What to do for best?

[Wingingitmama92]

So quick back story, I was with my ex for 9 years, engaged. The wedding was cancelled because of Covid. So we decided to have a baby instead of the wedding.
when our son was 6 months old he left me, said I made him so unhappy he wanted to kill himself and he would never ever regret his decision even tho I explained everything he was walking away from. (He left me a few years prior to that but within a few days realised he’d makes a mistake)
He had also told my sister he has a crush on her not long before he left me which my family didn’t tell me till last year as they didn’t want to hurt me

Anyways 3 years down the line I’m with someone else, and my ex was with someone, moved in with her and then they broke up and he’s moved back near us on his own.
we co parent really well, he’s a good dad and we do get on.
so the problem is, he is constantly making comments about us getting back together. But he also made these comment when he was with his ex and said he would leave her in a heartbeat for me
I love my bf I’m with now, he’s extremely good to me, shows me so much love and care. Puts me first. Makes me feel wanted.
but deep down I can’t help but crave the family I wanted so badly. If I wanted to break up with my current bf and go back I could, I’m not financially tied or anything like that but there’s something stopping me.
I don’t want to risk losing my bf and make the biggest mistake by going back to my ex just for him to leave us again.
my son now 3.5 makes comments like I miss my daddy etc and he breaks my heart because it’s never the life I wanted for him. I wanted a family unit.
recently I’m so broody and I just keep thinking if I had a baby with my current bf I would completely ruin the chances of ever being with my ex in the future.
is this normal to feel like this?
sometimes I hear certain songs and it makes me think of my ex and I want to just cry.
I met my current bf only 8 months after my ex left which I know some people will say I didn’t give myself time to heal but if I still feel like this 3 years down the line am I ever going to heal?
I envy people who hate their exs, I feel my life would be so much easier if I hated him. But I’m just not that kind of person.
People tell me I should never look back, even my family tell me that.
is there anyone out there who’s been in the same situation?
thanks for reading and please be kind, I am very fragile at the moment

It’s a game to men like him

Don’t even consider going back.

You have happiness now. You will regret leaving your current partner just to ‘satisfy’ his needs - he walked out on you and his son when he was 6 months old.
He is a coward.

@gemstone87 im not keeping him around just because he’s a “good guy”

he knows how much I struggle and how hurt I’ve been, he’s even said himself that i probably won’t fully heal from it, he’s understanding and that’s why I love him

Imagine this! You get back with your ex, everything is great for a while, you decide to have another baby. He leaves you while pregnant again. This time you are a single mother to 2 kids.

How would you feel in that situation? Where you let go of a good man for a man who has shown you has treated you so badly.

I didn't want to upset you it’s just 3 years down the line I don’t think anyone deserves to be with someone who still has feelings for their ex, I’m not minimising the trauma you have been through at all, but not wanting a baby with your current partner because that means you can’t get back with your ex? That’s not fair, and if he knows this fact and is still understanding I’d be worried about him and his self esteem.
perhaps you needed more time to grieve this relationship before entering the new one.
sorry again I don’t mean to be harsh I think it’s right to offer a few different opinions, if the sexes were reversed I think the replies would be different, not just ‘don’t let a good one go’.

Wouldn’t give him another chance at all, no way.

“It’s just the not knowing if it would ever work again”

But you do know. You know it will never work out with your ex because he’s a selfish, self-centred, self-serving and deceitful prick. A man who can walk out on a partner who has just had his baby - who can walk out on a 6 month old baby - that man can walk out on anyone at any time.

He had his chances. He blew them. You can’t get back with him and you can’t make a family with him.

Your little son will be fine. As he gets older, he will understand that parents cannot always stay together. What’s key is that your son has a loving home with you. FWIW, some of the most functional families I know have separated parents who co-parent sensibly and reasonably.

Your current boyfriend - he’s a different story. He loves you and treats you well. He sounds like a keeper.

Trouble is your ex doesn’t know what he wants and that is what makes him dangerous for you and your child.
You just can’t trust him and if he’s already dumped you twice then he’s already got form for a third time defo happening.
He's had his chance and he’s blown it.
Don't even entertain the idea of a relationship with him.

When they show you who they are believe them. Past behaviour is a good indication of the future you will experience with them.

OP, he is horrible! As a PP said,
He only 'wants' you now, because he's on his own, and you're settled. It would be an incredible ego boost to him, if you left your current partner and went back to him.

He just wants to reel you in again for an ego boost. Think how gleeful he would be if he broke up the good and loving relationship you have now with a much better man. Your heartbreak would give him pleasure. Who needs someone so toxic in their life?

He’s wormed his way into your son’s heart because it’s easy to trick children. Remember he walked out on your little boy when DS was six months old. That’s not a good father. He would do it again if he got a ‘better’ offer. Please don’t risk you and your child being dumped again, and at an age where DS would suffer so much more.

That's what you're telling yourself because it feels better than admitting you're a person who has no boundaries. I see that you are considering therapy, and I would suggest that you explore this part of yourself in particular. It will protect you in the future.

That's not to say you aren't a good person. You very probably are. But being a good person is not why you are considering taking this truly awful man back into your life. Don't hide behind that. Learn how to set boundaries and enforce them and insist you are treated by everyone around you in the way you deserve. The being or not being a good person is somewhat separate to that.

OP , I would read what Dery has to say Everytime you start looking at your Ex through rose tinted glasses ..
It is very true what she says ..
You have to know this deep down yourself .. x

He's utter scum.
A complete and utter loser.
And you want that for your poor child full-time?
Him picking you up, dropping you on a loop?

Is that really all you want for your child to grow up with?
The confusion of a father who comes and goes and a mother with so little self respect she tolerates it?

Have you really no idea of the damage this would do to your child?

Whatever about this new boyfriend, keep away from the old user loser.
Your son deserves better.

Perhaps you need to spend some time on your own to heal.