Bloody fed up of critical DH

[Coffeeandcake32]

Just need to vent really and see if I'm being unreasonable! Not to drip feed my DH is generally great- a good dad, provider and takes responsibility for basically everything in the house in terms of sorting finances, DIY, holidays, admin etc (by his own choice). I work part time and do the vast majority of looking after our 5 year old DS.
I have dysphraxia which I think DS has inherited and this seems to irritate my perfectionist DH but to be fair he isn't too critical of DS. He is a bit of a control freak and good at whatever he turns his hand too and cannot understand other people struggling.
I do tend to struggle with my dysphraxia with things that others might find easy and he pick holes in whatever I do. If I even stack the dishwasher incorrectly I get a nagging session from DH (so most days). If I clean he will find something out of place even though I am pretty thorough. I've bit back numerous times asking what he hopes to achieve and I admit I'm not perfect as I do snap back a lot of the time but don't know how to handle this. What made me write this thread was yesterday I was in a and e with my son most of the day. He picked us up and when we got back complained that I had hung the bedding up incorrectly and it would have dried completely if I had done it correct...as you can imagine after a long day in a and e I was fuming

This situation rests on the premise that his way is the correct way. You seem to have entered into an agreement with him that this is true, which is why he feels enabled to pull you up on not doings right (his way).

Have you ever had a conversation with him where you assert that his way is not always the right way, and the world won't fall to pieces if they're not done the way he likes it each time?

How was he about your Dyspraxia before you got married?

Nothing to do with your dyspraxia - it’s his OCD. He’s a control freak. He needs counselling to help control his reactions to this and understand the impact he’s having.

And no you are not being unreasonable.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

He is using your dyspraxia to put you down and even worse your child could start copying him. He seems to wield way more power and control in this relationship than you do. Control freaks also don’t generally make for being good parents either. Controlling behaviour too is steeped in abuse.

You have a choice here re this man and your child does not.

Do not continue to put up with this from
him. He does not behave like this to his work colleagues or to those in the outside world, this poor treatment of you in the home is reserved for you. I’d be looking to plan my exit from him.

What would happen if you told him to fuck off and stick his criticism up his arse?

He sounds very controlling.

Brilliant....my thoughts as well

Brilliant....my thoughts as well

Thanks for your feedback everyone! Yes I have been known to occasionally tell him to fuck off (out of earshot of DS 🤣) he just can't seem to help himself. My DM has OCD tendencies so I do see similarities between the two in that respect. Also agree with the control aspect. He never used to be quite as critical before we had DS although his own DM says that he has always been a critical person.
I just feel like im always made out to be stupid and reliant on him. The only thing he really compliments me on are my looks and occasionally says I'm a good mother but he then also gets jealous if others compliment me whether they are male or female! I just csnt work out his psyche at all.

Sorry but he sounds like a controlling prick. And Im speaking as a clumsy person who had a controlling prick ex. Even now I can hear his voice in my head when Im doing something.
If you think there is some good in him - teach him the three rules about speaking : Is it kind, is it true , is it necessary?

He sounds like my ex. I couldn't even breathe correctly in the end so I left.

Four years I stuck his constant and unrelenting criticism. This was 2000. He is still single. Can't think why.

There are plenty of ways to stock a dishwasher, to hang the clothes, to make a bed, to store the food in the fridge etc.
Who tells his way is "the way".
I think he is focusing on being petty for the sake of diminish you.

Well who died and left him in charge.
Right way to hang washing? I’ve heard it all now.

You do not need to work out his psyche; people are not puzzles to be figured out. You've married someone just like your own mother and besides which she, like your H now, are not going to change. Pregnancy and or birth are also flashpoints for such people to show their true colours.

As I mentioned before it is unlikely he talks to his work colleagues or people in the outside world like this. You have a choice re this man and your child does not. He really is neither a decent H to you nor good father to his child if you (and in turn your son) are treated like this. You are indeed made to feel both stupid and reliant on him. That is not good for you or for your child.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here? History has a nasty habit of repeating itself. Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. I would still seek legal advice on the quiet re divorce as knowledge here is power.

He's horrible and someone like him isn't a "good dad". He'll start doing it to your child when he's older, meanwhile he'll have destroyed all your confidence and self respect.

Sorry if I’m misreading, but the way the household responsibilities are being split made me uncomfortable- do you have sight of your household income and outgoings, and access to the family money? (Or are you responsible for all your/DS costs from your pt salary?)

He only compliments you on your looks? What a prince.
I’m sure you are beautiful but you deserve compliments over things you control ie your actions.
(He doesn’t like you getting compliments from other people as it suggests you’re an independent being, with positive attributes that are not his imo)

He needs to change his behaviour.

Every time he criticises you tell him he has a small penis.

The sheets aren't folded right
Yes but you have a small penis

The dishes aren't vertical, I hate that you put them horizontal
Yes but you have a small penis

You've used the wrong spoon, this is a tea spoon, not a dessert spoon
Yes but you have a small penis

He'll learn.

I jest of course (well slightly lol) but he's being a petty man child. The world won't end because things aren't done the way he wants 100% of the time. He's going to end up sad and alone and maybe he should realise that.

I'm embarrassed to admit I see a lot of myself in how you describe DH.

You find the critism hard to take. I find it emotionally exhausting being repsonsible for everything, and really, how hard can it be to hang washing so it dries!

Also, if his child's been at A&E all day he's probably been worried/stressed too. As a control freak (again recognise myself) it's sometimes harder not to be the one on the ground dealing with the problem.

None of that makes it OK, but hopefully explains it a bit.

If you want to save the marriage, fight back every single time. If that doesn't work, seek marriage counselling. No one died and made him the god of everything and he needs to learn some fucking humility.

Marriage counselling is not recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse also is not a relationship issue, it's about power and control. These types of men never learn humility.

Well the looks thing as the only compliment well and truly gives me the ick.

I’d find that hard to move past, though if I am trying to be positive/ encouraging I’d say I suppose if his pickiness is ocd he has his own struggles just as you have dyspraxia… and I guess we are all saying he should be more accepting of that.

But I feel as though you have more feelings packed behind that comment about only complimenting you on your looks. You realise you will lose them … ?

My DH doesn't hang out the washing the way I do, but he hangs it out, it dries, I bite my lip. There are things I do that he doesn't like and vice versa. As long as it gets done, life is too short and busy to criticise.
@Coffeeandcake32you need to decide whether you can live with this getting worse or not. In my experience, and I am speaking generally, people's unpleasant traits get worse as they get older, not better.

When I was married to a 'my way is the only way' XH, the phrase 'who died and made you God' was wheeled out a lot, I remember.

Being overly neat and organised it not “OCD”. OCD is a seriously mental issue and needs to stop being trivialised this way. It’s very ignorant.

Why do people who don’t have a clue what OCD is keep throwing it around on this thread? I have OCD, have read almost every book there is on OCD & have had professional help for OCD and just being very tidy and orderly is NOT OCD.