Birthday stress a thing?

[CyndiLauper]

Celebrated my partner’s birthday (the first one spent together) and it was very… weird. He seemed totally frazzled the whole day. I made an effort with thoughtful presents (and ££ ones) and he barely clocked them. Also brought presents for his child to give him as he is young and didn’t have any, made cake etc. Had friends over to his (who were quite full on) and then when I went to go home in the evening (had no plans to stay and have never stayed if his child is there) he had a mild hissy fit about wanting me to stay as we’d barely spoken. We were both very tired and I just wanted to get home, clean etc. He’s barely been in contact today and is obviously pissed off about something.

What IS this? He is an introvert so was probably a lot for him, but he invited the extra friends. I’m annoyed I’m feeling I’ve done something wrong when I all I wanted was him to have a nice bloody day!

But this is his birthday and it’s not about you think he should celebrate it. You can’t project what you think someone else’s birthday should be onto them and expect them to be grateful if it’s not what they wanted. You meant well but it sounds as though it’s about what you wanted rather than him.

I think the talk of the money you’ve spent and how you got presents from his DC for you’ve been with less than a year is a bit much tbh specially as you say he’s an introvert with ASD.

I imagine he wanted a nice day with you and a couple of friends then a night together rather than a big fuss and you dashing off home to clean.

Maybe you need a discussion about both of your expectations around celebrations because it sounds like you’re on completely different pages.

I’m annoyed I’m feeling I’ve done something wrong when I all I wanted was him to have a nice bloody day!

Had you both discussed what he wanted for his birthday?

I can't speak for him but I will tell you what birthdays are like for me in case it's relevant and gives some insight.

I don't celebrate my birthday. I'm 51 now and I haven't celebrated it for 33 years. There are many reasons for this, which aren't relevant here.

That doesn't mean other people haven't tried at various points. And I always went along with it because they were only trying to do something nice for me and i didn't want to disappoint them or appear ungrateful (and sometimes they just didnt listen and went ahead anyway). It also sounded nice weeks in advance and i often liked the idea of it and thought id probably enjoy it when it happened. I was probably quite enthusiastic at points. But, in reality, I found it very overwhelming and struggled hugely. I felt overwhelmed, stressed, pressurised, guilty, ungrateful. Horrible. Even when surrounded by friends and family.

I know that other people only have good intentions and want me to feel loved and to have a nice time but my experience of it is very different to that.

I'd have a proper conversation about it.

I know some people love to have a fuss made of them and other people love to make a fuss of others. And others don't. And it's a real never the twain shall meet situation.

Oh and I would also ignore 'hope you had a lovely day' messages from someone I felt I'd let down. It just be so overwhelmed I wouldn't be able to process it properly. I'd be aware they'd tried to make it nice and I'd feel I'd ruined it but none of it would have been a choice. And I'd need time to regulate my feelings on it.

I also find other people's birthdays very difficult to navigate too because I'm not sure what I'm expected to do for them because it feels like an alien experience that others seem to love but triggers a fight or flight response in me.

So, I'd also say that I'd celebrating your own birthday is important to you, he just might not be the right person for you.

He is ASD so maybe finds it tricky to emote.

Well that's your answer then.

Usually it’s fine, it’s just my default - as my house is usually messy and yesterday I’d left the cake making stuff out too in a rush. As explained it was part of a few reasons as I wasn’t expecting to stay but prob on reflection shouldn’t have mentioned that one

No he definitely wanted a birthday thing, we’d spoken about it and I’d checked with him about his kids presents and he also gave me very generous gifts for mine.

He is the one who invited extra friends, I had no idea until a few hours before! So he brought that on himself if that’s what caused the frazzlement.

Yes ASD but he can usually say thanks for a nice day, as we both do after any other nice day. Esp when I asked him specifically. And thanks for the present etc. Instead I’m left feeling - I believe on purpose - it wasn’t enough and I’ve messed up by not just staying the night.

Amazing that on MN you can do something nice for someone that they actually WANT then they can have a hissy fit over not getting their way and are rude, and it’s my fault 🤦‍♀️

I am really into celebrating all birthdays - think it’s good for children to see adults being celebrated too. Maybe it’s because I spent my teens singing happy birthday to myself and my mum died young. Thought it was a perk of being in a couple, someone to organise things with etc. But yes, def going to tone down the pressure I put on myself to make their day special! It was exhausting. I’m not looking for excessive thanks at all - just a thanks for the presents or a lovely day is surely the bare minimum 😂

We call
this ‘ birthday- itis’ in our house. Where the birthday person is in a mood or someone else is in a mood on the other persons birthday. Some people get overwhelmed on their birthdays and others get jealous on other peoples. If your DP hasn’t had happy birthdays in the past this might have overwhelmed him. He should have appreciated your efforts though and I’d definitely say something about it.

My eldest adult dd gets really overwhelmed on her birthdays and Christmas and never seems to be appreciative. She has Adhd though. Just went and read the rest of your comments and seen he has ASD, that's the reason then.

Respectfully, this is part of your issue. You put pressure on yourself to get things ‘perfect’ because of your own memory of unideal childhood birthdays, and then get cross when it doesn’t produce the kind of gratitude you imagine you would feel if someone went to that kind of trouble for you on your birthday.

