How does trial separation work

[tecbrowidow]

I'm considering asking for a trial separation. How would this work in reality? How can I make the conversation go as smoothly as possible? Concerns:

• my partner might be unwilling to move out
• on the flip side he might just leave the house right away without telling me where he's going, which would stress me out a lot
• he is very likely to respond with anger at the suggestion, which will upset me a lot
• he's previously said if I ask him to move out that's going to be final, so I'm worried about asking for a trial and regretting it
• he's under constant very high work pressure, so I feel like even if I wait until his latest deadline is over there will be another one looming and he'll blame me for wrecking his career
• he's undiagnosed high functioning autistic, so it's going to be a hard message for him to process

I'm getting close to being out of options aside from separation now having read lots of books on relationships, gone to couples counselling alone (because my partner backed out), and dealt with a lot of silent treatment, grumpiness, unreliability and refusal to talk with me in order to make decisions (big or small). I'm totally exhausted by being default parent and very very lonely in a relationship with someone who puts work ahead of our relationship and really has different values from me. We have a 3.5 year old daughter who adores her dad. We own a flat together as tenants in common with unequal shares. I'm the main earner (I'm on £80k, he's on £40k).

Please help me navigate this. If you've managed a to have a trial separation conversation without immense drama do share how you did it.

Reality!!!OK so needing this time,
You need time to think, plan, ??
As your wanting this temporary break you maybe need to move out find some place, but really does your partner know how your feeling or thinking or how un happy you are , you do need to communicate with him as this could be sorted out with a break, give him chance to help/support you and maybe work this out before it gets to the break, good luck op,

@Omgblueskys I've tried and tried. When I try to talk through the issues he normally goes silent on me, or when he talks he does a counter attack rather than facing the issue at hand. We've had some progress in specific areas, but at the rate of improvement I think I'm at risk of being unhappy for years. I've already been unhappy for a few years.

If you want a trail separation you need to ask for it, along with all the caveats you have listed. But be prepared for him to decline some or all of the things you are asking him to do.

Before you do any of that, really consider what you think the trial separation is meant to achieve. It is not uncommon for people to suggest it as a lever for change in the other person. Effectively to coerce a change the other person doesn’t want make. It can be effective but generally only in the short term.

The problem with the conversation is that you are stating a problem that you have with the current situation and expecting him to leave his home and accept a “temporary split”. Which means you still want to have a hold on him even when he moves out. It is better to split the conversation into 2 parts.

Talk about your desire to split up. Explain how you feel in the current set up avoiding turning it into a blame game. If that is as simple as I am not happy with the life I am living just say it. Because at the end of the day it your decision to split and you need to own it. Saying it is because he isn’t who you want him to be when you chose him to be in your life is shifting blame for your decision.

The practicalities of the split are for another conversation. Some may be decided when you first talk. He could agree you are incompatible and want to permanently split up.

He might not want to move out until the home is sold. He might want to get the property on the market quickly so you can get on with your lives.

You will also need mediation to agree how to co parent.

At the end of the day you can present him with a long list of asks. The only one he has to accept is that you want to split.

@LemonTT it sounds like you think a trial isn't likely to work out and it's better to defer the decision until I'm sure I want to break off the relationship for good. Is that what you're getting at? Also, I feel like it should be possible for him to move out and me take on the property rather than force a sale while our daughter is so young, is that unrealistic? My share in the property is above 85%

I think you need to accept there are things you cannot control. You can end the relationship without his consent. But if you want him to trial a separation you need his agreement for that. He has already told you he wouldn’t want it. So the conversation is likely to end in a split.

He doesn’t need to move out because you want him to. But you can buy him out of his share of the property. He would be advised to stay put until you give him the money.

You asked about how you should approach the discussion and given you need his consent for many things best not to be demanding and entitled.

Assume he will end things permanently and want his share of the equity. And that he will want coparenting arrangements to be agreed.

So my conclusion here is trial separation isn't an option. If I want to create some space maybe I need to have a holiday without my partner or something like that, but not frame it as a trial split. And if I want to split up I should do that eyes wide open knowing it's the actual end, no trialling about it?

Just got clarification - I'd do a holiday with me + child but without partner.

You need to ask him if he would consider a trail separation. But be prepared that he says no to it being a trial.

I don’t know what you mean by taking your child on a holiday. That’s not a trail separation unless you mean for a prolonged period of time. You can’t take his child away for a long time without his agreement.

My husband and I have been sleeping in separate beds for around 8 months. He says my snoring keeps him awake. I have been going to a specialist for my condition, but that is just one of our problems. He feels there is nothing wrong with our relationship, but I have real problems and am just not happy. Today he asked me “well if you are not going to have sex with me can he look elsewhere “. Oh and by the way he is out of town for the next two nights for Christmas events. I was shocked, .. I feel trapped.. I don’t know if I could ever have feelings for him again. What do i have to do for a separation, but I think my final end result is a divorce. He just doesn’t seem to have feelings for me and no respect. HELP

Gosh op, yes your right he has no respect for you,
It's done, but what are you going to do, balls in your court op ,

You do deserve much better op

You need to start your own thread for responses of your own - this is an old thread started by somebody else and either won’t attract attention or will get responses to the original poster from people who haven’t read the full thread. Ask MNHQ to move your post or start another thread here or in Relationships.