Is a vasectomy a joint decision?

[cardy]

Dh has been talking about having a vasectomy on and off for a couple of years now. I am not convinced its the right thing to do. Although I don't think I want any more children I don't like the choice being taken away from me. Dh is adament that we shouldn't have any more.

Anyway, after quite a heated debate, brought on by my period being late, he said he's going to have a vasecetomy regardless of what I think. We mainly rely on condoms at the moment...however we are sometime just 'careful'. I have tried various other forms of contraceptives none of which I have been happy with.

I am not sure how strongly I should stand my ground or whether he should just do what he wants.

I was/am the same.

I was exactly like you.

We were careful for 5 years.

Then I got a job I loved, told DH to go ahead and book the snip. It took him 3 months to get around to booking it. 2 weeks before the op I got pregnant.

Everything's fine now, we all adore DS2. But it was a BIG shock at the time and we both blamed each other.

The bit that's relevant to you may be that he felt that it had all been about me, ie I hadn't wanted him to have a vasectomy because it didn't suit me, then as soon as I'd got a job I said: right, off you go then. He felt that I didn't take his strong feelings that he didn't want another child enough into account. I think he's right.

It's much more reasonable for him to want the snip than to request that you get it IMO.

You can still have more children, just not with him.

OOh thats a difficult one because one could argue that many men tell their wives they want no more children and then wife gets pregnant again - where is the joint decision in that ?

I understand both sides and I have to say, if you don't want anymore I would just agree with hubby and have the vesectomy.

Good luck with whatever you choose....

I don't know.

Yes ideally it would be, but in the end it's his body and he has the ultimate right to do with it as he wishes. Just as a woman has. But I imagine it would be a bit difficult if he just went ahead without your agreement.

Dh got his quickly without the Gp talking to me at all. My colleague didn't. I think it depends on the GP and your age - DH was 41 when he had his, I was 38.

I think it's a joint decision in much the same way as abortion, ie you both discuss it and air your views and have a right to do so, but ultimately it is his body (just as it would be the woman's in the case of pregnancy) and so his decision.

I'm starting to think that the sensible thing would be to just agree and get it over with. I don't want it to become a massive issue between us and I am 99% sure I don't want any more children, i just don't like the idea of it being that final. He knows what the answer would be if he asked me to get it!!

I know I'm lucky in a way - some of my friends would love their dh to have the snip but they just won't do it.

he can do it whether you agree or not, but maybe talk over your fears with a counsellor would help.

Very much a joint decision here.
There is much to be said for looking around at your completed family, then looking to the future.
I would rather be in your situation than having to deal with one of those namby-pamby 'men' who won't consider having their crown jewels dealt with but it's OK for their partner to have another c-section, 7 stitches etc etc.
My experience of vasectomised man is - lovely!

I kno, but a) I don't really think he would and b) I don't want it to be something that is always between us. I just want to come to some sort of agreement.

e.g I'll try the coil for a couple of years then we can talk about it again. I might feel differently when I'm in my 40s??

Thoese with 'vasectomised men' do they get man-flu when they have it done and take to their beds for six weeks?

I think if you are adamant you don't want him to have a vasectomy, and he is adamant that he does (and I agree with other posters that it is ultimately his choice, not yours), then you need to consider the consequences of failed contraception and pregnancy on your marriage. You say your late period brought matters to a head. To me that suggests that there would be serious issues to address were you to get pregnant again.

Thoese with 'vasectomised men' do they get man-flu when they have it done and take to their beds for six weeks?

Oh yes, three days bed rest !

No one in my family puts up with a man with manflu, tbh.

My BIL had his on Friday afternoon and on Sunday he drove 200 miles to another city.

When my dad and FIL had theirs it was the older method, which was more invasive, but they were up and about in about a week.

friend at work had one and he walked like john Wayne for about 2 weeks!

We talked about it a lot after ds (dc2) who was very planned but I was also very ill when I had him (kidney problems in pg plus severe PND).

I just wasn't sure enough so I had mirena fittted after the birth. I was 'lucky' enough to be the only reported failure of the mirena in 2003, and we also have dd2. I was seriously ill while pg with her and spent 2/9 months in hospital.

DH went to doc about vasectomy and they agreed (with his verbal statement that I was happy with it) to do his vasectomy during my pregnancy as I would have risked need for kidney transplant with another pregnancy. I also agreed to be sterilised myself (belt AND braces!) if I had a CS, but int he end didnt cos she was a natural delivery.

