My partner said it’s over after 15 years

[FlakyBrickTiger]

If you have seen any of my threads me and my partner have had issues for a while. Last night I lost it and blew it out of proportion and have no idea why. I have such a short fuse. It all stems back to alcohol and forgetting he has a family when he is out.
he walked out last night, blocked me, won’t speak to me. Says he hates me, he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t even want to look at me. We have 2 kids together and he said he will have to speak with me through legal channels now. How can he do this to me? I’ve said I’m sorry, I’ve said I’ll change but he is having none of it. I feel absolutely broken hearted. I don’t know what to do

Why do I feel this bad, I feel like I’ve had my heart ripped out. I’ve never felt so alone. He is very successful and clever I don’t stand a chance against him. I have nothing other than love to offer my kids

Hes not that clever. Ask his liver 🙄

what’s the other side to this story/.

this is mn where the woman is always in the right and the man is always a bastard.

invariably it’s not always that simple and there are two sides.

at the end of the day, the relationship is now over, and from what the op says is toxic on both sides.

unfortunately when a relationship ens then the children will be dividing their time between parents. that’s the life of separation.

as you’re not married you won’t have any financial rights other than maintenance assuming he doesn’t have the dc 50/50.

as he’s wanting to go through legal channels wrt the dc that is your best bet so that a mutual agreement can be reached over the dc.

i’m afraid you won’t have a choice wrt not seeing the dc.

Then kindly, you need to put your children first as you're clearly not doing so at the moment. No child should be forced to live with a drunk, cocaine addicted abuser

Hes done you a favour.
Youre panicking right now because hes done such a number on you, but honestly, you shouldn't be bringing your kids up with an alcoholic that apparently hasnt liked you for 10 years but is apparently too weak and pathetic to do anything, and just drinks.

You need to put your kids first and get off the merry-go-round

Well start showing your kids that love and getting them out of a toxic abusive honestly which will damage them for their entire lives if you stay

He drinks too much,
he 'forgets' to stay in touch whilst out on one of his benders,
he spends family money on booze,
he accuses you of 'nagging' (misogynist in itself) for asking where he is and expecting him to stay in touch while you do all the grunt work.

Block him and bolt the door.

He said he hasn’t really liked me for 10 years so I don’t feel great about myself but hoping it was just said in the moment but I am not that lucky. It’s all my fault, I just want to put it right.

OP, he’s the one wrecking your family life with his drinking. It’s not your fault, so stop blaming yourself. I’ve seen the harm done by a problem drinker continuing down generations.

I don’t know why you gave up paid work, but it puts you in a weak position. Can you find a job? And do find out what benefits you can get, and how much maintenance he will have to pay for your children before you leave. Make sure you have evidence of all his income.

Regardless of finances, though, you need to get yourself and DC away from him as fast as possible, because he will be ruining their lives too.

He’s done you a favour OP because this relationship was clearly no good for either of you. You may not see it now but this will one day be looked at as the best thing he ever did.

He’s an alcoholic and his primary relationship is with drink, it’s not with you and it’s never been with you either.

This

Also what is this saving for a wedding? I don't get it.

DH & me got married 38 years ago without a huge deal, registry job. If you want to get married JFDI (Just Fucking Do It)! No need for fancy-pants ceremony, as it's about you & him making a commitment to each other.

This is nothing to do with being married. We aren’t in this place because we aren’t married. I don’t know why I come on here, I thought jt was a support page

it is supporting you - telling you to find your self esteem and stop tolerating a shit relationship with an abusive addict. Don't your kids deserve better than that?

Every single post in this thread is supportive and telling you what deep in your heart you know is true.

What did you want from this thread? No one is going to say ‘yes what an absolute prize this bloke is, do whatever you can to keep him happy regardless of how it affects you and your kids’

Support isn’t blind validation - it’s honesty.

It is a support page OP. Problem is sometimes when we are in pain we aren’t ready to take on other views. Not to say other folk are right, just mean it’s common to want not advice but seek corroboration. MN if nothing else can give a whole spectrum of 2pence worth.
Most folk do genuinely care though and want to help. How are things tonight? Hoping you managing to get some rest at least.

This is indeed a supporting site. Indeed he has done a number on you over the years too for you to believe it’s your fault he’s apparently left.

