Page 2 | Partners debt and lies

ItLooksGreen · 2025-05-26T13:11:08+00:00

Is it fair for me to ask the below from a partner who has lied about debt or is it controlling? 1.they share a credit report with me regularly 2.they pay all money other than an agreed “fun money” budget into a savings account I can see. I won’t ask what they spend the fun money on, it’s not my business. 3.they show me their cc statement each month 4.they disconnect their cards from all online shopping apps (I know they can enter the details but it’s removing the ease of one click buying) 5.they agree to seek help. Therapy or some form of addiction counselling 6.the shopping fills a gap. They agree to find something else to fill that gap. A hobby, friends, gym, something. im incredibly cautious about being labelled as a controlling or financially abusive. for background. We live together, have a joint account for bills and separate for our own spend. We both work, earn similar. No kids together.

SpryCat · 26/05/2025 20:45

The only way to guarantee your financial safety is to have the mortgage in your name only, and a joint account you are in charge of to split the bills.

RawBloomers · 27/05/2025 15:33

It is controlling, OP, especially if you are the one suggesting it. It might also be what you need to do to protect yourself if you are going to stay together.

I think it’s really worrying that instead of looking all this up himself he asked you to do it. He’s setting you up to be responsible for his behaviour which means he isn’t going to tackle the root cause, there’s no end game in sight and he doesn’t have any intention of becoming responsible about money or of ensuring he is a decent partner and parent.

An alternative to controlling him or leaving would be to disentangle your finances so his debts won’t affect you. I think this is next to impossible if you’re married, though a solicitor may be able to develop a post-nup that would give you some protection in the case of divorce, I’m not sure. You could consider divorce to reset your financial situation but still live together? Seems like there would be unintended consequences to something like that, though, it would probably feel too weird?

If you aren’t married you could just have personal accounts. Put the house, cars, and savings entirely into your name, with a legal agreement about how much you owe him as equity/balance changes. He pays you what he needs to to cover bills/mortgage/rent/savings/etc. Have your agreement cover how long you have to pay him whatever he’s owed (and what expenses you can cover from that money) in the case of relationship break up so that, if feasible, you won’t be forced to sell the house while the kids are still at home (or move too far from their school/are landed with paying his rent on an AST until the end of the term.etc.), or whatever other factors are important to you (and reasonable).

And, critically, plan your life so that you aren’t relying on future income from him. Make sure you could afford the mortgage/rent if he walked out (improve your career/move to somewhere you could afford if that’s not currently the case). Have a plan for what you would do that you’re happy with. Build up your savings, don’t go on fancy holidays or indulge in a lifestyle he wants if you are uncomfortable about where that leaves your finances. Ensure you have a decent pension of your own.

Original poster

ItLooksGreen · 27/05/2025 17:52

RawBloomers · 27/05/2025 15:33

It is controlling, OP, especially if you are the one suggesting it. It might also be what you need to do to protect yourself if you are going to stay together.

I think it’s really worrying that instead of looking all this up himself he asked you to do it. He’s setting you up to be responsible for his behaviour which means he isn’t going to tackle the root cause, there’s no end game in sight and he doesn’t have any intention of becoming responsible about money or of ensuring he is a decent partner and parent.

An alternative to controlling him or leaving would be to disentangle your finances so his debts won’t affect you. I think this is next to impossible if you’re married, though a solicitor may be able to develop a post-nup that would give you some protection in the case of divorce, I’m not sure. You could consider divorce to reset your financial situation but still live together? Seems like there would be unintended consequences to something like that, though, it would probably feel too weird?

If you aren’t married you could just have personal accounts. Put the house, cars, and savings entirely into your name, with a legal agreement about how much you owe him as equity/balance changes. He pays you what he needs to to cover bills/mortgage/rent/savings/etc. Have your agreement cover how long you have to pay him whatever he’s owed (and what expenses you can cover from that money) in the case of relationship break up so that, if feasible, you won’t be forced to sell the house while the kids are still at home (or move too far from their school/are landed with paying his rent on an AST until the end of the term.etc.), or whatever other factors are important to you (and reasonable).

And, critically, plan your life so that you aren’t relying on future income from him. Make sure you could afford the mortgage/rent if he walked out (improve your career/move to somewhere you could afford if that’s not currently the case). Have a plan for what you would do that you’re happy with. Build up your savings, don’t go on fancy holidays or indulge in a lifestyle he wants if you are uncomfortable about where that leaves your finances. Ensure you have a decent pension of your own.

Thank you

OP posts: