Father of baby has met someone at church

[ThatDenimExpert]

I’m pretty much not with the father of my baby but we live together. We want to be in a relationship but there are issues we need to work on. We both want to stay living in the same household for the baby. I am disabled and just couldn't care for the baby myself and he’s a big help, financially too. He works and I have a chronic health condition which mentally and physically exhausts me and I couldn’t possibly work. We’re both ok with the arrangement.
We aren’t together because shortly after the baby was born, I noticed that one of his female friends was being inappropriate with him. He seemed to be oblivious to it and kept insisting that it wasn’t wrong and he’s allowed friends. This could be because he is autistic so doesn’t pick up on social cues. I asked him how he would feel if a man was doing it to me and he said that’s different. He couldn’t see things from my perspective and It just blew up. It has taken a huge strain on our relationship to the point we might as well not be in one.
we’ve spoken recently about getting back together because we do like each other and he’s been warming up to me and I had so much hope. We’ve been having a lot of conversations to see things from the others perspectives, make changes and start spending more time together.
he accidentally called me another woman’s name which has never happened before and then later on mentioned he was speaking to a woman at church on Sunday about one of his special interests. Now I just feel so deflated because automatically their relationship is going to be more intense than ours and also our own relationship is very fragile.
I don’t want to do the pick me dance but I am worried about my own stability and our relationship

Do you have any family who could help you with the baby? You prob need to move out because you can’t live with your baby’s father if he’s going to be having relationships with other women.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about your future! Sadly it’s not working out right now so you need to figure out if you two are going to start dating and slowing make your way back into a relationship or split up completely.

This isn’t giving him an ultimatum as you two are not currently together but sadly this arrangement isn’t going to work forever.
Either you two take it slow, start dating each other and are exclusive ( not dating/ speaking to anyone else) or you have to figure out a way of living separately. I know you rely heavily on him but if you’re both single, then how would you feel about him bringing dates home?

I understand that financially this situation works and you want the best family home for your child but it will be hard if you two decide to co parent as you’ll need to accept that he will eventually date other people.

He said he didn’t really want to talk about it just wanted things to happen naturally.
I don’t think that’s possible.
he is going out now even though it’s the middle of the night for a run? Who does that. He doesn’t do that. His behaviour is unusual and I feel so uneasy about it all.
My sleep has been affected by this and I’m also considering just letting it go for a peaceful life. I wish I didn’t care.
I’m going to try and relax now to take my mind off it and do something else in the morning that’s not thinking about him

How old is your baby? And how long were you together before you had your child? And how were things then?

I'm asking because I think having a child can put strain on even the strongest of relationships, so if you don't have a lot of experience of dealing with life together before the baby comes along, it can be even harder to adjust to the new challenges as a couple. That doesn't mean it couldn't work. But it would take more time and effort - which it does sound like you have been trying to put in. The trouble is, you would both have to really want it.....

Would you consider relationship counselling? Would he?

It does sound like your grounds for being suspicious in both cases have been quite slight - would you say you have a tendency to be jealous or insecure? That's not a criticism - it's certainly something I have struggled with myself, I think a lot of people so. But again, it is something counselling can help with.....

Tnat would be my first step if I were you. Obviously it would be ideal on many ways if you manage to deal with your differences and stay together - but I would also say, from experience, that it's possible to coparent really well without being a couple, providing you both strive to keep things amicable with the child's needs always paramount for both of you.

One thing I did notice is that you say "we like each other". Not love. If I was counselling you both that is the first thing I would pick up on and explore.

Is there love between you? Has there ever been? And what would things need to look like for you both to feel love for the other.

If there is no love, has never been, and you don't feel love would be possible, better to separate now and find a wag to support each other as coparenrs who both love your shared child.

The baby is under a year old. We didn’t know each other for long before I got pregnant. we were dating so I wanted an abortion, but he begged me not to for religious reasons and he made a lot of promises and said he would be committed to me and build a relationship with me because he was so sure I was the one.
I love my baby, but I regret having them. The situation isn’t what I signed up for.
he told me he sees no reason to have a relationship with me, he has changed his mind because of my moods and he just wants to take it naturally .
there are parts we like about each other but there’s little love. He has been warming up to me a bit more, but he doesn’t see a need to reciprocate or do anything thoughtful for me, so I’m feeling really lonely. I tried talking to him about what we both need from each other, but he feels drained by those conversations. he told me to just tell him what I need from him - which I have been doing and he just forgets or doesn’t prioritise it.
I’ve been suggested counselling for months, but he has been refusing. I think he only sees things from his own perspective.
we aren’t co parenting well even living in the same house. We just seem to have completely different ideas on everything, especially to do with the baby, so we
argue almost daily which makes him want to avoid me

You’re not a good match. Move out. If you need help go to women’s aid, your local council and/or your church. Set up a contact arrangement and coparent as amicably as possible.

You are wanting more than he will offer, there is no relationship. Do you go to church? Can you find alternative support with your dc and disabilities?

This is bonkers, either you live together and are in a relationship, or one of you moves out and you co-parent. Who have you got in your life to support you in splitting up?

I agree. The whole set up is bizarre and doesnt seem to be working. Maybe it's time for you to both move on and build your lives without each other.