What happened to you for you to become involved with such a man in the first place?. Did you meet him when you were vulnerable and or in a bad place yourself?. He targeted you to abuse and mistreat you and now you’re going to have to rebuild your life and that of your kids(who have seen more than enough )from the ground up.

Agree with @Shadesofscarlett

OP do you think it's healthy to raise kids in this environment? You'll do more damage tbh you need to leave

@FlakyBrickTiger its understandable that you feel heart broken. He’s said some very cruel things to you and it’s not simple to just get over the end of a long term relationship. You need to grieve, it’s a loss and you need to work through that but we can all see that this is actually a positive thing for you.

We’re supporting you by pointing out that this relationship is in no way healthy. In a warped way he’s done you a favour by ending it, something that you probably know you should’ve done a long time ago but didn’t. You may have been scared to be a single parent, concerned about the financial implications, be lost in the sunk cost fallacy, felt comfort in the familiarity of him or hoped beyond reason that things would improve - whatever the reason was you couldn’t take that step (despite the excessive drinking, the cocaine habit, the infidelity, the cruelty he showed you) and now you are being pushed when you couldn’t jump. Hopefully you will come to realise that this is a positive thing but it’s clear he’s done a real number on your self esteem and what is acceptable in a relationship. He’s really manipulated you into believing that you are awful and this is all your fault when it clearly isn’t. The fact we’re all saying the same thing will hopefully help you tap into that tiny voice in your head, the gut feeling that this relationship was toxic, that he is not good for you.

Deep down you know it, you’ve posted over the last few months and each time it’s something worse. For whatever reason you’ve chosen to forgive, ignore or bury the concerns you have, holding on to something that just isn’t there. No one is saying this will be easy but once you are past the shock and initial grief you will start to see what we can see so clearly. You deserve better, take this opportunity to make it a reality, if not for yourself but for your kids.

@Never2many just to say that of course there are always two sides but if you read the op’s comments and posts over the last few months you’ll understand that her partner is an alcoholic with a severe cocsine addiction and most likely has been cheating on her. I know not everyone reading will know this but as she mentioned previous posts I looked them up for context.

She uses terminology that he uses to describe her, none of what she asks of him is unreasonable but he uses derogatory language to make her feel like she’s flying off the handle when she’s just asking for the bare minimum, resulting in her feeling unable to speak up at all and putting the blame on herself. He’s manipulated her and battered her self-esteem so severely that she can’t imagine a life without this awful man.

So yes there are two sides but looking at the whole picture I’m seeing an unfaithful, drunk, drug addicted, gaslighting man and a vulnerable woman who has no self-esteem, unjustly believes she is at fault for the failings of her relationship, clinging on to an abusive man she should’ve left some time ago.

How do you know how the OP acts towards the partner? why is it all on the partner?

Kick this arsehole to the kerb.

Do not settle for being in a sham of a relationship with this man who says he doesn't like you and hasn't for 10 years. He is using you to bring up his children and keep house while he goes off drinking and god knows what. This is not your fault, he's a twat of epic proportions.

Are any of your children girls? Is this the kind of relationship you'd want for your daughters? Because they will learn from how you allow yourself to be treated.

Why would YOU change ?

I am confused why you even want him back, you really can do so much better !

I'll tell you who else is successful and clever. Solicitors. Would be a great idea to go get one in your corner.

He sounds like a selfish prick. Unfortunately by losing control, you’ve played into his hands and it’s given him the perfect excuse to play the wronged victim, when that is in fact you after years of his bullshit.

You’re panicking now but you will realise the the garbage has taken itself out.

I got out of an abusive relationship. There was no way I could let my boys grow up in that kind of environment. My ex was a drunken nasty cheating bully but at the time i thought that was all I was worth. New years eve 1999 he hit me so hard the edge of his ring cut my forehead. All because I'd messaged him to ask him to get nappies while he eas having an after work pint.
That was it.
I packed our stuff ( crying my eyes out feeling sick), luckily could stay with my dad. And I got onto citizens advice and for the first time in ages I had to sort things like a job. Was bloody terrifying but if I said it was the absolute best thing I ever did For my kids and me...you might not believe me.

People will support you with leaving in the best way possible. You don’t see that this is the support you need as you are too close to it