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Original poster

AIBU to end things so soon?

27 replies

Oreocake24 · 26/05/2025 22:33

Hi ladies

I’ve been dating for around one year now, only been on a handful of dates and had one fling. This is all following a split from DDs father and taking time out to myself to heal etc.

Ive been talking to this guy for quite some time and we’ve been on 4 dates. He’s lovely but quite immature, still lives at home and big on partying/drinking.

he hasn’t asked any questions about my DD which is a big red flag to me. I’ve mentioned a couple of times that I’m a mum first and foremost and that’s the most important thing to me, but still nothing.

I’ve mentioned it to my close friends and family and they’ve all said that I run at the first sign of something wrong and that I need to give people a chance. They’ve also said that I can’t afford to be so picky given I’m a single mum now.

this guy is lovely in his own way and I’m sure he does care about me in his own way, but something just feels off. There’s never any compliments or gentlemanly behaviour (again my friends have said to look past this as this is just standard practice of the dating world now).

im really not sure if im being unreasonable and looking to end things so soon. Especially when it seems to be a pattern with me and dating, i do seem to get to 3 dates in and then decide that person just isn’t right for me. That said, I’ve only got to 3 dates with 2 people.

has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
Ohrainyrainy · 26/05/2025 22:43

I think the fact you are a single mum means you should be picky!

Your friends and family are encouraging you to undervalue your self. Much better to have no man and be happily single than put up with anyone just for the sake of being in a relationship.

From what you've said you have doubts about this guy and your doubts sound justified. You should listen to your own feelings and not those of other people who seem to have a strange sense of what is good for you.

babystarsandmoon · 26/05/2025 22:47

I would have lost interest at him living at home and being big on partying. That’s not a man I would be looking to invest it, especially with a child.

Freeflight · 26/05/2025 23:12

If things don't feel right then I wouldn't invest too much in it. I think the partying says a lot about them if it's regular. Depending on age, the living at home thing is tricky. Most people can only afford to move out once they are partnered up so maybe they've lacked a serious relationship before.

I wouldn't read too much into not asking about your DD. I have kids myself but don't tend to ask much about the kids of people I see and don't want them to ask too much about mine. My kids are my top priority, but they aren't a discussion topic until I'm much further on and happy that this is a serious relationship. I wouldn't feel comfortable with a fling knowing private info about them, they are way too important. Same reason I don't have them on my dating profile (and frown at those who do) and also don't have them in my WhatsApp profile photo in case I give my number for dates.
Maybe he feels it isn't appropriate to ask about a child that he doesn't know whose mum he also doesn't actually know.

smallsilvercloud · 26/05/2025 23:42

Don’t feel bad about ending it, you’re at different life stages, while he’s happy to date you, you’re wasting your own time, he won’t seriously settle down into a relationship if that’s what you want, as a single mum, avoid the ones are living at home and partying, eventually he’ll find you boring and you’ll be frustrated with his immaturity, go for someone that is self sufficient and past that phase.

smallsilvercloud · 26/05/2025 23:52

Also I wouldn’t listen to your friends standards, they don’t sound too caring, sorry but of course you are worthy of compliments and to be treated nicely, that isn’t the norm not to expect too much, set your own boundaries you know your worth, you don’t let someone take a big chunk of your life and emotions especially when you have children, just to people please. if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 27/05/2025 04:16

What is he supposed to ask about your children? I wouldn't ask about someone's children either.

You don't sound in any way suitable for each other. I would move on.

Monty27 · 27/05/2025 04:30

Not your bag. In fact there's no relationship here that I can read.

CleanShirt · 27/05/2025 06:42

How old is he?

Dreamerinme · 27/05/2025 06:47

Your friends need higher standards because right now they are near the floor. This man doesn’t sound at all right for you so move on and you will find someone who is right for you and a suitable person to be involved in your DD’s life.

BikkieTime · 27/05/2025 06:52

This is literally just some bloke. There isn't a relationship you owe anything to, yet. Yes, you've been talking to him but you've met him in person 4 times and now you have enough information to know he's not for you. Don't stick around longer because then you'll have the sunk cost fallacy to deal with as well as your friends' bad advice!

GreyCarpet · 27/05/2025 06:55

Ooh this makes me so cross, OP!

Not you but the misogynistic bollocks that means 'single mums' should just be grateful that someome is willing to 'take them on' and you have no right to have expectations if you've already got a 'failed relationship' behind you (that's the bullshit I got from my mum anyway).

They’ve also said that I can’t afford to be so picky given I’m a single mum now.

You can afford to he picky and, more than that, you absolutely must be for the sake of your child. It's a privilege to be allowed into someone else's family and if you don't feel that you've met someone worthy of that privilege yet, that's fine. And, if he doesn't see it as a privilege, then he's not right for you.

You don't need to give anyone 'a chance' when it comes to dating, your body, your little world and especially when there is a child in it.

If it doesn't feel right, it's not right.

Ouvavuuu · 27/05/2025 06:57

You absolutely can afford to be picky and you can expect gentlemanly behaviour. Don’t undervalue yourself.

