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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need perspective - is husband being unreasonable

39 replies

Cheesenotcheesecake · 27/05/2025 07:33

DH and I married 20 years, together 25 both 45. DD15, DS13. Dog 5.
I feel like I'm shrinking (whilst getting fatter and fatter). We've had issues before; long story short I gave up moderately successful career to care for DC, mutual decision, and a fantastic redundancy package. Before this things were more even, but I still definitely 'led' the relationship.
Since then and since returning to work first part time and 5 years ago full time I feel like I've been fighting for my life to be respected. We're now in a place where it would be untrue to say things are even or even fair, but it is better. That is for background.
Yesterday we all went to another town we had never been to about 1 1/2 hours away for an experience for DS, a voucher he got for Christmas. It was lovely, DD can be tricky, was very patient, didn't pull focus from her brother etc.
I booked the experience, planned where to park to have a nice walk with dog, looked at where restaurants were etc.
After lunch we all decided to have a quick look in the town. Turns out they have a shop which DD and I really love, it's the closest branch to us, but we didn't know it was there. Asked DH if he could take dog (shop is dog friendly but he didn't want to come in) and let us go in. He asked how long we'd be, I said 15 mins, (I didn't know really, these shops very hugely in size). It was very lightly spitting with rain, he and ds had raincoats. What felt like no time later, but was apparently 15 mins (I didn't check) they both appeared in shop with dog, furious that we were only about half way round. I didn't grasp how annoyed he was and we carried on looking, but chivvied DD along, it definitely took the shine off: we were buying some specific things. They walk around a bit and went to wait outside again. Bought little sweet treats for everyone to say thank you for waiting. We don't go shopping much at all. When DD does want to go, I take her.
Just before bedtime this all blew up from nowhere. How annoyed he was, how rude DD and I were taking him for granted, they were cold and soaked (they were certainly NOT soaked). I was a bit blindsided. We took longer than 15 minutes, maybe 25? He said I should have told them to go get a coffee. I pointed out that he could've decided/suggested that himself.
He kept demanding an apology.

I'm just fed up with this kind of scenario. It's so silly. Yes, it may have been a bit boring for him and DS, but there are things they could have done, it wasn't hammering with rain or anything. I feel like it was a reasonable way for us to make the most of a day that much more focussed him and DS, without encroaching much.
But he insists that this is me being awful, like I was most gobsmacked by how upset he got.
I know it's not really relevant, but having planned the whole day, I also had a dinner prepped so it would be easy when we got home; he went for a nap.
Not sure what I'm asking, I guess it's AIBU, but I'm not really up for a flaming there.
I feel like I can't do this for another 40 years

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 27/05/2025 07:37

Sounds like a storm in a tea cup. Is there more going on?

Original poster
Cheesenotcheesecake · 27/05/2025 07:42

Not really. I mean there has been, I alluded to it. But I am perhaps just being over sensitive.
I guess it's the 'is this really too much to ask?'
I put myself out to do small, nice things for all the others, all the time.

OP posts:
MummyDummyNow · 27/05/2025 07:47

He was was being completely unreasonable OP. If he can’t wait for his partner and daughter whilst they look in a shop it’s a crying shame. I would be furious with him.

Wish44 · 27/05/2025 07:49

What really struck me about your post was that you said despite organising everything you felt the need to buy sweet treats to say thank you for waiting…. While you went in a shop!!!!

sounds awful op and you are right he does not respect you or think you are worthy of his time/ good humour etc.

you need to stand up for yourself in a big way. Making yourself smaller and smaller is not going to work here.

it is one of my all time favourite mumsnet pearls …. If you have to make yourself smaller and for a man then they are not the one for you.

live your life - he needs to change how he views/treats you. You are not his slave. Good luck .

AtomicBlondeRose · 27/05/2025 07:51

Of course it’s not too much to ask. There’s a reason why the picture of men hanging round while women shop is a well-known cliche! It can be a bit boring when other people shop (DP takes ages at garden centres!) but the other person doesn’t have to stand around like a wet lettuce - he’s an adult with full capacity and perfectly able to say “ok, I’ll be in the cafe/bookshop/pub”. You have phones I assume?

Pickley981 · 27/05/2025 07:55

Bloody awful for your kids to witness too

SparklyGlitterballs · 27/05/2025 07:55

I'd be pointing out that I too felt taken for granted in having arranged every aspect of the day out (and dinner on return) without so much as a thank you (because I bet my life he didn't thank you for any of it) in return.

