Haven't found my tribe

[ElatedRaven]

I was brought up by a domineering mother (father left when I was young and never saw him again) and wasn't given much freedom. Money was really tight, we lived in a council house, I was on free school meals and wore charity shop clothes/second hand uniform. I was bullied at school because of this. A friend's brother told them not to have anything to do with me because I was 'socially inferior' and another friend's dad wouldn't let me in their house as he disapproved of divorce. I left school, went to university and got a good job but I have always felt inadequate and have struggled to fit in. I know lots of people (mostly ex colleagues) but everything is superficial. Over the years I have joined groups - choirs, fitness groups, evening classes, etc but I always seem to be on the periphery. I am in my mid fifties now and feel that I will never find my tribe or even a best friend. Not sure why I am posting - I'm just feeling a bit sad at the moment I guess.

It will be something you are doing, unconsciously, if the pattern has been the same in all settings. The good thing is that this means you can change it. If your early experiences are still impacting the way you think about yourself, and the way you are around other people, therapy with a good therapist could be transformative. I grew up dirt poor, too, so I hear you.

Thank you SlightlyFurther. I think I am too scared of putting myself out there and getting too involved with a group in case they reject me. I shouldn't feel embarrassed about my past but I am conscious of it and often feel like an imposter/out of place. I have had counselling in the past - maybe I need more.

What do you actually enjoy, OP? What makes you happy? How do you relax? Swim? Garden? Cook? Read?

Perhaps you are trying too hard with all the groups and classes. Maybe look for something very low-key that is related to things you do when you aren't making an effort.

I feel pretty much the same. The last time I had real friends was at uni over 40 years ago! Like you, I’ve never felt part of any group since then - it’s exactly as you describe, always on the periphery, if not completely excluded. I’ve always found it extremely hurtful.

I’ve kind of accepted it now and understand that I’m not that popular person whose company people value. It’s hard not to get upset about rejection, when attempts to make friends are rebuffed. But I’ve reached a stage of acceptance that this is just how it is.

But lots of people won’t like you, just as you won’t like them. I think it’s best to think about what kind of people you like to be around, and where you’re most likely to encounter them, and also what you bring to potential friendships. If you’re still carrying around the weight of childhood rejections, that’s going to hold you back, too.

Where abouts do you live, OP? Just generally.

I’m similar. It’s my 40th birthday on the horizon, lots of people having parties but I can’t think of enough people to have a party and that makes me sad.
I do have a few friends and work colleagues but would be embarrassed to invite them because then they’d think ‘hang on … we’re her closest and only friends’

I’m also always on the edge of anything, any group I seem to fade out of because everyone else bonds so well.

I’m had wondering whether I might be autistic with both my children on the pathway for diagnosis but then I think, I’m happy, successful in my job, I think I have a good personality 🤣. I can’t put my finger on why I don’t have close friends.

Open your mind to having friends of all ages too. Being at the heart of friendship groups requires hard work, organising, hosting etc. Are you prepared to do that, because if you don't then you won't ever be there.

I'm much in the same boat op. I always am so happy when it seems like I've found a good female friend but usually it doesn't last. They have families that take precedent...get a new boyfriend...etc...and it's as if you were never close. I genuinely think it's often way sadder than a break up TBF so if you're not going through that then small mercies I suppose.

I'm quite happy in my own company. But I would so love to have friends like in that show 'Friends'.
Heck even a third of their closeness tbh. As to be fair they are a little interdependent lol.

I usually do put myself out there tbh. And I hope I walk a fair line between initiating hang outs vs giving space. I feel I'm generally pretty easy going. But I think... Some people really just don't value or have time for friendships. To find someone that does and who you gel with is pretty hard.

Hopefully there are people out there for us somewhere.

I feel exactly the same for some similar reasons but not all. Over the years I’ve tried all sorts of things. It’s been a bit of an issue all my life, though it was good between 16-23. More challenging after uni but has been worse since my marriage ended 16 years ago, shortly after we moved to a new area. At that point I had to get a job asap, had no time or money to socialise with parents from school (mostly daytime) but I made an effort.

Over the years I’ve done various dance classes, played an instrument, joined a regular craft class, joined a choir, worked a number of different jobs, invited neighbours in at Christmas, invited people over for drinks, meals etc, joined a book group, joined PTA, chaperoned children for activities, helped out with am dram for children (couldn’t commit to adult performances because of children) etc etc. My business means I’m well known and actively involved in the local community, I attend various cinema evenings, concerts etc. And I’ve made a total of 2 friends, one of whom has just ghosted me. The other, who would claim to be a sister, having opened up and shared just how challenging I’m finding life, has just ignored me for the entire weekend. I’ve not spoken to a soul since Saturday when I popped into work.

I’ve done a lot of therapy, I’ve addressed so much of my history, the rubbish childhood and bullying etc etc. I’ve got to a place where I’m happy in my skin. But none of that has made any difference. At the start of the year I had 2 friends, one of which ghosted me in January. The other, who tells me she is there for me, has not been in contact all weekend after I opened up and said I was struggling. She’s also been unkind in the past - it’s not a balanced relationship but it’s better than nothing.

I’ve had friends in the past, people think well of me, will happily help out at work, indeed they really rallied round during a recent crisis, and I know would help me out if I needed it. But it would be lovely to just have some actual friends. To have someone I could meet for coffee, go out for dinner with etc. I’m not asking for a lot.

@ElatedRaven completely relate. Am 52 and have no friends or family whatsoever. Every birthday, Xmas, NYE, summers are spent alone. I have two acquaintances who I perhaps see for a coffee once a year and occasional texts to see how things are and they are very superficial indeed. They both know know my situation and I noticed never ask me what I’m doing for Xmas or my birthday as they know I’ll be alone and guess don’t want to feel ‘obliged’ to ask me over or arrange something I guess.

