Haven't found my tribe

[ElatedRaven]

I was brought up by a domineering mother (father left when I was young and never saw him again) and wasn't given much freedom. Money was really tight, we lived in a council house, I was on free school meals and wore charity shop clothes/second hand uniform. I was bullied at school because of this. A friend's brother told them not to have anything to do with me because I was 'socially inferior' and another friend's dad wouldn't let me in their house as he disapproved of divorce. I left school, went to university and got a good job but I have always felt inadequate and have struggled to fit in. I know lots of people (mostly ex colleagues) but everything is superficial. Over the years I have joined groups - choirs, fitness groups, evening classes, etc but I always seem to be on the periphery. I am in my mid fifties now and feel that I will never find my tribe or even a best friend. Not sure why I am posting - I'm just feeling a bit sad at the moment I guess.

Same here xxx

I realised after I posted that I hadn’t clarified that the help was at work, was amazing, felt very much part of a community for the first time in a very long time. And then, when the crisis was over, it was back to how it was before and nothing had changed. I’ve attempted to build and suggested things to colleagues outside of work before and since but nothing has come of it.

I’ve no friendship issues, but am finding somatic therapy absolutely revelatory for other things. And yes to realising your body is holding ‘stuck’ patterns from your childhood.

I've felt like this too at times - I also think it is rooted in my childhood/family, despite having a few friends and lots of friendly acquaintances.

Adult circumstances too - I've moved around the UK a fair amount. My three closest friends are long distance friendships (one of which has only been re-kindled properly after a 20 year lull due to childrearing).

I think there have been different reasons at different times. Looking back I maintained friendships that should've ended long before they did (or not even started) out of a mix of obligation and the feeling that I should have more local friends. I also found I was too irritated by the foibles of some people in group friendships and it let it sour the whole group for me, so pulled away.

I think what I want from friendships now at 52 is quite different from when I was younger. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm hoping my fifties are a time for making more friends, now we have more time and perhaps more wisdom. I'm realising that I am enjoying casual encounters with strangers/colleagues much more too - or at least recognising I am - with no wish or even thoughts of making a friend. Just enjoying it for what it is.

I could go on and on about this! It is a focus of mine at the moment - working on my habits so I can enjoy other people more without being so guarded at times. If I find a tribe/another friend then good but just enjoying other people more is the aim and actively trying to be more radiator like!

I am late 40s and I think I lived in hope I would find 'my people' - I thought that was something I needed in life. To a degree, my last job was like a tribe but I'm no longer there and during CV19 some of my friends went off radar plus I reassessed the rest. I did have a 'best friend' but that ended just before lockdown, realised I'd been used as an emotional toilet and when no longer needed (she found a new boyfriend) she turned on me, I think she felt embarrassed at some of her behaviour and I realised I'd over-looked some other untruths she'd been peddling about other colleagues. Anyway, that was that.

The flipside of the lockdown years was that it immediately strengthened my relationship with my DP and made me appreciate my family a lot more. My two main friends are long distance so rarely see.

However, there was one friendship I do miss, she went off radar and I knew not to chase as she has PTSD and needs time alone for periods. I didn't pursue after such a long hiatus, we weren't in each other's pockets but would meet fairly regularly. It feels too late to try and contact again so hey ho.

Thing is, despite being fairly reserved I've always made friends relatively easily but, weirdly for a child perhaps, I'd never set much store by it so I guess the last five years have kind of galvanised that view - I also grew up with an absent father and now I come to think of it, based on what you've said, I wonder if my best friend at primary school just stopped hanging out with me and went off with another friend instead, I just quickly accepted it and sat with another group but I do wonder now if her parents got wind my mum was on her own and decided I wasn't a suitable friend for their daughter. My DP said once his friend's parents found out he lived in a poorer suburb they told him he couldn't come to their house!

