Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Is a vasectomy a joint decision?

48 replies

cardy · 21/05/2008 09:46

Dh has been talking about having a vasectomy on and off for a couple of years now. I am not convinced its the right thing to do. Although I don't think I want any more children I don't like the choice being taken away from me. Dh is adament that we shouldn't have any more.

Anyway, after quite a heated debate, brought on by my period being late, he said he's going to have a vasecetomy regardless of what I think. We mainly rely on condoms at the moment...however we are sometime just 'careful'. I have tried various other forms of contraceptives none of which I have been happy with.

I am not sure how strongly I should stand my ground or whether he should just do what he wants.

OP posts:

NotABanana · 21/05/2008 09:48

Yes.

But "being careful" is not the way to go so he needs to wear a condon, get the snip or let you try for another baby. I suspect the times when you are "being careful" you are secretly hoping for a baby.

My DH has had the snip. I wasn't 100% happy in my heart but in my head I knew it was for the best.

Oliveoil · 21/05/2008 09:50

oh I wish dh would have the snip

he doesn't want to and it is his body so I just moan on every now and then and hope he will change his mind

however, if I still was unsure if I wanted anymore children I think I would be a bit upset with him having one 'regardless of what I think'

does he think that you may 'trap' him on purpose?

MrsCarrot · 21/05/2008 09:53

I think it should be yes

Dh was going to have one, then I had to have a hysterectomy and one night I turned to him and said, you don't have to do that now and he said,
no, bonus.

I said well you can have one anyway, it's only fair.

Lulumama · 21/05/2008 09:54

i think it has to be a joint decision. the fact that you are not always using contraception might mean something? or not. 'being careful' which i presume you mean withdrawal method is not safe, it is not contraception. how would he feel if you were pregnant?

going from vasectomy to 'being careful' seems a big jump.

what about a coil for you? very, very effective, but reversible

how old are you both? i thikn that is an important consideration.

Original poster

cardy · 21/05/2008 09:55

I don't think he would go as far as thinking I would secretly put pin holes in the condoms!! The 'being careful' lies with him doesn't it and he don't want to have that risk (nor does he especailly like condoms).

In my heart if hearts I know that having another child wouldn't be right...I just don't like to think that that is it and I will never have a choice.

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 21/05/2008 09:55

Yes it's a joint decision, but the buck probably does stop with the man as he's the one who has to have the op. Me and dp are still having a debate around his... though I WANT hime to.

He's been to doc for an initial chat, on his own. I was q. peeved because by the sound of it, the (male) doc almost tried to talk him out of it, saying what if we split up and he wanted more kids with someone else. I know, I know they probably have to. But... I wish I'd gone along now.

He'll be getting a letter of referral apparently and then he'll have to decide if he really wants to take it further.

It sounds like quite a drawn out process, so you probably will have more time to think it all through.

belgo · 21/05/2008 09:57

Cardy - difficult decision. I can understand both of your points of view.

If you don't find a suitable form of contraception, I don't think it's unreasonable of him to want a vasectomy. In fact, I think it's quite a sensible, responsible decision for him to make.

PuppyMonkey · 21/05/2008 09:57

Oh yes, we used that "being careful" method really successfully for five years.

Then we had DD2 just over a year ago...

NotABanana · 21/05/2008 10:08

It can be quick. 3 months from GP appointment to snip for my husband.

themildmanneredjanitor · 21/05/2008 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

cardy · 21/05/2008 10:32

I know 'being careful' will could very well fail in the end...however so far it hasn't and the 2 dds we have were very much planned. In fact they were both concieved with in two months of trying so our joint fertility must be OK...an indication that we ought to be more sensible!

I also think that we we wait a few more years I'll be 40 and then I'll know I definatly don't want any more....won't I?

DH must feel quite strongly about this, he it usually steers clear of all thing medical.

OP posts:

Threadwworm · 21/05/2008 10:35

Agree that it has to be a joint decision, in the sense that you need to discuss it fully and be sensitive to one another's needs. But it is his body, and ultimately it has to be his choice, doesn't it? And if he is adamant he doesn't want to be a father again then that has to be his choice too.

