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Original poster

Help me unpick this.

42 replies

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 27/05/2025 16:18

Basically I’ve been with someone for over a year who I love very much and when we’re together it’s great.

We only see each other once or twice a week when the DC are with their dad which works well for us both and we like our space.

He makes jokes about me being the number 1 contender for now which I’ve always just laughed off. However, recently it’s been really getting to me and making me feel as if he’s going to drop me as soon as he finds someone better.

The other issue is that he still doesn’t refer to me as his girlfriend to other people - someone called him last week whilst I was there and he said he was with his friend.

I’ve started getting really upset by this and checking his Facebook to see who is hearting his photos and if it’s a woman I get stressed thinking she’s the next contender.

I don’t want to be like this constantly worrying about other women and feeling insecure. Is this a me problem?

For context my exhusband was a sex addict who cheated on me hundreds of times including with prostitutes. My next relationship was on and off for 5 years with a relapsing crack addict who once I’d persuaded into rehab married his landlady 6 months after getting out whilst still messaging me for sex. All in all I haven’t had any positive relationships and I’m worried this is tainting my current one or do I have reason to be upset?

Sorry for the essay.

OP posts:
Lostinmyself · 27/05/2025 16:21

I wouldn’t accept this. I would say to him that you aren’t a “contender” he isn’t a prize! I would also ask where I stood after a year that’s an acceptable conversation to have.

but personally I think he sounds like a knob, I wouldn’t be wasting my time

Piggled · 27/05/2025 16:23

I would look into why you have poor self esteem and pick men who are clearly bad for you.

Hatty65 · 27/05/2025 16:24

You say to him calmly the next time he says this, 'Actually John, that joke has worn really thin with me. After a year together I'd like to think we had a future, particularly after my past relationships. I need you to stop making comments about 'for now' with me because I find it upsetting. I also expect you to make it clear to people that I'm your partner. Thanks'.

And then if he continues to do it you just end the relationship. You've been clear and direct that it is upsetting you and if he continues in this fashion then he demonstrates he is a prick.

Piggled · 27/05/2025 16:26

Hatty65 · 27/05/2025 16:24

You say to him calmly the next time he says this, 'Actually John, that joke has worn really thin with me. After a year together I'd like to think we had a future, particularly after my past relationships. I need you to stop making comments about 'for now' with me because I find it upsetting. I also expect you to make it clear to people that I'm your partner. Thanks'.

And then if he continues to do it you just end the relationship. You've been clear and direct that it is upsetting you and if he continues in this fashion then he demonstrates he is a prick.

You wouldn’t need to do this with a man who was genuinely into you.

OhBow · 27/05/2025 16:35

Sorry for your bad luck OP.

I agree this guy is a knob, and trying to make you feel insecure. It's good you can see it this time! Trust your gut. Onwards and upwards.

S0j0urn4r · 27/05/2025 16:41

Is he really your number 1 contender?

MattCauthon · 27/05/2025 16:47

Have you met his family and friends? Because at this point, it sounds like you are the secret other woman.

I agree with a PP - a calm, "After a year, that joke really isn't funny any more. Can you please stop?" is in order. And i fhe can't/wont, then this really isn't the man for you.

SpryCat · 27/05/2025 16:50

He’s made it very clear you’re an option to him, walk away, you can do better.

HenDoNot · 27/05/2025 16:50

when we’re together it’s great

He’s constantly negging you disguised as banter, he’s made you feel so insecure and paranoid you are scouring through his Facebook trying to analyse who has liked his posts and why, and he won’t tell people he has a girlfriend.

Which bit of it is great exactly?

Sorry but I think he’s being totally honest with you - he does only see you as ok for now.

I’d put money on you confirming (if you come back to this thread) that you don’t actually go out together, he just comes over for a shag, and you haven’t met his family and friends.

Bittenonce · 27/05/2025 16:53

You’ve managed to find some seriously shitty men in the past. So don’t accept this one because he’s a bit less shitty!
I went a long time with my ex when she wouldn’t acknowledge me as her partner in front of her friends - I should have known it was a huge red flag. If he can’t be proud of you with his friends and family, then I’d say you should call time.

Original poster
Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 27/05/2025 16:56

HenDoNot · 27/05/2025 16:50

when we’re together it’s great

He’s constantly negging you disguised as banter, he’s made you feel so insecure and paranoid you are scouring through his Facebook trying to analyse who has liked his posts and why, and he won’t tell people he has a girlfriend.

Which bit of it is great exactly?

Sorry but I think he’s being totally honest with you - he does only see you as ok for now.

I’d put money on you confirming (if you come back to this thread) that you don’t actually go out together, he just comes over for a shag, and you haven’t met his family and friends.

You’re right, I haven’t met his family and friends. His family know about me though because they often FaceTime and he’s put me on the phone quite a bit.

He was supposed to come here tonight and cancelled because he’s tired but I’ve told him we need to talk tonight because I’m not happy and he made a joke about me constantly busting his balls.

