Help me unpick this.

[Pinkandpurplehairedlady]

Basically I’ve been with someone for over a year who I love very much and when we’re together it’s great.

We only see each other once or twice a week when the DC are with their dad which works well for us both and we like our space.

He makes jokes about me being the number 1 contender for now which I’ve always just laughed off. However, recently it’s been really getting to me and making me feel as if he’s going to drop me as soon as he finds someone better.

The other issue is that he still doesn’t refer to me as his girlfriend to other people - someone called him last week whilst I was there and he said he was with his friend.

I’ve started getting really upset by this and checking his Facebook to see who is hearting his photos and if it’s a woman I get stressed thinking she’s the next contender.

I don’t want to be like this constantly worrying about other women and feeling insecure. Is this a me problem?

For context my exhusband was a sex addict who cheated on me hundreds of times including with prostitutes. My next relationship was on and off for 5 years with a relapsing crack addict who once I’d persuaded into rehab married his landlady 6 months after getting out whilst still messaging me for sex. All in all I haven’t had any positive relationships and I’m worried this is tainting my current one or do I have reason to be upset?

Sorry for the essay.

Please don't blame yourself OP, we're not born knowing how to navigate arseholes.

I'm glad this is coming to an end, though it's hard to go through.

There's a ton of excellent advice on here and in really good books, like the oldie but goodie "Women who love too much".

Remember to treat yourself like you would a good friend x

Yeah. Definitely remember that it's your fault all these men have treated you like this, OP. Not their fault at all. If only your self esteem were higher, and you were generally a better person, nothing like this would happen to you.

Men's poor behaviour is always women's fault. Thank God we have posters on here to remind us of this, in case we ever dare forget it!

Oh, the audacity of him ignoring you.

Actually, just block him and pretend he never existed. He doesn’t deserve anymore effort or any more of your precious time. What a loser he is

Absolutely agree. OP - you know it’s not compulsory to have a partner right? Being single is a million times preferable to being in this cycle of jumping from one shit bloke to the next.

Its always said on MN but it’s true - stay single and do the freedom programme.

Until you understand why you’ve set your bar so low and how to spot red flags then you’re not in the right place for dating.

No one is saying their behaviour is her fault but if someone is continually getting into relationships with wankers then some self reflection is needed to look at how and why she tolerates these useless men.

It’s not victim blaming, it’s about helping women raise their bar and improve their self esteem so these tears don’t get over the first hurdle.

Believe it or not I've had 5 years of therapy and have done the Freedom Program, guess I need to do it again.....

I have to talk to him at least via text so I can arrange for him to collect his stuff and to return mine. So far he's avoiding it and giving me excuses as to why he can't talk.

No you don't have to talk to him to arrange a collection. You can send a message saying "I'll leave your stuff on my/your doorstep" and block him. You're making excuses to keep in touch with him. Don't. Leave his stuff somewhere (does he even want it?) and block him.

Agree. Tough on him if he can’t be arsed to reply. Text him telling him his stuff will be outside to collect and if it’s not gone by X date the bin men will be taking it all.

Then don’t make anymore contact

Don't worry OP, we're all a work in progress 🌹

I’m not saying it’s her fault but she described a history of involving herself with toxic men.

it is not empowering to constantly be the victim. You can take responsibility for why you might be susceptible to involving yourself with these men without their behaviour being your ‘fault’.

Busting his balls?

God he sounds like a total dickhead.

I’ve finally blocked him, I wanted to get a crochet blanket that I made back as it was very expensive in terms of wool used and time and he didn’t deserve to have it. I got him to leave it on my doorstep this morning and left his stuff out there so I didn’t have to see him.

I feel simultaneously proud of myself for doing it and gutted at the same time.

Thank you for all the support - it really helped.

Oh well done you - you took the bull by the horns.

I was going to reply much like everyone else. He's made it clear that you'll do for now. Introducing you as a 'friend' and calling you a 'contender' is SO arrogant.
He's not the one. Glad you ended it before you wasted any more of your precious time being strung along.
Go you. xx

Good for you! Glad you got your blanket back too :)

Firstly @Pinkandpurplehairedlady a year is NOTHING in terms of a relationship, not when you only see each other once a week.

with your past relationship history (and as a former victim of DV/abusive relationship) I will say that there is a vulnerability in us that draws people like them.

your instinct is telling you to be wary, and his actions aren’t helping you feel any more safe in this relationship.

I suspect that he IS a waste of time, that he doesn’t value you enough and that he is keeping his options open. After a year together, I’d expect things to be much more solid and plans for future, silly ‘jokes’ like this (that aren’t funny tbh) should have fallen away by now and there should be the beginning of depth to the relationship

you’re not feeling good being with him, so cut your losses and end it.

You need to be single and work out why you keep ending up with dick heads