Original poster

cardy · 21/05/2008 10:36

This that so MMJ, I didn't know that.

I am 38. He's 42.

I've never tried the coil. It would have to be the non-hormone one - would you recommend it? I guess I could do that for a couple of years then review the vasecetomy.

OP posts:

purpleduck · 21/05/2008 10:36

Cardy
We were in a similar situation. My dh was adamant, and I just wasn't sure.

In the end i decided that it would not be fun to have another child with someone who REALLY didn't want it. I didn't want to be in a situation where I got pg, and he was pissed off for like, the rest of time about it.

Its a few years later, and I do get a bit broody, but it was the right choice.

Also, I do think its his body, so his choice. I know if I didn't want anymore, I would be upset if dh tried to take the choice away.

NotABanana · 21/05/2008 10:43

BTW Our GP referred and snipped my hubby without ever seeing me.

sunnydelight · 21/05/2008 10:54

I'm one of four friends who had unplanned pregnancies between ages 39 and 42. Apparently your body often does a bit of a "last chance" surge so if you are not totally committed to the possibility of having another child I think vasectomy is a sensible option. Yes, it is a bit strange and a little bit sad to have the choice taken away, but it is also liberating. Sex for the hell of it can be quite fun

KatieDD · 21/05/2008 11:06

Oh god, we are currently on the verge of splitting up because DH had one 4 years ago without consulting me and I want another baby.
My argument is that if I got pregnant and had an abortion it would of course be my choice at the end of the day but no way would he stay with me if i'd disregarded his feelings like that.
I think unless you are 100% sure then you should adopt a belt and braces approach to contraception, make sure no accidents happen and keep talking.

expatinscotland · 21/05/2008 11:14

NO, it is NOT a joint decision anymore than it's his choice to decide what if any contraception you use and how many children you have.

It's nice if it is a joint decision, but at the end of the day, it is his body and therefore his choice on what to do with it.

I'm shocked that a doctor won't allow a person, who happens to be a man, do what he wants with his body.

If this were a woman posting that her husband were putting pressure on her to have more children that she didn't want, people would be appalled. Or a woman saying she wanted to be sterlised but her husband said no and because of that the doctor denied her the right to do what she wanted with her body. There'd be flames coming off the thread.

If people have a right to do what they please with their body then that needs to extend to everyone, not just women.

TattooedGrrrl · 21/05/2008 11:14

I do see both sides, but if he doesn't want anymore children, he's already taking the choice away from you, IYSWIM. He doesn't want any more, and it's his body.

My DH and i both discussed him having it, i even offered to be sterilised if he didn't want the snip, but he's having it in Sept. And i haven't been asked for my opinion or approval by any doctors or consultants. I don't think the consultant even asked him how many kids he has

doggiesayswoof · 21/05/2008 11:21

Agree 100% with expat.

however, if he is adamant that he doesn't want any more, why on earth is he risking getting you pg by just 'being careful'?

Would you be the one to blame, in his eyes, if you did fall pg? that doesn't sound fair or pleasant for you.

doggiesayswoof · 21/05/2008 11:24

Don't think that wives should be consulted by doctors either.

How would we feel if a woman had to have the say so of her husband to be sterilised?

NotABanana · 21/05/2008 11:24

I offered to be sterilised as it is me that shouldn't have any more children, no reason my husband couldn't if I died and he met someone else. He went ahead and had the snip over 12 months ago.

PuppyMonkey · 21/05/2008 12:14

My sister had a coil fitted.

She got pregnant too.

Blandmum · 21/05/2008 12:21

Legaly there is no requirement for a partners consent.

It think it is probably better if both people agree, but it doesn't have to happen.

Original poster

cardy · 21/05/2008 12:33

This is all very interesting. I know we are both being irresponsible re. contraception, however if I did get pg I wouldn't be a desvestated as dh. I think he's just being naive - we've got away with for many years and just the two dc that we planned etc.etc.

From my point of view I don't want there to be no choice ever again....although I am 99% sure I don't wamt more children. I think I have a more emotional reaction to it than practical.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2