Co parenting and ex partners

[Ash2345f]

I have been with my partner for around a year and a half and we live together we have a child each from previous relationships. Yesterday he was nearly caught up in a suspected terrorist incident. He had been drinking alcohol as well so was a little drunk by the time this had taken place. He rang me to let me know he was okay. He then rang his ex partner whom he has a child with and other family members. His ex partner then text him and he has text back saying he was okay etc. Am I being unreasonable in thinking a text would have been sufficient to his ex partner to reassure her given they have a child together and she may have been worried. I do feel a call is quite personal and worry is there something more around this has it evoked a deeper emotional response/attachment. Really interested in people’s thoughts around this.

I think ringing his ex partner who is the mother of his child is a perfectly normal thing to do in those circumstances.

That's not something to rely on a text for imo.

Nothing wrong with it. I speak to my ex on the phone about far less important things.

When you say involved in a terrorist incident, hopefully you don’t mean he was a perpetrator?
If not, maybe it was the incident in Liverpool that may or may not be terrorism.

Look, I can’t see anything wrong with him phoning his child’s mother whatsoever. He phoned you too don’t forget! I think it’s a concern that you potentially feel insecure over this.

Absolutely not the Perp he was in Liverpool. Thanks for the comments ladies I did think it was my insecurities getting the better of me rather than anything he had particularly done. It is so difficult navigating through relationships with two additional adults running alongside

I think the fact that you have an issue with him ringing her is a red flag .... for him to you and that would be even just for a normal thing. In a scary situation like this there shouldn[t even be a question that he might ring the mother of his child.

You should work on your insecurities becuase if you are like this for an issue like this, what are you like for other issues?

You should not be referring this to a suspected terrorist incident. The police have been quite clear that it is not being treated as such and this is how false narrative plays out

I understand the potential jealousy from you - it’s so hard to navigate these blended families. But can I also point out that you want to be with a good man, and if he has a good relationship with his ex that shows signs of maturity and being a decent father . My ex husband is vile to me and If my partner didn’t get on with his ex that would be more of a red flag .

Yabu

He rang you first which is fair. He probably called her on instinct as it’s easier than texting and waiting for replies to come through. If the kids are old enough to be on social media and know he was in Liverpool then she can reassure them that he was fine and not clog up the phone lines which may have faced delays because of the vulnerable of texts and calls.

You are being ridiculous

I think given there was so much footage circulating of people being horrifically injured, most wearing red shirts and all moving quickly, it’s not unreasonable to call the mother of his child. She and the child might have seen the footage and been terrified it was him. It’s not a normal situation so don’t feel bad. He called you first, then needed to let his child know he was ok. Sounds like a decent guy.

I think yourself lucky you got the first phone call. I don’t think I would’ve.

Yabu

Also: different people attach different meanings to different communication methods. Phone calls aren't always thought of as more personal - that's how they work for you.

And that's aside from the technical point that in different types of major incident there can be comms problems with some/ all of the means available - sometimes texts are slow to send because of the volume/ sometimes there's limited internet so WhatsApp type apps don't work/ sometimes phone calls don't connect etc so trying all of the methods is a good plan.

Perfectly normal, especially considering the incident. Your response, less so. I wouldn’t even give this a second thought

To be fair, at the time no one knew what had happened. So in the immediate aftermath, anyone who was there could have understandably thought they could be caught up in a terrorist incident. I assume that’s what op meant by ‘suspected terrorist incident’.

With regards to your post op, I do think you’re overthinking this sorry. I’ve been in your position and it’s hard, but the fact he phoned her to reassure her for their child's sake makes him a good father. My ex wouldn’t have given our son a second thought.

It’s for the child. Your children always come first and so they should do. Partners come and go but he will always be dad. I’d be more worried if he didn’t. The additional adults running along side is irrelevant. I would get to grips really quickly that the child should always take precedent, yours to you and his to him. Insecurity like this has a habit eating away at relationships.

If the tables were turned would you not want to speak to your child or have them know you were ok?

You should be glad you are with a man who has remained friends with the mother of his child. They are in this together for life - through birthdays/ special moments/ school achievements/ the ups and downs of teen life - you need to accept that and be glad of it now

If you can't cope with this you shouldn't be with him.

Really??

you are being unreasonable, I would let the father of my children know I was safe as this would massively affect him and our children if not. More so than it would affect a partner of a year in my opinion.
but also the incident wasn’t a terrorist attack and you really shouldn’t be calling it one

Totally understandable from ex-partner they will need to explain things to their DC. If you are insecure you need to investigate the reason why?

My ex rang me from Liverpool yesterday too, several times actually to update me on what was happening as he tried to get out the city
Didn't occur to either of us that it was anything but information sharing with someone I maintainly a friendly coparent relationship with

He also texts me links to things he's found interesting most days and I text an update of what our sons up to

Why does it bother you so much that they remain in contact for their child's sake?

That’s what you took from that incident? Wild.

Rather than this being a thing about an ex partner, why not consider the fact he has certainly witnessed if not been involved in an incident. He will be in shock, adrenaline running high. Just felt the very normal human reaction of speaking to someone and sharing what had happpened. Plus drink changes perception of things.

why do you distrust him?

As others have said, totally normal. I would ring dad's dad in these circumstances and expect the same from him.

When you have a child together, basically you are family and always will be.

I do understand you being insecure, of course - this can happen to all of us. But I hope these responses will reassure you that his actions were normal.

If you find yourself triggered like this a lot, it may be worth seeking some counselling, so that it doesn't harm your relationship.

Good luck.

DD's dad that should say.