I need perspective - is husband being unreasonable

[Cheesenotcheesecake]

DH and I married 20 years, together 25 both 45. DD15, DS13. Dog 5.
I feel like I'm shrinking (whilst getting fatter and fatter). We've had issues before; long story short I gave up moderately successful career to care for DC, mutual decision, and a fantastic redundancy package. Before this things were more even, but I still definitely 'led' the relationship.
Since then and since returning to work first part time and 5 years ago full time I feel like I've been fighting for my life to be respected. We're now in a place where it would be untrue to say things are even or even fair, but it is better. That is for background.
Yesterday we all went to another town we had never been to about 1 1/2 hours away for an experience for DS, a voucher he got for Christmas. It was lovely, DD can be tricky, was very patient, didn't pull focus from her brother etc.
I booked the experience, planned where to park to have a nice walk with dog, looked at where restaurants were etc.
After lunch we all decided to have a quick look in the town. Turns out they have a shop which DD and I really love, it's the closest branch to us, but we didn't know it was there. Asked DH if he could take dog (shop is dog friendly but he didn't want to come in) and let us go in. He asked how long we'd be, I said 15 mins, (I didn't know really, these shops very hugely in size). It was very lightly spitting with rain, he and ds had raincoats. What felt like no time later, but was apparently 15 mins (I didn't check) they both appeared in shop with dog, furious that we were only about half way round. I didn't grasp how annoyed he was and we carried on looking, but chivvied DD along, it definitely took the shine off: we were buying some specific things. They walk around a bit and went to wait outside again. Bought little sweet treats for everyone to say thank you for waiting. We don't go shopping much at all. When DD does want to go, I take her.
Just before bedtime this all blew up from nowhere. How annoyed he was, how rude DD and I were taking him for granted, they were cold and soaked (they were certainly NOT soaked). I was a bit blindsided. We took longer than 15 minutes, maybe 25? He said I should have told them to go get a coffee. I pointed out that he could've decided/suggested that himself.
He kept demanding an apology.

I'm just fed up with this kind of scenario. It's so silly. Yes, it may have been a bit boring for him and DS, but there are things they could have done, it wasn't hammering with rain or anything. I feel like it was a reasonable way for us to make the most of a day that much more focussed him and DS, without encroaching much.
But he insists that this is me being awful, like I was most gobsmacked by how upset he got.
I know it's not really relevant, but having planned the whole day, I also had a dinner prepped so it would be easy when we got home; he went for a nap.
Not sure what I'm asking, I guess it's AIBU, but I'm not really up for a flaming there.
I feel like I can't do this for another 40 years

Yes maybe you’d be annoyed too but OPs point is her DP is unreasonable for letting this fester and pushing for an apology. What happened is just part of family life surely? 15m waiting outside is hardly the most awful thing that could happen to someone. Instead of coming into the shop furious, he could have just asked how much longer and said he’s fed up waiting and he’ll meet them in a coffee shop later seeing as they were yet only halfway through and this is an unusual shop his wife and DD really want to spend more time in.

He’s a grown man and ridiculous to be holding a grudge over something so small, ruining the end of the day out and making OP feel rubbish like this imo especially when she said she’s constantly smoothing the way, doing little thoughtful things all the time including getting him and their DS a treat from said shop. Also, you can’t plan for everything in life, how would she have known to include said shop in the itenary if she’d never been there before? Family life is about compromise and give and take!

initially you said you’d be 15 minutes. You were twice that time

How shocking. A whole 15 minutes more! 🙄

Honestly - they had phones. They have legs. They could have used the legs to walk to a cafe and the phones to text that they'd found somewhere to have a coffee and to join them there. Problem - if there ever was a problem - sorted.

I grew up with a father like this and every day out was miserable because he found a way to pick an argument - although we didn’t have many trips to start with because he hated going out and didn’t have much concept of doing things purely for pleasure. It was a revelation when I was invited out with a friend and her parents once and they just had a lovely, relaxed time.

Its HIS problem, not OP's.

Okay, so you spent 15 minutes on an unplanned shopping trip, it was raining, and after 15 minutes you were only halfway through the store - I assume it would have taken you at least half an hour if your husband hadn’t got fed up waiting in the rain and getting wet. Yes, you said it was just a light drizzle, but even that will soak through in that time.

I would definitely have been annoyed, but would have filed it under ‘storm in a teacup’. The fact that your posts suggest that it isn’t - is it more the tip of an iceberg? - indicates that there are far bigger issues that need addressing.

I smiled at this, Some years ago when DC was small. We were on holiday with a dear dog We went to a nice town in Devon. DH and Dear dog waited outside .We were about half an hour over ,and he was upset saying he " Felt like a homeless person waiting outside!" Now we usually go together ,and DC is older so can stay with dear dog .Really seem like a SIAT to me! I can't believe people saying LTB for this!

I think it's this. I see this as normal; give and take.if I forced an apology every time I was left doing something a bit rubbish to please someone else I'd be at it constantly.

Sounds like death by thousand cuts to me. Lots of seemingly little things that have been adding up over time and now things are getting to crunch point. I think you two need a serious talk - where do you see this relationship going? Do you even see it lasting because at the moment things sound a bit miserable.

What strikes me is how little he wants you and dd to do something you enjoy that you just succeed was there. . It's all about him. I'd be chuffed for dd if that happened and we would rearrange to let her shop, even though I don't like shopping. I'd be the one suggesting a cafe to wait. I think dh would be the same.
Did he not want DD to enjoy herself for her own sake? Or you? So selfish. And such a lack of feeling for anyone but himself.

He's an adult, @Cheesenotcheesecake - he could have said/texted "We're getting wet out here - I'm going to take us to X for a coffee - see you there!" But instead he decided to behave like a sulky child - I don't blame you for being disenchanted.

He sounds like a big baby that doesn't want to take any responsibility or decisions but wants the right to constantly moan at those other people make.

He should have gone for a coffee and sent you a message to meet him there, he should have thought about DS and DD as well - his wet lettuce act made DS wet, ruined DDs shopping and the whole family atmosphere.

He doesn't get to think that because he makes no decisions, he gets off blame free - deciding to do nothing but mope is a decision.

If you was awful to you then that's unreasonable. I'd have been narked but not said anything (which is a fault I know, because I get walked over).

But you could have easily have apologised for keeping him waiting. Your time is no more precious than his. I wouldn't have hesitated to say sorry that someone had been stood waiting for me. It doesn't matter whether it was justified or not, whether you were aware of time or not, whether he should have chosen to do something else. In my book, as you inconvenience someone you should have said sorry.

Well if it's unusual for him to do this I would think there's something else going on for him to be this annoyed.

He isn't a monster, we get in pretty well mostly, but I often feel like that is because I smooth the way

@Cheesenotcheesecake Sounds like you are walking on eggshells to make sure life runs smoothly, and your husband gets annoyed when things don't go the way he wants. Apart from the morning tea, does he do anything for you? Does he make your life easier and full of joy, or are you on tenter/tender hooks waiting for a perceived wrong you have caused him?
How is he if you go out for the evening? Is he happy for you to go and happy to entertain himself and the kids?

He sounds like a right dick.

Dont gloss over it and nitpick back.

As others have said you really need to stand up for yourself. Calmly. Factually.

He ruined the day with his outburst. How many times have you hung around waiting for him. Why couldn't DD have a bit of fun on the day out.... you only went into one shop.

Saying thank you and giving little thankyou presents to ingrates is pointless.
You go to a lot of effort and it isn't acknowledged. He's acting like the Lord and Master who cannot be kept waiting. You are not his personal assistant.. You don't have a contact of employment and if it was a job (unpaid) you'd resign.

As others have said. He's an adult and could have taken DS to a cafe or somewhere and kept in touch by phone. Instead. Tantrum.

Speak up and Speak out. Best of luck OP. x