What to do for best?

[Wingingitmama92]

So quick back story, I was with my ex for 9 years, engaged. The wedding was cancelled because of Covid. So we decided to have a baby instead of the wedding.
when our son was 6 months old he left me, said I made him so unhappy he wanted to kill himself and he would never ever regret his decision even tho I explained everything he was walking away from. (He left me a few years prior to that but within a few days realised he’d makes a mistake)
He had also told my sister he has a crush on her not long before he left me which my family didn’t tell me till last year as they didn’t want to hurt me

Anyways 3 years down the line I’m with someone else, and my ex was with someone, moved in with her and then they broke up and he’s moved back near us on his own.
we co parent really well, he’s a good dad and we do get on.
so the problem is, he is constantly making comments about us getting back together. But he also made these comment when he was with his ex and said he would leave her in a heartbeat for me
I love my bf I’m with now, he’s extremely good to me, shows me so much love and care. Puts me first. Makes me feel wanted.
but deep down I can’t help but crave the family I wanted so badly. If I wanted to break up with my current bf and go back I could, I’m not financially tied or anything like that but there’s something stopping me.
I don’t want to risk losing my bf and make the biggest mistake by going back to my ex just for him to leave us again.
my son now 3.5 makes comments like I miss my daddy etc and he breaks my heart because it’s never the life I wanted for him. I wanted a family unit.
recently I’m so broody and I just keep thinking if I had a baby with my current bf I would completely ruin the chances of ever being with my ex in the future.
is this normal to feel like this?
sometimes I hear certain songs and it makes me think of my ex and I want to just cry.
I met my current bf only 8 months after my ex left which I know some people will say I didn’t give myself time to heal but if I still feel like this 3 years down the line am I ever going to heal?
I envy people who hate their exs, I feel my life would be so much easier if I hated him. But I’m just not that kind of person.
People tell me I should never look back, even my family tell me that.
is there anyone out there who’s been in the same situation?
thanks for reading and please be kind, I am very fragile at the moment

Do not go back to your ex he will just explode your life again and it will be so much worse than last time and worse for your dc
he doesn’t deserve you

You do have a family unit. You have your boyfriend and your child. It might not be the one you imagined but it sounds like he’s far nicer, kinder and reliable to you than your ex.

He’s left you twice and made a pass at your sister. That’s the reality of who he is, he blew
up your life and he hasn’t changed. Don’t throw away someone who makes you happy for a fantasy. He’s just found himself on his own after the life he broke your heart to pursue didn’t pan out and is looking to go back to where it’s comfortable.

If you went back to your ex it would only be a matter of time before he walked out on you again.
And how would you feel when he and your sister met up given he also had feelings for her.?
It sounds as though you are imagining the grass being greener with your ex rather than appreciating what you have with your current b/f. The reality of life if you went back to someone so unreliable would be very very different.

He's an ex for a reason.

Are you hoping for third time lucky?He will get bored and be off again,remember he left when your baby was 6 months old.

@BlahBlahBittyBlah I couldn’t agree more, I feel like I need to hear this to know I’m making the right decision. He tells me he’s changed and I think the problem is I feel sorry for him. I guess it’s because im a good person 🤷🏻‍♀️

He hasn’t changed
they never do

@RealEagle this is what I keep telling myself, if he can leave when our son was 6 months old he can leave me again. It’s just the not knowing if it would ever work again

He has to live with the consequences of his actions, don’t feel sorry for him. How sorry was he when he left you with a 6 month old baby?

@sameshizz
this is what i need to hear, he really doesn’t deserve me, we had a great life together, I supported him through uni when he was 30 and I think that’s why he left me, got interest from younger girls at uni and didn’t want the older new mum he had at home 😢

No doubt this other woman dumped him for his arsehole behaviour and if she hadn’t he wouldn’t be sniffing around you again . He sounds bloody awful .

