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Original poster

Birthday stress a thing?

50 replies

CyndiLauper · 26/05/2025 20:02

Celebrated my partner’s birthday (the first one spent together) and it was very… weird. He seemed totally frazzled the whole day. I made an effort with thoughtful presents (and ££ ones) and he barely clocked them. Also brought presents for his child to give him as he is young and didn’t have any, made cake etc. Had friends over to his (who were quite full on) and then when I went to go home in the evening (had no plans to stay and have never stayed if his child is there) he had a mild hissy fit about wanting me to stay as we’d barely spoken. We were both very tired and I just wanted to get home, clean etc. He’s barely been in contact today and is obviously pissed off about something.

What IS this? He is an introvert so was probably a lot for him, but he invited the extra friends. I’m annoyed I’m feeling I’ve done something wrong when I all I wanted was him to have a nice bloody day!

OP posts:
Lostinmyself · 26/05/2025 20:04

This is strange. Even in the time u spent on gifts, I presume you were alone? He was stressed?

Original poster
CyndiLauper · 26/05/2025 20:06

Lostinmyself · 26/05/2025 20:04

This is strange. Even in the time u spent on gifts, I presume you were alone? He was stressed?

His child was there the whole time… yes he was still stressed when gave him presents and we went out and had lunch. He admitted he was “frazzled” at one point

OP posts:
Original poster
CyndiLauper · 26/05/2025 20:07

No messages of thanks for the presents or anything and has ignored my “hope you had a lovely day” etc

OP posts:
Lostinmyself · 26/05/2025 20:07

maybe you need to just voice this with him. He shouldn’t be stressed in the company of his partner and his kid to the point he’s not acknowledging the effort you went to or even put on a show for the wee one

Lostinmyself · 26/05/2025 20:09

Please don’t think you have done anything wrong this is a him issue. The fact he’s now ignoring you is rude! I know it’s a first birthday together but how long have you been together? Did his friends notice his change in behaviour?

TwistedWonder · 26/05/2025 20:10

Did he know you were going to do so my h for him? If he’s an introvert, maybe it was too much fuss and it triggered anxiety.

Some people just don’t really do birthdays and want a fuss free day.

Original poster
CyndiLauper · 26/05/2025 20:12

Thanks… I keep thinking “maybe I didn’t help enough with the cooking” or something… I hadn’t met the friends apart from one. One was VERY OTT and held court and partner is very quiet at the best of times.
He seemed most pissed off when I said I had to get home to clean my house (I do say that a lot) but was feeling the vibes and wanted out! Maybe I should have stayed.

OP posts:
Original poster
CyndiLauper · 26/05/2025 20:14

TwistedWonder · 26/05/2025 20:10

Did he know you were going to do so my h for him? If he’s an introvert, maybe it was too much fuss and it triggered anxiety.

Some people just don’t really do birthdays and want a fuss free day.

He organised the people and food himself. And didn’t tell me! I asked ahead about the gifts for his child to give and he was keen on that. So….? One of the gifts I gave was very personalised and ££, but he’s an extravagant gift giver to me. Maybe it was “too much”

OP posts:
TheRealMrsFeltz · 26/05/2025 21:35

Sounds like he wanted to spend quality time one on one with you. I’d probably be a bit peeved if my OH said they’d rather go home and clean!

category12 · 26/05/2025 21:53

No wonder he's peeved if the best you could come up with as a reason to go was to clean 😂.

Not saying staying if he was ratty would have been a great idea, but to clean?!

Original poster
CyndiLauper · 26/05/2025 22:18

Hmm yeah it wasn’t a great excuse but it was one of many along with not having my things, or being prepared. He was annoyed I put the cleaning over him (again). But still, no reason to be frazzled all day before that and not thank me or comment on presents etc and still be offish now? Unless it’s clearly become a bigger thing

OP posts:
Ohrainyrainy · 27/05/2025 03:34

I must say I find it absolutely amazing that adults make such a big fuss about birthdays.
Presents in plural and the whole day being spent " celebrating" sounds more exhausting than Christmas.
I'm not surprised if you were both tired and out of sorts.

category12 · 27/05/2025 05:49

Ohrainyrainy · 27/05/2025 03:34

I must say I find it absolutely amazing that adults make such a big fuss about birthdays.
Presents in plural and the whole day being spent " celebrating" sounds more exhausting than Christmas.
I'm not surprised if you were both tired and out of sorts.

Yes, why celebrate anything at all, it's too much faff and stress. Let's just ignore all occasions, especially ones that are for individuals in case they think they're special or something.

Ohrainyrainy · 27/05/2025 05:53

category12 · 27/05/2025 05:49

Yes, why celebrate anything at all, it's too much faff and stress. Let's just ignore all occasions, especially ones that are for individuals in case they think they're special or something.

Show quote history

There is a difference between marking the occasion of a birthday and adults expecting the same same fuss about them as when they are a child.

User27563 · 27/05/2025 05:56

Sounds like it might have been a case of communicating expectations?

