Should I lend my boyfriend money?

[DAISYBELLAxx]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we are currently in the process of buying a house together (should be moving in anytime in the next month or so!)

We currently both live in his flat.

I have 100K in savings and he has 80K equity in his house. We are both putting down £35,000 each as a deposit and it is costing is around £6,000 each to move (solicitors and stamp duty).

My boyfriend has always loved motorbikes, but he had to sell his in order to help with moving into his flat 5 years ago. He was planning on buying a bike out of his equity when we had exchanged and completed on the house. However, his dream bike has come along (his friend owns a bike shop and has given my boyfriend first refusal, plus knocked £500 off the asking price).

I have offered to lend my boyfriend the money for the bike (£6,500) until his equity is released from the flat. We have both been very clear that this is ofcourse a loan and I trust him to pay me back.

It is no skin off my nose as my money will just be sitting there and I do not plan to spend it.

However, I can't help but feel a bit wobbly about lending this much. I have sat on my savings for years. I trust my boyfriend and it brings me joy to see him happy , but I still feel strange about it.

Is it normal to be feeling like this? Is it unreasonable?

You're buying a house together. If you're worried about lending him money, you need to really think about why because that's quite concerning.

I know separate finances work for lots of people. You need to decide what the t&cs are for you ie how to keep things fair and avoid resentment eg if one of you ends up earning 2x the other person, what happens with bills etc. What happens if one of you lends some money and the other person doesn't pay ot back?

If I lend anything (rarely!) I assume Im giving it away and won't get it back. If I get it back, it's a bonus. If Im not willing to loose it, I don't lend it.

Does he have another vehicle? If he has a car then he doesn't need it. He just wants it.
It's not just the motorbike, it's the skid lid, the leathers, the tyres, the servicing, the MOT, the fuel....
His head has been turned by his bike salesman friend. There will be other bikes and other offers....

OP, buying a house with him is far more of a commitment than lending him some money for a motorbike.

Not without a loan agreement. Love,trust and business don't mix. I like everything to be spelt our and clear.

https://www.lawdepot.co.uk/contracts/loan-agreement/?webuser_data_id=200524070

Loans like this can add extra pressure to a relationship.

if The worse were to happen and you were to die after you became co-owners of the property, are you happy that all?/a large chunk? of your savings will be tied up in a property that he will get so you can’t leave any of it to and friends or family that you might have done previously?

What would happen if you were to say to him that actually you would like to hold the property as tenants in common rather than joint tenants, but ring-fencing your original different deposit contributions (s percentages rather than actual ££ value so you can increase the return on your bigger initial input and then 50:50 afterwards (assuming equal input to renovations and mortgage payments). Because if he would be unhappy with that, I would see that as a really big red flag that he wants the money as much as or more than me.

If you do loan him the money, make sure it’s really carefully tied up in a loan agreement - with interest rates, payment dates and amounts and so on, including that you want it paid by bank transfer with a reference on it (eg BkLn#3) so that you can have a spreadsheet set up in advance based on the schedule of payments agreed, so you can tick it off as it happens and do he can’t say ‘ off I bought an extra big food shop/thing for the renovation/took you out for a nice break that ended up being more costly than I expected it to be so I’ll say that money can come off the bike loan’ and then it also gets counted against his share of the renovation money or general funds and you end up subsidising him more rather than both paying equally.

Also include what happens if he can’t pay one payment or more!) months, if he can only pay part of what’s needed for renovation/mortgage/bills/other shared costs - does the bike loan get extended by a month so he pays everything else first or does bike loan come first? Also include what happens if he pays up early - means there aren’t any awkward conversations where you feel you have to let him off of he runs short of money one month as you can just say no problem, we’ve already agreed that you can skip this payment and the bike loan will now finish a month later, we’ll both just sign on the spreadsheet as agreed’.

also remember to include what would happen should anything happen to him before the end of the agreement - as he will own the asset (the bike) so he could leave it to anyone else - make sure that you get paid off in full from his assets (assuming maybe one of his billing family or friends would want the bike or he would like them to have the bike and you’re not into bikes) and not that his share of the increased value of the property is used to say you have the value that you would have from him anyway, when the bike value goes to someone else…

so it’s a cautious ‘I’d lend it’ but would tie it up with lots of red tape and agreements and more beforehand so he can’t use it as an easy way to have his cake and eat it (or should that be have his bike and ride it and also use avoid contributing fairly to your joint projects that you’ve agreed to split half half to!

No way would I lend money to someone I love to buy a death trap.

Yes I would and have, much lesser amount. My DH couldn't live without his motorbike.

Wow you've both done so well so accrue so much in savings! Xx

Why are you both putting such a small deposit down in home?

Dont lend the money. As a pp said, where is your indulgence? He does not need the bike, he wants it and it sets a precedent for his expensive, time consuming hobbies to be more important than your family home. I think you feel pressured to be supportive of his so called passions. Why cant he use his credit card then clear it when the equity is released?