I’m sorry to say but he doesn’t sound interested anymore. It seems like, if it wasn’t for your baby, then you two probably would have fully separated and cut all contact.

Do you have any family close by to support you raising your child? If so then I would suggest moving out. You two are not co-parenting well and really your child needs to come first. If you have some time apart then you can work together to decide how to raise your child but in two separate loving homes.

I know you care for him and want to be with him but at some point you need to prioritise yourself and your child and see that he isn’t giving you what you need and it’s upsetting you more trying to adapt yourself to suit what he wants.

Nothing will come from this setup except heartache.

I’m so angry with him. I didn’t want a baby with him at first, he begged me to keep them, and now we have a family together he’s decided he doesn’t really want to engage/be involved. He almost always finds an excuse and prefers to be in his own world. He pays for everything, but he just exists in the house. He sometimes works night shifts from home, but he’s almost always on his computer or Xbox. My family are too busy or have health issues and can’t help day to day. So I am stuck in this situation, living with him. I lived here first and he moved in, so if anything he would be the one moving out but he wants to stay looking like a family but technically broken up. I also feel like he is keeping me on a back burner because he keeps changing his mind about wether or not he wants me and sometimes makes good changes but usually just reverts to his ways.
I think I need to get out more

You need to chuck him out of your house.

Ok op but you can't base your financial stability on a man.

Let alone one who is a wanker. He knows fine his behaviour is rank rotten. He uses autism as an excuse to talk about other women Infront of you. And you use it to pretend to yourself he's not a total asshole. But he is.

Get him gone and claim child support and either get on the dole until you find a job you can do or sign on the sick. Stop letting some wanker govern the path of your life.

Can’t believe that you thought it was a good idea to have a baby when you have chronic health issues which appear to massively impact your ability to care for a baby, or work. Might sound harsh, but I just don’t understand the rationale behind these sort of decisions. Having a baby and being able to support yourself, and care for the baby, is a huge commitment, not something which should be done on a whim.

What a mess.
You didn't put him on the birth certificate did you.

Do you think you might wish to give the baby up for adoption ?

He promised he would support me and the baby which he is doing, but he’s broken his promise to have a relationship with me. He even said he would marry me to give us stability, then decided it would be too expensive so that never came about. He is nothing like the man he told me he was in the beginning. I think he was masking. I wanted the same opportunity as anyone else to have children and it felt like my chance. I beat myself up about the decision I made enough. Yes he’s on the birth certificate.

I think a lot of people say things in the beginning of a relationship because they are in the lust/ limerence zone so he says all these things but once you’ve been together for a while, you get to know the person and realise it’s maybe not what you want.

A baby complicates even the strongest of relationships so not being together for very long, you didn’t really get the chance to get to know each other single and care free before having a life changing event happen.

I think you need to stop focussing on what he’s promised you and start focussing on creating a life for yourself.

How were you supporting yourself before he moved in? It’s your place, tell him to move out and you’ll have to find a way to manage with the baby without him. Is he employed or self employed? Find out how much you’ll get in child support. Talk to your health visitor about accessing help for parenting with your health conditions.

The whole thing is a total mess. You’re not still having sex with him are you?

It’s not great your family can’t support you much and you were led up the garden path by a twat but you’re an adult who decided to become a mum, you owe it to your baby to give it the best life you can. You can’t rely on this man, he’s not going to be who you want him to be. Adoption is an option. Hopefully home start is an option. You need to be cold headed and practical about how you’re going to cope.

He told you what you wanted to hear but his a tions say otherwise. Start planning a future without him.

'He even said he would marry me to give us stability, then decided it would be too expensive '

so between the two of you, a registrar office wedding cannot be afforded ?

it doesn't have to be a big expensive fancy wedding day,
it can be a marriage. two people taking their wows, and making the relationship legal.

It’s not suitable for everyone to have children though. At least not until they get themselves into a better position. It’s a massive undertaking bringing a new life into this world and I wish people would think more carefully about it for the sake of their future kids

The fact is this man only talked about marriage. He didn’t actually do it. it doesn’t cost much to go get a marriage certificate - a big reception can obviously be held at a later date but it’s not necessary.

The fact he didn’t move forward with the marriage should have been your sign to not have this child, given you’re so dependent on him.

It’s done now but it’s worth bearing in mind for next time he decides he wants you to have a second child or some other man comes along.

Judge a man by his actions, not his words.

I’d forget about having a relationship with him, you don’t sound compatible at all.

For now, I’d try to coexist as friends while you look into your options for being a single parent. I think that you need to work
out how to be financially independent from him as you were previously and then ask him to move out. He can still have contact with your child and pay child support if it’s not a 50/50 split.

Sadly you're not compatible long term - he's not listening to your pick me dance and it sounds like he's found someone else. Running in the middle of the night! 🤔

He needs to move out and you need to focus on your baby and sort out your financial situation. What job were you doing before you had your baby? If he has the baby 50/50 with you could you go back to it?

I know this is going to go against the grain and probably every bone in your body, but you know what? I would not take that baby with you.
He basically tricked you into having it, you’ve got your own problems and your own limitations in life, including Financial
He wanted the baby let him bloody bear responsibility for it with the new chick
And you visit every other weekend and be a Disney Mum and have a wonderful time with your child and never say no to anything
Why shouldn’t you have the fun?