What do you do when both parents are exhausted or ill?

[tecbrowidow]

I feel like when I'm ill I have to really argue my case for a break, and when my partner is ill it's presumed I pick up the pieces. When we're both ill it's just emotionally horrible because he gets very grumpy about every ask I make. What do functional couples do about double exhaustion / illness?

We are "fortunate" in that one of us is a Lark, and the other an Owl.
So, I would get up in the mornings, and deal with the kids for a few hours. We'd tag team it over the day, then I'd go to bed early, and DH would deal with anything that came up in the evening.
Masses of screen time and easy meals.

Call the grandparents

Tag team and screens

He sounds abusive.
All childcare is on you.
You are not allowed be unwell.
He is unpleasant if you are.
Abuse.

Do not have more children with this loser.
Time to look hard at this relationship.
It's not good.

I would soldier on for three hours in the morning. DH then for a few hours and we would then alternate until bed time. I prefer to do the first morning stint

Suffer basically. We take it in turns if necessary, call in the support troops if available (in laws, friends, whoever is available). We maintain a fairly wide network of family and friends, and have looked after many others in similar situations.

at last resort pay someone to come and give us a few hours rest. As they say, any port in a storm.

@DongDingBell does your partner do all the overnight stuff, or is there a cut off point? My exhaustion right now is because I get my daughter to bed and then I go to sleep early. My partner stays up late, so if my daughter won't go to sleep he might stay up with her, but doesn't get up after he's gone to sleep at night, so I don't really get more than about five hours sleep straight on an ordinary night, although if I manage to get back to sleep quickly after the night wake up I might get a full night in total.

@Octavia64 unfortunately on my side there's a history of domestic abuse so I won't leave my daughter alone with my parents, and on his side the grandparents live far away, so this isn't an option.

How old is your daughter? Are you both working? I think going to bed early is the solution and just getting as much sleep as possible but know that at times you will be exhausted.

@tecbrowidow even ill, DH would choose to stay up til about 2am.
The kids are big enough now to know if it involved puke, go to Dad. Otherwise, it's probably me who would wake.

@Unijourney she's 3.5

Tag team.

Work out who is doing what.
We can’t both be off work sick for long periods so it’s up to whoever is the least Ill to go back and leave the other one to it.

We never had anyone who could or be willing to help out. (large families but no one who gave a flying fuck so we were always on our own)

No, he does a lot of childcare, but he's very grumpy about it if I get him to do childcare when he's ill. He also does childcare when I'm ill, but he's very grumpy about that too.

When I'm ill I usually work from home then DH sends me to bed and takes over anything needing done, if I'm too ill to work and I'm off then I generally need to sleep non stop and he does it all and looks after me. If we are both really ill wel just tag team to make sure both of us get some rest.

@ThomasShelbysfagend how do you work out who's doing what? How do you figure out who's most ill?

Tag team, extra hours at nursery (no other childcare here). Take turns for breaks and naps.
if DH is a night owl he does pre midnight stuff, you do post midnight stuff?

We had no help. Literally, no-one to call on for support, we were on our own. Being very aware of this, we just had strategies to manage. When we were both ill, we just had to tag team, rest in different shifts to get through it.
I think you have to be very clear about planning and managing your situation if you had no help, like us.
The problem here is that your DH is "grumpy". He needs to snap out of that and start parenting properly. He's negative and resentful and that's bad for the children..

You both do the best you can. It’s not hard to just help each other is it?

Don’t be afraid to hand the kid a tablet or TV if you are unwell, it won’t ruin her for a day.

If it’s a common cold, it’s not I’ll, paracetamol for a sore throat, lots of fluids and to work we go.

D&V, once 48 hours clear, the house bleached to within an inch of its life, back to work with fluids galore.
Headaches, paracetamol and sleep, other than that we crack on with it all.
Whoever feels better the soonest picks up the lions share.
luckily, we are never what I class as properly unwell.
There’s zero time for exhaustion, we are both tired, constantly and profoundly, we have full time jobs and kids to raise, we cut our cloth accordingly and take it in turns to have a lie in or get up early (4 fucking am when they were tiny some days) copious coffee!
Essentially with no help or support, we just get on with it.

Who is "most ill"? It's not a competition. You each do what you can as decent partners and parents.

Do you think that’s okay? As it’s not.

This ⬆️.
There's a basic problem here that you need to address.

Like everyone else has said, we tag team. And if someone feels better before the other person, they take over. I think this is pretty standard in a healthy, kind, respectful relationship.

As PP have said, we tag team. We 50/50 anyway though, so take turns when they’re little and then when they sleep through we tend to alternate who does bed time etc etc.

Like you, we don’t have anyone we could leave our DDs with, once we were both really sick (vomiting) and we paid one of the girls from nursery to take our DD out for the afternoon. Was great actually, she had a lovely time at the sealife centre and we managed to get some proper rest!