Original poster
Cheesenotcheesecake · 27/05/2025 07:55

AtomicBlondeRose · 27/05/2025 07:51

Of course it’s not too much to ask. There’s a reason why the picture of men hanging round while women shop is a well-known cliche! It can be a bit boring when other people shop (DP takes ages at garden centres!) but the other person doesn’t have to stand around like a wet lettuce - he’s an adult with full capacity and perfectly able to say “ok, I’ll be in the cafe/bookshop/pub”. You have phones I assume?

We do have phones. That is it! There is a tropeits just not something I've ever really asked of him.
There were several other lovely shops and DD would have loved to go in, but I know that would be super boring, we hadn't gone there to go shopping, it's just that this is an unusual shop, more often found in a different part of the country to ours and it's whimsical!
He isn't a monster, we get in pretty well mostly, but I often feel like that is because I smooth the way.
I have started to do more for me, I was out on Friday evening and in the day for a few hours with friends in Sunday. It doesn't stop him doing what he wants the kids can be left, but I do feel like that made him feel like I wasn't entitled to this
I don't even know any more tbh!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheesenotcheesecake · 27/05/2025 07:56

SparklyGlitterballs · 27/05/2025 07:55

I'd be pointing out that I too felt taken for granted in having arranged every aspect of the day out (and dinner on return) without so much as a thank you (because I bet my life he didn't thank you for any of it) in return.

Well, no. In fact I thanked him for driving. Even though it's the new car, so his toy and I offered to drive home. He said it made him tired, hence the nap.

OP posts:
MissNowt · 27/05/2025 07:59

So sorry OP, what a shame he spoilt the afternoon. Seems like everything is all about him. Not sure if it’s in your nature but I’d be tempted to rip him a new one. You don’t have to put up with this sort of pathetic shitty behaviour. He sounds like a complete mood Hoover.

Soontobe60 · 27/05/2025 08:02

I’m afraid if I had been left waiting outside a shop in the rain, not knowing how long you were going to be, I too would have been annoyed. You say you planned the day out carefully, but in fact you didn’t if the plan didn’t include half an hour in a shop only 2 of you were interested in.
Yes, DH could have said him and Ds would go for a coffee, but initially you said you’d be 15 minutes. You were twice that time. Perhaps DH exaggerated his annoyance, but he WAS annoyed, understandably so. The fact that you arranged everything is a red herring here.

Original poster
Cheesenotcheesecake · 27/05/2025 08:05

MissNowt · 27/05/2025 07:59

So sorry OP, what a shame he spoilt the afternoon. Seems like everything is all about him. Not sure if it’s in your nature but I’d be tempted to rip him a new one. You don’t have to put up with this sort of pathetic shitty behaviour. He sounds like a complete mood Hoover.

I wasn't especially affected in the day to be honest. I kind of knew it was a bit boring for him but I didn't think it was a big deal.
But in the evening it just blew up
I pushed back hard, so now we're basically not speaking.
He did bring me tea before he went to work, which he always does. But I think I'd choke on it.
I'm off today and have to take the kids to get new shoes, clothes etc. He is off with them tomorrow and going bowling. It's standard.
I did discuss mental load etc, but he glosses over that and seems to nitpick everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheesenotcheesecake · 27/05/2025 08:06

Soontobe60 · 27/05/2025 08:02

I’m afraid if I had been left waiting outside a shop in the rain, not knowing how long you were going to be, I too would have been annoyed. You say you planned the day out carefully, but in fact you didn’t if the plan didn’t include half an hour in a shop only 2 of you were interested in.
Yes, DH could have said him and Ds would go for a coffee, but initially you said you’d be 15 minutes. You were twice that time. Perhaps DH exaggerated his annoyance, but he WAS annoyed, understandably so. The fact that you arranged everything is a red herring here.

Not really. We had always thought we'd wander round the town.
Aren't you ever spontaneous?

OP posts:
Daffodilsarefading · 27/05/2025 08:09

I would say to him next time you are going to go out shopping alone. Then leave him to it. Let him sort out his own food and the DCs food.
Is he not capable of using a phone? Why on earth doesn’t he behave like a normal human and say ok, ds and I will go and get a drink. Ring me when you are done and I’ll let you know where we are.
Have you any friends you can go out with? Start and do things that you want to do.
In fairness by the age of 15, I didn’t expect my eldest child to want to do things the younger one did. They are old enough to decide not to go and do their own thing.
That doesn’t change the fact that your dh sounds like a big baby.

Original poster
Cheesenotcheesecake · 27/05/2025 08:12

Daffodilsarefading · 27/05/2025 08:09

I would say to him next time you are going to go out shopping alone. Then leave him to it. Let him sort out his own food and the DCs food.
Is he not capable of using a phone? Why on earth doesn’t he behave like a normal human and say ok, ds and I will go and get a drink. Ring me when you are done and I’ll let you know where we are.
Have you any friends you can go out with? Start and do things that you want to do.
In fairness by the age of 15, I didn’t expect my eldest child to want to do things the younger one did. They are old enough to decide not to go and do their own thing.
That doesn’t change the fact that your dh sounds like a big baby.