CatWithAGreenHat · 27/05/2025 06:58

I’m sorry but your family and friends are wrong. Why do you need to give people a chance if your gut is telling you something is off and you feel they are not right for you? Doing that will definitely land you with someone you will bitterly regret later on.

Your friends and family seem to want to take you down a notch by saying you are a single mum now and hence need to take all the leftovers and rubbish that come your way. Like you are not worth much. They should be supportive and building you up but they are not, are they? Are they jealous of your independence?

Stick to your guns and carry on as you were. He’s not asked about your daughter because that part of your life doesn’t exist or matter to him, his attention is on partying/drinking. He sounds quite crap tbh, your lifestyles and stage in life are completely mismatched and he will never be the person you want him to be (nice partner who cares about you and you daughter). So why waste more time on him? Because your friends and family say so? They can date him if they want.

category12 · 27/05/2025 07:06

What do you mean by gentlemanly behaviour?

I'm not sure him not being interested in your child at 4 dates in is a red flag, I'd be more worried about him if he was overly interested. But I suppose if he's a party-guy and totally disinterested in family life, he'd be a terrible match.

As pps have said, being a single mum is more reason to be picky, not less. Keep your standards high and listen to your gut.

Piggled · 27/05/2025 07:27

I hate this narrative that women are somehow ‘lucky’ to have ‘landed’ a man and that they must keep hold of him at all costs. The bar is literally so low.
He sounds like a total loser.
seriously WHAT is so wrong with being single?

SlightlyFurther · 27/05/2025 07:29

BikkieTime · 27/05/2025 06:52

This is literally just some bloke. There isn't a relationship you owe anything to, yet. Yes, you've been talking to him but you've met him in person 4 times and now you have enough information to know he's not for you. Don't stick around longer because then you'll have the sunk cost fallacy to deal with as well as your friends' bad advice!

Exactly this. You’ve met a handful of times. Of course he ‘doesn’t care about you’ — you’re virtual strangers! There’s no issue whatsoever about ‘ending things’.

And I think your friends don’t have your best interests at heart by trying to impress their depressingly low standards on you.

Enrichetta · 27/05/2025 07:53

I wouldn’t expect much in terms of getting compliments, and I do wonder what exactly you are hoping for in terms of ‘gentlemanly behaviour’ which, to me, is an odd term. Do you mean he is uncouth or borderline rude?

However, I would I be surprised by a young single man not showing interest in a date’s child so early on in the relationship.

living at home may also be fine if he is young and/or saving up to buy a property. However, the focus on drinking and partying would be a huge red flag for me, especially if I had a child. But even if I were childless, I wouldn’t want to have a partner who doesn’t have any meaningful interests and wastes his life on fleeting moments of ‘fun’. And for me personally, drinking and partying wouldn’t be fun anyway.

Bottom line: this man isn’t right for you. Continue to stick to your priorities and listen to your gut.

Bittenonce · 27/05/2025 12:16

Your friends are wrong! You MUST be picky!
He lives at home, binge drinks, doesn’t care about your DD, he’s immature…..
Fuck. Him. Off.
Don’t waste any more time or energy, you know this is going nowhere good.

giddyauntie123 · 27/05/2025 12:19

He hasn't asked about your kids because he is still one, and would likely seem them as competition. Who arranges all the dates?

Hoolihan · 27/05/2025 12:21

Your friends are giving you shit advice.

NovemberMorn · 27/05/2025 12:28

Ignore your friends, they are not in your shoes.
You have a daughter, that should be the main priority when you are thinking about dating.
This 'man' sounds way too young to be taking on a ready-made family, and after so few dates, I doubt he is thinking long term anyway.
Neither should you be tbh.
As for you being too picky...when you have a child to consider, and the safety and happiness of your future to aim for, there is no such thing.

SparklyGlitterballs · 27/05/2025 12:29

I wouldn't get too hung up on not asking about your child. You're only 4 dates in and he needs to get to know you first before he shows any interest in your DC. The thing that would put me off is him living at home and wanting to drink and party a lot. That isn't someone who should be dating a person with DC.if he's immature too and can't make the effort to say even "you look lovely" or any sort of compliment then he's not trying that hard. Do you compliment him?

Not sure what you mean by 'gentlemanly behaviour'? A lot of guys don't bother with opening doors or pulling out chairs etc as we're all equal now and it can come across patronising. Or do you mean he burps and farts and swears in front of you? He should be showing you his best side this early in the relationship. Don't lower your standards and settle for the dregs, just because you're a single mum.

Dogaredabomb · 27/05/2025 12:31

You're at different life stages, even if you might be the same age. Don't waste your energy.

Frostynoman · 27/05/2025 12:32

Nope, pop this one back.

Ignore your friends - if you can’t then please don’t be so literal and persevere with this guy just to fall in to line or appease them.

There is nothing wrong with being selective when you have your child to look out for too

Doncarlos · 27/05/2025 12:33

I can’t imagine ever saying to my sister that she needs to lower her standards and just settle for whatever comes her way, especially considering she has a child.