@BlahBlahBittyBlah yeah he totally broke my heart, more then I could ever imagine explain. I was left to do most of it by myself. I feel like I was hurting so much I can’t remember my son growing up, I feel robbed of that.
Im not sure my heart will ever mend

Don't go back to your ex. He left you when your child was 6 months old, and didn't look back. He only 'wants' you now, because he's on his own, and you're settled. It would be an incredible ego boost to him, if you left your current partner and went back to him. He would know that even though he left you with a 6 month old child, you would be prepared to tolerate any shit he threw at you. He would leave you and more importantly the child you share again, as soon as someone else he prefers comes along. Of course your child misses Dad, that's natural, but that's not a reason to go back to a man, who destroyed you, and left you literally holding the baby. You owe it to your son to protect him from being emotionally hurt by his Dad, and that means co-parenting, rather than as a family unit. Your ex is your son's family, but he's not yours, because you deserve better than the scraps your ex would give you. I would recommend you seeking some therapy, to understand why you feel the way you do, and to raise your self-esteem, and to see that you are worth more.

Never go back. He says he has changed now but has he? He was telling you he wanted to be with you when he had a girlfriend. You can frame it as he was so in love with you, or you can see the reality. He has no loyalty and cannot be faithful. His actions with your sister prove that He is selfish and his needs will always come first. He has proven incapable of staying when times are hard so he doesn’t get the good times either.

I understand it must be difficult when you hear your child misses his daddy but the reality is he has never known any different. I would be considering if your ex is putting these ideas into his head and moaning about how much he misses him and wishes you could be a family. It’s just to manipulate you. Don’t fall for it. If he really cared about what was best for your DC he wouldn’t have walked out on him as a baby.

@Sassybooklover Thankyou, I really needed to hear this.
i do need to protect my son, you are completely right. I have been thinking about therapy recently as that could really help.

@OchreRaven oh he’s definitely selfish, his brother is exactly the same, leave his wife all the time and she stupidly takes him back saying it’s because of his mental health.
Thankyou for your reply tho, it really does help.
I think he’s damaged me in more ways then 1 and I need to realise I deserve better

He isn't serious. Making comments to your ex that you'd leave your current gf for her is not something a decent man or partner would do. Dropping hints to the mother of your child about how maybe we'd give it another go - also weak as fuck

This guy already left your son once, don't give him the chance to leave him twice.

Bet he's one of those who breaks up with her on the Friday, has a night out then reconciled by Sunday.

Totally pathetic men.

I’ll tell you a story op

i threw my raging alcohol exh out and he kept wanting to come back , even after he got with someone else a year later . 1.5 years after we split something switched in me, I think like you , that panic to be a ‘proper family’. He told me he stopped drinking and tbh I had myself believing that no one else would put up with what I did so it must be true. So he dumped her and came home, the next day (which also happened to be our wedding anniversary) he dumped me and she took him right back , a few months later he lost his driving license getting the longest ban and highest fine you can get without killing someone , then he went to work drunk and lost his job . He’s an absolute mess now and she still married him .

don’t be me (or her)

they do not change

Seriously, don’t go back. Sounds like your new bf is kind and caring, and isn’t likely to walk out on you. Yes you could have another baby, and the family set up that you dream of. But then he could just as easily walk out again. Don’t let him do this to you again.

OP , don’t go back ..
You’ll be going 100 steps backwards..
You’re feeling like this cause you are broody & he is your son’s dad afterall ..
You said yourself you’re with a good man now ..
Stay with him x x

You seem to be co-parenting quite satisfactorily. Should you take him back,it will hurt your little boy far more when he leaves again, and he will leave again.

He's single and probably is looking for a warm bed. You'd be an idiot to take him back.

Does no one feel bad for the current partner? This is unfair on him. I’d be distraught if my partner of 3 years felt this way about an ex and it’s very harsh to keep him around just because he’s a good guy.

You won't get what you need from him OP. It seems he's searching for a particular high he can only get by behaving in a shit way. A dopemime thing, I dunno, leaving you, trying it on with your sister, leaving you again, trying to cheat on his gf, trying to split you and your bloke up. It'll be fine for a while but he'll get bored and end up hurting your kid as well as you. Don't do it to the bairn.