I always go shopping alone or with DD (or today,as it's for them, both DC).
This was a spontaneous 'oh look they have a branch of our favourite shop!' when we thought the nearest was 4 hours away. But this is still 1 1/2 hours away.
We weren't there to shop, which is his point, but we had done things for him and DS.
DD didn't want to stay at home on her own and she was happy to go with the flow, but got excited when we saw this shop.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheesenotcheesecake · 27/05/2025 08:13

Daffodilsarefading · 27/05/2025 08:09

I would say to him next time you are going to go out shopping alone. Then leave him to it. Let him sort out his own food and the DCs food.
Is he not capable of using a phone? Why on earth doesn’t he behave like a normal human and say ok, ds and I will go and get a drink. Ring me when you are done and I’ll let you know where we are.
Have you any friends you can go out with? Start and do things that you want to do.
In fairness by the age of 15, I didn’t expect my eldest child to want to do things the younger one did. They are old enough to decide not to go and do their own thing.
That doesn’t change the fact that your dh sounds like a big baby.

And yes, I have friends and we do go out from time to time. This weekend being one of those times

OP posts:
Pickley981 · 27/05/2025 08:15

You’re not generally happy in this marriage and neither is he, and I suspect there are lots of issues in this marriage

correct?

madcow1209 · 27/05/2025 08:17

Sorry op but he sounds like a massive man baby . You have every right to look in a shop with your daughter. He could have amused himself. Sorry you went through this. I’d be fuming

Gettingbysomehow · 27/05/2025 08:20

I just never ever went shopping with my exH because he was a massive pain and would ruin any kind of shopping experience.
Your H should be able to cope with a shopping trip but clearly can't. It might just be worth keeping family days out and shopping with kids separate. It isn't a hill I would die on even though it's irritating.
I found with a long marriage of 20 years it was best just not doing some things or I'd have killed him.
We got divorced for entirely other reasons...infidelity.

Bittenonce · 27/05/2025 08:23

Relationships are about compromise. There will always be times you want to do different things, go to different places, eat different food, at different times, take different holidays. Sometimes you need to do these things separately but sometimes you’ve just got to roll with it….. I have a loathing of being dragged out shopping unless I’m looking for something very specific, but occasionally it just has to be done. He needs to learn to roll with it better!
It does sort of sound like you’ve got wider issues though? That this overblown incident is a symptom of things at home feeling strained, unequal? I might be going off on the wrong tack completely but it might be time for an honest 2 way ‘these things don’t work for me, how do we handle them better?’ conversation

AtomicBlondeRose · 27/05/2025 08:25

I agree that it’s a bit annoying but it’s also part and parcel of life surely? When DP spent a freaking HOUR in the garden centre while DD and I sat in the car (because he was only going to be ten minutes) we did have a moan when he got back, as in “oh god we’ve been so bored!” but just that - a couple of sentences, we had a laugh about it, all went for lunch afterwards and it’s now just a family joke that if it’s a garden centre trip we either don’t go or go along prepared for a wait. We didn’t sulk and punish him for hours afterwards, just said our piece and moved on. It’s normal family life. Give and take. One day he’s waiting for you, another you’re waiting for him, in a good relationship you can express annoyance and then it’s done.

Kathbrownlow · 27/05/2025 08:27

As others have said, it seems that in some ways what happened in your post is the tip of the iceberg. What do you want your future to look like, OP? If you keep doing things the same way, then nothing will change. Have you thought about a life without your DH?

fruitpastille · 27/05/2025 09:10

Did he perhaps not really want to go on the day out at all? Then the shop was the proverbial straw?

Nevertheless it's not ok. We had a similar day out exploring a city doing an activity. Along the way there were several shops where dh waited around outside. He's used to it!

Original poster
Cheesenotcheesecake · 27/05/2025 09:30

fruitpastille · 27/05/2025 09:10

Did he perhaps not really want to go on the day out at all? Then the shop was the proverbial straw?

Nevertheless it's not ok. We had a similar day out exploring a city doing an activity. Along the way there were several shops where dh waited around outside. He's used to it!

No definitely not that

OP posts:
HappiestSleeping · 27/05/2025 09:38

On the surface, there sounds like a lot of dysfunction here. A relationship should be a partnership, so the term about leading stands out to me.

This all sounds very strange for there to be such a lot of angst over such a small thing. He should have just gone off to get coffee/ got to the pub as a PP said.