Just thought would share as can relate to some of what you say, even though I don't really have any answers... except I've kind of come to the conclusion I won't find a 'tribe' - I think we don't live in those times. I honestly don't know what I'd do if my DP wasn't here but will cross that bridge when I come to it. Another thing I've often thought - you never have to be alone if you don't want to - I mean, in terms of company - but I'm sorry that you only feel on the periphery of things. Maybe I've just got absorbed into any group I've been in and ignored that I'm not really in a tribe, but the other thing to think about is - what you want to base it on. I'm not sure I believe in 'like minded' or 'same wavelength' any more. Or even if you are, the friendship can fizzle out.. or you can have a great laugh and social bonds with people you're not 'like minded' with. Sorry for waffling, I'm not very good at being succinct!

@ElatedRaven
I think you need to bury those awful things that were said to you when you were little once and for all.

No one is better than you and you’ll find the majority of people you meet, will be insecure and have skeletons in their wardrobes, they’re just good at hiding it.

Time to start loving yourself and stop feeling inadequate. Importantly never show that you’re desperate or put up with bad behaviour.

One quite exciting certainly is that we never know who we will be meeting next. Good luck 😊

That's how I feel I must be, weird and unlikeable. In fact my ex said to me people think I'm weird, and that really cut me, because I thought he was right. It really reinforced how I felt about myself. I've never been able to convince myself otherwise.

I'm very similar. I have a few very close friends but I've never had that big circle of friends, like you'd invite for a hen party say.
But I don't think it's necessarily an issue with me necessarily. I find a lot of groups can be quite odd, insular and often dominated by a few strong personalities. At school I wasn't part of any "group" but would associate with everyone. A quieter girl told me after that she really liked that as the popular group would ignore her and others.
After moving to where I live now I found a group but it had a "Queen Bee" who didn't like me and everyone closed ranks. Nothing was said to me but she was chief organiser and she stopped inviting me to things. A few said they didn't like this but not enough to call her out and support me! I find many groups can have these kind of dynamics.
I have thought about this as I know quite a few selfish people who are members of a big social circle (funnily enough two friends went out with one of these groups and said they were all awful).
I'm pleasant, interesting, funny. I have hobbies, I'm busy. I met a good friend through a hobby and another good friend through work! So don't rule out developing a friendship at work. You're obviously well liked there.
So in short, maybe it's not you but it's them.

I'm not great at making and keeping friends but my mother is. She's moved to different parts of the Country and establishes a friend group quick enough. I asked her about it once. She said it was a numbers game. Be open to everyone, join and participate but don't have expectations. She said if it isn't working or they do something that isn't great then move on. Don't try and understand why, don't hold resentment and don't overthink why it didn't work. When it is working, invest time, be thoughtful but not overbearing.
I try to put it into practice but struggle, tbh. I definitely overthink actions of past friends. If I have a mother like this and still struggle, then I can understand others find making friends a real challenge.

Honestly, I think 'tribe' is a SM thing. I have many individual friends, but it's hard to have a group of close friends unless you have something that already connects you, so maybe you're old school or uni friends, work friends or have a hobby in common. Random tribes are just something you see on TV (even then I'd argue they have something in common).

OP, is the reason you are on the periphery because of how you feel about your past and that it is making you inferior?

I have been at my workplace for years and always felt inferior as I had a lot of chaos going on in my life re. mental health, abuse, poverty etc. Had a bit of a breakdown and started opening up more at work and was astonished at how many people had similar circumstances or knew someone who had. I thought I was the only one and didn't belong in my middle class professional environment.

Lots of people have their own issus going on and are not 'perfect'. It might help to try and open up more rather than thinking you are different whoch could create a reserved manner. Therapy could help with that.

Great advice on this thread (Mumsnet is part of our tribe) and just echoing the two last posts here.

Firstly, I think it's quite important to have realistic expectations.

If you've had early trauma experiences you tend to look for "family replacements" to heal that wound.

Realistically most friendships are light and situational. People are mainly concerned with their kids and partner. We can have a great time with people without it being "ride or die". Or even seeing that person again.

I'm a nice person on an ad hoc basis, but I wouldn't want an intense friendship with someone as an adult where I felt I was expected to be a replacement mum or sister figure.

For things like loneliness, anxiety, I've found it best to develop my own solitary self care practices.