I don’t know what I’m going to say tonight. I’ve bought it up before and he’s always dismissed what I’ve said.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 27/05/2025 16:58

The fact he refers to you as 'a friend' would be enough to kick him to the kerb.

He couldn't be making it plainer he doesn't see it as a serious relationship. In fact he's in denial about it being a relationship at all?!

You deserve much better. I hope you're seeking therapy to help with your past relationship trauma and self esteem issues.

Please just walk away from him. You don't need a half arsed partner. It's better to be single than let yourself be taken for a mug.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 27/05/2025 17:03

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 27/05/2025 16:56

You’re right, I haven’t met his family and friends. His family know about me though because they often FaceTime and he’s put me on the phone quite a bit.

He was supposed to come here tonight and cancelled because he’s tired but I’ve told him we need to talk tonight because I’m not happy and he made a joke about me constantly busting his balls.

I don’t know what I’m going to say tonight. I’ve bought it up before and he’s always dismissed what I’ve said.

Show quote history

"I've brought it up before and he's always dismissed what I've said"

In other words, your feelings mean very little to him. He doesn't care how you feel.

vincettenoir · 27/05/2025 17:08

It sounds like a pretty casual arrangement and you need to work out if you’re ok with that.

In some ways it might suit your circumstances as you don’t have a lot of free time. But if you think you are falling into a bad pattern then that’s no good. I guess you need to work out if it’s still working for you.

MoominMai · 27/05/2025 17:11

@Pinkandpurplehairedlady he sounds immature and childishly annoying to me. My ex whilst not perfect was over the moon to be with me and was inviting me to family events almost immediately and after a few months introduced me as his GF proudly to his work colleagues at their Xmas party. I just couldn’t stand for this myself. If it continues after your talk, I’d just get rid.

OhBow · 27/05/2025 17:26

The way he talks it's like he doesn't even want a GF, like it's a burden to him.

Doesn't deserve you OP (or any woman).

I'm not sure it's worth talking to him about it, he's very clear how he sees you.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 27/05/2025 17:36

It sounds like you've been through a lot of trauma and it's hardly surprising you're feeling insecure.

You might benefit from counselling and doing the Freedom Programme.

What are you looking for in this relationship and is he on the same page?

TipsyJoker · 27/05/2025 18:05

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 27/05/2025 16:56

You’re right, I haven’t met his family and friends. His family know about me though because they often FaceTime and he’s put me on the phone quite a bit.

He was supposed to come here tonight and cancelled because he’s tired but I’ve told him we need to talk tonight because I’m not happy and he made a joke about me constantly busting his balls.

I don’t know what I’m going to say tonight. I’ve bought it up before and he’s always dismissed what I’ve said.

Show quote history

Don’t see him tonight. Just message him and say, “Don’t bother coming over. I don’t want to be with you anymore. You’re not good enough for me. I deserve better. Don’t contact me again.”

Have some self respect and dump this loser asap.

Chiconbelge · 27/05/2025 18:36

The thing is, OP, after a year presumably he knows about your past relationships as you’ve described them here, and he still pulls this stuff on you? That’s nasty.

Original poster
Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 27/05/2025 19:40

He isn’t even answering his phone to me now. Guess that tells me everything I need to know.

I feel broken and that I somehow deserve this. He’s an arsehole but I let myself be dragged into it hoping for the best with rose coloured glasses on.

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 27/05/2025 19:49

You do NOT deserve this! You deserve more, don’t settle for less. Hugs

Blanca87 · 27/05/2025 19:56

Ok, take a breath and please do not contact him again, as ever time you do, it will destroy your self esteem. You have everything you need to know now it’s about reclaiming your dignity and self -respect and get this wank stain to fuck.

Original poster
Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 27/05/2025 20:48

He messaged asking to talk in a few days when he’s less busy at work so I told him to forget it and that I couldn’t do it anymore. E put his phone back on do not disturb as soon as he’s messaged so he hasn’t seen my response. He’ll call in the morning asking if I’ve calmed down and wanting to chat as if nothings happened.

I’ve got some of his clothes here that he’ll need to collect (I’m thinking of leaving them in a bag outside so I don’t have to see him even though I really want to). I guess once his clothes are sorted the next thing to do is block him but I can’t quite bring myself to do it.

How could I have been so stupid?

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 27/05/2025 21:11

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 27/05/2025 19:40

He isn’t even answering his phone to me now. Guess that tells me everything I need to know.

I feel broken and that I somehow deserve this. He’s an arsehole but I let myself be dragged into it hoping for the best with rose coloured glasses on.

Block block block block. You are better than this arsehole. Read the book I linked above

wrongthinker · 27/05/2025 21:18

Block him now. Not blocking him is you leaving the door open for him to persuade you to come back. This is only going to get worse.

Time to reclaim your power and your agency. Block this idiot and spend some time sorting your head out.