Partners debt and lies

[ItLooksGreen]

Is it fair for me to ask the below from a partner who has lied about debt or is it controlling?

1.they share a credit report with me regularly
2.they pay all money other than an agreed “fun money” budget into a savings account I can see. I won’t ask what they spend the fun money on, it’s not my business.
3.they show me their cc statement each month
4.they disconnect their cards from all online shopping apps (I know they can enter the details but it’s removing the ease of one click buying)
5.they agree to seek help. Therapy or some form of addiction counselling
6.the shopping fills a gap. They agree to find something else to fill that gap. A hobby, friends, gym, something.

im incredibly cautious about being labelled as a controlling or financially abusive.

for background. We live together, have a joint account for bills and separate for our own spend. We both work, earn similar. No kids together.

I could not live like that, if I was either partner.

It is very controlling, no matter the reasons why, but if they are happy (rather than desperate) to agree to it then it’s not really anyone else’s business. How long would this be for though, when do you decide they have earned your trust?

In order for us to answer this question, it might help to provide a bit more detail. If they have loads of hidden credit card and thousands in debt, we can understand the concern, and requirements and restrictions you are wanting to impose. But, so we are not assumptive, you may want to give us more information.

Small amount now but it’s not the first time they’ve built up hidden debt. Always low to mid single figure thousands.

I fear that it repeats in future with more debt and spending and ends up putting our house at risk

Policing someone's spending habits . . . especially when they are an adult and your partner . . . for a lifetime is not what you want to sign up for.

If you have serious concerns that your partner lacks the willpower to contribute to a financially stable home life, it is probably time to re-evaluate the entire relationship. Are there other areas that your partner exhibits untrustworthy behavior?

If not, are you happy in the relationship, and have you had serious conversations about your concerns with your partner?

If that's how you have to live, is it even worth it?

This is controlling. The only thing I agree with is asking them to seek therapy if you’re concerned they won’t be able to break the cycle.

Just want to clarify that I mean is the relationship even worth it

Come on, OP, you don't want to live like that. No man is worth this. You would have to not only police him constantly, your mind would be racing for ways in which he'd get around it. He would hate being policed and you would hate doing the policing.

Men like this don't change. They get into a financial mess then usually a woman helps them get out of it. You don't have children together. You can't trust him. Time for him to sling his hook.

I understand

i just thought these were all advised when a partner has built up debt in secret. It’s happened more than once and all the addiction sites I’ve looked at recommended this.

I’ve said he needs to take ownership but he wants me to suggest measures.

I don’t think either party can live like that.
I don’t think you are wrong for wanting clarity but you can’t check an adults statements every month.

I wouldn’t live with an addict of any kind- I grew up with an alcoholic parent, as an adult I wouldn’t chose that situation!
i also think it would kill any romance basically being someone’s mother.

Message recieved, thansk

im not going to leave, so what things could I suggest to ensure my financial safety without being controlling?

I can't see that working. They are going to be incredibly resentful of you.

How interlinked are your finances? Can you take on management of it and they just pay you an agreed amount each month.

I think the fact that he is asking you for suggestions is in itself a red flag because if he’s taking responsibility for his finances he needs to make a plan not rely on you. I do think you need to know about his debt because you have a mortgage together.

Don't think fairness per se is the issue. It sounds like a hellish way to live.

Sounds like your partner has a problem and it is up to them whether they choose to address it.

And it is up to you to decide whether the relationship has sufficient upsides for you to live with this problem.

If he has asked you to suggest things, is that not him still avoiding taking responsibility? Isn't he still putting it all on you?

If you aren't going to leave him, then you can either do all the things you have suggested, or you just accept that you will periodically have to dig him out of the mire, because he is incapable of managing his finances. And accept that your home will always be at risk.

Personally, I couldn't live with someone I couldn't trust (which is why I am single), but you are more resilient or more in love, than me.

I am basically your husband in this situation.

I get myself into debt (it’s been anywhere between 1-10K). I hide it from my partner because I’m mortified, and then it always comes out in the end.

He obviously wanted to leave me, but recognises that I clearly have a spending issue. I was honest with him about everything I’d spent and what I’d spent it on. One condition of him staying with me was that I get help/seek therapy. I suggested he checks my monthly bank statement as well because I know I will spend if I think I can get away with it.

It’s sad for him that he has to do this, but it is a really massive help to me because I know I can’t trust myself.

I completely understand where you’re coming from with the rules you want to put in place. I think perhaps some are a little excessive, but I definitely think you do need to put some in place.

thank you
did you ever feel he was being controlling by checking statements?
and do you see him as strong or weak for not leaving you?

Do you have ADHD?

Sounds crazy complicated to me.

If you are both a committed couple then have a single joint account into which both of your wages go into. This turns a negative situation into a positive team life. If that sounds like a no-no to someone then they are not committed to the other person.

Cut up all credit cards (both of you) and only each have a debit card for the joint account.

Have a savings account each if you want to each transfer an equal amount of fun/personal money each month.

Otherwise, what you are suggesting is only going to lead to resentment and arguements leading to you splitting up imho.

@ItLooksGreenI didn’t feel like he was being controlling at all checking my statements. I knew that he had to as I don’t think anything else would stop me from spending. As soon as my bank statement arrives, I’m keen to show him that I haven’t spent on anything useless and that I haven’t got into any further debt.
TBH, I think he would have left me otherwise.
He’s a strong person by nature, so I’ve never thought he was weak for staying. I’m just so pleased he stayed!

@BountifulPantry

I’ve never looked into whether I have ADHD etc, but this all started when I was early 20’s. I would get into maybe a grand of debt so it wasn’t the end of the world. I then developed epilepsy in my 30’s and it absolutely spiralled. I became extremely impulsive and couldn’t stop spending. I would get this massive, massive urge to spend. I would feel so ‘high’ after for about 5 minutes, and then I would feel pure disgust in myself and then would just continue to repeat the behaviour.

There aren't any. You are behaving like his Mum. You should leave.

My brother was in a similar position with his partner - she accrued crazy amounts of debt. Having him control things as you suggested would have killed the relationship- as it probably would yours. His way out was to put the house and mortgage in his name only. That way, no joint assets were at risk. No joint credit cards. The joint account stayed, with no overdraft facility and each of them paying in each month, she was able to keep her financial independence and pride. It was a tense discussion to get there but she saw it was way better than the other options.

FWIW I have been through this and still with partner (we had 2 kids at that point). He has dyscalculia and probably undiagnosed ADHD.

He did get himself out of debt, although obviously a cost to all of us. But I had plenty of my own spare money. When we moved I put mortgage into my own name. I manage most of the essential payments (council tax, fuel). He has some.

I tried being supercontrolling and it caused huge issues. Best approach I've found is to just discuss it all very factually and regularly. Shame is a factor and it causes people to hide things which makes it worse.

I'm sorry OP but you won't be able to ensure your financial safety.

What's to stop him taking out payday loans?
Borrowing money from friends?
Remortgaging your home without your knowledge?

There will be loads more ways he can get hold of money without you being able to stop him. You'll find out eventually, but you'll always be firefighting.

He's no different from an alcoholic, drug addict, gambler. The addiction is all consuming and he will lie through his teeth to get his "fix". He will be cunning beyond your imagination.

He will probably hate himself - but he'll continue to do it anyway.

I truly am sorry - but I've been there. Twice. Both died as a result of their addictions. One was gambling and the other alcohol.

Don't do it to yourself, please.