Ive spent a lot of time in the past putting up with a man who thought luxury cars were more important than a decent home, particularly when babies arrived. Think carefully op.

A contract doesn't have to be professionally (and expensively) drawn up to exist. The safeguards of getting it done properly are so any loopholes are closed, and everyone knows where they stand, but it isn't accurate to say a DIY contract would mean 'nothing'. A contract can exist on the back of a fag packet, as long as it has all the elements of a valid contract.

My other half used to be really into photography, and the year before last in one of the aforementioned rows, I chucked all his camera gear out of a window and smashed it beyond any use. He couldn't even sell it for spares (well, maybe one thing for £100, I forget).

Yeah yeah, think of me as a psychopath if you like folks, it got my bloody message through to him, and within days we were able to pinpoint exactly what a 15 month long issue was, because we were heading for a split after 5 years together, and we've had far fewer cross words since.

We've both accepted that replacing all this camera gear is one of those things that money needs to get spent on once we've actually bought a house; we've seen quite a few recently which would see us moving in with about 7k in the bank and the responsiblity of the upkeep of a huge, Victorian house (roof, 12k? most of them need new ones, along with windows, rewiring - ouchy money for FTBs).

If he suggested he goes and spends £6k on replacement camera gear, right now in time, I'd strongly question where his head is at in terms of his commitment towards our relationship.

'Me' things come once you're actually in the house, and we you how much it's going to suck out of us in refurb/making safe, etc. I haven't had a holiday in 5 years, for example.

Most refurb costs have gone up by 40-50% since Covid, dear readers.

I'm sure a dream bike only comes up a few times in a lifetime, but when you're in a relationship you have the responsibility of being fiscally sensible, until you reach a point at which you're comfortable enough with your savings to go on splurge than 'wants' rather than 'must haves.'

Oh dear, there I go lecturing the OP when I hadn't really intended to. I'm sorry, OP.

He just sounds a bit like a man child to me.

What I will say in her Partner's defence is that mine appears to have be born middle aged and sensible, and there aren't all that many men around who think the way he does. If he had his way, our entire disposable income would be going into pensions, and he's got 25+ years of work left yet! O_O

arghhhhhhhhh point of contention shakes fists

The OP needs to talk to a very experienced lawyer about how best to protect her interests and get what she really wants, should she pass away/they split. There's a myriad of ways to protect yourself as long as you get the right lawyer and agreement beforehand.

Copies of which, she should give to someone close she trusts, if that's allowed.

I'm always a bit wary of lending someone money in a time-critical situation - where "if you don't lend me this now this amazing opportunity will be wasted". It puts the lender under pressure. There will be other bikes out there in the future, maybe not his dream-bike but why does he have to have his dream made true by you immediately, when you're just about to go through the most expensive time of your lives together buying a house.

I would offer a compromise - something like yes I will help you finance a motorbike in the future but we do it after we've bought the house and have done all the renovations we need to, and are clear on what our new outgoings are every month.

You’d think boyfriend could just claim it had been forged etc. based on OP’s old posts it’s a bad idea anyway imo

i didn’t say contracts couldn’t exist without legal help, just that you’d have a tough time proving it was genuine in court

Yes she is not his bank, but if they are committing to a life together abd buying a house there is morning wrong supporting each other.

from what I’ve read he seems to be reasonable with finances, transparent so OP knows what’s going on and the backstory of his he sold his last bike to build finds for their new home etc. OP has also benefited from living at his flat while paying a very low rent so I don’t see anything wrong lending him and I she with others to put it in writing so OP has peace of mind.

it would be a different case if he was a frivolous spender, bad either way finances and secretive, and also if he has had given OP reasons to not trust him but she confirms that she does trust him.

Relationships are partnerships but you seem to take it as a room mate deal at arms length.

No, no, no!
As others have said, LOAN him the money, get an agreement in place making it plain that it is a loan, the repayment details and get it signed and witnessed.

Oh dear OP, I’ve just read some of your numerous previous threads about this prince.

You shouldn’t be buying a place with him or loaning him a single penny, you should be running for the hills.

I remember your other posts. You've ignored everything that was said in them, ie "Run as fast as you can away from this man."

Now you're buying a home with him and about to lend him a lot of money. Of course you're getting jittery about this. You know that deep down you have a bad relationship.

ah the Op has posted several times in the past re the boyfriend.

Indeed it was only last August she was wondering if she should lend him approx £10,000 to extend the lease on his flat ?

and 6 months ago, almost to the very day, she had moved back home to live with her parents.

To my mind that motorcycle money would be better spent putting in a bigger amount of money into the house, reducing the interest you will pay on the loan.

If motorcycles are that important to him, why doesn’t he already have one?

If he must have it, surely his friend will let him put down a deposit and hold it for him?

How long us the equity release going to take. Surely he can pay a deposite and buy it himself.

Different slant on matters, as they say