Should I lend my boyfriend money?

[DAISYBELLAxx]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we are currently in the process of buying a house together (should be moving in anytime in the next month or so!)

We currently both live in his flat.

I have 100K in savings and he has 80K equity in his house. We are both putting down £35,000 each as a deposit and it is costing is around £6,000 each to move (solicitors and stamp duty).

My boyfriend has always loved motorbikes, but he had to sell his in order to help with moving into his flat 5 years ago. He was planning on buying a bike out of his equity when we had exchanged and completed on the house. However, his dream bike has come along (his friend owns a bike shop and has given my boyfriend first refusal, plus knocked £500 off the asking price).

I have offered to lend my boyfriend the money for the bike (£6,500) until his equity is released from the flat. We have both been very clear that this is ofcourse a loan and I trust him to pay me back.

It is no skin off my nose as my money will just be sitting there and I do not plan to spend it.

However, I can't help but feel a bit wobbly about lending this much. I have sat on my savings for years. I trust my boyfriend and it brings me joy to see him happy , but I still feel strange about it.

Is it normal to be feeling like this? Is it unreasonable?

There’s people on here who haven’t even been able to get £100 back from their nearest and dearest so it does make me extra wary about lending money.

Look into your gut feeling...why are you feeling uneasy about it. What is behind it. Listen to your instincts and at least try to understand it

I am not usually someone who lends money but I would in your situation.

However, I have to admit, I would be unhappy / worried about my BF having a powerful motorbike. And getting a joint mortgage with him.

I have expressed my concerns about him getting a motorbike for his safety, as I do worry. But I equally understand that this has been a long term hobby for him and his family are very big bikers who tour the world on them.

Us much as I do worry about him. He has a sensible head on his shoulders and who am I to tell him he can't do his passion.

he hasn't done his ' passion ' for 5 years tho, has he.

Only lend him the money if you are happy to lose it or get something in writing. Anything can happen.

Morbid... but if he crashes his motorbike and dies after a week of owning it, how are you recouping the loan then? There should be a paper trail so that you can claim from his estate if the worst should happen.

You're not his wife and you have no protection. Don't be generous frivolous just to be nice. He wants adult money, so it should have an adult loan agreement.

You have 100k in savings, you are buying a house with this man and you know he will get 80k profit when his flat sells, yet you are wary about lending him 6k.
If I were you I wouldn't buy a house together as clearly you have trust issues within your relationship.
A house is a MUCH bigger commitment, and I say this as a person who bought a flat with someone - we split up and it took 7 YEARS for him to do the paperwork to remove me from the joint mortgage (I was married to someone else by then!).

Absolutely not

Can the bike just not wait until you have moved? These things do come up again..

Do not lend any money you aren’t prepared to not get back.

you and your boyfriend could end up splitting (not saying you will, but in this case it is best to think of worse case scenario) and I wouldn’t suggest buying it under your name either.

Personally I’d be saying no- a motorbike is a luxury and you’ve literally just put money down for a property. He will have to save up. I love my partner but no way I’d be lending him money for a bike.

if you do lend it to him, get a legal contract drawn up that he owes you the money. Dont just give it as an informal loan. He can pay for this to be done.

i too have doubts about motorbike safety and this I’d feel like a hypocrite lending money for one. Thankfully my partner is uninterested in them.

OP may not be able to get a large enough mortgage on her own. Although she has 100k in savings.
(Personally I would up the deposit to 50k each rather than just 35k, to reduce monthly payments and interest!)

You need something signed and in writing at minimum to make clear what you are lending, why, the time scale to repay. He might see it as a soft loan, take the view you can afford it and be difficult or delay repaying.

I lent a family member money and drew up a contract with a repayment plan and we both signed it.
The way I see it is a bank makes you sign a loan agreement so why not.

I wouldn't, something weird happens to the dynamic, as @LeavesofBrass said. Tell him you trust him to figure it out, you want to keep the money towards your life together (or something)

I went into my marriage with xh owing me a few thousand (more fool me), of course after a few years it just felt strange and I let it go. But it set a precedent for me being the "provider" that never changed.

Plus the thing is with a signed agreement, that could only ever be used to get the money back if you've split up, because imagine the awkwardness of having to go to the small claims court against your own partner...

Finally, I agree with the others about life insurance. I was getting some quotes recently and they all explicitly asked me if I ride a motorbike.

