What do you do when both parents are exhausted or ill?

[tecbrowidow]

I feel like when I'm ill I have to really argue my case for a break, and when my partner is ill it's presumed I pick up the pieces. When we're both ill it's just emotionally horrible because he gets very grumpy about every ask I make. What do functional couples do about double exhaustion / illness?

You both just get on with it and you give each other breaks where the other takes over and you aren’t a jerk about it. Dh is ill at the moment and I’m going through cancer treatment (so sort of always a bit unwell).

On Monday, he had an afternoon nap and yesterday I did. He’s gone to work today (he’s the boss so normally works from home but is on site once a week), so it’s all me all day. I’ll probably lie down when he gets home later. And then we’ll both just get on with getting things done so we can go to bed.

It is also just parenting, not childcare. We tag team and yes Dh would get up in the night with a child. I was a sahm but with an underlying health condition.

We had one child who had a medical condition as a baby into the toddler years so we had a guaranteed 4 hour block of sleep each. My "shift" was 10pm-2am and Dh was 2am-6am because he can fall asleep in seconds but if I was up with a child at 3am I would be awake for the rest of the night. We tailored it to us.

Dh had a lie in on a Saturday morning after working 5 days straight, I had the same lie in on a Sunday, never disturbed, he would often take both children out so the house was silent.

When ill, no one is trying to prove they are more ill than the other. We tag team, look after each other because as corny as it sounds we are a team trying to get through a difficult task. No one is grumpy because they are not to blame for how you feel and it is completely unfair on any child to have grumpy parents because they will feel like a burden.

It’s not a race to who is most ill. You just both do your bit, take it in turns if necessary.
I think being grumpy is understandable when ill. How is he taking
his grumpiness out on you?

surely also this situation is such a one off. Both parents being ill at the same time to the point it affects their ability
to look after their child feels like it would only be an occasional occurrence?

@lightslittle he gives me the silent treatment when he's grumpy. He tends to do things like leave me looking after our daughter and quietly go back to bed without telling me or giving me a time he's planning on coming back.

You need to talk to him about that. Why is he "grumpy" why does he give you the silent treatment?.

@CatrionaBalfour when he's overwhelmed he shuts down and goes silent. We've spoken about this a lot before and we do have some coping mechanisms for that because if I'm not careful I keep asking him to talk to me and he gets even more withdrawn, so if I spot he's gone quiet I try to leave him to it. The problem is if he gets overwhelmed and shuts down when our daughter is awake and with us that puts a lot of pressure on me to put a brave face on a situation and look after her on my own which actually breaks my heart. Why he's grumpy? I don't know. I find I tend to be quite chatty and energetic in the morning even if I'm sleep deprived. He's the total opposite - tends to sit with hunched shoulders looking at his phone, avoiding eye contact or interaction, sighs a lot, gets a bit curt and snippy if he's asked for anything when he's in that state.

This is a horrible man. Why are you with this horrible man?!

we do have some coping mechanisms for that because if I'm not careful I keep asking him to talk to me and he gets even more withdrawn, so if I spot he's gone quiet I try to leave him to it.

So, your coping mechanism is you leaving him to it and doing all the childcare, so he doesn’t get ‘overwhelmed’? How incredibly convenient for him. What is he actively doing to sort all this? Nothing, I’m guessing?

@tecbrowidow this cannot continue. It is not a way to live. Your daughter will be impacted.
You're going to have to either suggest that he sees the GP if there's a medical problem, see a counsellor if not, or you're going to have to take yourself and your child out of this.

Please do not have another child with this abusive man.
His behaviour will be impactacting your daughter.
Is this really what you want for you and her?
It can take time, but you can start planning.

First, do not get pregnant again under any circumstances.

When it's at a weekend, I do all the night stuff, then sleep in till midday while he looks after kids. I am naturally v much a night owl.

When it's weekdays, I do all the night stuff and all day. (SAHM/freelance.) Because he won't take any time off work till he's supposedly too ill to get out of bed, and then as soon as he's better even if I'm not he goes back. Might get half an hour in the evening for a bath sometimes. He does cook. But he's shit with the kids when he's sick/grumpy/ after 8pm. Never done a night wake.

He does deal with the vomit though.

OP we're a bit like that too the tireder I am the more I talk, DH just shuts down, I really don't think he means to, I call it "tardigrading."

There’s no point in asking what functional couples do - you’re not in that situation.

You tell him it’s not on and that you expect equal input from him in all areas of your family life.

He either steps up or you leave.

I see a couple of people telling me to just leave. I actually don't know how and my thread asking about logistics isn't getting much love: www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5343581-how-does-trial-separation-work

You're going to have to start the process. Usually people on here give good advice.

You need to end it, tell him to leave the home (of which you own 15%), buy him out of his share, organise shared custody (ideally through court) and crack on with your life.

There is no ‘how’. You literally just do it. It will probably be exceedingly unpleasant, but it’s not particularly complex. All the ‘he will leave without telling me where he’s going and that will stress me out’ and ‘he’s got a big work deadline’ is just you putting road blocks in your own way. Do it. Sit with your discomfort. This is no way to live, so stop.

@ForZanyAquaViewer you're very confident about leaving him being the best option. How do you know it's the best option? I just worry that I'm in a pretty vulnerable place right now, and I might leave the relationship based on advice I've had on MN, and then in a couple of years be in an even worse place and wondering why I left in the first place. My friends tend to be a lot less pushy on the topic of leaving, they might sometimes insinuate it's a good idea, but it's only people online who say with utter conviction that it's what I should do.

@tecbrowidow seriously, do you think it's going to get better?
Please take the advice of people who know. You have to make a better life for yourself and your child.

Have you told your friends everything you’ve said here? Been completely honest?

People who know you (and know what you’re like) have to be diplomatic in their phrasing. Unless they’re a very specific kind of friend, they’re not going to go in all guns blazing and say ‘leave this cunt’ because they have to deal with the blowback and repercussions if you don’t leave (or leave and go back) after they’ve said this. Strangers have no such fears.

I'm saying you should leave him because he sounds horrible. No more, no less. Partners should enrich your life and make you happy, and he clearly does not. You should leave him because you realise this and want better for yourself (and, yes, being alone is better), not because of advice you got on Mumsnet.

This was supposed to say ‘of which you own 85%’. 🤦🏾‍♀️