Father of baby has met someone at church

[ThatDenimExpert]

I’m pretty much not with the father of my baby but we live together. We want to be in a relationship but there are issues we need to work on. We both want to stay living in the same household for the baby. I am disabled and just couldn't care for the baby myself and he’s a big help, financially too. He works and I have a chronic health condition which mentally and physically exhausts me and I couldn’t possibly work. We’re both ok with the arrangement.
We aren’t together because shortly after the baby was born, I noticed that one of his female friends was being inappropriate with him. He seemed to be oblivious to it and kept insisting that it wasn’t wrong and he’s allowed friends. This could be because he is autistic so doesn’t pick up on social cues. I asked him how he would feel if a man was doing it to me and he said that’s different. He couldn’t see things from my perspective and It just blew up. It has taken a huge strain on our relationship to the point we might as well not be in one.
we’ve spoken recently about getting back together because we do like each other and he’s been warming up to me and I had so much hope. We’ve been having a lot of conversations to see things from the others perspectives, make changes and start spending more time together.
he accidentally called me another woman’s name which has never happened before and then later on mentioned he was speaking to a woman at church on Sunday about one of his special interests. Now I just feel so deflated because automatically their relationship is going to be more intense than ours and also our own relationship is very fragile.
I don’t want to do the pick me dance but I am worried about my own stability and our relationship

That's exactly what I was thinking too. Would you rather give him custody and get back on your feet instead?

It’s my biggest regret, When my ex decided that he could no longer love me in the way that I deserved I wish I’d said yeah you’re right mate moved into a nice one bedroom flat with a pool.

Put my pedal to the metal with my career, I would’ve happily paid out child-support and spent the rest of my money ensuring my children had an amazing life.
As opposed to taking them from a middle class lifestyle to absolute poverty and having to fight for every single Penny, 10% of his pre-tax income didn’t even feed them.
And they aren’t grateful to be honest why should they be?

But they don’t look back and say Mum thanks for going without to feed us cause that Cunt wouldn’t pay up.

OP you have three choices -

1. tell him to leave and you work out how to parent alone (see what benefits you are entitled to, speak to social services about any support available given your health issues.)
2. you leave him with your child and have the level of access /visits you can cope with physically.
3. stay and put up with him having multiple other relationships, which is ok because even though he expects you to act like his wife, you aren’t his wife so you don’t get to complain, but you won’t have the opportunity to meet someone else.

realistically, one or two are your options. Three will break you.

You also need to take responsibility for your part in the decision making.

Yes, he begged you to keep the baby but you have a mind of your own and need to consider the implications of any decision you make on you and your life.

The situation you describe is untenable in the long term anyway and, tbh, this just sounds like another example of people who just didn't know each other very well getting caught up with the idea of 'having a baby' and who are only now realising this is it all day, every day for the rest of your lives.

Well, yours, as a man he is free to walk away at anytime without any responsibility.

Profpudding ❤️ great suggestion!

Ok OP, I say this with as much kindness as possible although I realise that it might seem harsh. I’m just trying to lay out your options for you.

1. Go forward as a single parent. Speak to a professional advisor who can tell you what benefits your might be entitled to, how you can get him out of your house, what services are available to you to help you parent with your disabilities and health issues, i.e. social services.
2. Consider adoption if you do not want to continue as a single parent. Either by signing your parental rights over to your ex and handing the child over to him full time or by contacting an adoption service and finding out more about the process. If you were going to adopt your child you would probably need your ex’s permission to do so as he has parental rights being on the birth certificate.
3. Consider foster care support until you can get yourself sorted and able to have your child back full time. This can be respite care or full time temporary placement whilst you get on your feet.

Whatever you do, you need to realise that the father is NOT going to emotionally support you. He is currently financially supporting you so get that out in writing or go through the CMS to make it formal. This way he can’t just stop financially supporting you, especially when you make him leave your home. He won’t marry you, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want to be with you. You need to accept that and start making plans about how you move forward. You’re just prolonging the issue and bad feeling by focusing on what he’s doing or not doing. Focus on you, the future you want and what you need to provide to ensure your child is raised safely.

I think you need to stop thinking about how you got to where you are and instead look at what steps you can make moving forward for the benefit of yourself and your child.

Promising a relationship if you keep a baby is not reality. People marry and make legal commitments to each other and divorce so the assumption that someone will keep a promise for a child just won't wash.
Promises are just words and are based on a single moment. Life then happens and you cant predict how that will impact.
Did his actions prior to getting pregnant make you feel this was long term?

From what you say about your relationship, I wouldn't advise investing any more time and effort. Look at what options you may have work wise, how does your illness impact different tasks, what tasks can you do well and can you be paid to do them. What support is available for you etc
Be realistic and factual as if he stays and "commits" for now, he's unlikely to stay forever and you may be more tied to him both emotionally and financially and end up with less. He may resent you for making him choose you and that will destroy anything you have.
Think about how you move forwards just you and your child. It will be hard, but in time you will be fully in control and may find happiness elsewhere with someone deserving.

To be fair, you can't promise anyone a relationship. It's never owed. You can break with anyone for any reason at any time. If he didn't even marry you before the child then his pretty, perfumed little commitment words - meant nothing.

But, shit happens. Now you have to find a way forwards - without this sorry excuse for a man in your home.

Also, baby wise, I'd just give him primary custody and go do your own thing tbf. Plenty of men are Disney dads. Be a Disney mum. Better that than the child growing up feeling resented. You only have one life, start advocacting for yourself.

It’s not an easy decision. I’m having a lot of conflicting thoughts. I’m not going to decide right now. I need to think about it.

do give it thought. Think through your options - stay (putting up with him dating others), throw him out, go without baby. Those are really the only options for you, but given you got talked into having this baby against your instincts, make sure you actually make an active choice. Don’t just stay and put up with it because doing nothing is easier than dealing with it (even if long term doing something will lead to you being happier). Make sure if you stay, it’s a conscious choice having weighed up all your options and decided it’s the best for you. Don’t drift and don’t let him make choices for you.

That is completely irrelevant as the baby is here, a fact. The OP can't go back in time even if she wanted so what was the point of your post?