Meditation helps with emotional regulation and acceptance (Quakers and Buddhists have the social aspect and won't evangelise you, if you have time and money do the Krishnamurti centre).

I found psychedelics in Amsterdam very helpful for trauma/negative thinking. Never personally got on with therapy. I like Reddit and Mumsnet for chat and advice.

Solitary physical exercise like running or yoga. Journalling on Day One was good but I haven't found the need recently. Self care is an ongoing flexible thing not a quick fix ...so give it 1-2 years, try different things.

I agree that if you are interested in turbo charging your social life it is a numbers game.

Go to one new social thing every month or so....look up Meetups, find hobby/sports groups, have a weekend in a big city and attend groups there.

Go to "Shut up and write" events even if you only have paperwork to complete. Treat it like a part time job.

You're not there on a specific mission to make friends, you're there to get out of the house and practice your social skills every month. Its a win if you turn up.

You'll meet lots of weirdos and have some hellish evenings. But after a year or two you'll have identified the "nice" social spaces, you'll be a regular.

I wouldn't chase 1-1 friendships immediately, just turn up and keep it light.

I find the most welcoming spaces have a mix of genders, ages, backgrounds, and regulars and newbies. They tend to attract similar nice people so once you've found them you're in.

I echo pps who say small all female groups can be hard to crack...when I was just socialising trying to get a close all female "girl gang" I found it horrific!

Keeping a more open, pragmatic, and realistic mind about how to get my social needs met was very helpful.

This is me. Always on the periphery. Not good enough for anything else. That’s my issue, don’t feel good enough so I then isolate myself.

I have individual friends and did meet up
before covid. It was working and I met people, but I don’t fair well in groups and I’ve come to realise it’s me!

I think it’s human nature to feel like this. Or we both have the same issues but I think it’s entirely natural to feel like we don’t quite fit in. I’ve only ever felt like I do with DH and even then there’s the occasional dip.

I honestly feel you’re in a catch 22. You’re not letting yourself in and are putting yourself on the edge based on your childhood. What you went through sounds really tough but a lot of people held those views in the 80s and so on. From reading your OP, you sound like me so there are more people like you than you know.

get out there. Put the past behind you.

Just some practical advice.... my DC has autism so we are always reading these social skills books for children and teenagers, and I've got to say that they are very helpful! I've learnt a lot about striking up conversations, finding out about the other person, taking it further ('I saw an event happening next weekend, do you want to go?'). Also tips on asking questions and finding out what the other person finds important.
I've found these books to be really helpful (for myself) and they have given me confidence to speak to people more. Something like, well if I've read the conversation structure in a book, then it must be ok to say!

OP you sound like a lovely person and thank you for bringing up this topic as it clearly resonates with a lot of people xxx

on the subject of books how to make friends and influence people is a classic of the genre and may be a good starting point. Also if you find conversations difficult how to talk to anyone by Leil lowndes (name might be slightly wrong) is also good. She gave some advice that I followed which was just go and do stuff, even stuff that might not be your “thing”, because even if you do something like birdwatching or white water rafting once it gives you things to talk about with other people. So if you meet someone who’ll likes birdwatching or white rafting you can have a more knowledgeable conversation about it.

and finding a tribe/ best friend isn’t something that happens instantaneously. I’ve never had a “best friend” but lots of good friends and that comes about from common interests shared experiences. It’s difficult to pinpoint the stage at which someone transitions from being someone you know to a friend to a good friend.

good luck MN is full of people who also seem to be sitting at home most evenings with nothing better to do so we are here for you

I'm another one who's in the same boat. I'm 53 and my upbringing was similar to yours, OP. My mother spent her money on her horses. I had to wear secondhand clothes and nothing I achieved was ever good enough. All through my life, any close friend I've had has dropped me like a stone as soon as someone better/more useful has come along. Any class or group I've tried joining has resulted in me standing alone, no matter how much I've smiled and been friendly. People only want to speak to me if the conversation is about them. When I'm not at work, I'm alone. People over the years have told me how nice I am and how many lovely qualities I have, so why is it never enough?

If anyone is in South Wales, I'd be happy to hear from them.