Perhaps he'd assumed you'd stay over because it was his birthday (birthday sex?) and was just disappointed/surprised you weren't?

And you assumed he'd know you weren't because you don't normally stay when his child's there?

Also if he is an introvert perhaps it was just a bit much, some people are funny about birthdays.

No excuse for rudeness though.

Talk it through with him

itsgettingweird · 27/05/2025 05:59

My ds finds days like this stressful.

He’s autistic and doesn’t know how to act when the attention is on him and it’s out of the norm. Receiving gifts etc is stressful for him.

So I guess it’s a thing.

If the relationship is otherwise good just talk to him about it.

category12 · 27/05/2025 06:15

Ohrainyrainy · 27/05/2025 05:53

There is a difference between marking the occasion of a birthday and adults expecting the same same fuss about them as when they are a child.

Show quote history

Presents, a meal and friends over for the day doesn't seem that extravagant to me.

It's not like he had all his class there and a magician 😂

I just find the MN thing of posters coming on to tell people adult birthdays aren't worth celebrating a bit austere and tiresome.

Ohrainyrainy · 27/05/2025 06:23

category12 · 27/05/2025 06:15

Presents, a meal and friends over for the day doesn't seem that extravagant to me.

It's not like he had all his class there and a magician 😂

I just find the MN thing of posters coming on to tell people adult birthdays aren't worth celebrating a bit austere and tiresome.

Show quote history

Well actually I think when you are an adult there isn't much to " celebrate" about getting yet another year older. It can actually be a bit depressing.
I'm all for marking the occasion by showing a loved one they've actually remembered the day with a card or small present to show their appreciation of that person. But I find this " celebration" idea strange.

category12 · 27/05/2025 06:34

Ohrainyrainy · 27/05/2025 06:23

Well actually I think when you are an adult there isn't much to " celebrate" about getting yet another year older. It can actually be a bit depressing.
I'm all for marking the occasion by showing a loved one they've actually remembered the day with a card or small present to show their appreciation of that person. But I find this " celebration" idea strange.

Show quote history

Well that's your view, but I think any excuse to celebrate is a good one and an excuse to make a loved one feel extra-appreciated is nice too.

Lots of people like to continue celebrating, those that don't, don't have to.

As for age not being something to celebrate, well, the way I look at it, ageing is happening whether we like it or not. Making it through another year is pretty good news 😂

Cynic17 · 27/05/2025 07:12

Ohrainyrainy · 27/05/2025 03:34

I must say I find it absolutely amazing that adults make such a big fuss about birthdays.
Presents in plural and the whole day being spent " celebrating" sounds more exhausting than Christmas.
I'm not surprised if you were both tired and out of sorts.

This. He may be one of those people - and there are many of us - who find fussing over our own birthdays to be excruciating and embarrassing. It's just a relief when the day is over and we can go back to normal, tbh.

category12 · 27/05/2025 07:15

Cynic17 · 27/05/2025 07:12

This. He may be one of those people - and there are many of us - who find fussing over our own birthdays to be excruciating and embarrassing. It's just a relief when the day is over and we can go back to normal, tbh.

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He asked the friends over so seems like he wanted to celebrate.

He also has a voice.

Doingmybest12 · 27/05/2025 07:28

Some people do find the whole birthday and socialising thing as pressure. But I think you going home to clean on his birthday might ve not have helped matters. If you are looking for excuses not to be there as you've said it a lot. Then this rationship isn't working or feeling good for you.

Original poster
CyndiLauper · 27/05/2025 07:31

Each to their own but I do make a fuss about all birthdays. Think it’s good to show the children adults being appreciated and celebrated too. And find it’s a plus about being in a couple, someone to celebrate with. It’s a mix of having to sing happy birthday to myself alone through my teen years and my mum dying young I guess. And he is of the same ilk. He is ASD so maybe finds it tricky to emote.

I do put too much pressure on myself to make it all perfect though and do get a bit overwhelmed myself, so am def going to tone it down in future! I’d already taken him out the week before for a posh child-free lunch!

OP posts:
SlightlyFurther · 27/05/2025 07:35

CyndiLauper · 27/05/2025 07:31

Each to their own but I do make a fuss about all birthdays. Think it’s good to show the children adults being appreciated and celebrated too. And find it’s a plus about being in a couple, someone to celebrate with. It’s a mix of having to sing happy birthday to myself alone through my teen years and my mum dying young I guess. And he is of the same ilk. He is ASD so maybe finds it tricky to emote.

I do put too much pressure on myself to make it all perfect though and do get a bit overwhelmed myself, so am def going to tone it down in future! I’d already taken him out the week before for a posh child-free lunch!

Ok, well if he has ASD and you were ‘overwhelmed’ from trying to make it all perfect because of your own understandable issues from childhood, it’s hardly surprising the result was a ‘frazzled’ man and a woman dying to escape to do housework, but also upset that he wasn’t more grateful?

PollyHutchen · 27/05/2025 07:35

Sounds as though you did your best to be caring, generous and sensitive - and got nothing back. Possible red flag. At the very least something to discuss before too long.