This has been my life since I left uni really and like you, I can’t see me ever finding a best friend or a group now. The closest I came was when I had a relationship from 2022-2024 and being with my partner then felt like having a best friend. For the first time in almost 25 years, I also received birthday cards and Xmas cards and so many gifts. I remember opening them numbly and being overwhelmed but feeling nothing other than anxious that I’d have to ‘pretend’ to be excited when I felt nothing but emptiness/sadness. I loved my partner and was grateful but couldn’t really process it positively. I’ve always been a giver and because I have no one in my life, I would buy gifts for almost anyone 😅. It made me feel like ‘normal’ and not an alien like ‘look at me, in the gift card shop - I know people too!’.

Since my relationship was ended (by me due to his paranoia and controlling nature), I’m alone again and also facing facts that I may be alone forever. I’ve tried groups and no matter how friendly I try to be, I just see cliques all around and so now I’m focusing on trying to get a promotion at work as I have to consider the practicalities of my life and need a decent pension to support myself in the future! Once I’ve secured that, I may try to join groups again and if I can be brave enough, go to some local pubs perhaps alone just to get out the house and be amongst over humans - even if they’re strangers 🙃.

Sorry OP, no advice as such but just a bit of solidarity and empathy from me. I hope your life is able to change in the near future to how you’d like it to be ♥️

I can relate too, and the posters here sound like lovely possible friends.

I'm not keen on groups but am lucky that I do have 2 or 3 old friends, but they've all got partners, and since being on my own the last couple of years, today it dawned on me that what I would really like to do is make some new friends, as since being on my own I have literally met nobody new.

So if there is anyone in the Berkshire / Oxfordshire area of the UK, who would like to make new friends, maybe we could arrange to meet up?

Just an idea, but maybe it is a real possibility!

@secretskillrelationships I feel exactly the same! Just a few people to meet up with for coffee, a meal or a trip to a gallery or something.

Also like you, I believe I'm well thought of at work, I get on with people, so I honestly don't think it's because I'm a horrendous person! There must be something behind it but I have never been able to understand exactly what.

I guess I'm struggling to accept that this is it. I live in hope that, one day, I will find my tribe.

I have invited people for coffee/meet ups. Some have been stilted conversations and some seem to go OK but I still feel that they will reject me like people in my past (and some have which has been so upsetting).

I do hope that there are friends out there for us! I live in hope that one day I'll find someone I gel with. I hope you do too.

I totally get this.

Thank you. I wish you all the best too.

I'm in the NW.

Oh I empathise OP. As a result I’ve always felt a deep sense of inferiority and almost stuck in childlike patterns. And on the backfoot and willing to tolerate bad treatment in relationships. Seeing a good somatic therapist has really helped. Most people are struggling with some sort of “something” so don’t feel too different!

i do think my history was an issue for a long time. It did tend to make me a bit of a needy people pleaser. I felt different growing up and was steeped in shame, thanks to a narcissistic mother and an alcoholic father. I was bullied at secondary school, instigated by my best friend, so I definitely had some serious trust issues. But also I think I was desperate for friends so not very discerning. I had a string of friends who took advantage and then dropped me when I expected anything much back. I do feel I’ve addressed a lot of that, I no longer feel so ‘other’ and my last romantic relationship was much healthier as a result. But friendships still seem to elude me. I’ve noticed that women tend to join things in pairs, which also doesn’t help if you go by yourself.

i think it’s hard to keep trying when it hasn’t worked in the past and I’m feeling particularly sad about it at the moment. The thought of this being my life for the next 20-30 years is not appealing.

That is such a good insight OP

you maybe setting yourself to be rejected as it’s a familiar place. Change is very scary and comes with risk

what message are you saying to yourself when your in groups? They will dictate how people respond - so if you are saying people wont want to have a coffee with me they won’t etc etc

as said change is scary - support of a counsellor would be good alongside testing out going against your internal thinking

This sounds a lot like me, except for the good job bit. I was on the periphery all through my school years, and it never really improved afterwards. I’m just a bit too weird and unlikeable for most people.

I couldn’t help noticing that you’ve mentioned people who rallied around in your recent crisis but you don’t think these are friends? But surely they helped you because they think you’re friends?

I felt like several of the posters on this thread until well into my 30s, then eventually realised that I did have friends, it’s just that those relationships look very different to friendships I had at school or university. Not as intense, and there isn’t as much time spent together because people are working and/or have families. And they’re a far wider range of ages, backgrounds etc.

I think it would surprise you how many people don’t have many friends.

i think it can be tough making friends in adulthood. Especially if you have moved around for work.

Any larger groups of friends have usually met no later than university, with others being even earlier. And it’s usually people who have stayed in their hometown.

I’d also say that people can be lazy. I know lots of people who mainly socialise with their family. Otherwise, they only have 1 or 2 friends but are just too knackered/lazy to make an effort.

I have 1 friend who is a lovely popular person, but I’ve seen her once this year. We have friends in common and she can rarely make it for a night out.

she has 3 kids, works full time and is married. She also has a mother who relies on her, as well as a large wider family who spend most Sundays together.

By her own admission, she has no time to see her friends. But isn’t lonely because there are so many family members around her.

i know it doesn’t help change your situation, but i think that if you don’t have family around, life can be lonely.

I know it doesn’t help your situation but hoping it’s helpful to know that plenty of lovely, likeable people don’t have friends because adult life doesn’t really accommodate it