Feel so stupid I let my partner cheat again

[YourPinkLeader]

We have a 6 year old together. The last time he cheated on me was when I was pregnant - I found out the week before I gave birth. It was horrific. That was the end of our relationship until 6 months ago.
We were in a really good place. He genuinely was my best friend and he started asking if we could try again. I really really thought he had worked on himself and was capable of being a reliable partner but I’ve just found out he’s cheated on me again. I feel like an absolute idiot I let him do this to me again. My main reason for giving it another go was for my little boy, he doesn’t know we were back together because I know how much he wants us to be and I didn’t want get to his hopes up. But us slowly working towards being a family was the goal.
I don’t even know how to navigate co-parenting when I can’t even bare to be in the same air space as him.
I guess I’m not after anything I just really needed to vent and be verbally beaten for my absolutely terrible choices!

This is not on you. You are a normal human being who wanted what you believed was the best for your little boy.

He otoh is a twat who only cared about himself, chose to betray you, and went through with it.

Can you afford therapy? I think you need to talk all of this through with a good therapist who will help you see that you are a good woman who deserved far better.

He's not going to change, is he. So you have to make it the last time he cheats on you because from now on you are not his partner for him to cheat on.
You wanted to create a family unit with his father for your son, which is understandable. But that's not going to happen now. But it doesn't mean your son doesn't have a father, he does. Just not the partner of his mother, which works fine for thousands of children.
You are hurt and feel betrayed. Take time to work through that. Focus on practicalities. You know what they are, or if not, read all the other threads that cover this. You are not alone in this happening.

I read some research years ago that found the overwhelming emotion that people have when they find out they have been cheated on is feeling stupid they didn't see it. People think it's a sens of betrayal, or a broken heart, but the first emotion it's actually feeling stupid. It will pass though and nobody else thinks that. Use it as a source of strength.

This is not your fault. You were motivated by optimism and a wish to give your child a stable loving home with two parents. Both good reasons.

It didn't work but that's his fault, not yours. You were careful not to risk your child's happiness while you tried to restore the relationship, which was very sensible. You have been the best mum you could be.

Just write it down to experience & move on. The only loser is your ex.

I guess my main problem is that even before we got back together we would regularly do things together, watch his football matches, sports day, birthdays etc but I don’t want to do anything like that anymore as I need a clean break so to speak. I’m not sure how I go about letting my boy know. He is very sensitive and already upset about the swift handover this evening.

Your child will be upset at the change but he'll soon adjust to the new normal.
You really need to keep the boundaries very clear in future so you don't confuse him more.

I am sorry this happened to you again. This is not your fault, you only wanted what was best for your boy.

Him on the other hand, he knew exactly what he was doing. He made a conscious decision to cheat on you again. After being given a second chance. He isn't going to change.

How old is your son? Maybe you need to have an age appropriate conversation with him on how mum and dad will be separate from now on but you both still love him and will always be there for him (individually) Please don't feel you need to spend time with this man, as the same cycle will continue to happen. He will "change" you will "soften" and let him back in and he will do it again.

Is there a family member who can help with handover's of your boy so he doesn't feel the atmosphere, as he is sensitive. It may make it less distressing for him?

Please eat, be kind to yourself, seek support. Sending love and strength

Im so sorry OP. When did you find out? Does he know you know?

It’s not your fault. You gave him a second chance because you believed he had changed. Now you know that’s not the case. Being a good friend and being a good partner aren’t the same. Hindsight is always 20/20.

At least you know without a shadow of a doubt he cannot change. This time you can let him go properly and move on with your life. In a way it’s a blessing he did it now and not when your child was invested.

Take your space now. In time you can be civil again. But being close to him (regardless of trying again) was always going to hinder you finding someone else. It’s his loss @YourPinkLeader. He lost a good woman and the mother of his child. You didn’t lose a good man.

You didn't let him do anything. He chose to do it. This is on him. It's not on you. None of this is your fault.

You did everything you could by the sounds of it.

The prat isn't worth it. He can't handle adulthood.

Your 6 year old will get through - it's you that needs to heal. If you are fine, your son will be awesomely fine too.
Smile at your son and hug him during handovers, no need for eye contact with the lowlife. Fake it till you make it with the cheeryness.
Just keep saying to your son, your dad loves you and so do I. We are friends and me and you are a team, high five, ice creams, films etc

At least you aren't living together. Do your crying alone once your babies in bed, find the fury and realise you are SO DONE with it.

Bring your shutters down. Build your new life up.

It will be fine I promise

He spent months working on showing me how he could be the ‘perfect’ partner. Unfortunately as soon as we rekindled it all slowly stopped. I can only assume he wanted what he deemed was unobtainable and as soon as he got me he wasn’t interested and was on to the next thing that caught his eye. So I’m clear on the fact he’s not able to commit to anyone.

My son is 6. We had a conversation this morning and he is aware how things will be going forward. I know it won’t be easy but I’m hoping with consistent boundaries my DS will start to accept the new normal. I’m very determined not to slip back into us spending time together as I think you’re right on history repeating itself.

thanks for your kind words and advice ☺️

You sound sensible and caring. This is not your fault. You are not to blame. I've been fooled by smooth talking DH before. It happens..

I found out for sure last night. I’ve had a gut feeling for a couple of weeks but his behaviour this weekend confirmed it had to have happened, or may still be happening. I have zero interest in finding out any details. He knows I know and has tried to communicate with me today about it but unless there’s something I need to talk to him about my DS I won’t be responding to him.
We've spent hours taking about our future and it’s just gutting to have it all taken away. Especially as until I made the decision to give it a go I didn’t have feelings for him anymore. But I will be taking space and when I’m ready I will be civil but we will never be close again because you’re right, I really have blocked myself from meeting anyone else.
I keep rereading your last sentence because it’s exactly what I need to remind myself!

I am putting on a brave face for my DS because he is very in tune with my energy.
We had a takeaway and movie night tonight and he’s fast asleep in my bed a happy boy. I have a couple of days out planned before he goes to his dads so I’m hoping he will be feeling a little more settled by then. I have already spoken to him about how drop off at his dad’s will be.
I am beyond relieved we weren’t living together and that he hasn’t even been staying here because that would be even harder to deal with. My shutters are down and I’m excited to start building a new life.
Thank you for your advice ☺️

I just feel I should have known it was never our family he wanted. It was more he wanted what he couldn’t have. I’ll never be so naive again.