Have never regretted it for a minute. There is a little bit of me sad that my child bearing, rather than child rearing, days are over, especially as dd2 is soon to start school. But the freedom of the vasectomy has been amazing - sex is much better than before! In fact, it all hit me when dd2 stopped bf age 22 months - then I knew I woul dneve rdo that again, and while pg was something I hated, I loved bf, and the end of that was much harder to come to terms with.

ps the biggest issue for dh was that the night of the op, when he got home (lift from neighbour), dd1 and ds ran to say hello, shouting 'Daddy!!!" - and at what height were their hands??

Owwwwwchhh!

No man flu here! DH had his snip when DD was 2 weeks old. His opening statement afterwards was "I guess there's no point in my talking about pain after what you've just been through". Damn right

My DH has had the snip and for us it was a joint decision.

We agreed we only wanted 2 children and when ds2 was 17 months DH had the snip aged 32. I wasn't at the docs when he went for the intial appointment and he was referred there and then after a chat.

We went to the snip appointment together and although he was sore for a few days afterwards he was back at work soon after.

If I had had my tubes tied the only way to tell if the op had failed would be when I found out I was pregnant, failure rate for that op is 1 in 200. However with a vasectomy the failure rate is 1 in 2000 and there are easy ways to test for any swimmers.

I found it hard to accept that I wasn't going to have any more babies with the man I loved. But I know that I am happy with the 2 beautiful sons I have as is my DH. It wouldn't have been the end of the world if I had become pregnant but we were taking massive precautions to prevent it.

I personally think if you were to get pregnant it would be an issue with you and your DH. I think there would be blame and finger pointing.

I think for me the fact that my DH was willing to choose to have the snip and therefore theoretically no more children with anyone it was incredibly flattering.

First off:

"what about a coil for you? very, very effective, but reversible"

For me this is a load of rubbish.

I had a pregnancy scare due to my body trying to expell a coil - and we were both so appalled at the prospect of having an unplanned child that we decided that my DH would have a vasectomy. Luckily for us the coil did eventually do it's job and the fertilised egg didn't implant although it had done enough to start my body secreting pregnancy hormones which were picked up on a PG test.

I agree totally with ExpatinScotland that it is up to a man if he decides to have a vasectomy.

Granted, if his decision flies in the face of the wishes of his partner that is likely to cause a problem which will have to be addressed as a couple. However, I don't think that should detract from the fact that it's his body and his decision.

Actually Cardy, you have asked whether the decsion to have a vasectomy is a joint decision well, what about the decision to have a child? You say that you would't be overly bothered if you fell pregnant but what about your DH's wishes? When a woman actually falls pregnant you are no longer talking about it in the abstract and if you then decide that you want to go ahead with the pregnancy then where does that leave him? Where is your respect for his wishes?

If you have 2 children and he's happy to stop there why should you stand in his way of doing what he wants with his body?

After all, it's not like you haven't got any children at all is it?

In my view, the decsiion about whether to have more children is not something that can be compromised or bargained over - it's not like if I promise to never make you do the dishes again will you let me have a baby? It is just something too huge and personally I think it's morally wrong to try and coax someone into it, or to put pressure on them to say yes to it. People should only plan to have children if they're both totally committed to the idea 100%.

Oh, and finally, to the person who asked about vasectomised me and "man flu" I can say that my DH just got on with it and didn't fuss at all. He said teh procedure was painless and complied with all the pre-op care advice. He took a couple of days off work and had to lie flat for a day or two so as not to induce swelling and he had to wear tight pants too (!!). After that he went back to work and didn't really make much mention of it again.

I think if you've got the sort of man who routinely fusses about the merest thing you'll find he'll milk a vasectomy for all it's worth. Thank god I haven't got one of those. I'm the only one who's allowed to act the dying swan in this house!!!

As soon as we found out I was expecting number 3 (surprise), Dh booked in for the snip. I love babies and would have loads, but my body has had it, and all mine get really bad jaundice and are in hospital for at least 2 weeks after birth...for our sanity another was not an option! We talked about it and went through all the options, but he felt that as I was having my 2nd cs, and had had a 3rd degree tear with our first, it was time he stepped up to the mark.
In the end it got done when littlest manky was about 7 mths old.
I did feel sorry for him because apparently they had problems locating the tubes as they retracted , and they had to rummage and tug more that was normal. He ended up with two hernias as a result of the op, so had to have 2 more ops! It also took 9 months to get the all clear on his samples.

In the end. his body and his choice.

Just a word about 'being careful'. Ds1 took over 18 months to be conceived and ds2 took nearly a year. Consciously trying to conceive.

Currently pregnant with ds3 - who was conceived by 1 occasion using a condom (well, that is the only time that we think is possible!!!). Your 'luck' will eventually run out....