Am I mad?

[peaslouise]

To be considering getting back with my DS’ dad? He cheated when I was pregnant and probably before this too - he did however also have a MH breakdown around this time and ended up in hospital receiving support. I have been adamant I am not getting back with him but to me, and everyone around me, he has changed in a big way. DS is now 5 and he is an amazing dad to him, he has showed up consistently and has never let him down - he also goes above and beyond for me. I also have my own house, car, good paying job etc so would be OK life and finance wise if things were to not work out. I feel it would be wasted if we didn’t try, at least in tiny steps, but I’m so in my own head I can’t see straight…

What was the context of the cheating? A ONS with very bad MH with 5 years good behaviour maybe.

A year long affair where he repeatedly lied to your face? That kind of betrayal will be hard to get over and shows his ability to compartmentalise. People like that don’t change without lots of self work.

Do you know for a fact he wants to rekindle?

And realistically what would that look like? Would he move back in?

Have you been intimate since you split?

Have either of you ever gotten into a relationship with someone else since you split?

Sorry for all the questions but context is everything!

So from what I know, not a ONS, but also not a year long affair - again, absolutely terrible MH which I’ve always said was never an excuse. He has said he has done a lot of work on himself, and I have seen a lot of it in action so that’s a positive.

Yes I’ve suspected for a while he wants to rekindle, I never would have initiated it, but he admitted this last week so have been thinking since.

Absolutely no idea what it would look like, I have put up very high walls to everyone since it happened and swore I’d remain single forever so it’s hard to think about really.

Intimate, yes, but extremely infrequently and mainly after a red wine on my part

No other relationships on my part - as above, sworn to be single forever, none on his that I know of, nobody introduced to our son - but haven’t discussed in detail!

I wouldn’t even consider it.

He can be a good dad and help to you without you stepping back into a relationship where cheating was concerned. I don’t see poor mental health as an excuse for it.

I am going to assume he caused you a lot of hurt when you were pregnant so you would be a fool to allow him back in.

I think you would need to go into it with eyes wide open as to the possibility of him cheating again. If that would destroy you, don't do it. Would you not always feel on edge about anything even mildly suspicious?

Yes, you’d be stupid to go back.

I would start from scratch again start going on dates ? Little steps x

If you do just be careful how it’s impacting your DS if it doesn’t work out.

What do your family think? They know him too but will have your best interests at heart so would be a good barometer of whether he has truly changed.

I would never take back a cheater as it gives them the green light to do it again BUT in your case from what you have said, it does seem like he has done the work. If you still love him and want to be with him I would give him one chance.

However I wouldn’t do it lightly and I would be clear on your expectations of him. I would take it very slow so you can pull back if you see red flags.

I would also tell him before you move forward you want couples therapy so you can air all your feelings about the past and what you want from the future and see if you are on the same page. The last thing you want is to confuse your son by it not working out.

Think of it like this for a minute:
he may well of had a MH breakdown or had his own issues but:
He cheated on you when you were pregnant! A time when you were experiencing raging hormones, facing a lot of changes, likely felt discomfort, tiredness etc… you had his child growing inside you and he cheated!
that’s quite a awful thing to do to someone.

If Trying again is something that you really want to do you will definitely need to lay some laws down. Your feelings matter too!

You would be well beyond stupid to at all take him back when he had dumped you and repeatedly so. Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs. You’re an easy mark for him because you’ve previously invested wrongly in him.

He can further prove himself by behaving well to both you and his son as he is doing. This does not mean you should get back with him. His MH is no excuse or justification for cheating on you.

Could your own home, car and good paying job be part of the appeal?

Having an affair when you're pregnant is about as low as it gets in my opinion. It shows a total disregard for you at the time you need most support in your life. Mental health or no mental health.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5343507-feel-so-stupid-i-let-my-partner-cheat-again

have you seen this post. Almost exactly the same situation and it’s not worked out well.

If you has a DS together then I'd say 100% yes, get back together. Assuming he's offered.

This is what I’m worried about, that’s so rubbish for the OP and would be a lot of effort to be emotionally invested if he hadn’t changed. I’m not sure what more he could do to convince me he has, apart from what I can see, and all the money he’s spent on medication and therapy 😅. I will have a serious chat and go from there I think, one thing is for certain - that I wouldn’t be telling our son unless I was absolutely sure and it had been months and months. Thanks so much for your thoughts and for all the previous posters too!

You have your house, job, car and an involved coparent.
What would YOU get out of a potentially explosive relationship with said coparent?

I also imagine your house and stability is a huge appeal to him.

What’s his current situation? Does he work and have his own home?

A few have mentioned the stability being what he is after.. again definitely a concern, he doesn’t have a place yet and lives with parents, he does pay lot for our son so I haven’t been too bothered by that, I guess what I get is a relationship I haven’t had in a while, my needs met, some adult company and a family unit back again, plus the fact that I’m so cautious about meeting new men because of my son, but believe it or not I am quite sensible and cautious, so absolutely not going into things lightly. He does have a well-paid, full-time, stable, managerial job too (when I say mine is well paid, think stable and nearish the top scale of a standard public sector job, nothing 3 figure or finance related!!)

It could work out great for him couldn’t it? No maintenance to pay and a space in your house.

I would move very carefully and cautiously.

This. This should be the most important factor. For this reason I would not risk it.

It sounds like you are kicking goals & thriving, independently. Yay you. What's he going to bring to the table? Personally, I think you're better off without him. Stay single, or meet a different bloke. He gains more than you, if you reconcile IMHO.

Nope.

I wouldn't. If you're missing having a man, start dating new people.

I have little sympathy for MH issues made me cheat type sob stories. (My ex claimed he walked into the river etc to get me to stay.) What's to stop him falling into someone else next time he feels a bit down or whatever?

It would be hard on your ds to get back together only for it to fail again, and you'd feel really stuck.

It sounds like he has worked hard to prove himself and improve his mental health which is a very good starting point.

Before even contemplating restarting anything I’d want full and frank honesty from him about what happened, full accountability on his part for his behaviour (and not blaming it all on MH unless it really was unequivocally that) and perhaps couples therapy to explore what went wrong and how you could rebuild, what you’d both need and what both of your expectations would be.

Then it would be baby steps - no moving in, or even discussion around that. He’d need to get himself financially stable, so that he isn’t reliant on you and you aren’t left question whether he’s with you for your financial security.

But you will always need to have a slightly hardened heard, and an awareness that things could slip, or he might do it again. could you take on someone with these MH issues again?

But it sounds like you have a lot to gain if you could make it work, and going in with your eyes open and good communication skills in place it could work.

Maybe show him that post? Explain to him if he thinks there is any chance that could happen, then staying friends is a better decision for your son and your co-parent relationship.

It might be more convenient to live with you and your son, and I don’t doubt he cares for you and loves his son, but is he strong enough to be there for you through good times and bad, without looking for external validation and escapism.