but at the same, your feelings are just as valid as hers and for whatever reason, if you want to see her and not be physical with each other, she should respect that.

Thank you. I think I find the anxiety of having not listened or been desperate too overwhelming, and I'd rather be home in my room as a sort of "safe space", where I can play games and relax. I get that if I don't want to be intimate she should be absolutely fine with it and I know she will, it's just that I don't feel like going at all which I feel is a dick move. She called me a few minutes ago and started saying how she felt lonely by herself (we both go to different universities and she's in her dorm while I'm commuting from home). She also started crying after saying all of that, because I didn't want to see her and didn't put in effort to go, so I feel like such an asshole right now.

Before this I went out for a walk and did the phone consulation with my GP, and it actually turned out really well - the lady was very nice and even prescribed medication after I asked for some. I picked it up just an hour after the call.

I also asked if I would be a bad boyfriend if I didn't want to go and she said she wouldn't say so, also that it isn't necessarily a decision between being a good or bad boyfriend, but just deciding between putting mine or her feelings first (which I feel like an asshole for though). I'd have no problem putting me first this time if I was usually putting her first, but I don't feel like I have.
Earlier in the day she said it's always about me, which she's said before when she'd tell me to stop asking about doing anything wrong. I wouldn't stop worrying and kept asking even despite her telling me to stop, because it wasn't a direct yes or no and didn't help my OCD. She said I only cared about my feelings and not hers, which I get because if I didn't feel better I would keep seeking an answer despite her telling me to stop talking about it or bring it up. I felt horrible about it but didn't beat myself up because I couldn't help it but stress.

So if I put my feelings first today I feel like I'm just an egoist and don't care about her feelings, as I've done before.

She also said that in a way I'm trying to keep both of us happy (I'm guessing because 1. I won't be worried at home and 2. She won't have to put up with me asking for clearance/assurance if I did something?), so there isn't a right or wrong decision on going or calling it off for today.

I still don't know if I should go, she said it's late but sometimes I feel like she still wants me to try. Even if it's the evening I could still sleep over and spend tomorrow morning with her. My opinion is I would be better off staying home but I don't want her to be upset and be an asshole.

I used "she" interchangeably here, sorry about that.

In the third paragraph the first two "she's" refer to the doctor I spoke to over the phone, while the rest refer to my girlfriend.

In the fifth paragraph, the first "she" refers to the doctor again, while the second in the parentheses refers to my girlfriend.

Apologies again for the misunderstanding, it doesn't let me edit anymore.