Meaning you’re overtired and he’s frazzled (possibly because he was introducing you to all but one of his friends for the first time, possibly because you seem to have taken a dislike to one, which may have been obvious — for someone not naturally gregarious, introducing people can be stressful’) ,and there’s been a miscommunication about you staying over. If he’s a low-energy kind of person, expensive presents AND lunch out AND having friends over AND cooking for the friends etc AND cake and a newish girlfriend who feels strongly about celebrating birthdays, may have been quite a lot.

Well yes by writing all that I was admitting it’s my issue too. But even so, it doesn’t excuse lack of thanks for any of it!

I am the first one to “blame” myself for these things and he knows that and has often used that to deflect away some of his own issues. Not right.

They were new friends of his too (apart from the one I knew). I did like them but one was very very OTT and he’d warned me about it. I was fine with it but we were both a little drained by it all. He literally did not stop!

Yes ASD but he can usually say thanks for a nice day, as we both do after any other nice day. Esp when I asked him specifically. And thanks for the present etc. Instead I’m left feeling - I believe on purpose - it wasn’t enough and I’ve messed up by not just staying the night

I think you need to read up on autism tbh.

It doesn't sound like it wasn't enough, it sounds like it was too much. And he might not have realised it would be too much. And he might have been excited about it in advance but the reality was that it was too much only, by the time he realised that, it was too late.

And he might not even have realised because it might have happened too quickly
Sometimes, with autism, the overhwlem catches people unawares and comes out of nowhere.

This is because there is often a delay in emotional processing, where an autistic person feels something but can't identify what the emotion is. All emotions cause the same physiological response, we interpret our emotion based on the context. Eg Christmas Eve - excitement; driving test - anxiety.

It's not about you can't do something nice for someone on MN without being blamed for it it's about understanding.

I am the first one to “blame” myself for these things and he knows that and has often used that to deflect away some of his own issues. Not right.

If you think he is doing this and you're not happy then end it. No one is forcing you to stay in a relationship you're not happy in.

If your partner is an introvert is was probably too much stimulation for him. He might have preferred just to have had a quiet meal with you and his child.

How long have you been in a relationship with him?
Perhaps he found all the attention suffocating?
If the relationship is new-ish, perhaps he felt it was too much too soon.
Perhaps he's not that into you. Sorry but that's one possible explanation for his behaviour.

Yes, exactly. It sounds like it’s not really working, and his birthday has just highlighted this.

Thanks all. Hmmm maybe a bit dramatic to chuck out an otherwise good relationship based on one day 😆. Don’t think he’s not into me as he’s always saying how in love he is.

On reflection think I’m miffed as the present was quite personalised and I had it made and was a bit awkward about giving it.

Well you’re either getting older or you’re dead…

Hence why people celebrate the former! 🥳

Have apologised for not staying. He didn’t comment on that. Asked if ok and says his battery is flat. Is offish. Leaving him be now. Dramatic turnaround from the “so in love with you” of last week. Assuming he has other stress going on but it really is making me feel a bit crap

Tbh, OP, it sounds like you're not really suited to dating someone with autism. And that's not a criticism!

On reflection think I’m miffed as the present was quite personalised and I had it made and was a bit awkward about giving it.

It sounds like expectations were quite high all round, which is tough.

But this is who he is and who he will always be.

Thanks. It’s not an official diagnosis so not sure. I’m pretty open to it though

Don’t know if anyone is still here from this but he’s basically dumped me. Hasn’t spoken to me all week and I said it was making me anxious. He wouldn’t call me. So I called and he said my anxiety is a problem, it ruined his birthday as I was worried about the presents, the food etc etc. So feel I walked into a trap. Then after about 10 minutes he said talking isn’t working we’ll talk another time and hung up. This is after almost a year of love etc! I’m more miffed than anything :(

Oh sorry OP.

Maybe there's something else going on you're unaware of.

Seems odd to end it like that.

It’s does sound like he’s using it as an excuse tbh.

Aw I’m sorry to read your update OP! It does seem like he’s using it as an excuse.

He was the one who was frazzled on the day, I’m not sure where he’s getting the idea that you were anxious about the gifts and the food? Were you? You did say you wanted to go home to clean up the cake mess but that was after him being frazzled/off the whole day so that doesn’t add up.

Not saying there’s anything wrong with you but had you meet these friends before? Could it be possible they said something (negative) about you to him, or that they didn’t like you for some reason?

Hope you’re feeling OK 🤍

Thanks. Hmmm I don’t think they’d have said anything… maybe though.

I feel he is projecting. He’s pointing out things about how I said the knife was too sharp, the length of the necklace might be too short and how I didn’t want to ride a bike that day (haven’t been on one for years and it was windy!). All Pretty normal stuff? But apparently I’m sabotaging my own happiness with such anxiety and second guessing?!

He has said that it felt I was pushing him away. There was def that vibe but I picked up on it from him…

He is a super anxious introvert and I’m usually not but have been struggling with work stress and hormones the past few weeks so have been a bit teary and anxious. He clearly can’t handle it. I don’t know where this will go from here.