(Edited to add dh is now xh, partly due to this very issue)

This contract would mean nothing in a court of law. You need to get it done professionally.

@OhBow I think that is what I am worried about. I've been thinking this afternoon and I am worried about it changing the dynamic.

Rightly or wrongly, I am quite traditional and don't want to be seen as the provider and step into the 'masculine' energy. I think this deep down is why I am hesitant.

And ofcourse worrying about him out and about on the bike!

Hey! I also lived with my boyfriend for 4 years (now husband) and paid £300 per month to live there. Stop viewing that as you “only” paying £300. Only your boyfriend was growing his asset value, which he is now using to buy the house, whereas your money was going on “rent”. Maybe you were renting before and this is a saving, but you need to view it differently. You were risking you breaking up and you walking away with nothing (interest wise) and him having a house you subsidised. He sounds like my husband spending most of the rent I gave him on “us”, but we were both very generous and that is their choice!

I also love my husband dearly, but I’d not have lent him £7K years ago before we were married. If he’s only got to wait a few months, he can wait a little longer and if that bike is gone, the right bike will come along. If his family are huge bikers, they can loan him the money or he can take out a very short loan without early repayment fees until his equity is released and pay it back.

As others say, what if he dies? What if you break up? You’re not married so won’t get that back in the house sale or via his estate or he could argue it was a generous gift. (On that note, we weren’t married for about 1 year when we bought our house but signed the deed as the other gets full house etc if one of us died to prevent family kicking the other out to get “their half”, food for thought!)

Do you also know how awkward asking for money back is? What if (he feels) a genuine expense comes up meaning he can’t afford to repay you and “why aren’t you being understanding” or he (suddenly, uncharacteristically!) says the £6.5K or part of it, makes up for the subsidised rent he was charging you or the portions he gave back to you from your rent? It’s too uncertain for me, even with paperwork, and I’m a commercial lawyer who has been in your shoes!!!

Unless you’re married, cash isn’t and shouldn’t be about emotions, it’s about what you’re willing to never get back and assume you won’t.

If I had loaned my husband £7K, I guarantee now he’d be saying he’d pay for something on my behalf instead of me contributing and “slowly pay me back” by paying for my half of things like holidays and dinner and I’d never, ever have a £6.5K lump sum again….

may sound morbid, but you need to consider getting your money back if anything happened to him before he repaid. I loaned a close friend 12k so she could buy a campervan 6 months before her pension lump sum. It was part of my house deposit, and I offered to loan it to her, she didn’t ask. I offered as it was the start of spring, and I thought it would be a shame to miss a summer. Glad I did, as she died unexpectedly this spring, and I feel glad every day that I gave her an extra summer. She paid me interest; and she signed me as the beneficiary on her pension incase she had died before she repaid the money. She repaid me as planned and it was all repaid when she died.

I 100% agree with you OP, and it's a lesson I learned the hard way, having rejected all traditional ways previously. Don't be me!

@DAISYBELLAxx if the bike shop owner is your BF friend then why can’t he just hold onto the bike for him? BF could show him proof of paperwork etc to reassure his friend. Personally that’s what I would be doing as a first resort. Maybe 8m a worrier but been burnt too many times so I’d see it as a bit of a coincidence dream bike has come along right now. Friend is willing to knock half a grand off the price but not hold onto it a wee bit longer until his friend gets the equity. Hmmm 🤔

It's not something I want to think about - but seeing as people are asking...

We are joint tenants in the property we are buying. Meaning if I or he were to pass away, the other would be left with the equity in the house.

Thank you @OhBow - I think you have knocked the nail on the head for me!

Oh and another thing:

his £80K
minus deposit £45K
minus legal fees £39K
minus £20K renovation £19K
Minus repaying you for bike £12.5K

You will have more than him left as you started with £20K more AND didn’t spend £6.5K on a bike. Renovations and legal costs can cost more than you think. Until you know what renovations and how much they cost, £6.5K outlay on a motorbike at this time in your relationship journey is frivolous and his bike shop friend can source him one NEXT summer.

Trust me when buying a home, you will want all the extras done there and then and won’t want to wait. He won’t be able to keep up with you and (the lawyer in me now!!) you should NOT pay out for big renovations without being married!!

I’m glad to hear you’re holding as JTs - we made that choice too and it’s more comfortable if either you are grieving and we’re both in love that family don’t come and kick your loved one out at their lowest. 👍🏼